The Smart Aleck's Guide to American History

by Adam Selzer

  Even as the Allies advanced ever closer to Germany and the defeat of the Nazis began to seem inevitable, few people had any idea just how bad Hitler really was. They knew he was a jerk who wanted to take over the world, but the horrors of his Final Solution had not yet been revealed.

  Hitler had effectively brainwashed an entire nation. He had brought hope to the downtrodden Germans but had done so by giving them an enemy to blame all their problems on: the Jews. Jews had never been the most popular group in Europe; they’d been getting kicked out of one country after another for centuries. All through the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries, there were occasional violent anti-Jewish riots and pogroms in which the Jews were forced to leave town (if they could even make it out alive, and the people kicking them out certainly tried to stop them from pulling that off). Countless thousands of Jews had already been kicked out of Russia during the twentieth century by the time World War II began.

  Some have disputed whether “Nuts” was actually McAuliffe’s response. About ten years later, when asked what his actual response to the request to surrender was, McAuliffe (above) apparently said he hadn’t said “Nuts” at all. He claimed that he’d actually said an unpleasant synonym for poo that we can’t print here if we want any schools to buy this book. Officers who were present, though, insist that he really did say “Nuts.”

  In Germany, many people were convinced that all of their economic problems existed not because there had just been a devasting war, but because there was some sort of massive Jewish conspiracy to control the world’s banks.54 Hitler had always been quite open about driving Jews out of Germany’s political and cultural scene. When he took power, he slowly began to strip away Jews’ rights. In 1933, they were barred from active involvement in politics and from practicing law and owning farms. They were kicked out of their jobs at newspapers, and the number of Jews allowed at universities became strictly limited.

  In 1935, Hitler passed the Nuremberg Laws, which stripped Jews of their citizenship altogether. By 1939, Jews in any territory the Nazis were in charge of were being forced to live in ghettos and work for the German war effort. Many of these ghettos were set up near railroad tracks, partly because it would make people easier to transport when the time came. It was generally understood among Hitler’s associates that there would eventually be a “Final Solution to the Jewish Problem”: killing every last one of them.

  As early as 1933, the Nazis began sending Jews to concentration camps, where they were tortured and forced into slave labor. Medical experiments were performed on some of them. Many were simply worked to death. Countless thousands were sent to gas chambers to be killed—thousands per day, in some camps.

  In the end, around six million Jews were killed. Reports of what was going on in these camps had leaked out, but few people in the Allied countries believed them. Even in Germany, where the rights of Jews had been stripped away so slowly that many barely even seemed to notice it was happening, many people had no idea what horrors were going on in the camps, even though some of them were right near the cities. News about the gas chambers was broadcast in 1943, but most people assumed it was just war propaganda on the grounds that it seemed too terrible to be true. Even now, some people still insist that the whole thing couldn’t really have happened, despite overwhelming evidence that it did.

  USING HITLER TO WIN AN ARGUMENT

  Ever since the beginning of World War II, people have tried to score points on political opponents by comparing them to Hitler or the Nazis. Some people say that the first person to do this in any argument loses automatically; this is sometimes called Godwin’s Law, though that law actually states, “As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one.” We think both versions are true.

  Another form of using Hitler to win an argument is something called reductio ad Hitlerum, which is the practice of saying “Hitler liked X, so anyone who likes X must be like Hitler.” For instance, “Hitler outlawed guns, so everyone who wants guns banned is a Nazi,” or “Hitler was a vegetarian, so being a vegetarian must be evil.” It’s a classic debate trick for people who aren’t very smart.

  Of course, it wasn’t just the Jews that the Nazis were out to get. The Nazis were very much of the opinion that only “pure” Germans should be allowed any power in Germany, and that anyone who wasn’t part of the “master race” was just getting in the way. In addition to Jews, they sent Poles, Roma (Gypsies), Slavs, and Soviet prisoners of war to extermination camps, as well as disabled, mentally ill, and homosexual people, and any others whom the Nazis deemed “inferior.” In all, somewhere between nine and eleven million people were murdered.

