The Smart Aleck's Guide to American History

by Adam Selzer

  There were actually dozens of verses, few of which are ever sung today. Several of them are on our Web page. Check out the verse the British troops made up in 1775 about Dr. Joseph Warren. Your teacher will hate us for suggesting it! Historians assume that there were probably much dirtier verses that no one wrote down at the time—soldiers make up dirty parodies of popular songs in just about every war.

  In 1775, the Continental Congress offered the British a deal: they’d stop using mob violence and militias and stay a part of the British empire, at least on paper, if the Crown would stop letting Parliament have any authority over the colonies. King George III refused.

  Still, the colonists thought that getting Boston back meant that the war was pretty much over. Congress was ready to write up …

  THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE

  Not every colonist was in favor of independence; a great many were still loyal to the Crown. In fact, right up until 1776, most of the colonists—even those who enjoyed mob violence—were proud to be British. But after the redcoats abandoned Boston, the revolutionaries were in charge of pretty much the entire country, and the loyalists didn’t have a leg to stand on.10

  By summer, all the colonies had overthrown their old governments and set up their own constitutions, making them states, not colonies, and the Second Continental Congress met in Philadelphia.

  The Second Continental Congress was made up of a bunch of guys now known as the founding fathers, but they weren’t the “band of brothers” we sometimes think of them as today. People are always trying to tell you what the founding fathers would think about some new law or another, but it’s useless to try to guess what they would have thought about any modern issue. In reality, they rarely agreed on anything, and anyway, no one can say if they would have the same opinions now as they held then, given the extent to which society has changed. Most of them seem to have thought most of the others were idiots. From the very beginning, Congress existed to fight.

  According to the back of the two-dollar bill, the founding fathers wore striped spandex pants to the signing of the Declaration.

  After much debate, Congress decided to write up a declaration saying that the colonies were now free and independent states, and that all men (except for slaves, of course, and certainly not women) were created equal.

  Thomas Jefferson was picked to write up the draft. Independence was actually declared on July 2, and the declaration was formally ratified on July 4.11 Since it took a long time for letters to get to England, no one was able to tell King George about this right away. Supposedly, his diary entry on July 4 read “Nothing important happened today.”12

  It’s important to remember that this was treason; the colonists weren’t really free of English rule until King George said they were, and the risks were high. As Ben Franklin said, “We must all hang together, or we will most assuredly hang separately.” If they were captured, the punishment for treason involved being hanged, cut down while still alive, and disemboweled; having your organs burned in front of you; and then being decapitated. These executions were a popular spectacle, though one can imagine that snack sales were slow.13

  THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE

  Plenty of people read the Declaration, which stated that “all men are created equal,” and wondered what the heck Jefferson meant. Did this mean people were created the same size, or what? Others pointed out that it was a weird thing to hear from a “country” where slavery was so important to the economy.

  In fact, Jefferson originally included a line attacking the slave trade, but a few states refused to ratify the Declaration unless the line was removed. The antislavery delegates had to decide that a declaration that didn’t criticize slavery specifically was better than no declaration at all.

  But the British Empire struck back.14 Once news got back to England that the colonies thought they were independent, King George responded by sending in a lot more troops. They seized New York City and nearly captured George Washington in the process. They also took over New Jersey, even though it probably smelled funny even then. Soon, they were in firm control of most of New England.

  Is this really what Washington looked like? We don’t know for sure; most pictures of him were painted by one guy, who might not have been all that accurate. We can assume, however, that Washington didn’t always look like he needed to pee, as he does here.

  HENRY “HARRY” KNOX

  You can’t tell from the famous painting at the beginning of the chapter, but Washington did have boat safety in mind during the famous crossing. Several soldiers later reported that General Washington helped break the nervous tension on the boat by turning to Henry “Harry” Knox (above), a rather chunky officer who went on to be the first secretary of war, and saying, “Shift your fat butt, Harry, or you’ll swamp the darned boat!” Only he didn’t say “butt” or “darned.” He said words that we’re not supposed to print. This got quite a laugh out of the soldiers, and helped lift their spirits enough for them to take over Trenton armed mostly with muskets, which were useless in the damp weather.

  WASHINGTON CROSSES THE DELAWARE: THE SIEGE OF TRENTON

  A lot of Americans were ready to give up at that point, but George Washington planned a sneak attack. On Christmas Day, Washington and his troops very quietly snuck across the Delaware River and attacked the British. The British weren’t expecting this; they were busy drinking to celebrate Christmas (which was pretty much the extent of Christmas celebrations at that time), and assumed that Washington and his men would be too busy dying of some dread disease or another to bother with attacking. With the British caught off guard, the colonists managed to take New Jersey back, which convinced a lot of them not to give up after all.

