Love Can Be Murder (boxed set of humorous mysteries)

by Stephanie Bond

  Hoping that food would help calm her jitters, she ate a bran muffin and plain yogurt. Unbidden, her thoughts went to B.J. Beaumont and what garbage he was consuming for breakfast. She tried to shake her thoughts of him, but they dogged her into the shower, where, as she ran soapy hands over her body, she kept remembering the interest in his dark eyes, replaying the evening they might have had if...

  Penny sighed as guilt descended. How could she be thinking about being with another man when Deke wasn't even in the ground—especially when a lot of people thought she had put him there.

  She showered and dressed quickly, then picked up the damaged phone cord to discover that her yank had disabled the base unit. The phone calls she needed to make—to Gloria, to B.J., to Liz—would have to wait until she could make them from her office. She glanced at her watch. Marie would already have the shop open, but she and Guy were probably worried sick about her. Penny frowned at the burned-out bulb on the landing as she left, then hurried down the stairs. When she opened the door leading to the sidewalk, she blinked at the woman standing there with a microphone that read WTNL. Behind her, a man held a camera on his shoulder, and it appeared to be rolling.

  "Ms. Francisco," the woman said, "what can you tell us about the voodoo ritual that resulted in your ex-husband's grisly death?"

  "Nothing," Penny said, attempting to sidestep the woman.

  "Ms. Francisco, how long have you practiced voodoo?"

  "I don't," she replied.

  "Are you some kind of priestess?" the woman asked, stepping on Penny's heels. "I understand you sell charms and spells at your place of business."

  "You misunderstood," Penny said, pushing past her and breaking into a jog. Hopefully the police would have some answers soon and would be able to clear her name. In the end, she was sure that science would win out over voodoo.

  She walked briskly, glancing over her shoulder to see if the reporter and her crew were following her. Thankfully, it appeared that they had given up. She relaxed a bit...until she noticed a commotion up ahead in front of her store. A crowd had gathered, including two more TV cameras. Marie's blue hair shone like a beacon; she was standing under the awning, gesturing in what looked like an attempt to address the crowd. Penny picked up the pace, dread billowing in her stomach. What now?

  She was a few feet away from the crowd of about fifty when someone shouted, "There she is!"

  In one collective movement, the people turned to stare, then began to run toward her. Paralyzed, Penny stood rooted to the ground as women surrounded her, thrusting voodoo dolls in her face. "My husband needs a wake-up call—can you stick him in the hip?"

  "In the foot?"

  "In the crotch?"

  "I want mine dead! Stick him in the heart, like you stuck it to your husband!"

  Chapter Sixteen

  Monitor concoction for deterioration...

  PENNY BLINKED, slack-jawed, as women pushed and pulled on her clothing, begging her to perform a ritual on their husband voodoo dolls. A doll popped her in the forehead, then fell to the ground. Suddenly she was pelted with dolls. Out of nowhere, Marie appeared and grabbed Penny's arm.

  "Get a divorce lawyer!" Marie yelled to the crowd as she dragged Penny to the relative safety of the door. The cameras had captured everything.

  "There are more inside," Marie warned, then she opened the door. Sure enough, Penny was rushed again by people clutching dolls and amulets, bones, and even a live chicken. Guy cowered behind the counter. "Everybody out," Marie shouted, "unless you plan to buy something."

  "I'll pay for a voodoo session!" one woman yelled, holding her doll high.

  "Me too"s chorused around the shop, and Marie turned to Penny, eyebrows raised. Penny scowled, then shook her head, and Marie seemed dejected. "Sorry, folks, no voodoo sessions, but how about a nice tall glass of Hot Voodoo Sex?"

  The question distracted the crowd enough for Penny to slip away and make a beeline for her office. She closed the door behind her and leaned against it, puffing her cheeks out in an exhale. How much crazier could things get?

  Then she straightened and looked heavenward, her hands up in surrender. "I didn't mean that as a challenge."