  It wasn’t until the mortified Allies discovered the camps that many people truly realized just how bad things had been—and how big a mistake it had been for the United States not to get involved in the war sooner. Unfortunately, by the time the camps were liberated, it was practically too late. The Nazis had set out to murder every Jew in eastern Europe, and they were pretty much finished by the time the camps were liberated.

  VICTORY IN EUROPE

  In April of 1945, in what you could probably call a foreshadowing of the fact that the war was just about over, some of the major players in the whole affair died.

  First, on April 12, President Roosevelt died of a brain hemorrhage at his retreat in Warm Springs, Georgia, which he had often used as a quiet, out-of-the-way place to fool around with Lucy Mercer. Vice President Harry Truman was sworn in as president.

  The official U.S. Army newspaper announcing the death of Hitler. Putting this in the book was considered a bit more tasteful than using the alleged pictures of his dead body (there are a couple of photos going around in which he sort of looks like a crash-test dummy with a mustache), though we wonder whether the words “tasteful” and “Hitler” have any business going together.

  Meanwhile, in Germany, Hitler had retreated to a bunker (kind of like his own, less pleasant version of Warm Springs) where he continued to command his army, which was clearly falling apart. He had not made a public speech since fall of 1943. In April of 1945, as the Russian army invaded Berlin, he had something of a nervous breakdown and admitted to the people in the bunker with him that Germany was going to lose the war. He then announced his intention to commit suicide.

  People reading more reputable history books might get to see the famous shot of the flag-raising at Iwo Jima. You, however, get stuck with this one.

  But first, he felt it would be wise to marry his longtime girlfriend, Eva Braun, who had been living at the bunker with him. They were married on April 29, 1945, in a small ceremony in the bunker. About forty hours later, with Soviet forces less than a quarter of a mile away, Hitler, Eva, and a couple of other bunker denizens had a light lunch, during which Hitler said his good-byes to everyone who had been holed up with him. He and Eva then went to his private study, where they drank some poison. Eva died from the poison, but Hitler survived long enough to shoot himself in the head.

  German officers then dragged out the bodies, doused them with gas, and set them on fire. What remained of the bodies would be dug up and reburied several times over the years before finally being dumped into a river in 1970.

  Of course, many people don’t believe this story. Lots of people believe that Hitler actually faked his death and escaped, living the rest of his life in exile. Even Stalin insisted that Hitler was still alive. In the 1950s, rumors went around that he had escaped to the South Pole, of all places. Other people say he went to South America and became (get this) a priest.

  Whether or not Hitler was dead, though, the Nazi regime was. About a week later, the Germans formally surrendered to General Eisenhower in France and to the Russians in Berlin. The war in Europe—and one of the grisliest episodes in human history—was over.

  BUT DON’T FORGET JAPAN!

  Around this time, things were starting to turn around for the Allies in the Pacific as well.

 
In March of 1945 came the Battle of Iwo Jima, a battle for an eight-square-mile volcanic island that served as Japan’s last line of radar defense. If they lost control of Iwo Jima, the Japanese would have no warning of American air attacks on the main islands of Japan.

  The battle lasted more than a month, and the casualty rate was astronomical: the U.S. Marines suffered around a 50 percent casualty rate, the highest they’d ever suffered. About 6,800 were killed, and 28,000 were wounded. The Japanese fared even worse: approximately 21,000 Japanese troops fought in the battle, and around 20,000 were killed.

  After the U.S. forces took control of Iwo Jima, they invaded Okinawa on Japan’s main island on April 1. While the invasion was successful, it would be the bloodiest battle America fought in the Pacific, with some 80,000 casualties. By the time Okinawa finally fell, about 200,000 Japanese soldiers and civilians had been killed, along with more than 12,000 Americans.

