Bare_Raw 2

by C. A. Harms

  “I love you,” I whisper the words and instantly feel his body relax against mine. “And I love the life that you’ve given us.”

  “Say it again,” he whispers and I smile.

  “I love you, Alec, and though I’m scared, I am ready to take this ride with you.”

  “Hold on tight, beautiful, because it’s just getting started.” I smile against his chest as I nuzzle in closer needing to feel as much of him as I can. With a deep breath in and a slow exhale, I let go of the worry I’ve felt and promise to live for the now.

  “Holy Christmas,” Katelynn stops in the entryway of the great room so quickly and surprisingly that I ran into the back of her. Well, my belly was the first thing that felt the impact. “Santa exploded with greatness in here.” I laugh because she was referring to Alec as Santa, because she’d long ago given up on the real one.

  The sound of someone yawning loudly causes us both to turn around. In the open doorway of the bedroom he and I share was Alec. His hair a mess from sleep, his eyes still showing signs that he hadn’t fully woken up and scruff that he’d let grow out over the last few days that he’d taken off from work for the holidays. Again he wore those pajama pants that seem to fit him better than I believe may be legal. He made my heart race with so many different forms of excitement. I find myself biting on my lower lip as I slowly take the time to appreciate the man standing before me.

  “It’s not even six am yet,” he complains as he combs his fingers through his hair.

  “I know, we’re running behind here,” Katelynn says as she waves for him to come on. “Stop dragging your feet, ya big grump, and move it already.”

  He shakes his head, trying to look as if he’s put out, but I can see the smile tugging at his lips. He loves Katelynn, and there’s no way he could ever convince me otherwise.

  She reaches out, takes my hand in hers and tugs me toward the living room, just before she falls to her knees before the biggest Christmas tree I’d ever seen. Really, it was massive, and I wondered sometimes just how he’d managed to get it up through the elevator and into this apartment. But I knew he was bound and determined to make this Christmas, our first with him, the biggest and the best he could.

  His need to shower us with love, and the greatest memories warmed my heart to an extent that I could never fully explain with words. He was so much more than the man I thought he was. His heart, it still surprises me at just how big it truly is. The love it held, it was overwhelming to me in the best kind of way.

  I sit on the floor next to Katelynn and look back toward the entryway just as Alec steps over the threshold. His hair is still tousled, and I fade off to the memories of fisting that very same hair in my hands only a few hours ago when he woke me up by kissing over my stomach upward. Parts of my body still ache from his two a.m. intrusion, but no one would ever hear me complain.

  I watch as he moves in closer and sits down on the floor near us instead of on the couch only a few feet away. He leans back against the chair, his long legs outstretched before him, and again I can’t seem to look away. “Good morning,” he says with a smile, and leans in closer silently asking for a kiss which I give willingly.

  “Okay, enough suck face,” Katelynn interrupts the moment as she always seems to do, “can we just dig in already?”

  “Have at it,” Alec tells her as he grips my hips with his big hands and pulls my body closer to his. He rests his chin on my shoulder from behind as we watch Katelynn begin digging through the boxes. One by one she lays them out in three piles, and when she places items next to Alec I feel him lift his chin and turn his face into the crease of my neck.

  “What’s this?”

  “Christmas,” I say in explanation, and though I know he was expecting more of an answer, he seemed happy with that one as he hugged me in tight, kissing the exposed skin on my shoulder.

  The absolute best part of our morning together was seeing Alec open the gifts that both Katelynn and I chose for him. They may not have been extravagant, expensive offerings, but they were meaningful. I could see the emotion in his eyes and the appreciation he held for each one. He so carefully and meticulously handles each one.

  A keychain from Katelynn that on one side held a picture I’d taken of the two of them laying side by side while watching television and on the other two words, my hero. When she came to me with the idea I swear I was blinded by my tears. Knowing that she now looks at him in such a sense reassures me that this choice was the best choice.