  She sighed and dropped into her desk chair, then stared at the locked bottom drawer, tempted to dive in. She needed the comfort, the flood of endorphins to calm her. Her mouth watered, and she was reaching for the desk key before she caught herself. She'd regret it later...she always did. The stash was there as a reminder that she could resist temptation, not as a quick fix. Recognizing the distraction as a delay tactic, she forced herself to pick up the phone and dial Gloria Dalton's cell phone number. Gloria answered on the second ring.

  "Hello?"

  "Hi, Gloria, it's Penny. Is this a bad time?"

  "I just heard you on Kenner in the Morning. Please don't talk to the press, Penny."

  "But I didn't!"

  "When the man asked if you'd killed your husband with a voodoo hex, you said, 'Ex-husband.'"

  "So?"

  "So that sounds as if you admitted to killing your ex-husband with a voodoo hex!"

  Penny winced. "It was taken out of context."

  Gloria sighed and something rattled in the background that sounded like a pill bottle being opened. "How are you holding up?"

  "I haven't fallen apart." Penny glanced at the bottom desk drawer. "Yet."

  "Good. Hang in there. I have a call in to Detective Maynard for an update. Maybe he'll have good news."

  "While you have him on the phone, ask him about the .45 handgun that was supposedly found in my apartment during their search."

  "You had a gun?"

  "No! That's the point—a gun is listed on the paperwork as being removed, but I don't own a gun and I never have."

  "Okay," Gloria said, sounding nervous. "I'll look into it. Anything else?"

  Penny hesitated, then said, "There was an incident while I was out on my regular morning run."

  "What kind of incident?"

  "I was, um, shot at."

  "What? Are you sure?"

  "I'm sure that two shots were fired that came very close to hitting me."

  "Did you see where they came from?"

  "No."

  "Have you reported it to the police?"

  "I will as soon as we hang up."

  Gloria made agitated noises. "Okay, I'll let Maynard know when I talk to him."

  "One more thing," Penny said. "I hired a private investigator."

  "Why?" Gloria said, her voice suspicious.

  "I thought he might be able to poke around where the police can't."

  "Be careful. You don't want to step on toes at the police department."

  With a pledge to talk soon, Penny hung up the phone and dialed the police station. "Chief Davis, please. This is Penny Francisco."

  After a minute or two of silence, Chief Davis came on the line. "Hello, Penny. Is your conscience bothering you?"

  Penny pursed her mouth. "No. I called to report something strange that happened this morning while I was running."

  "What?" Allyson asked in a bored voice.

  "I was shot at."

  Allyson gave a disbelieving little laugh. "Shot at?"

  Penny closed her eyes briefly. "That's right. On Hairpin Hill. Two shots were fired, and one came very close to hitting me."

  "You must have been mistaken," Allyson said. "Maybe you heard a car backfire, or someone was playing with fireworks."

  "I don't think so. A bullet hit a tree next to me."

  "Then maybe someone was shooting at an animal and the bullet went astray."

  Penny bit her lip. "I suppose that's possible, but don't you think you should look into it?"

  Tension crackled across the line. "Don't tell me what I should look into, Penny, else I might think you're trying to send me on a wild-goose chase to distract me from Deke's murder case."

  Penny ground her teeth. "I'm telling you, someone was shooting at me."

  "Why would someone be shoot
ing at you, Penny? Is there something you're not telling me?"

  "No," Penny said through clenched teeth. "I was just on my normal morning run."

  "And have you ever been shot at before while you were on your morning run?" Allyson's voice dripped with sarcasm.

  "No. But considering the timing, it might have something to do with Deke's murder."

  Allyson sighed. "Okay, I'll send an officer out there to sniff around. What time did it happen?"

  "Around 7:15 a.m."

  "And you're just now getting around to telling me?"

  "My home phone isn't working. I'm calling you from the shop."

  "I saw the crowd at your shop this morning when I drove by. I have half a mind to book you for inciting a riot for suggesting that what happened to Deke has something to do with voodoo."

  "But I didn't."

  "Right. The paper is full of reports of hexes and voodoo rituals. It's bad publicity for Mojo, especially since Deke's mother is the mayor. Every half-baked witch in the tristate will be here causing trouble."

  "I want this to be over more than you do," Penny said evenly. "Maybe if you were less intent on pinning Deke's murder on me, you'd find the real killer." She slammed down the phone, realizing she'd probably nixed any investigation into the shooting.

