The Smart Aleck's Guide to American History

by Adam Selzer

  The Union initially refused to let black soldiers join the army. Even when they did, black soldiers were paid less than white soldiers.

  Though slavery was widely hated in the North, Northerners weren’t much less racist than Southerners on the whole. Slavery was actually still legal in some states fighting for the Union (the Emancipation Proclamation only covered slaves in Confederate states, not slaves living in the Union at the time—they would have to wait for the Thirteenth Amendment to free them).

  SOME OF THE STUFF WE MISSED

  Ambrose Burnside: A Union major general notable for having facial hair that made it look like he had a fuzzy Frisbee stuck in his face (see above).

  Clara Barton: A nurse who founded the American Red Cross.

  James Longstreet: A Confederate general who became a big supporter of Grant and a critic of the Confederacy after the war. Some say that his actions at Gettysburg cost the South the battle.

  Joseph Hooker: Another Union general, best known for losing to Lee at Chancellorsville.

  Acoustic shadows: A scientific phenomenon that causes sound waves to act all weird. At Gettysburg, for instance, people ten miles away couldn’t hear the battle, but people 150 miles away in Pittsburgh were said to have heard it clearly. Cool, huh?

  The rebel yell: A Confederate battle cry. Since they didn’t have as many soldiers or supplies as the Union, the Confederate soldiers yelled to scare their foes, which probably worked but wasn’t that wise when they were trying to be sneaky. Oddly, no one knows exactly what it sounded like today (besides the fact that it sounded like a yell). There’s a video going around (see our Web page, www.smartalecksguide.com), but its accuracy is in dispute (naturally).

  Carpetbaggers: Northerners who went south to take advantage of Southerners during Reconstruction, when the poor economy and political upheaval left them rather vulnerable.

  Bounty jumping: The practice of joining the army, taking the bounty (money offered to men who enlisted), then running away and joining another army. One guy pulled this off thirty-two times!

  John J. Williams: Said to be the last man to be killed in the war, a month after Lee surrendered.

  Hiram Revels: The first black senator. He took over Jefferson Davis’s old seat, having been elected by the state legislature (which is how people became senators in those days—they wouldn’t be elected by the voters until well into the twentieth century).

  William Seward: Lincoln’s secretary of state. He was stabbed—nearly fatally—the night Lincoln was shot by one of Booth’s coconspirators.

  END-OF-CHAPTER QUESTIONS

  MULTIPLE CHOICE

  1. What was the Civil War all about?

  Slavery.

  States’ rights.

  Money.

  Your face.

  2. Which Civil War guy had the best nickname?

  Guzzlin’ Grant.

  Stonewall Jackson.

  Honest Abe.

  “Jeff” Davis.

  3. Which Civil War historical site has the best gift shop?

  Gettysburg.

  Appomattox.

  The Cyclorama (a thing in Atlanta that is connected to the Civil War somehow, we think).

  Fort Sumter.

  4. What does it mean when someone waves a “rebel” flag today?

  “I am a proud Southerner.”

  “I am a racist.”

  “I’m not a racist, I just don’t care if you think I am.”

  “I don’t understand the difference between the flag of the Confederacy and the battle flag.”

  “Lynyrd Skynyrd rules!”

  Something about NASCAR.

  The Confederate battle flag, which is now waved around by Confederate supporters even though it was never the official flag of the Confederacy. It was also known as the second Confederate Navy Jack.

  ANSWERS: AW, SHUCKS, WE DON’T KNOW. WHAT ARE YOU ASKING US FOR? DON’T YOU HAVE ANY TEACHERS AT YOUR SCHOOL?

  The actual flag of the Confederate States of America—or one of the flags, anyway. This design lasted two years before being replaced by one that was plain white except for a Stars and Bars in the top left corner.

  DISCUSSION

  1. In 1982, the Florida Keys got upset about a government road block, seceded from the Union to become the Conch Republic, and immediately declared war on the United States. About a minute later, they surrendered and requested a billion dollars in financial aid. They didn’t get the money, but the roadblock was taken down, and now the Conch Republic runs some pretty sweet gift shops all over the Keys that might, in fact, have generated a billion dollars in tourist cash by now.

  Keeping this in mind, think of another way the Southern states might have reacted to Lincoln’s election and explain why it would have been better than what they really did.

  2. What are some good ways to defend yourself against Civil War reenactors who disagree with your interpretation of the war? Keep in mind: some of these guys never wash their uniforms so they can get that authentic odor. If you come up with a good answer to this, send it in. Fast. Please. And keep in mind that we’ve tried restraining orders and holographic ghosts of Abe Lincoln.

  EXTRA CREDIT!

  Here’s a political cartoon (right) from the end of the war, when some people still thought that the leaders of the Confederacy were probably going to be hanged. Can you find …

  John Wilkes Booth actin’ all sneaky-like?

  At least one instance where the artist seems to think an urban myth about Davis was true?

  An angel with a giant shoehorn?

  Two “mourners” who are going to survive their hanging? (Hint: at least two of those nooses are never going to work.)

  Abe Lincoln apparently being elected to his first term as God?