  I had a plaque made, that held the first sonogram picture of our child where you could actually begin to see their little face, and it had been burned into the steel. Daddy, engraved just beneath the picture. Cheesy, maybe, but I knew he’d love it. There were smaller things like goofy house slippers that Katelynn insisted on but I never truly thought he’d wear. Big, obnoxious wolf heads on the front, it made me laugh when he opened them up and simply stared down at the monstrosity.

  “They are so warm,” Katelynn assured him only he didn’t seem convinced. Only arches a brow and looks to me for help. I offer a shrug which earns me a glare that of course didn’t even frighten me in the slightest.

  I sat on the floor, holding a small box in my hands. The lid to the box held in one hand as I look down at the necklace it held. An infinity sign, with a diamond in the center. It wasn’t over the top, it was simple and it was perfect. “That’s how long I’m gonna love you,” he whispers near my ear and I close my eyes to hold back the tears that threaten to spill.

  “Thank you,” I’m finally able to speak as I turn my head enough to look back at him.

  “Thank you, Brynn.” I didn’t have to ask him to know that he was thanking me for the second chance and for just simply being here sharing this day with him. I knew because he’s thanked me often.

  Katelynn once again showered with all the frilly things twelve year old girl love. When she opens up a box with a new iPhone her eyes lit up and I narrow my own at Alec. He of course shrugs it off and moves on to the next gift.

  Later that night after Katelynn was off in her room thoroughly enjoying all her new things, Alec exited our bathroom wearing nothing but those goofy slippers he’d received. I wanted to laugh, oh my hell did I ever, but the heat rising in my cheeks and tension settling low in my stomach made it really difficult to find humor in the situation.

  He crawls onto the bed, almost like he’s stalking prey, me being that prey, and I was happy to offer myself up for the taking. “Thank you for today,” he whispers as he lifts my hands above my head and binds them with one of his.

  “I should be thanking you,” I say breathlessly as he pushes his pelvis forward and applies jut the right amount of pressure in the perfect place.

  “I’m not just talking about the gifts, Brynn, I’m talking about everything.” He kisses along the side of my neck, sucking on the base and making my back arch upward. “The day was perfect and it was because of the two of you are here to share it with me. But the gifts, they were amazing, so thoughtful and even fun.”

  He leans back and I notice the smirk he wears on his face as he twists at the right angle to look at the slippers he still wore.

  “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at those insane slippers the same after tonight,” I confess. “They’ve suddenly became very sexy.”

  “It’s me,” he shrugs playfully, “all me.”

  I love when he gets in these moods, though I do love his need for control too. It was like all the right combinations, and all the right moves, wrapped up in such a beautiful man.

  “You’re right,” I part my legs and hook them over his hips allowing myself to feel more of him. “It’s definitely all you and not the slippers.”

  Chapter 29

  Alec

  “So we’ve changed our minds,” Brynn says as the technician lifts the bottle of gel and holds it out over her stomach.

  “No, she changed her mind, because I wanted to know from the beginning.” I correct her, flashing my triump
hant smile.

  “Fine.” Brynn rolls her eyes as she looks away from me and I chuckle at her annoyance. I love ruffling her feathers. “I want to know the sex of our baby now instead of waiting.”

  The tech was enjoying the banter between the two of us. The gel pools on Brynn’s stomach and she reaches back toward the sonogram machine. “We can definitely check things out and see if this little one has something to show.”

  Excitement rolls off of us both as the sound of our child’s heartbeat fills the room and I lean in closer to get a better look. The measurements are taken, the close look of the heart, the lungs, and everything else that they need to reassure us all that things are going smoothly. I get a sense that she is avoiding the area we were in anticipation of, like she was prolonging it all to torture us.

  “Are we sure we want to know?” She asks with a smile. “Because once you do there is no going back.”

  “Yes,” both Brynn and I say in unison.