  Of course, they might have thought differently if they’d known the war would last another seven years. The British were by no means losing at this point: they beat another part of Washington’s army and took over Philadelphia, the capital of the new country-in-the-making. So the British were in control of Philadelphia and New York, while the colonists controlled only New Jersey.

  The fighting looked like it could go on awhile, so the British finally decided that they’d take the deal Congress had offered earlier: Parliament would leave them alone if they just stayed a part of the empire on paper for economic reasons. But it was too late. Congress effectively said, “You should have thought of that two years ago.”

  The Continental army at Valley Forge, back before snow pants were invented. Scarves could be used to cover the neck, though one suspects they were also used to cover the nose.

  It might actually have been a smart move for Congress to take the deal at that point. Despite being in control of New Jersey, they were getting their butts kicked all over the Northeast, and there was no sign that they could win the war anytime soon. Plus, they still had to get through…

  … THE WINTER AT VALLEY FORGE

  Throughout history, many armies have been beaten more by the weather than by another army, and this was nearly the fate of Washington and his men. Washington had picked Valley Forge, a site not far from Philadelphia, as the place for the army to camp for the winter; it was a good site, strategy-wise, but a little lacking in comfortable facilities.

  When the army arrived, the snow was six inches deep, the winds were howling, and the soldiers were already worn out from marching. Their clothes were little more than rags, their boots were falling apart, and food wasn’t delivered very often. Many soldiers had nothing to eat but “firecake,” a mixture of flour, water, and sometimes salt that tasted about as good as it sounds. Soon, they began to get unpleasant diseases, like dysentery.

  Living in cramped quarters with soldiers who had dysentery—which results in severe diarrhea—would have been dangerous (not to mention disgusting) in any weather. Around two thousand soldiers died, and another four thousand were declared unfit for duty. Many were probably thinking, “You know, I was ready to fight and die for independence, but nobody said anything about the trots!”r />
  THOMAS PAINE: THE NUT WHO STARTED TWO REVOLUTIONS

  Most colonists wouldn’t have dreamed of separating from the Crown prior to 1776, and those who suggested as much were thought to be crazy. It never even occurred to most of the people who hated England to think about independence until Thomas Paine, a rude, crude man who bathed even less than other people of the day, talked them into it.

  Paine wrote a pamphlet called “Common Sense,” which argued not only that the king was a jerk, but also that a faraway island, such as England, could never keep up the task of ruling an entire continent. Nearly everybody in the colonies either read it or heard someone read it out loud. Soon, everyone was claiming they’d been for independence even back before it was cool.

  It was a powerful pamphlet, outlining reasons to declare independence in plain language that even stupid people could understand. It was also a huge success: it sold more than a hundred thousand copies, making it the bestselling work of the day. Since it was written anonymously, however, Paine never made a cent.

  Having successfully talked the country into a revolution, he moved to France and wrote another pamphlet, “Rights of Man,” which talked the French into revolting, too. The French revolutionaries ended up throwing Paine into jail for suggesting that they go easy on King Louis XVI, who had helped the Americans win the war. After getting out, Paine returned to America and spent most of his final years broke, lonely, and bearing what was described by friends as “the most disagreeable smell possible.” Only six people attended his funeral.

  GREAT MYTHS OF HISTORY

  There is no solid evidence that …

  George Washington ever cut down his father’s cherry tree. This came from a largely made-up biography in the mid-1800s.

  George Washington had wooden teeth. His false teeth were in fact mostly bone and “donated” teeth that may have been taken from dead soldiers. Reportedly, they hurt like crazy. Wooden ones would have been pretty unsanitary.

  The reason John Hancock signed his name in large letters was so the king could read it without his glasses.

  Betsy Ross ever sewed a flag in her life. No one is sure who sewed the first flag.

  Continental soldiers’ ears hung so low that they could throw ’em over their shoulders.

  Patrick Henry actually made his “give me liberty or give me death” speech. It’s a great speech, but if he really delivered it, nobody thought to write it down for more than forty years. This is the case with many, if not most, of the famous quotes of the day.

  Meanwhile, those soldiers who were able to run across a field without requiring an outhouse at the other end spent the winter running drills and extensive training under the supervision of Baron Friedrich Wilhelm von Steuben, a former officer in the Prussian army, who turned them from a ragtag bunch of guys oozing gunk out of every orifice into an army that was ready to take on the British. At the end of the winter, just having survived was a huge morale booster, and they were able to take Philadelphia back from the British, with the help of the French, who had decided to join in after … .

  Washington: “Dear God, please let Ben Franklin invent some generic Pepto-Bismol.” There is no evidence that this engraving depicts an actual event, which is why Valley Forge, Pennsylvania, won’t put up a statue of it.