  Penny inhaled and exhaled several times to quiet her racing pulse, then she picked up the phone to make another difficult call. She dialed slowly, almost hoping that Liz wouldn't answer, but she did.

  "Hello?"

  "Liz, hi, it's Penny."

  "Hi, sweetheart. I'm taking Wendy to the airport—her flight was delayed a couple of hours. Are you hung over this morning, or did you manage to hook up with that hottie from the bar?"

  Penny pursed her mouth. "I guess you haven't watched the news."

  "No," Liz said suspiciously. "Why?"

  "Liz, Deke is...dead."

  "What?" Liz screeched, then moved her mouth away from the phone. "Wendy, Penny says that Deke is dead." She put her mouth back to the phone. "What on earth happened?"

  Penny recounted the details for what seemed like the hundredth time.

  Liz gasped. "Stabbed? But that's just like the voodoo doll."

  Penny frowned. "I know...and people are drawing comparisons, including the police."

  "Oh, my God, honey, how awful for you. What can we do—do you want us to come and stay with you?"

  "Thanks, but that's not a good idea right now. Television reporters are following me, not to mention the crazies who seem to think I have some kind of magic voodoo powers."

  "That's downright spooky."

  Penny cleared her throat. "Liz, the police are going to question you and Wendy because you were at the party. I have to ask again—did either one of you bring the voodoo doll as a gag gift?"

  "No," Liz said. "We brought the blow-up guy. Wait a minute—are you saying that the police think you killed Deke because of sticking that stupid voodoo doll?"

  "That's about the gist of it."

  Liz made an exasperated noise, then stopped suddenly. "You didn't kill him, did you, Penny?"

  "No! How could you even ask?"

  "Because...well, I wouldn't blame you if you did. After all, he was a lying, cheating bastard who deserved to die a slow, painful death."

  Penny stuck her tongue into her cheek. "Still, I didn't kill him."

  Liz made fretting noises. "Why don't you come and stay with me until this all blows over?"

  "I need to stay in town." The unspoken words hung in the air: I'm the primary suspect. "I have my business to run," she added hurriedly.

  "Right," Liz said slowly. "When is the funeral?"

  "I'm not sure, but I'll let you know."

  "I'll be there, and Wendy is saying that she'll come back, too. We're both so sorry, Penny."

  Penny's eyes began to water. "Thanks."

  "Promise you'll call if you need anything."

  "I will."

  Penny hung up the phone, fighting a sudden bout of tears. Telling people Deke was dead didn't make it seem any more real—only more unbelievable.

  A knock on the door sounded. She wiped the corners of her eyes and took a deep breath. "Who is it?"

  "It's me, Guy."

  "Come in."

  Guy poked his head inside, his expression forlorn. "You can come out now—they're gone."

  She pushed to her feet. "Thanks."

  When she walked out, Marie stood next to Guy, looking just as distressed.

  "I didn't do it," Penny said quickly. "And I'm sorry, but the police will probably be questioning you. Do you know who brought the voodoo doll to the party?"

  They shook their heads.

  Penny sighed. "Okay, don't worry about me. The best thing is to try to conduct business as usual."

  They both nodded, their expressions anguished, and she felt a rush of fondness and gratitude. "Guy, where's the best place to get a cell phone?"

  While he went to write down some information for her, she turned to Marie. "I'm going to be in and out until this blows over. Can you handle things here at the store?"

  "Absolutely."

  "Great—thank you." Suddenly a thought popped into her head. "Marie, what about the two friends of yours who came to the party, the ones who cut hair?"

  "Jill and Melissa? What about them?"

  "Could one of them have brought the voodoo doll?"

  She shrugged. "I can find out."

  "Do you know if either one of them is connected to Deke?"

  Marie squirmed and averted her gaze.

  "Marie?"

  The young woman sighed. "I don't know for sure, but Melissa bragged that she'd, um, slept with Deke."

  Penny felt the blood drain from her face. "When?"

  "She said it was when Deke first bought his car—he gave her a ride."

