The Smart Aleck's Guide to American History

by Adam Selzer

  LEWIS AND CLARK:

  UNEATEN EXPLORERS

  In 1803, President Jefferson sent a couple of guys to Paris to offer to buy New Orleans from the French for ten million dollars. At the time, France had been taken over by a short weirdo named Napoléon Bonaparte, who had secret plans to set up an empire in North America. However, when the armies Napoléon stationed in America died of yellow fever, he gave up on the idea and surprised Jefferson’s men by offering them the entire Louisiana Territory for fifteen million dollars, roughly three cents per acre. On July 4, 1803, Jefferson got to announce that the country had just doubled in size. Yellow fever germs came free with the purchase.

  Even before he bought the Louisiana Territory, Jefferson sent out some explorers to look it over, get America into the fur trade, and collect scientific data. After he bought the land, the expedition became a much bigger deal—and legal. America suddenly had a huge new patch of land, and nobody really knew what it contained. There could have been elephants roaming around out there for all anyone knew—in fact, Jefferson fully expected it.

  Lewis’s and Clark’s letters and diaries show us that they couldn’t spell for beans (see our Web page!), but boy, could they dress!

  The explorers were led by Meriwether Lewis, a secretary with a taste for adventure, and William Clark, a veteran of the Revolution. Neither one of them knew the first thing about science or the wilderness, but they both had genuine guts. They were quite a ways into the expedition when they got word that most of the territory was now owned by America, so they weren’t doing anything illegal. The fact that they were walking through their rightful territory, not sneaking around behind France’s back, probably took some of the fun out of it, but they soon got far enough northwest to be out of the Louisiana Territory.

  Legal or not, the whole journey was quite an adventure. The wilderness was still uncharted, and it was full of dangerous animals and Native American tribes who weren’t always happy to see them. Once, the explorers were spared from being killed only when their guide, Sacajawea, recognized one of the attackers as her brother. But even Sacajawea couldn’t have saved them from a bear attack; it’s a miracle that no one got eaten. Only one member of the party died, and that was because his appendix ruptured.

  The Louisiana Territory is the white part. Cost of the average backyard: well under a penny.

  Lewis and Clark were certainly not the first explorers to visit the uncharted areas. Trappers had been passing through occasionally for years. In the Northwest, the expedition met a group of Native Americans who already knew several English words, such as “musket,” “powder,” “dagger,” and a handful of minor swearwords. Lewis and Clark told all the tribes they met that they had a new “great father,” President Jefferson, in the East, and that now that America, not the British, controlled the land, they could look forward to peace, health, and prosperity. Obviously, predicting the future was not Lewis and Clark’s strong point. If the tribes they encountered had known what was really in store, they would have probably called the explorers something a lot harsher than the minor swearwords they’d picked up from trappers.

  Both Lewis and Clark kept carefully detailed journals to record—with very poor spelling—everything that happened, and they made note of every new plant and animal they came across. The journals coined more than a thousand new terms and set America up for the great taming of the wilderness and expansion of the country in the coming decades.

  Napoléon. Would you buy a used tract of land from this man?

  THE WAR OF 1812

  Few people today know what the War of 1812—America’s second war with the British—was all about. But few people knew in 1812, either. Some Americans were upset that the British had been encouraging the Native Americans to get organized and fight the Americans, but others just plain didn’t like the British and wanted to kick them out of North America once and for all, even if the United States had to invade Canada to get rid of the last of them.

  At the time, America wasn’t really set up for a war. The national army only had about twelve thousand soldiers, and was not well organized. But in July of 1812, a band of them invaded Canada, aiming to take it over. They got their butts kicked. There is nothing more embarrassing than losing a fight to Canada.22

  And so the war began, but neither side really seemed that enthusiastic about it. England was too busy fighting against the French, as usual, to put much effort into a war with America, and America just didn’t seem up to the challenge. Americans were also worried about the pirates of Barbary again, since they weren’t following the terms of the treaty at all (something that the states probably should have guessed would happen when they made a deal with pirates). The United States only had a handful of major victories in the war: a few in naval battles that didn’t really help much in the long run, and one big one at the Battle of New Orleans in 1814, which took place two weeks after the treaty ending the war had been signed. Oops!

  Today, there are exactly four reasons anybody ever talks about the War of 1812:

  1. It’s fun to make fun of the Battle of New Orleans.

  2. During the war, shipments into Troy, New York, were labeled “U.S.,” which people jokingly claimed meant that they were for Uncle Sam, after Samuel Wilson, an army inspector. The image of Uncle Sam caught on, and to this day you see a lot of people dressed up in a striped hat, blue jacket, and silly-looking beard making fools of themselves on the Fourth of July and in used-car commercials.23

  3. The burning of the White House, which happened when the British managed to take over Washington for about a day in 1814. They burned most of the public buildings, but a hurricane forced them to leave the city before they even had time to paint mustaches on all of the portraits in the Capitol.