  With a flash of her beautiful smile she reaches out and takes my hand in hers, gently squeezing it just before turning back to the screen at our side.

  “I see pinks and purples in your future,” the tech offers, “and lots of baby dolls, too.”

  “A girl?” Brynn asks, her voice cracking as she looks up at the woman hopeful.

  “Yes,” she nods, “you’re having a girl.”

  I was a man trapped in a world of girls, as in three, and I couldn’t be happier.

  “Are you happy?” I look up to see Brynn watching me, tears in her eyes. “Because I’m happy.” Her lower lip trembles while she looks back at me with hope in her eyes.

  Instead of answering her I move in close and press my lips to hers, forgetting that we aren’t alone. “I’m more than happy,” whispering my assurance I smooth the hair back away from her face. “A little girl with your smile and my eyes, it’s perfect.”

  She watches me for a moment, looking up at me, I know looking for any amount of doubt in my eyes. Yet she won’t find it there. I have never been happier than I am now, never.

  We were so close, only a few months until we meet our daughter and my patience for that time was thin. I want it now, I want to hold her in my arms and promise her the world. I want to protect her and shelter her from evil, to see her curious eyes looking up at me like I was her hero.

  “I can’t wait to spoil her,” I say with a smile, “more laughter and squeals.”

  “Oh my god, Katelynn is gonna be ecstatic.”

  That was putting it mildly. She’s been talking about having a little niece for months now and there was nothing that was going to convince her otherwise. She just knew it was a girl she’d say. I look for her to do that little I told you so shit she does often. Her hand on her hip, as it’s jutted out. An arch of her brow and a smirk that managed to strike me speechless at least seventy percent of the time. The girl had skills, that was for sure.

  “I printed out a few extra images this time,” the tech held them out and interrupted out exchange. “Congratulations, in a little over eight weeks, you’ll meet your daughter.”

  “Mr. Reynolds, you have a call on line one,” my assistant’s voice rings through my office.

  “Could you take a message please?” I focus on the screen before me, analyzing the figures in my head, weighing the pros and cons of my current deal.

  “She says that it is extremely important, sir.”

  “She?” I turn away from my computer and look down at my cell feeling a panic suddenly that Brynn may be trying to reach me.

  “Yes,” she seems nervous, “a Ms. Candler, sir.”

  My stomach coils and my heart feels as if it plummets. A long silent pause, which is only caused by the fact that I can’t seem to breathe. Or so it feels like it. My chest felt so fucking tight I would swear had I not known better I would have thought that I was having a god damned heart attack.

  “Sir?”

  “Yeah,” I croak, and quickly clear my throat. “Send the call through.” What I should have said was hang up, and accept no more calls from her, but instead I sat at my desk staring at the phone waiting for the call to ring through. And when it did, though I was expecting it I still jerk in reaction.

  Placing my hand over the receiver, I take in a deep breath and pick it up. Only I say nothing, just simply listen.

  “Alec?” It was that same soft voice, one I used to long for long ago. A voice that at one point made me feel complete, yet now it only manages to inflict such an anger inside me that I even scare myself with its impact.

  “Mandy,” I say her name with the same disgust I feel. I don’t care if she picks up on it, I want her to feel my hate for her. “What do you want?”

  I hear her inhale deeply, before she slowly releases it. I remember the times I’d witnessed her doing that when we were together. Like a nervous twitch that with each exhale she was slowly counting the seconds that pass in her mind. “I debated calling you,” she starts, “for days actually. I’ve talked myself out of it over and over until I knew there was nowhere else I could turn.”

  “Your problems are no longer my problems, Mandy,” I tell her with little to no feeling. “They haven’t been for a long time, so I’m not sure why you felt the need to reach out to me.”

  “Because Matt left us and I’ve tried to do this on my own, Alec, but I can’t.” I remain quiet waiting still for her point. “Caden’s sick,” she whispers, and hearing his name does something to me. Something I hadn’t felt in a long time, longing. “We found out he has Neuroblastoma shortly after the last time I saw you.”

