“You are not entirely to blame, Kaori. I have come to see that now.” Dejected, Liurn hung his head. He let his words linger on the air a moment before continuing, lifting a despondent gaze to Kaori’s face. “I was blinded by my feelings for you. Selfishly so. You were right to be angry with me for the way I treated Therek. Thinking back on it now, I was a terrible friend. I just… I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you to him; and in the process, I practically placed your hand in his.”
Her heart ached to think about Therek. All the horrible things people said about him behind his back. The way they looked down upon him. Judged him for his actions. To his face they treated him with respect because his title demanded it, but now she knew the truth. No one trusted him. At least not when it came to women. Men despised him, fearful that he would steal their wives while the so-called ladies insulted him to their friends only to lust after him in his presence. People could be so cruel! And Liurn had been no better than the rest.
“I am not the one you should apologize to for that,” she chanced a quick glance in his direction, forcing a smile before directing her gaze down to the water once again. “Therek has been a good friend to you. Loyal. Honorable. More than you may know. I do not deny that it pains me to think of the way you treated him. Striking at him without cause. Slandering his name at every chance you found. I hardly believe I’m worth such mistreatment of a man you considered your friend.”
“It was with good reason. His reputation speaks for itself.”
“People change.”
“Men do not change so easily when it comes to beautiful women.” Inhaling a deep breath, Liurn fought to remain calm, tearing his eyes away from Kaori. “I know he cares about you. The man has risked everything to make sure you are protected. It did little to help my pride when I realized I lacked the influence and resources to do the same.”
Did she dare tell him the truth? It would hurt him to know that he was right in his suspicion of Therek’s feelings for her, while at the same time it would allow her a chance to let him know how much his friendship meant to Therek. If it helped ease the tension between the two men, it seemed worth the risk. “Therek may care about me, Liurn, but he knows the way you feel. Your friendship is more important to him than a woman. He made that very clear to me before he left for Carpaen.”
Surprised by what Kaori said, Liurn’s brow rose, peering at her quizzically. “You spoke with him about us?”
“The man walked in and saw the two of us together. Such a thing brings about questions, as you can imagine.”
“What kind of questions?” Curious, Liurn straightened his shoulders, never letting his eyes off her. He was intrigued. Fascinated by the thought. “Did he inquire about us or did you offer the information.”
The pleasure in Liurn’s eyes was disheartening. She didn’t mention Therek for the sake of stroking Liurn’s ego. It bothered her to think that her attempts at saving the friendship between the two men might very well be in vain. “If you must know, I offered the information,” she exhaled, preparing herself for the worst. Honesty wasn’t always what people wanted to hear, but she refused to dance around the truth. Liurn had a tendency to misinterpret her intentions and that was the last thing she wanted to let happen again. “I did not want him to think there was anything intimate between you and me. My hope was to express my feelings for him so that he would know I desire more than the friendship we have shared. Imagine my heartache when he informed me that we could not be together because of you.”
“Because of me?” The hopefulness in Liurn’s expression dissipated almost instantly, replaced by a look of utter remorse to hear the truth of what transpired between Kaori and Therek. “You cannot expect me to believe that I am the reason he rejected you. I know him better than that. He is not the type of man who walks away from a woman so easily.”
“Then perhaps you don’t know him as well as you think you do.” Running her hand absently through her hair Kaori released another long breath, eyeing Liurn curiously. He looked wretched. Distressed about something Kaori couldn’t quite pinpoint. “I thought you would be pleased to hear the reason for my rejection. Does it not grant you satisfaction to hear that the gods saw fit to punish me for the way I spurned you?”
Kaori had barely finished speaking when Liurn’s head began to shake, vehement in his disagreement. “Why would I take satisfaction in seeing you suffer?” he asked. Genuinely hurt by the accusation. “I may not wish to see you in that man’s arms, but I can see it in your eyes that you love him. It means more to me that you are happy. Even if your happiness is not with me.”