  A guy in polka-dot pants?

  What appears to be a naked stick-figure woman running out of prison in a panic?

  Both faces on the evilest tree this side of Oz?

  A demon who looks like the Creature from the Black Lagoon?

  Palm trees a long way from their natural environment (we’re assuming that this is in Virginia, since Libby Prison is in the background)?

  At least three guys we never even mentioned?

  29 Come on. You didn’t really think you were getting through a whole YA nonfiction book without something about “your changing body,” did you?

  30 This was Joseph E. Johnston, a newer general, not a zombie version of General Albert Sydney Johnston, who died at Shiloh—though that would have been pretty cool.

  31 Okay, this wasn’t really one of the terms, but it might as well have been. As we’ve mentioned, we can’t wait to see what kind of letters we’ll be getting about this chapter (see The Smart Aleck’s Guide to Getting More Mail). If you wish to write to us to explain the Great Lost Southern Cause of States’ Rights or what have you, please just buy a copy of The Smart Aleck’s Guide to Shutting Your Pie Hole and save us all the trouble.

  32 Actually, he probably broke it later on during the escape but said that he broke it in the jump to make it seem more dramatic. You’d think the guy had read The Smart Aleck’s Guide to Lying!

  “What is the chief end of man? —to get rich. In what way? —dishonestly if we can; honestly if we must.”

  —Mark Twain

  INTRODUCTION

  Following the crappy, crappy years of the Civil War, America burst forth into the Gilded Age. It was an age when everything seemed shiny and beautiful and full of promise for a great future—as long as you were rich and appropriately corrupt. Otherwise, your life probably sucked as much as ever. More, if anything, except that you’d be a lot less likely to spend all day marching.

  America very rapidly became an industrial empire, and one of the major powers in the world. New factories, mills, and oil fields were changing the face of the country. Lots of inventions, like lightbulbs, movies, and telephones, were starting to appear. But, behind the scenes, the labor involved in building many of these things was deadly, and the pay wa
s crap. Thousands of workers died—many of them immigrants, women, blacks, or others who had no real voice or power in the country.

  The rich got richer in this era. Lots, lots richer. But the life of the poor, which had never been a picnic,33 got harder and harder. The West was being “tamed” (meaning that it wasn’t really the “wild” west anymore), but an awful lot of Native Americans got killed in the process.

  Even during the colonial days, the only people in America who ever wore beards were pioneers and hillbillies. But quite suddenly, facial hair came into fashion around 1850. Abe Lincoln became the first president to sport a beard after an eleven-year-old girl wrote him a letter encouraging him to do so (he probably decided to grow it on his own but used the letter as an excuse). Andrew Johnson was beardless, but after that, there wouldn’t be a clean-shaven president for years. For nearly half a century, men needed whiskers to be taken seriously. Men with facial hair could still plausibly stand for office throughout the first half of the twentieth century, until, around the 1950s, it was suddenly only acceptable for beatniks and hippies to wear beards. Above, Walt Whitman, one of America’s greatest poets, shows off the Santa Claus look chicks really go for.

  General Custer: Lip-readers feared his name. Indians, not so much.

  If presidents such as Garfield, Arthur, McKinley, Harrison, and Cleveland sound obscure, it’s because they are. Everyone knew who was really in charge of the country in these days: it wasn’t the president, it was a handful of rich jerks. Many of these rich jerks were about as corrupt as a person can possibly be, and they knew full well that they could do anything they wanted—and step on anyone they wanted—without fear of getting in trouble. The laissez-faire (“let ’em do whatever the heck they want”) attitude that governments in America and England took toward big business in this era led to an age of great advancement and a bright future for many, at the expense of great misery for others.

  CUSTER’S LAST STAND

  It was during this era that the great American frontier began to vanish as the “Wild West” was “won.”

  Lacking a war to keep it occupied, the army busied itself with killing every Native American it could find. About three hundred thousand Native Americans were left in the West at this point, having been kicked all over the country for years, and the U.S. government spent twenty-five years in a war against them. Tribes were sent to one reservation or another, under the authority of the Bureau of Indian Affairs (which, of course, was pretty openly corrupt). “Reservations,” for the record, was usually a polite way of saying “death camps.” Reservations were poorly supplied, on poor land, with little access to luxuries like medical care. But if someone found gold or some valuable use for the land the reservation was on, the tribes were ordered to go someplace else. Sometimes they hadn’t been moved in the first place so much as slaughtered.

  George Armstrong Custer had become a general at the age of twenty-three during the Civil War. When the war was over, he embarked on a career of tromping around the country hassling Native Americans and, most likely, waiting to turn thirty-five so he could run for president.34 Having found out that there was gold in the Black Hills of South Dakota, the government ordered the Cheyenne and Sioux tribes who were living there to get lost. Instead, they decided to fight back. When Custer and his men attacked, they were outnumbered by something like ten to one. Only one soldier survived the battle, and it wasn’t Custer or even a person. It was a horse.

