Bare_Raw 2

by C. A. Harms

  And then I fell.

  My foot got caught on the step and the first thing to hit was my head, then my stomach took the rest of the force.

  Everything around me sounds foggy, like I’m in an empty room and the echoing of the words are so very far away.

  “We need the OR ready,” the sounds of a man’s voice fill my head, one I don’t recognize. “We need the Neonatal team on standby, as well as Neurology for her head trauma.”

  “Alec,” I whisper hoarsely just as a woman’s face comes into view.

  “Relax, sweetheart, I know you’re scared, but we are doing everything to help you and your baby.” The mention of the baby sets forth an entirely different stream of fears and I try to lift my arms. Only I cannot because they feel so heavy.

  “I need Alec,” I whisper again and she only smiles and smoothes my hair out of the way. It was then I grow confused wondering if the words I sense I’m speaking are actually even leaving my lips.

  An alarm sounds, a large shrieking beep sounded continuously and I jerk just before I feel a poke in my arm. “We need to move,” that same man’s loud booming voice commands, “now.”

  I watch above me as long fluorescent lighting passes by, one by one. My eyes grow heavier though I try my hardest to stay awake.

  Just before my eyes shut I hear the same man say words that strike I fear inside of me like I have never before felt. “We have to get this baby out now, before we lose her.”

  And then everything grows black.

  “Have you found him yet?” A woman asks, a voice I recognize.

  “No,” a husky whisper replies. “We’ve called him and it just rings and rings, and his assistant says that he’s been out all day.”

  “The doctor said she keeps asking for him.”

  I try to open my eyes but they are so heavy. I feel groggy, like I was floating through the air freely.

  “I just don’t understand how he can be out of touch when he knows he has a pregnant girlfriend he should be available for, no matter what. She comes first, Mom, she and this baby should come first.”

  It’s then I realize the male voice I hear is Aric, and the irritation it holds is something I rarely hear from him. He was always so fun, so happy, only now he sounds angry.

  Chapter 33

  Alec

  “Thank you for going with us today,” Mandy says as she steps back from the car after placing Caden in his carseat. “And for lunch and desert too.”

  I watch Caden instead of her as he lifts his fingers to his mouth and places the same two fingers he always has between his lips. It amazes me that still he finds the same comfort in that very same action.

  “I know it helped him having you here as a distraction.” I feel her hand on my arms and quickly I move away out of her reach. “Sorry,” she quickly apologizes when she notices my retraction.

  “It’s nothing,” I say pulling my phone out of my pocket. “I need to get going actually.” I look down at my phone, waking it to call Warren when I see a number of missed calls and voicemails left. Aric, my mother, the office, even my father. Among them all was one text that made my knees grow weak.

  Where are you? Brynn fell at work and I’m scared.

  “Alec, is everything okay?” Mandy asks but I ignore her as I dial Brynn’s phone. Each ring sound as if its drawn out.

  “Hello?” Katelynn answers and instantly I knew she was crying. It was distinct, the way she became all nasally as if her nose is clogged from all the tears.

  “Where’s Brynn?”

  “She’s sleeping,” She sniffles and my heart aches. “Where are you? We tried calling over and over but you wouldn’t answer.”

  “Are you home?” I ask, my feet already moving me away form Mandy. She had long been forgotten.

  “No,” she cries. “We’re at the hospital.”

  My breathing grows ragged as I begin to jog. I actually believed in that moment if I ran fast enough, I’d get there in a hurry. “I’m coming,” I say breathlessly. “I’m coming, okay.”

  The call ends without another word from her, the echoing of the click only adding to the pain I felt in my chest.

  Waiting for Warren wasn’t an option, I had to get there. I lift hand to my lips and whistle looking around frantically for a cab. I don’t even wait for it to stop before jerking open the car door and hobbling along to crawl inside. “Presbyterian Hospital,” I bark, “and please hurry.”

  So many thoughts run through my head as the cab moves in and out of traffic. I was terrified of Brynn’s condition, and the condition of the baby. But she said she was resting, so that must mean things are okay.

  I pull out two twenties not caring how much the bill actually was and toss them to the driver the moment he slows to a stop outside the hospital. Exiting the cab he offers a thanks as I jog toward the front entrance of the hospital. I pause near the front desk watching nurses and staff move around throughout the area.

  Slapping my hand on the desk in a panic a younger woman turns around and her eyes widen as she takes in my crazed appearance. “My wife was brought in here today,” I don’t care at this point what it takes I need to find her. I didn’t want to jump over hurdles to prove I was entitled to information about Brynn. I needed it now. “She’s pregnant and she’d fallen. I need to find her.”

  She steps up closer to the desk and eyes me curiously.

  “I’m afraid that I can’t disclose the information regarding our patients or even if they are a patient without consent of—”

  I spin around and fist my hand with one hand while reaching for my phone with the other. I’m sure at this point I look like some kind of mad man.

  “Where the hell were you?” Aric answers and I can practically feel the anger rolling off him. “You better have a good fucking reason for being unreachable for the last four hours.”

  “What room is she in?”

  “Are you here?”

