Love Can Be Murder (boxed set of humorous mysteries)

by Stephanie Bond

  Nell handed her a doughnut and opened a pint carton of milk. "Go ahead and eat. I had one already."

  She frowned at the message still playing over the intercom. "If there's no fire, why don't they turn off the alarm?"

  "They probably have to wait for the fire department to reset it."

  Angora bit into the doughnut—the food of all foods, in her opinion. Dee wouldn't even allow them in the house. Ooh, and whole milk. Wow. She took a big drink, then winced. "This milk tastes funny."

  "It's fresh," Nell assured her. "I just bought it in the cafeteria."

  "Oh. I'm used to drinking skim."

  "That must be it," Nell agreed.

  She took another large bite and swallow of milk, "Roxann said she was coming over."

  "I'm sorry I'll miss her. I can't stay very long."

  "Roxann really thinks the world of you, you know."

  Nell looked sad. "I think the world of her, too." She stood and walked around the room with her hands clasped behind her, as if she were in the classroom giving a lecture. "I hear that you've been spreading lies about Dr. Seger."

  She stopped mid-chew and talked through a mouthful of jelly. "Huh?"

  "Mike Brown said you told the police that you had a sexual encounter with Carl in his office."

  She swallowed and tried to speak, but her throat was dry and tingly. She downed another drink of milk, then laid her head back. "I wasn't lying. It...happened."

  "You lying little glutton of a bitch," Nell said in a calm voice.

  But Angora wasn't sure she heard her correctly, because something was wrong. Her head felt funny, and her stomach burned—inside and out.

  "He also said that you saw Carl driving away from the scene the night that Tammy Paulen was killed."

  "I...did." She moaned and clutched her stomach.

  "That makes two lies, Angora. I was driving Carl's car. I saw that little slut in the road and I ran over her." She laughed. "Not only did I not slow down—I actually sped up. She was pregnant, you know. She told me it was Carl's baby, but she was a liar, too."

  Nell walked over and lifted Angora's hand, then dropped several capsule halves from her own gloved hand and closed Angora's fingers over the bits of plastic.

  Angora couldn't resist her—she had no control over her limbs. She watched as Nell guided her hand over the tray table and allowed the empty capsules that now had her fingerprints on them to fall out and roll next to the carton of milk.

  "But those are our little secrets, Angora. You can take them to your grave. Which should be very shortly considering the amount of painkiller I put in that milk."

  Angora's tongue seemed to overflow her mouth. She couldn't talk, but she could hear every word the sick woman was saying.

  "I thought they'd lock you up for sure. I set you up with a dim farmer who thinks he's F. Lee Bailey. He told me things because he thought I was trying to help you." She laughed. "I think the poor clod is in love with you."

  "Help...me," Angora whispered.

  "Oh, but I am. You see, you have the reputation of being unstable. Did you know there's schizophrenia in your family? It's hereditary. I know because my mother was schizophrenic." She laughed. "But I digress. You were depressed, Angora. You were just jilted at the altar, then all this business with Carl, then your surgery. You were so overcome with grief that you took your own life with pills you stole from my kitchen cabinet. I made a point of telling my sister when I went to Indy that someone had been pilfering my medicine." She sighed. "So you see, everyone will believe you simply gave up."

  Angora fought the urge to give in to sleep. This was the third time in as many days that she'd thought she was dying, and Dee always said that the third time was the charm. Where was that senior guardian angel? Oh, boy, she was a goner this time, taken down by jelly doughnuts.

  Chapter Thirty-five

  ROXANN RAN DOWN the hall, looking for Angora's room number. The acrid smell of smoke was even stronger on this floor, although she didn't see smoke. Capistrano was behind her, followed by two security guards. She was short of breath from running the eight flights of stairs.

  "Here!" she shouted, moving the "room evacuated" door tag to try the handle. "It's locked." She peered through the narrow frosted window, but she couldn't make out anything.

  Capistrano threw his weight against the door, but it wouldn't budge. He pulled down the sleeve of his sweatshirt to cover his fist, then rammed it through the glass and looked in. "Angora's in there. Alone." He reached through the window and down to unlock the door from the inside.