  4. “The Star-Spangled Banner,” America’s more-or-less unsingable national anthem, was written during the war. The author, Francis Scott Key, was observing the British naval bombardment of Fort McHenry and managed to see that the American flag was still waving only because of the light from the rockets and bombs exploding near it. The next day, he wrote a poem about this on the back of a letter he had been carrying in his pocket. Key’s brother-in-law noticed that you could sing the poem, with some difficulty, to the tune of a popular drinking song of the day called “To Anacreon in Heaven” and had some copies printed up with singing instructions. The song caught on, and years later, in 1931, President Herbert Hoover declared it the national anthem, choosing it over such popular songs of 1931 as “Smile, Darn Ya, Smile,” “When Yuba Plays the Rhumba on the Tuba,” and “Monkey Blues.” We here at the Smart Aleck’s Guide would really prefer to start our ball games with a rousing chorus of “Monkey Blues,” but you can’t have everything.

  This painting of Commodore Oliver Hazard Perry’s victory over the British fleet in the War of 1812 shows that Washington’s revolution against boat safety rules had been entirely successful.

  Uncle Sam: “Pull my finger!”

  William Hull, the general who invaded Canada. Only a presidential pardon saved him from being shot as a sentence for cowardice. He does sort of look like a wuss.

  America didn’t exactly lose the War of 1812, but nobody really won it. In December of 1814, a treaty was signed that ended the war without actually resolving any of the issues that started it. Both sides were just sick of the whole thing. This is actually how most wars, labor disputes, and marriages have been settled throughout history.

  News of the treaty didn’t reach New Orleans right away, though. Two weeks after the end of the war, the British attacked New Orleans. Even though they were hopelessly out-numbered, Americans decisively won the battle. Hundreds of British troops were killed or wounded, but America lost only a few dozen soldiers. Since the war was already over, it didn’t really count for anything, but General Andrew Jackson, who commanded the army, became a national hero.

  THE END OF AN ERA

  Years after Jefferson left office, Jefferson and Adams made up and began a long series of
letters in which they reflected on all they’d accomplished. The letters were carefully preserved, as both men knew that future American historians would see a final conversation between two men who had started the country as priceless. Historians agree that this was rather arrogant, but they’re still glad to have the letters.

  John Adams died on July 4, 1826, fifty years after July 4, 1776, which, by then, was known as Independence Day. History records his last words as “Thomas Jefferson survives,” but, in reality, the last word was so slurred as to be impossible to understand. His actual last words were “Thomas Jefferson sssrmhrfffs.” Given how wrinkled he must have been by then, we daresay that the whole scene was probably a lot like that scene where Yoda dies saying “There is … . another … . Sky … . walk … . er” in Return of the Jedi. Those who were present decided that he was going for “survives,” but for all we know, he might have been saying “Thomas Jefferson smells” or even “Thomas Jefferson still owes me five bucks.”

  And what Adams didn’t know, of course, was that Thomas Jefferson didn’t survive—he had died that same day, just a couple of hours earlier!

  And what neither of them knew, or probably cared about, was that one other signer of the Declaration was also still alive. Lonely old Charles Carroll was alive and well at his house in Maryland, separated from his wife, and, judging by his picture, so, so alone. He wouldn’t die for another six long, lonely years.

  John Adams as he appeared when he got really old.

  Lonely ol’ Chuck Carroll

  The Battle of New Orleans. How would you like to have been one of the two thousand British soldiers who were killed or wounded by guys who looked like pirates because no one told them the war was over?

  PRESIDENT JACKSON

  Andrew Jackson first ran for president in 1824. He won more electoral votes than anyone else but didn’t actually get more than half. Today, he would have been given the presidency, no questions asked.24 But in those days, when no one got more than 50 percent of the votes, the House of Representatives got to pick the president. They picked John Quincy Adams, the son of John Adams.

  The public, however, felt that Jackson had been robbed, and he started campaigning for the 1828 election before Adams was even inaugurated.

  The three-year campaign was the bitterest presidential campaign yet. During the election, Adams’s supporters claimed that Jackson’s mother was a prostitute, that his wife had multiple husbands, and that he had hanged several soldiers under his command (the last part, at least, was true). Jackson’s supporters, meanwhile, claimed that Adams had hired a prostitute to entertain the visiting Russian czar. People apparently thought hanging soldiers was much more acceptable than hiring prostitutes for visitors, because Jackson won in a landslide.

  Two photographs of Andrew Jackson from the mid-1840s, by which time he was old and in pretty bad shape. He doesn’t look so tough to us, but we’re betting that anyone who called him four-eyes or pumpkin face still got hurt.

  EXPERIMENTS TO TRY AT HOME!

  John Quincy Adams liked corn. Can a full ear of corn be flushed down the Quincy (toilet)? How about two ears? How many ears’ worth can be flushed if you remove the kernels from the cob first? Our record is four (with cob), and our plumbing bill is $357. See if you can get yours higher! But, as with all of these experiments, don’t blame us if you get in trouble.