  “Yes,’ I tell him looking back at the young girl as she still watches me close. “They won’t tell me what room you’re all in and I need to get to Brynn.”

  “Fifth floor,” he says and my legs begin to move, “room 5112.”

  I nod almost as if he can see me when I reach the elevators. “Aric,” I reach out and push the button for the elevator. “Did they do a sonogram and make sure the baby’s alright?”

  “Your daughter was delivered two and half hours ago,” I feel the strength in my body grow slack. “She’s on a ventilator and feeding tube, fighting just like her mom.”

  I reach out and place my hand to the wall to hold myself upright.

  “I hope whatever it is you had going on, was worth not being here for her and your daughter. Because when they all needed you the most, you were nowhere to be found.” He ends the call.

  I’ve never in my life felt this kind of fear. It was crippling, and with each breath I took it only seems to intensify. I ride the elevator up to the fifth floor counting the seconds that pass. I walk through the halls feeling like no matter how fast my feet move, I still was getting nowhere. Tears prick the backs of my eye lids as I blink over and over trying to keep them under control as I step up to the door that reads 5112.

  With one deep in take of breath I move forward and step inside. Brynn lay in the hospital bed, tubes running from the arm extended out at her side. On the opposite side of her bed sat Aric, as he held her hand in his.

  When he senses I’m there he glares back at me with the hate I deserve.

  “I’m sorry,” I say the words I think more to Brynn then Aric. The sound of the chair he sat in screeches against the floor as he pushes back and practically knocks it over from the force.

  “You’re sorry,” He says with disgust. “You show up here hours after she falls. You walk in here after she practically begged for you in the beginning yet you were unreachable.”

  “I had something to take care of,” I explain. It wasn’t him I owe an explanation to, it’s Brynn.

  Suddenly Aric is on me, f
aster than I can register. I’m pushed back against the door behind me, my shirt fisted in his hands. “Something to fucking take care of,” he seethes. “You were with her, taking care of fucking shit that is none of your concern while the woman carrying your child needed you. That boy is not your son, Alec. She fucking needed you.”

  I give him this moment, staring back at him knowing he knew where I’d been. I deserve all the hate he directs, hell, I deserve worse.

  “That’s right,” his nose wrinkles in disgust. “I know you spent the day with Mandy and Caden. I know all about the doctor, lunch, how you fucking sat around sharing ice cream like some fucking happy ass little family.”

  “That’s not how it was.” I tell him this but know at this point nothing I could say would soothe his anger.

  “Meanwhile, Brynn is rushed here by ambulance and whisked off to surgery, not only to deliver your daughter, but to repair the damage she caused during her fall.” I swallow hard as I look in her direction. “Look at me, you sorry ass piece of shit.”

  I redirect my gaze to my brother only this time I push back. “You wanna hit me, hit me.” I lean in closer to him, ensuring he reads the determination in my eyes. “If you want to yell and fucking scream then do it, but know one thing, you will be moving out of my way so that I can get to her. Because not you or anyone else for that matter is gonna to keep me from her.”

  “No one but Mandy that is,” he adds just before releasing his hold on me.

  “I told you it wasn’t like that.”

  “You were with her all day,” he adds. “Yet you never felt the need to tell anyone about the plans I’m sure you’ve had for days to meet her. If that’s not guilt for doing something you knew you shouldn’t then I don’t know what is.”

  We stand there, head to head in the small space near the entry door to the room. Aric glaring at me as if at any moment he would attack, and at that point I wasn’t so sure I would stop him. I felt defeated because he was right, I fucked up.

  “Alec,” the sound of Brynn’s voice causes both of us to move toward her, as I quickly survey the damage. No longer did her stomach show the evidence of our child and the reality of what had taken place while I was unreachable hit me.

  “Baby, I’m so sorry,” I tell her as I lean in and kiss her forehead carefully in fear of hurting her. “I should’ve been here.”

  “But you were with her?” I stand tall once more and look at her seeing the hurt in her eyes. “I heard the two of you.” Tears pool in her eyes as she fights to keep them open. “With them,” she adds, “instead of here, with me.”

  “Brynn,” I whisper her name, unable to say anything more. Honestly, what was there to say, I’d made a colossal mistake, one that I knew words wouldn’t fix.

  “She only weighs three pounds and six ounces.” Brynn whispers this as her eyes close once more. “They say she can’t breathe on her own. You should have been here, Alec.” I hang my head, feeling the emotions I’ve been trying to fight take over. “I know you love him, and I’ve accepted that you most likely always will. But the reality is our daughter is here, and instead of being with us you were with them. You should’ve been here.”

  And with that the tears fall as I lean forward and rest my hand on the pillow at her side. My body shook with the sobs I’d been trying to hold in but was no longer able to.

  “She’s a tough one,” I look up to see the nurse step into the room behind me. My hand extends out through a small opening in the side of the device my daughter sleeps in, my finger simply resting against her palm. “She’s getting stronger every day.”