  Roxann rushed into the room. Angora was deathly pale. Next to her sat an open bag of doughnuts and a small carton of milk, surrounded by a mound of broken capsules. "Call a doctor," she yelled to the guards. "Tell them she's been drugged, maybe poisoned."

  "Stay here," Capistrano said to Roxann. "I'm going to look for Oney."

  But Roxann was right behind him. He borrowed a two-way radio from one of the guards and stuffed it in his coat pocket. Then he fished a card out of his wallet and punched in a number on his cell phone while he moved down the hall, peering into adjacent rooms.

  "This is Detective Capistrano of the Biloxi PD. I have an emergency at Holy Cross Hospital. Possible murder attempt. The suspect is Dr. Nell Oney, Caucasian female, approximately fifty years of age, five feet five, one hundred ten pounds. Suspect may have left the building traveling on foot. Requesting periphery surveillance. Also, inform Detectives Warner and Jaffey."

  They found one of the sources of the smoke—a smoldering bin of used linens in a supply closet. The detective used the radio to alert the security guards and closed the door. There were probably similar fires throughout the building. They systematically checked rooms, then moved down one floor, but Roxann was afraid that Nell was long gone. On the seventh floor, however, a gravelly sound reached her ears—coughing. Apparently the smoke from the fires Nell had set was too much for her. Roxann nudged Capistrano and pointed to a women's lounge. He radioed the security guards and told them to notify the police. Then he drew his weapon, which brought tears to her eyes. He gestured for her to stay put, then crept to the door.

  "Dr. Oney," he called. "It's Detective Capistrano and Roxann. We know you're in there, and we know what happened. Come out and we'll work through this together." He backed away from the door.

  A few seconds later, Nell emerged, her pallor gray, and her eyes red-rimmed. She had her hand to her mouth, coughing so violently, her entire body shook.

  She gasped for air, and pointed a bony finger at Roxann. "I tried to protect you," she said. "I loved Carl, too, but I was protecting you when I sent you away."

  Roxann swallowed, unable to reconcile the wild-eyed woman before her with the nurturing mentor Nell had once been. "All those years ago...you made up the story about Carl being investigated because you knew I'd leave."

  "Yes. He was crazy about you, but I knew he'd never change. The man unzipped his fly for any pretty girl who walked by."

  She looked to Capistrano who gestured that she keep Nell talking. "You were sure he wouldn't come after me once I left South Bend?"

  "No, I wasn't sure. But I told Carl if he didn't stay away from you, I'd reveal that Tammy Paulen was pregnant with his baby when she died."

  Roxann blinked as another piece of the puzzle fell into place. "You killed Tammy, didn't you?" she asked softly.

  She smiled. "You're smarter than Carl."

  "He didn't know until Angora told him."

  Nell lapsed into another coughing fit and sagged against the door. Roxann started to go to her, but Capistrano held out his arm. "Do you need to sit down, ma'am?"

  Her next inhale expanded her frail chest. She shook her head. "No, I want to have my say before they take me away." She swallowed, then wiped her mouth with her hand. "Carl called me the night that Angora was at his house. Said if I even thought about revealing the Paulen girl's pregnancy, he could prove that I'd killed her. He said he was still in love with you, Roxann, and th
at now I couldn't stop him from pursuing a relationship with you."

  A bittersweet revelation. "So you sent over Frank Cape, with the scarf you took from my room?"

  Nell made a regretful sound. "That's where things went bad. I told Frank that if he did me a favor, I could find out where Melissa was hiding."

  Bile backed up in Roxann's mouth that Nell was willing to betray a woman who took refuge in the program she had created.

  "The idiot was supposed to make it look as if Angora killed Carl. Later he told me the scarf was already in the library, and he thought it was hers. I could have killed Frank myself for incriminating you."

  "Carl was at the restaurant where you and I dined," Roxann murmured. "I must have lost my scarf and he must have found it."

  Nell's smile was rueful. "An unforeseeable mix-up."

  "How did you meet up with Cape?" Capistrano asked.

  "Elise was screwing him in Biloxi."