  This battle, known as the Battle of Little Big Horn, was the last victory the Native Americans would have over the army. Americans were furious when they heard about this—after all, the newspapers made it look like Custer and his heroic, innocent men had been savagely wiped out by the horrible Indians. Everywhere, cries were heard to kill every Indian left, and about half of the U.S. Army was sent to do exactly that. All over, Natives were either killed or pushed onto reservations.

  No one knows how many Native Americans were in the country before the Europeans arrived—some estimates say it was about four million; other estimates go as high as eighteen million. In 1910, there were about a quarter of a million left. There’s really nothing funny we can say about this. But we can make fun of cowboys, so proceed to the next section.

  Nineteenth-century novels and plays depicted cowboys as clean, which they weren’t. They also depicted Indians as eager to be strangled, which, obviously, they weren’t.

  COWBOYS

  Around the same time that people were thinking of Native Americans as dangerous, blood-thirsty maniacs, they were also starting to romanticize cowboys. Of all the smelly people in American history (and if we’ve taught you anything, it’s probably that there were plenty of those), the real cowboys may have been just about the smelliest. The cowboys shown in books of the day (and in movies and TV shows of the twentieth century) had very little in common with the real ones.

  During the late nineteenth century, cowboys played a major role in what was starting to be called the Wild West. Most of the stories told about the Wild West—the shoot-outs at high noon, the outlaws, and the battles between cowboys and Indians—were entirely untrue.

  In fact, there weren’t all that many cowboys to begin with. Even in their heyday, cowboys were outnumbered by farmers about a thousand to one. Cowboys’ lives consisted mainly of driving cattle across the prairie, and their idea of a good time was probably stopping off in a small town for a night of drinking. They probably did smell terrible, and were hugely unpopular before they started to become a part of the new mythology America was creating for itself.

  Shoot-outs between cowboys and outlaws were actually uncommon. In fact, there’s no evidence that there was ever a single shoot-out on a main street at high noon anywhere in the West. Dodge City became famous for its shoot-outs, but in its worst year, there were only five shootings. And that thing in movies where the person who draws his gun and fires first shoots the other guy and wins? That’s just nonsense. In reality, according to Wyatt Earp, a Wild West bigshot who ended up living in Hollywood and hanging out with several early cowboy-movie stars, the person who survived a shoot-out was invariably the one who took the time to aim.

  Ranchers identified cows by their brands, the symbols burned onto them. Unbranded cattle were called mavericks, after Samuel Maverick, a rancher who refused to brand his cows. No one is sure why he rejected the practice; some say he planned to claim all unbranded cattle as his own. If that was his idea, he failed, but you can’t blame a guy for trying, and besides, the cows probably appreciated his stance.

  But towns like Tombstone, Dodge City, and Deadwood became famous for the dramatic shoot-outs for one major reason: to attract more settlers and tourists, the locals went along with the stories written about them in dime novels. To this day, these towns all have booming gift shops.

  And people ate the stories up. Robbers and murderers like Jesse James and Billy the Kid came to be viewed as Robin Hood—type characters. Guys like Buffalo Bill Cody, who ran a popular “Wild West show,” even ended up writing books about themselves—and Cody’s wife cheerfully admitted that most of his stories were complete hooey. Cody stuck to his story that he had been wounded 137 times in fights with Indians, but after his death, his wife said that at least 136 of those wounds were made up.

  The Farman flying machine, 1909. Look at how excited these guys are! How can it even be possible that air travel would be so, so boring only a century later?

  It’s easy to imagine why these stories might seem so attractive. America was a new country, with relatively few heroes or myths of its own. It had been settled (by white people, anyway) for only about 250 years, and, as we’ve seen from the first chapters of this book, most of the first 150 were so dull that history books just skip right over them. The best story about the Pilgrims involved them heroically eating a meal. And people were still sharply divided on which figures from the previous hundred years—including the Civil War and the dull years before it—were heroes and which were villains. These mythical cowboys had
no real political leanings: they simply fought for courage, honor, and rugged individualism, three qualities that most Americans could agree were good. And sitting at home, reading a dime novel about shoot-outs between cowboys and outlaws, you couldn’t tell what the prairie smelled like. But it’s easy enough to imagine if you think about it—cattle ranches would have been filled with, well, a whole bunch of bull.

  THE AGE OF INVENTION

  With the Gold Rush over, and most of the free land grabs taken, countless Americans hit on a new way to get rich: inventing things. New inventions were appearing all the time in the late nineteenth century, and several of them were things we could hardly live without nowadays.

  An inventor with a doohickey.

  Countless people invested every cent they had trying to get inventions off the ground—and even many of the successful inventors ended up in poverty. Charles Goodyear became absolutely obsessed with making a new kind of rubber that wouldn’t melt or stink the way most rubber did, and the fact that he didn’t know the first thing about chemistry didn’t hold him back one bit. He sold everything he owned and borrowed money from everyone he knew to buy more rubber for experiments, nearly died of the fumes more than once, and even ended up in jail once before finally coming up with the new kind of rubber that neither melted nor stank. Unfortunately for him (but fortunately for rubber fans everywhere), his formula was easy to copy, and he died poor and disappointed. The Goodyear company that makes tires and stuff was named after him, but he never got any money from it.