  It’s been four days since she was born, yet she still was unnamed. Just the simple name Reynolds was displayed on the top of the machine she lay in. Four days of me feeling like shit but refusing to feel sorry for myself. Because I don’t deserve it. I did this, I made the choice, and in the end it may cost me the woman I love. She couldn’t even look at me, and I don’t blame her, hell, looking at myself was hard. I could sense the struggle within in whenever I was near, the way she would look away, because seeing me only upset her further.

  “Would you like to hold your daughter?” the nurse steps up to the side of the incubator and lowers the left side. “Direct contact is great for her. To feel your heartbeat, your warmth.”

  I nod, suddenly feeling choked up by the idea of holding my daughter close.

  I watch her with great anticipation as she carefully maneuvers the tubes and such around securing them. And when she lifts my daughter up I swear it feels as if time freezes and I hold my breath waiting to feel her in my arms.

  So tiny, so innocent, I can hold her in one hand and she’d fit perfectly.

  Moving her in close to my chest I cup her bottom and fit her into the crook of my arm. Quietly I look her over from head to toe. Her tiny button nose twitches just slightly when I trace her brow with my fingertip. My daughter was so perfect, and the realization that I could have lost not only her but her mother too hit me.

  I close my eyes, taking one deep breath after another trying to fight off the impending tears that threaten to spill.

  “She’s amazing, isn’t she?” I look up to see another nurse wheeling Brynn through the open doorway and into the room. “Surreal almost, like there’s no way something that perfect could exist.”

  I try to speak, only I can’t because everything I feel inside leaves me raw. So instead I nod watching here closely until her wheelchair pauses next to the chair I sit in.

  “I understand if you want time with her,” I finally say. “I could come back later.”

  “I told you that I would never keep you from your child, and I still mean that.”

  “But being with you is a different story, right?” There is a deafening silence that is shared between us. One that makes my heart ache with such an excruciating loss.

  “I want to let go of the fact that you weren’t here with us when you should have been but at this point I’m not sure I can. It hurts me that you weren’t here,” she confesses. “I think I could move on from the idea that you were just lost in work, or tied up in meetings. But you were with a woman that destroyed you at one point and took your heart and crushed it. That’s hard to let go of.”

  I watch our daughter sleep in my arms because looking Brynn I knew would be too hard.

  “I needed you here, Katelynn needed you,” I close my eyes tight as her words hit me deep. “Yet you left our home that morning knowing you were going to meet her and you said nothing.”

  “I didn’t want to give you a reason to doubt us.”

  “Which in the end is exactly what you’ve managed to do,” I don’t say anything in response, because really, what was the point? “I’m disappointed Alec, because I thought no matter what, I could always count on you.”

  “You can count on me.”

  “I used to think so,” she whispers, “now I’m not so sure.”

  A silence settles in over us and I know there’s nothing I can say or do to change what I’ve already done. It was the wrong choice, everything from the moment Mandy called me was wrong.

  “We need to name our daughter,” Brynn says, breaking through the silent tension that settles over us. “I have a couple ideas but I want you to be apart of naming her too.”

  “I had a couple thoughts too.” When I’m met with a nothing but quiet I look over toward Brynn and find her with a surprised look on her face. “What?” I smile, just a simple grin as she tilts her head gently still staring back at me with curiosity etching her features.

  “I guess I’m just surprised,” she confesses reaching out and stroking our daughter’s head. “We just never talked about names.”

  “Thought we’d have more time,”I say closing my eyes when I feel her hand brush against my forearm. I miss her, miss being able to kiss her and hold her whenever the urge struck me.

  “I think we should say number one picks and see what we can decide on.” This was our first conversation in days, and I’m amazed at how
light it feels. After the slap down she gave me only moments ago that is.

  “Okay,” I agree, trying not forget the fact that she and I were so far from being okay. It just felt like for a moment we were back to the times where we could laugh together and taunt the other. “On the count of three,” I wait for her to agree, and feel relief over me when she smiles back as she nods.

  “One, two, and—”

  “Sydney,” I say without waiting for three. But in an equal rush she says Blair and we both just stare at one another weighing the other person’s suggestion.

  “Blair Sydney, Sydney Blair,” Brynn says the two options over and over before looking toward our daughter. I too look down at the sweet little angel I hold in my arms and watch her as I whisper the name in my mind.

  “I think I like Sydney Blair Reynolds,” Brynn finally says and I smile down at my little girl. “Hello Sydney,” Brynn whispers as she again trails her finger over our daughter’s forehead. Just hearing her repeat the name struck something inside me.

  “He has cancer,” I say this out loud and Brynn’s hand freezes. “I know he’s not my responsibility, Brynn, I know he’s not my son. But the first thing that flashed in my mind the second she told me the news, all I could see was the tiny little boy that used to cry out Dada whenever I entered the room.” I turned my head just enough to be able to see her face. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I just didn’t want you to worry, and I didn’t want you to think it was because of her that I went to the doctor. It was for him,” my chest aches as I plead with her to understand. “It was only for him.”

  Chapter 34

  Brynn

  I was torn, I had been for week. I couldn’t choose between my heart and my mind because they were both telling me two different things. It would be so easy to say it’s okay and I understand, only I didn’t understand, and it wasn’t okay.