  Roxann wet her lips. "Elise is dead, you know."

  Nell's laugh was punctuated with a hacking cough. "Oh, yes, I know. Elise and I were close when she went to school here. Carl nearly destroyed her, too, so I took her under my wing. She was strung too tightly to cope with any disappointment. Over the years she called me when she was in the midst of one crisis or another. I tried to help her when I could, find jobs for her."

  "You sent her to Biloxi," Roxann said in sudden comprehension.

  Nell nodded. "When your picture ran in the alumni newsletter, I could tell Carl was getting restless. He asked me to let him off the hook—he wanted to see you again." She smiled sadly. "I told him no, that you were still off-limits. He'd poisoned enough women with his wickedness, me included."

  Roxann couldn't believe what she was hearing. "So you sent Elise to spy on me?"

  "I was trying to protect you, don't you see?" Nell's bottom lip quivered. "I never had a child, Roxann. You're like a daughter to me."

  She set her jaw to hold back her emotion. Nell's love was so twisted, it was inconceivable. "B-but why did you kill Elise?"

  "I didn't plan to, but I listened in on her call to you at my house. I went to see her, to stop her from telling you everything. She wanted pills in return for her silence. Those pills wouldn't have hurt her if she hadn't taken more than one."

  But anyone who knew Elise knew that one of anything was never enough. Anger stirred in Roxann's stomach. "Angora had better live," she whispered. "She's innocent in all of this."

  Nell's ghostly face suddenly turned malicious. "Because of her, I had to have Carl killed." Then she narrowed her eyes. "And I finally figured out your little secret. How can you say that Angora is innocent?"

  Roxann's heart pumped harder.

  "It took me a while," Nell admitted. "But I started thinking about what Tammy had told me—that it had something to do with a blond wig. It suddenly dawned on me while I was at my sister's house. I checked, and it all fit."

  The exit door swung open and Detective Jaffey appeared with two uniformed officers, weapons drawn.

  "It's okay," Capistrano called. "Dr. Oney isn't going to cause any more trouble." Then he looked back to her. "Are you?"

  She shook her head and succumbed to another coughing spasm until blood appeared in her mouth. "I'm dying," she said to Roxann, with tears in her eyes.

  "What?"

  "Lung cancer. Doctors say I have about three months left to live."

  Roxann broke away from Capistrano's restraining arm and went to her. They hugged for several long minutes, and Roxann pretended Nell was the woman they both wanted her to be. Jaffey walked up. "We'll take it from here."

  She watched them lead Nell away, the woman's walk little more than a shuffle. Roxann slid down the wall and sat on the floor, weak and spent after the day's revelations. Capistrano was talking to Jaffey, filling him in on the high points of Nell's confession. Then he spoke to someone over the two-way radio, and walked over to sit down by her.

  "Your cousin is going to make it."

  She closed her eyes and breathed a prayer of thanks. "Is this nightmare finally over?"

  He pursed his mouth and nodded. "Unless you have a confession to make?"

  He was referring to the secret Nell hinted at. "Nope. I'm done for the day." She pushed herself up and he followed. "I don't know how to thank you," she murmured.

  "Yes, you do," he said, his brown eyes serious.

  But her head was too full to deal with yet another demand. "Sorry, Detective. That's not on the table." Then she walked toward the exit sign.

  Chapter Thirty-six

  "WE COULD POSTPONE the trip back for another day if you don't feel up to it," Roxann said, pushing the wheelchair down the hall.

  Angora craned her head around. "I'm feeling fine. I just want to get out of here and on the road." She wore the crown Roxann had given her, and a blue pashmina shawl around her shoulders. She looked like a celebrity leaving the hospital, and indeed, she had become somewhat of a town icon since news of Dr. Oney's treachery had broken.

  Everyone at the nurses' station waved. "Goodbye, Angora."

  "Goodbye," she sang, waving at her adoring audience. "Thank you, everyone. Thank you."

  Roxann wheeled her to the side entrance where a refurbished Goldie awaited them. And Mike Brown. He was dressed in work clothes, including a John Deere ball cap, but he looked fresh-scrubbed. He smiled at Angora and juggled the items he was holding to take off his hat when they came closer. Without preamble, he thrust a wildflower bouquet into her hands.