  I felt like I’d been kicked in the chest by a mule, fuck, the pain was overwhelming and I actually press my hand to the very space as if to will it away.

  “I just can’t do it alone, Alec, it’s too much.” I knew she was crying, it was a sound I’d heard many times over our last year together.Those nights when she would cry hard she said because we were drifting apart, but in reality we were already broken. “We meet with the oncologist again on Friday, the radiation oncologist will be there as well as the pediatric surgeon.”

  She takes in another deep breath, release it slow and steady once again.

  “I’m a mess, Alec, and I know that you don’t owe me anything. But I also know that you loved Caden once, I’d like to think you still do.” I want to be angry with her and tell her to fuck off, but I can’t form the words. The ache inside me is just too strong and I picture the little boy’s face. Wondering what he looks like now, did he still have the light blond hair that was almost white, much like his mother’s? “I guess I was just hoping that maybe you could go with us? Maybe help me understand and comfort him because at this point he doesn’t seem to gain that with me alone.”

  “I don’t think I can.”

  “Alec please,” she pleads with me. “He cries the moment we pull into the parking lot because he knows what we’re there for. Not just cries, he screams, and it takes everything I have inside me to carry him into the building but I know I have to. Because if I don’t I’ll lose my son, Alec, I’ll lose the only person I have left.”

  I lean forward resting my elbows on the tabletop and pinch the bridge of my nose. Fighting off my own tears as I imagine Caden kicking and screaming as he fights against Mandy while walking toward a building hits me and I find myself taking in a deep calming breath.

  “Where?”

  “32nd St,” Mandy replies, “at ten in the morning.”

  “I’ll meet you outside, in the front at a quarter til ten.”

  Another deep exhales falls from her lips, “Thank you, Alec. I know that I’m that last person you ever wanted to hear from again.”

  “You’re right,” I waste no time denying it. This wasn’t about making her feel better, this was for Caden. “The only reason I’m showing up is because he didn’t ask for this life. None of this is his fault.”

  I ended the call feeling exhausted. I felt raw, like I’d been torn open and exposed. I was at a loss with doing the right thing
, and what my heart demands.

  Brynn’s smile, her laughter filling my thoughts, and suddenly I feel guilty for even agreeing to this. I couldn’t tell her, I knew this, because it would only manage to bring back the doubt that I’d been doing everything I could for months to soothe. She’d just finally let go of her fears and accepted that she and I would always be us. There was no way I’d give her a reason to feel any different.

  It was one visit, one day of my life to offer a little boy any small amount of reassurance I could. I hope that my presence gives him that, and I’ll admit holding him in my arms again, if even for a short time was something I’d wished for after he was ripped from my life.

  It was innocent, which is why I couldn’t understand why the guilt it was already causing was eating me alive.

  Chapter 30

  Brynn

  I stretch my legs out before me, a groan escaping me with the mixture of good and bad it causes. That ache that hurts but feel amazing too as you force it to its limits.

  “You okay?” I look toward the entryway of the penthouse to find Alec standing there, still holding he briefcase in his hand. The blue tie he wore, was now loosened and hanging around his neck where his shirt was also unbuttoned. I hadn’t even heard the elevator.

  “I’m good,” I offer him a smile hoping it wipes the concern on his face. "My legs just hurt from being on them all day.”

  I watch him step further into the room as he places the leather case on the coffee table before me. Sitting in the empty space beside me he reaches out to lift my legs to his lap and when he starts to massage my calves my eyes roll back. “Oh my god, that feels amazing.”

  “I think you need to consider starting a leave now.”

  I open my eyes and look at him. “No.”

  “You don’t need to work, Brynn.” It was always the same argument. “You do it for you I know, but you don’t have to. You can always go back after the baby’s born if you want. But right now you should be sitting around with your feet up, not waiting on people one after another at a spa.”