  Jackson considered himself a man of the people, and even invited the public to come have a meal at the White House now and then. He had the overwhelming approval of the rough-and-tumble frontiersmen, who saw Jackson as one of their fellow rednecks. After his inauguration, he invited his supporters into the White House for cake and ice cream, and the rowdy crowd trashed the place, turning chairs over, throwing food, and leaving mud everywhere. Even in the White House, American manners were nothing to brag about. No one and nothing was safe from flying poo.

  Andrew Jackson poses to get his face on money.

  John Q. Adams: “Hurry up and take the stinkin’ picture, cheese bag!” President John Quincy Adams was the first to install a toilet in the White House, which led to an all-too-brief craze for calling toilets Quincies. This 1848 photo was taken years after he left office, but makes him the earliest president to be photographed.

  Jackson was, in fact, just as rowdy as advertised. He was a big fan of dueling, fighting, and probably spitting. In 1835, he became the first president to survive an attempted assassination. Richard Lawrence, a mentally ill fellow who believed Jackson was keeping him from being king of England, among other things, walked right up to Jackson and attempted to fire two pistols at him. In what most people called a miracle, both pistols misfired, and Lawrence could only stand by, looking stupid, as Jackson’s companions, including David “Davy” Crockett (who actually hated Jackson’s guts but never turned down the chance to fight someone), grabbed him and held him down. Jackson reportedly turned around, picked up his cane, and proceeded to beat the crap out of Lawrence himself until his staff restrained him.

  Today, Jackson is often considered one of our better presidents, but he’s also remembered for being a serious jerk. All the rumors about his being a violent sort were true, and, as his supporters had expected, he gave many important jobs to people who weren’t remotely qualified but happened to be his friends. This was nothing new, of course, but Jackson was a lot more open about it than most people had been. The unqualified friends Jackson relied on for advice became known as Jackson’s Kitchen Cabinet, because, according to a popular joke, they had snuck into the White House through the kitchen door. In reality, Jackson would have happily let them in through the front door. As we’ve seen, he didn’t even require hillbillies to scrape the crap off their shoes before coming in.

  But the biggest smear on Jackson’s record is his treatment of the Native Americans. He had been known as a particularly vicious Indian killer in his days as a general; his ruthlessness was legendary. Even when he wasn’t fighting with them, he was known for kicking the natives off their land, then buying it himself at a bargain price.

  As president, he took this practice a step further. By this time, most of the major tribes were living fairly peacefully, and Indian wars seemed like a thing of the past. Unfortunately for the tribes, they were living on valuable land, and Jackson apparently thought they had a lot of nerve to be living in spaces where white people could be growing cotton (with a little help from black slaves).

  He called for five tribes to be removed from their land, and his supporters cheered his kind decision to simply kick them out of town instead of killing them. They delicately called the decision “removal.” The Native Americans called it the Trail of Tears. In 1938, about fifteen thousand Cherokee Indians were removed from their land and forced to move to Indian Territory (which is now Oklahoma), and more than four thousand died on the way. Overall, about a hundred thousand Native Americans were forced to leave their land, and fifteen thousand died on the way west. Jackson never actually told anyone to remove the natives by force (he preferred forcing them to sign treaties), but he didn’t seem to mind very much when some people removed them by force anyway.

  A coffin handbill, a sheet passed around by John Quincy Adams’s supporters to make Jackson look like a murderous maniac. They didn’t realize that many people wouldn’t see this bloodlust as such a bad thing. See a bigger version on our Web page, www.smartalecksguide.com!

  DAVY CROCKETT

  Born on a mountaintop in Tennessee, David Crockett actually claimed to have “kilt him a b’ar when he was only three.” However, this claim was in an “autobiography” that he didn’t write and that was almost certainly mostly nonsense.

  After years as a trapper, soldier, and general roustabout, Crockett was elected to the House of Representatives in 1831. The Whig Party promptly began to promote him as their version of Andrew Jackson: a rough-and-ready guy who was just dumb enough to seem like a man of the people. There are a lot of differing stories about just how smart or dumb Crockett really was. Some say he was
known as a quick wit and great speaker; others say that when he bragged about killing hundreds of bears, no one believed him. They believed he could kill bears, all right, but not that he could count up to the hundreds. To this day, no one seems to be sure whether Davy was a smart guy who pretended to be stupid because it was good for his image or was really just stupid. We here at the Smart Aleck’s Guide lean toward “really just stupid.”

  The Whig Party hired a ghostwriter to write Crockett’s autobiography, hoping to make him famous enough to run for president in 1836. Though the book did make Crockett famous, he failed to win reelection to Congress. According to his real autobiography, which he wrote (or at least approved) after the fake one came out, he finished his last speech before leaving Washington by saying, “You may all go to Hell, and I will go to Texas.”25 And that’s what he did. In Texas, he and several others were offered a whopping 4,600 acres of land to help free Texas from Mexico, and, in short time, was killed at the Alamo. But legends about his life were so widespread that, more than one hundred years after his death, TV movies about him inspired millions of otherwise rational kids to go around wearing coonskin caps.

  Even back then, Americans were divided about this. The Indian Removal Act was rather popular with voters in the South but despised by voters in the North. The deepening tension between the North and South would soon reach the point of no return.