  A couple of weeks later, General MacArthur finally finished recapturing the Philippines. Having the Philippines, Okinawa and Iwo Jima under control, the United States was finally set up to launch a major ground invasion of Japan.

  HIROSHIMA

  You would not have wanted to be Harry Truman in the summer of 1945. The war in Europe was over, but the invasion of Japan was still to come—and it wasn’t going to be pretty. Truman’s advisors told him that invading Japan would lead to as many as a million American casualties, and General MacArthur insisted that the Japanese would turn it into a guerilla war that would go on for at least ten years. Even though MacArthur was known to refer to the Japanese as “purple-pissing Japs,” people were expected to listen to him.

  A photo of what was left of Hiroshima, autographed by the guy who flew the plane that dropped the bomb, the Enola Gay. Captain Robert Lewis, copilot of the mission, wrote, “My God, what have we done?” in his journal the night after the bombing. On the other hand, Colonel Paul Tibbets, the pilot who signed the photo, later said, “Hell yeah, I’d do it again!” and even reenacted the bombing at air shows.

  General MacArthur with Emperor Hirohito of Japan. We’re guessing MacArthur is using every last bit of willpower he has to keep from challenging Hirohito to a wrestling match.

  Of course, the option was to employ a new weapon: the atomic bomb, a new bomb that was about as powerful as fifteen thousand tons of TNT and could wipe out an entire city. Development of the atomic bomb had been so secret that Truman hadn’t even known about it when he was vice president. And no one knew exactly how destructive the thing was going to be; they knew it could destroy a city but didn’t have any idea what else it might do. They had no way of knowing without actually using it.

  It was a tough choice. People still argue today about whether Truman made the right decision when he decided to drop a bomb that was able to kill close to eighty thousand people instantly and wound another hundred thousand, not to mention leveling almost every building in the city of Hiroshima in the process. Some say that far more people would have been killed over the course of a long war following a ground invasion. Others say that MacArthur’s claim that the Japanese would never surrender was just MacArthur being dramatic, as was his habit, and that, since the Russians had just joined the fight against Japan, Japan was probably getting ready to surrender anyway. Some also suggest that dropping the bomb wasn’t so much to scare the Japanese into surrendering as to show the Russians, who were already making Americans nervous, exactly what we were capable of if they ever started a war with us.

  But whatever his reasons, Truman decided to drop the first atomic bomb on Hiroshima on August 6, 1945, annihilating the city. Three days later, another atomic bomb was dropped on Nagasaki. A few weeks later, the Japanese forces formally surrendered to General MacArthur, officially ending the war.

  SOME OF THE STUFF WE MISSED

  Anderson shelters: Cheap shelters installed in backyards in England (where they call backyards gardens). They didn’t look like much, but they were surprisingly effective. The one above was eventually dug up and used as a shed.

  Midway atoll: Small islands about a third of the way between Hawaii and Tokyo. Japan’s defeat at the Battle of Midway in 1942 was the beginning of the end of their dominance in the Pacific.

  Navajo code talkers: The Navajo language was the only code the Japanese were never able to break. Only about thirty non-Navajo people in the world spoke the language, and none of them was Japanese.

  Nuremberg trials: Trials in Nuremberg, Germany, of many, many Nazi war criminals by the International Military Tribunal after the war.

  The Great Purge: Stalin’s prewar attempts to kill anyone he didn’t like. We barely go into what a colossal jerk Stalin was in this book, but take our word for it—this guy was a jerk. Even Lenin, the guy who had been in charge of Russia before, thought so. Some say the only reason the Holocaust didn’t happen in Russia was that the Jews had already been kicked out.

  The Battle of Guadalcanal: A battle for one of the Solomon Islands that lasted six months. A turning point for the Allies.

  The July 20 Plot: A plot hatched by several German military big shots to kill Hitler on July 20, 1944. The Nazis arrested about five thousand people for suspected involvement, and two hundred were executed.