  And then she'd given him a ride. Penny fisted her hands at her sides—had the man exercised no restraint?

  "I'm sorry, boss. I didn’t know when I invited her to the party."

  Penny inhaled to get a grip on her emotions. "It’s okay. Thanks for being honest."

  "By the way, who was that man you were talking to last night at Caskey's?"

  Penny hesitated. "Um...just someone I met. He's in town looking for a missing girl and was asking questions about Mojo."

  "He looked mighty interested in you," Marie said lightly.

  The door chimed, and Penny looked up to see the man they'd been talking about materialize.

  "Good morning," B.J. said.

  Penny straightened under Marie's probing gaze. "Good morning."

  Good God Almighty, the man was in excess. He wore jeans and a holey sweatshirt. His hair was shiny clean but looked like it had been combed with barbed wire. And for someone whose specialty was finding things, he seemed to have misplaced his razor.

  He lifted a bag from Benny's Beignets. The bottom half of the bag was transparent with grease. "Hungry?"

  She licked her lips. "Um, no. This is a health food store."

  "I'll take one," Marie said.

  "Me, too," Guy said, emerging from the stockroom. He handed Penny a page of notes on where to buy a cell phone. "He's cute," he whispered.

  Penny's mouth quirked to one side. She awkwardly introduced B.J. as "a person who's helping me" and left Marie and Guy to figure out what he was helping her with.

  "Nice place," B.J. said, walking around.

  Penny frowned. "You're getting powdered sugar on the floor."

  He looked down and used the toe of his boot to scatter the white stuff, as if it would help. Marie and Guy both looked at him with dreamy eyes until Penny stared them down. She nodded in a "get lost" movement, and they scattered to straighten shelves.

  "I tried to call you," B.J. said.

  "My phone isn't working," she replied, then held up the sheet of paper that Guy had given her. "But I'm going to buy a cell phone."

  "I'll go with you," he said. "It'll give us a chance to talk."

  She nodded, alth
ough the dark tone of his voice made her chest tighten. What had he discovered?

  The chime sounded as the door opened, admitting Jules Lamborne.

  "Hi, Jules," Marie called loudly.

  But instead of her regular cheerful greeting, Jules lifted her carved walking stick and pointed it at Penny. "I told you that voodoo isn't for amateurs."

  Penny blinked and held out a calming hand. "Jules, I know what everyone is saying, but Deke Black's murder had nothing to do with me sticking that voodoo doll."

  "That's what you think," Jules said, her voice crackling with strain.

  "Maybe it was a random killing," Marie said, munching on her beignet. "Maybe someone here for the festival got carried away."

  "Nothing is random," Jules declared, then looked back to Penny. "Someone put a hex on that doll, and used you as a carrier."

  Penny frowned. "A carrier?"

  "Or someone could have put a hex on you."

  Penny started to deny Jules's words, then she remembered the masked priestess in the shelter who had singled her out. Penny asked Jules about the woman and the rattle.

  "It's called an ason," Jules said. "It's a gourd filled with snake vertebrae, to honor Danbala, the Great Serpent spirit. Only voodoo priests and priestesses are allowed to use the ason. They can be used to bring forth good...or evil."

  For a few seconds, Penny was riveted, then she shook herself. "I don't believe in voodoo, Jules."

  "You should," the old woman said, backing toward the door. "I told you people were going to die, but you didn't listen."

  Cool air settled over Penny's arms, raising goose-flesh across her shoulders. "I'm listening now."

  "Good," Jules said, then stabbed the air with her stick. "Because the dying isn't over yet."

  Chapter Seventeen

  You might need to test alternate formulas...

  "SHE’S A SPOOKY OLD GAL, isn't she?" B.J. asked, holding open the passenger door of his faded green sedan, which was parked in the store parking lot. Homemade and mass-produced voodoo dolls littered the ground, many with notes attached.

  On impulse, Penny scooped up one of the dolls at her feet and nodded as she slid by him. The scent of strong soap tickled her nostrils, and she suddenly had doubts about being with him in such a confining space. The fact that she'd known him for such a short time niggled at the back of her mind. On the other hand, she'd known Deke for years, yet her trust in him had been utterly misplaced.