  "Picked them myself this morning," he said, fiddling with his hat and the large brown paper bundle he held. "When I came back from milking."

  "Milking what?" Angora asked, then buried her nose in the flowers.

  "Cows," he said, pushing up his glasses. "And a couple of goats."

  "I didn't know you could milk goats."

  "Oh, sure," he said solemnly. Then he thumped the bundle he held—it sounded solid. "And I brought you a ham."

  Angora's eyes bulged. "A ham?"

  Roxann was pretty impressed herself. The man was scoring big with pork.

  "I'll put it in the van for you," he offered.

  Roxann slid back the van door and he deposited the ham on the floorboard behind the bench seat where she'd made a bed for Angora. New seat covers hid the damage of Frank Cape's knife—or Nell's. She wasn't sure who had done what anymore. Had Elise broken in to the duplex and left the message on the computer at Nell's instruction? But Nell hadn't known about the secret at the time, so was the word fake an accidental word choice that just happened to push Roxann's buttons? Was her guilt that deep?

  So it seemed.

  Mike helped Angora out of the wheelchair and practically lifted her into the van, then settled her onto the seat and tucked in covers all around. "You look like a queen," he said a little breathlessly, and Roxann realized that the man had a huge crush on her cousin.

  Angora beamed. "Thank you, Mike."

  "I'm sorry that Dr. Oney used me to get to you."

  He spoke so quickly that it must have been weighing on his mind for some time.

  "You couldn't have known," Angora said, touching his arm. "It's not your fault."

  "Still, I'm going to stick to farming from now on."

  "I think you're a wonderful lawyer," she said, and Roxann was glad to hear the sincerity in her voice. "I appreciate the way you stood up for me." She pulled him forward and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

  He blushed furiously and turned his hat inside out. Then he withdrew his wallet and extracted a business card. "You probably never want to see this place again, but if you're ever up this way, I'd be proud to show you my farm."

  She took the card and nodded. "I'd be proud to see it."

  "Goodbye, ma'am." Then he shoved his hat on his head and strode off, climbing into a white Suburban parked nearby.

  Roxann smiled. "Ready?"

  Angora looked up. "Yeah, I'm ready. Let's go home."

  She shoved the door closed, then climbed
into the driver's seat and adjusted the rearview mirror so they could see each other. "What a trip this has been."

  "I'll say. Honestly, Roxann, I had no idea this much sorrow and...evil existed in the world. Or maybe I knew, but I didn't think it could get to me. I've led such a charmed life."

  "Are you sorry you came?"

  Angora thought for a moment, then shook her head. "I don't know how to explain it, but it's as if the last couple of weeks had to happen, as if I've been holding my breath all my life waiting for it to unfold." She frowned. "Of course, I had no idea it would be so tragic." Her eyes were pinched, sorrowful. "Roxann, not a day goes by that I don't feel terrible about the deal we made."

  She leaned on the steering wheel, her pulse elevated. "Same here."

  "Do you think it had anything to do with what we just went through?"

  "You mean some kind of penance? I don't think all those people died just to jump-start our conscience, but maybe something good can come out of all of this."

  Angora bit into her bottom lip. "Is there anything we can do about it now?"

  Roxann turned around in her seat so they could speak face-to-face. "We could always come clean." How many times had she almost picked up a pay phone to make an anonymous tip on herself, just to get everything out in the open? But they'd promised each other sacred silence and she'd kept her end of the bargain.

  "What would happen to us?"

  "That's hard to say. Worst-case scenario, we could be brought up on criminal charges."

  "Not again."

  "But that's not likely, especially in light of the publicity the university has just suffered." She sighed. "And there would be personal consequences."

  "Mother would never forgive me. Trenton would be scandalized. The job in Chicago would be out." Then she gave a little laugh. "But I'm not so sure all of that would be a bad thing."

  "You don't want to go to Chicago?"

  "I don't want to marry Trenton."

  Roxann agreed with her wholeheartedly, but had kept her opinion in check.