  Friedrich Fromm: A German commander who knew about the July 20 Plot but kept quiet until after it failed, at which point he started making arrests. He was later tried and sentenced to death by hanging. Hitler himself generously commuted the sentence—to death by firing squad.

  Ludwig Beck: The guy who was probably going to become president of Germany if the July 20 Plot succeeded.

  General George Patton: Another U.S. general serving on the European front.

  The Marshall Plan: America’s plan to rebuild Europe after the war, named for Secretary of State George C. Marshall.

  END-OF-CHAPTER QUESTIONS

  MULTIPLE CHOICE

  1. What was the point of bombing Nagasaki?

  No one knows for sure—there were no orders not to, so the pilots went ahead with it.

  Symmetry.

  Just to drive the point home.

  Gotta nuke somethin’.

  (ANSWER: PROBABLY A.)

  2. What was Roosevelt’s biggest mistake?

  Not integrating the army.

  The internment of the Japanese.

  Not acting on Pearl Harbor information.

  Dropping Welles as a running mate in favor of the more conservative Truman.

  Running in 1944 despite the fact that he was two-thirds dead.

  (ANSWER: YOU DECIDE.)

  3. Which animal did Winston Churchill look most like?

  A three-toed sloth.

  A toad.

  A turtle.

  None; show some respect! The guy was a hero!

  (ANSWER: B AND D.)

  4. Why did the Allies cross the English Channel at Normandy?

  Everyone prefers a lesser-known beach to the more crowded ones.

  Because just walking up to Hitler’s bunker, leaving a burning bag of poo on the ground, ringing the bell, and running wouldn’t have solved much.

  Don’t ask me. Bob Hope might know. Write to his estate.

  To get to the other side!

  (ANSWER: A, REALLY. IT WASN’T AS WELL KNOWN OR AS WELL GUARDED AS OTHER FRENCH BEACHES.)

  ESSAY

  What do you think would have happened to Hitler if he hadn’t committed suicide? Trial by jury? Shot by Russian soldiers? New job as a used-car salesman?

  Who was a bigger jerk, Hitler or Stalin?

  VOCABULARY WORDS!

  Write ’em down and make yourself some flash cards.

  BABY’S HEAD: Meat pudding that was part of soldiers’ food in England. Probably a step above firecake (or, say, gruel), but no match for a cool, crispy pickle.

  BASE RAT: A soldier who didn’t do much actual fighting. No one is known to have called Eisenhower one of these to his face (though MacArthur called him “the best … clerk I ever had.” For his part, when asked a
bout MacArthur, Eisenhower said, “I studied dramatics under him for seven years!”).

  DUGOUT DOUG: MacArthur.

  HANGAR QUEEN: An aircraft that constantly needed repairs.

  JARHEAD: A marine. No one knows where this one came from.

  JUNGLE JUICE: Booze made from whatever was handy. Rarely tasty.

  MAE WEST: A life jacket (named for an entertainer with a larger-than-average chest).

  PUCKER FACTOR: How dangerous a mission was; the “pucker factor” did not refer to the pucker of the lips on one’s face, if you get our drift.

  SNAFU: An acronym for Situation Normal: All “Fouled” Up.

  TARGET PASTE: A gravy that reminded soldiers of the glue used to patch bullet holes. Both were made from pretty much the same stuff.

  TOKYO ROSE: A generic term for a group of female disc jockeys on English-language Japanese radio programs who broadcast anti-American propaganda but were often popular with soldiers anyway for their fine musical taste. For more information, look up information about Iva Toguri, a Tokyo Rose who was convicted of treason in a bout of postwar paranoia and was later pardoned.

  WILCO: The contraction of “will” and “comply”; used in radio communications.

  ASSIGNMENT!

  Dig up the full lyrics of the song “Blood on the Risers” and make a diorama illustrating it. You’ll need some ketchup. We here at the Smart Aleck Staff spent weeks ignoring our research so we could build our “Blood on the Risers” Action Play Set. Send us a picture of yours and we just might put it on our Web page! Be somewhat tasteful, please.