“My happiness will not be with anyone, it seems. He knows how much you care about me and does not wish to live up to the reputation he has fought so hard to put behind him. Your affection toward me is what stands between my heart and his.”
Even as she spoke the words, she couldn’t convince herself they were true. Not entirely, at least. There was something more behind the torment in Therek’s eyes that night when he rejected her spontaneous request for marriage. Something far deeper than his tenuous friendship with Liurn. Therek had been uneasy. Almost frightened in the way he argued against the idea. Kaori couldn’t help thinking that Lady Orith had caused more harm to Therek than she originally thought. Perhaps not physically, but he showed signs of emotional and mental scars which ran far deeper than he led people to believe.
Liurn was quiet for a moment, taking in what was being presented. His eyes trailed over Kaori, searching her face, curious whether she was telling the truth. At the resolve he saw there he let his shoulders slump forward further, weighted by some invisible burden only he could see and feel. “I suppose you would not be open to the possibility of accepting my offer of affection, given the circumstances.”
Kaori’s stomach churned, a grimace passing over her gentle features to hear her friend speak. He still desired to win her heart. It was romantic, in a way. Despite her cold response to his declaration of love, he refused to give up. She respected him for his determination yet it pained her to think of the continued torment she would cause him if she didn’t make things clear to Liurn with absolute finality. She didn’t love him the way a woman should love a man who sought her hand for the possibility of marriage. And while she cared about him more than most of the people who crossed her path in life, her affection went no deeper than that which she shared with Sivar and their parents before their untimely deaths. Liurn was a friend. The closest thing to family she had left in this world. She only hoped that would be enough for him.
Clasping her hands together she let them rest lightly on the rail, forcing her eyes to meet Liurn’s hopeful gaze. If she was going to break his heart, he deserved to see her face while she said the things she needed to say. For both their sakes. “I could not in good conscience accept your heart, Liurn. It would be cruel to lead you into the belief that we could ever be more than we are now.”
“This is how you feel? Do you truly care nothing for me, or do you resent me for being Therek’s scapegoat in breaking your heart?”
“I would be lying if I said this has nothing to do with Therek,” she sighed, guilt creeping over her, heavier than before. “He may have turned me away, but my heart remains his. When you held me in your arms, his face was all I could see. His embrace the only thing I desired. And when you kissed me – I felt nothing more than the remorse of knowing that I was only hurting you worse by allowing you so close.”
Kaori watched as Liurn averted his eyes, unable to conceal the pain he experienced to hear her speak the truth. She didn’t want to hurt him. The gods may never forgive her for the way she disregarded his affection but she couldn’t deny the way she felt. If she could have changed it, she would gladly have done so. “I do not know whether to be offended or impressed by your honesty,” he gave a miserable laugh to break the awkward silence which had descended on them. Kaori thought to join him in his amusement though she wasn’t sure it was entirely appropriate.
“Offense i
s the last thing I hoped to cause. You are a kind, loyal man, and will surely make a wonderful husband to a lucky lady someday. I just know, without doubt, that woman will not be me.”
“The knife is in deep enough, Kaori. There is no need to twist it.”
“What do you want me to say, then?” she frowned, leaning her head forward to force her way into Liurn’s line of sight. “I should not have to beg forgiveness for the way I feel. Your friendship is too valuable for me to let it slip away because of something like this. Just tell me what I can do to take us back to the way we were before and I will do it.”
Lips pursed, Liurn stared at her, seeming to wage an unknown internal battle at the sight of her. She wished she knew what was going through his mind. Whatever it was, she knew it wasn’t pleasant. Images floated through her head of what it would feel like if Therek were to say the things to her which she said to Liurn. It would devastate her. More than it had to hear him deny her request for marriage. She wasn’t sure her heart would be able to recover if he destroyed every last hope she possessed at the possibility of being with him. The thought only made her feel worse for what she did to Liurn. If he chose to throw their friendship away, she couldn’t say that she would blame him.