  … THE BATTLE OF SARATOGA:

  THE RISE AND FALL OF BENEDICT ARNOLD

  The British planned to send in an army from Canada to capture the entire Hudson River Valley in 1777, sealing off New England from the rest of the country and most likely putting an end to the whole war. Knowing that this sort of fight was coming, Washington sent Major General Benedict Arnold and his men up toward Canada to hold off the fight. A huge battle took place at Saratoga in which Arnold was shot just below the right buttock—the second time he’d been shot in his right leg. Even though Arnold pretty much single-handedly won this battle, most of the credit went to a guy named Horatio Gates. Still nursing his achy-breaky butt, Arnold became remarkably bitter.

  MAKE YOUR OWN FIRECAKE!

  Mix flour and water (and salt, if possible) into a thick paste, and bake it on a cookie sheet until it’s hard enough to break your teeth. Try it! We didn’t, but you can.

  Benedict Arnold: A guy you won’t be seeing on money anytime soon. Maybe they could put his right leg on the back of a quarter.

  Beating the British at Saratoga was the first event that made people throughout the world start to believe that the Americans could actually win the war. In particular, the French, who really hated the British and never missed a good chance to fight with them, started to think there was hope. Ben Franklin had been in Paris for some time, trying to talk them into joining the fight against the Crown (when he could tear himself away from flirting with women one-third his age, which, according to John Adams, is how he spent most of his time there). After they found out what Arnold and his men had done in Saratoga, they finally decided that it would be worth their while to help out. And the truth is, if it weren’t for the French, the British probably would have won the war in the end, as ashamed as most Americans are to admit it.

  Benedict Arnold, for one, wasn’t wild about the arrival of French troops, having had his fill fighting against them in the French and Indian War. He was further upset that Congress wouldn’t promote him to the rank of brigadier general or refund his wartime expenses. Having been shot twice in the same leg in service of the country, Arnold decided that he’d had just about enough. After being given control of West Point, he quietly offered to sell the fort to the British. Major John André of the British was captured with paperwork signed by Arnold and was promptly hanged as a spy by Americans who realized from the paperwork that Arnold had become a traitor. Knowing that he was sure to be caught, Arnold fled and joined the British army himself.

  EXPERIMENTS TO TRY AT HOME!

  If they hanged a one-legged Benedict Arnold, would the awkward center of gravity cause the body to spin around and around? Find out! You’ll need a saw, a length of rope, and a friend. For extra points, see if it would spin in the opposite direction south of the equator!

  Note: Don’t really do this.

  SLANG TERMS OF THE DAY

  Fartcatcher: Any soldier who had to stand behind other soldiers in marching formations.

  Arnold spent the rest of the war fighting for the British, though they never really trusted him. When he asked a captured American officer what would happen to him if he was ever captured—since he was, after all, still a hero of the Revolution—the officer said they’d bury his injured right leg with full military honors, then hang the rest of him. After the war, Arnold moved to England, where he tried to start up a shipping company. It failed, and he died pretty much forgotten, but with his leg still attached to his butt.

  THE BRITISH START TO LOSE

  Meanwhile, now that they were outnumbered in the Northeast, the British took over Savannah, Georgia, planning to move north. They assumed that plenty of the loyalist Americans would turn up to help them fight along the way, but not enough of them did. The two sides ended up engaging in one fight after another that didn’t really have any strategic point, and the British began to get worn down.

  As they marched north, the British figured that even if they didn’t capture the South, they’d at least be rescued by the British fleet in Virginia. That fleet, however, was destroyed by the French, leaving the British army stranded in Yorktown.

  In 1781, after several years of brutal fighting, General Lord Cornwallis finally surrendered the main British combat army to General Washington. By this time, Washington had actually lost more battles than he had won—in fact, no other modern general has lost as many battles as Washington did without losing the overall war. But the British army had grown heartily sick of the pointless battles and gross diseases. They were ready to give up.

  Of course, there was still the tiny matter of King George’s agreeing to recognize America as an independent nation. And King George, well known for being mentally ill, wanted to keep f
ighting, whether Cornwallis had surrendered or not. But his supporters had lost control of Parliament, and in 1783, John Adams, John Jay, and Benjamin Franklin, always ready to show up with paperwork, negotiated a peace treaty (the Treaty of Paris) in which King George agreed to stop fighting and recognize that his former colonies were now independent.

  Banastre Tarleton, a British officer, was commanding armies at the age of twenty-three. He became known as Bloody Ban after stories got around that his men had hacked to pieces soldiers who were trying to surrender. He later claimed the whole hacking business was an accident, but no one could quite imagine how anyone could “accidentally” hack someone to bits.

  America was officially a nation. A nation whose people could proudly say, “So … . now what?”

  A WHOLE NEW KING GEORGE?

  So, America was a country. The problem was, it wasn’t much of a country yet. It was a collection of thirteen states with no real common government—there was a national congress, but all it could do was suggest things to the states. It couldn’t raise or collect taxes, which led to some problems. There was no constitution at the time, only the Articles of Confederation, a document that loosely tied the states together but didn’t give the central government the power to do anything.