Unexpectedly, the lines on his face softened, his hand reaching out to lightly brush the side of her face with his fingertips. She looked up at him, hopeful, unsure what the gesture might mean. “I want you in my life, Kaori,” he stated quietly, closing his eyes for a moment as if to regain his composure before speaking again. “Friendship will be difficult, but if I cannot have you as my wife, then I will take whatever I can get.”
Relief flooded her to hear Liurn’s response. He didn’t hate her. It felt like a miracle after what she had done. A glimmer of hope flashed in her mind to think how much better things would be if they could restore their friendship to what it had been before. There was sure to be tension between Liurn and Therek, but it was possible this might repair their animosity to an extent as well. “Do you mean it?” she asked, chagrined by the hint of desperation in her tone. “We can remain friends?”
“Yes. Friends.” Drawing in a deep breath Liurn retracted his hand. The smile he wore was more forced than Kaori was used to seeing there, but it was better than the tortured expression she had witnessed since he first arrived on the ship’s deck. It was to be expected. Time was the only way to heal the wounds he likely felt though she hoped they would find a way to ease the tension before they went into battle.
Instinctively, she moved forward to wrap her arms around Liurn in a gentle embrace. Friendly. Comforting. She couldn’t bear seeing him look so miserable, knowing she was the reason for his pain. A hug felt right yet wrong at the same time. But he was her friend. The least she could do was offer some consolation. “Everything will be alright, you’ll see,” she whispered, pulling away to look him over again with a sympathetic smile. “I suspect we will be so busy over the next few weeks, there won’t be time to dwell on our hearts.”
“You’re probably right,” Liurn chuckled. Awkward in his motions, he patted Kaori’s arm in a friendly gesture. Sadness remained visible in the way his amber eyes dimmed at the sight of her. His shoulders drooped, visibly torn by something Kaori couldn’t put her finger on.
“I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better.”
“There is,” he replied suddenly, surprising Kaori with the decisiveness of his tone. She peered at him, saying nothing in hopes that he would elaborate. “I would be a terrible friend if I stood here and allowed you to suffer simply out of spite. If I am the reason Therek has hurt you, I must find a way to set things right.”
Blinking in disbelief Kaori shook her head, the guilt from before quickly resurfacing against her efforts to suppress it. “I may have been a bit presumptuous to assume you were the only reason he turned me away,” she argued. It wasn’t fair that she leave such a burden on her friend’s shoulders when she couldn’t be certain it was entirely true. “Therek has a great deal which weighs on his heart. The story of Lady Orith has reached the ears of society in a poor light. Filled with inaccuracies which I am not at liberty to discuss. While you were the reason he gave for not pursuing his interest in me, you were not the reason he refused my proposal of…” she paused, her voice lowering, somewhat embarrassed to admit the truth. He stared at her, prompting her with his eyes to finish what she started to say. At her hesitation he leaned forward, the deep creases on his face returning.
“Proposal of what?”
There was no point in hiding it. Someone was bound to discover the secret eventually. Word had a way of traveling swiftly, even when it was assumed no one else was aware of the truth. “I proposed the possibility of marriage,” she breathed, turning her gaze away from Liurn in humiliation. “The crown of Carpaen is rightfully his and I felt an overwhelming guilt in taking it from him. It seemed the right thing to do so he could retain at least part of the throne.”
“Sweet Sarid, Kaori,” Liurn’s eyes rolled heavenward. “That man denied your hand in marriage – and you still desire him?”
“I told you, it was not malicious. Lady Orith…”
“What could that woman possibly have to do with this? She has been dead for decades.”
“She hurt him, Liurn. More than you know.” It drove her mad to hold in the secret. Liurn was the worst offender in spreading the lies of Therek’s past. She wanted to set things straight. Make him realize the stories he told were false. The truth had been hidden for too long. If Therek had any hope of regaining the respect of their people, he would have to come to terms with the fact that he protected nothing in taking the blame for Lady Orith’s actions. It was so far in the past, she doubted whether anyone even remembered the woman beyond the stories of Therek’s supposed treachery. “The child she was carrying wasn’t Therek’s,” she blurted out, the words tumbling forth before she could change her mind. It had to be said. Liurn needed to know.
Startled by the revelation Liurn took a step back, staring at Kaori. “Not his? Do not be ridiculous, Kaori. Therek admitted he was the father.”
“He lied to protect her,” Kaori gave a vehement shake of her head. “She left him for another man only to show up at his door, begging Therek to take her back after she was left alone and with child. He turned her away out of anger but before he had a chance to find her and tell her he changed his mind, she was already dead.”
“I fail to see why he would tarnish his reputation for the sake of an unfaithful woman.”
“He loved her. He could not bear the thought of what people would say about her if they discovered what she had done. For years he has born the blame for a deed he did not commit simply for the sake of sparing her family the humiliation.”
“So he chose to hold this against you? The most honest and forthright woman on Myatheira?”
Hanging her head, Kaori struggled to find the right words to say. How could she explain this to him? Liurn knew the heartache of rejection, but not to the extreme which Therek experienced with Lady Orith. He couldn’t possibly understand the torment it caused. “Although he would never admit it, I think he is afraid,” she shrugged in defeat. It was the best she could think to say in defense of Therek’s actions without hearing an explanation from Therek himself. “Lady Orith was the first woman who managed to catch his heart and not just his eye. His first experience with love ended in tragedy and I believe he fears it was somehow his fault. Wouldn’t you hesitate to take that risk again?”
“Not with you.” The response was simple. Quick. Made without thought. Kaori glanced at Liurn, her patience running thin at his inability to put himself in Therek’s position.
“You have never been hurt in that way. How can you say for sure?”
“I know you would never do such a thing.”
“There is nothing wrong with being cautious.”
Contemplative of the thought, Liurn’s expression softened. Kaori couldn’t think of any argument which could be used against h
er logic. Love was complicated. She had little experience with it, but from what she already learned in her short life, there was no easy answer to anything. When someone was hurt, they built up defenses to protect their heart from ever having to feel that pain again. Or in fear of causing the same suffering to another. With Therek, she believed it was a combination of both which caused him to shy away from the idea of letting himself give in to the feelings he claimed to have for her.
Distractedly, Liurn rubbed at his temples, shaking his head in defeat. “Then I will have to tell him to stop being a damned fool.”
It was such a strange response. One she didn’t expect to hear from Liurn. “What do you mean?” she peered at him curiously. He was behaving oddly. Enough so that she couldn’t help asking.
“The man is an idiot to turn you away,” he stated matter-of-factly, showing no sign of his earlier hesitation. “If what you say is true, Lady Orith was nothing more than a slattern. He does you a great injustice by comparing you to her and I intend to tell him that to his face.”
Her heart leapt painfully in her chest, filled with a mix of fear and excitement. He wanted to argue with Therek in her defense? It was too good to be true. But it came with a higher price than she was willing to pay. Liurn’s knowledge of Lady Orith’s impropriety exposed Kaori’s betrayal in telling Therek’s deepest secret. He would hate her if he found out. Trust wasn’t an easy thing to gain with Therek. She couldn’t fathom what he might do if he discovered her to be less than deserving. “You cannot tell him,” she murmured, barely audible to her own ears. It was more a thought spoken out loud than an intentional argument while she struggled to accept the consequences of her actions.
“Why not?” Liurn challenged. “There is not a man alive who wouldn’t give everything to have you on his arm and Therek is just throwing the opportunity away. Although I loathe the thought of you being with him, I refuse to sit here and watch him hurt you.”
The Myatheira Chronicles: Volume Four: In the Beginning Page 77
