Scarlett's Will

by Nicole Marie Jardine

  “We should go to California,” Cas pouted as we made our way back to the shelter.

  At the lunch table one of the counselors sat down beside me. He hands me a business card.

  “You should think about going here. I’ve been told they have a few beds open. I think it’ll be a good transition place for you,” he told me. I looked up at him and smiled.

  “Thank you,” I said as I glanced down at the card. He placed his hand on my shoulder as he stood.

  “You’re a pretty young girl, I hope you can get your life back on track before it’s too late,” he whispered before walking away. That's the second time in one day that I have been told to make a decision before it's too late. It just seems like all the decisions I've made since meeting Buddy have been the wrong ones. Once he’s gone I walk over to Cas.

  “Pack your shit, we’re leaving ASAP,” I tell her. I grab my backpack, check for my journal then stuff my clothes in it. Once we're on the subway I hand Cas the card.

  “They have beds there. I need a bed,” I explain, feeling exhausted. Maybe if I can get a good night's sleep I can make some better decisions.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Cas and I walked into the shelter and asked if we could stay. “I was told by Ric down at the Evergreen that we should come here,” I said. She nods, as she places a form in front of each of us.

  “Just fill these out and we’ll get you settled. I’ll go over the rules too. Just so you know it’s a requirement here to have a few tests done. I’ll look up your health numbers,” she informs us.

  “What kind of tests?” I ask her. I haven’t seen a doctor in years.

  “The usual, STD's, Aids, pregnancy,” she mumbled. I haven’t had my period for about five months, but I think I’d know if I was pregnant by now.

  She grabbed two pairs of flannel pajamas, the smallest she could find and led us past the common area and kitchen. Upstairs, there is a male side and a female side, with showers and bathrooms. She leads us to a bedroom with two beds and flips on the light. There are clean blankets and pillows on the beds.

  “Thank you Ric,” I shout as I flop down on the bed.

  “Hey, get up. Showers first, then put your dirty clothes in this bag, we’ll have them washed. You can wear the pajamas until then. Dinner is in an hour, don’t be late,” she ordered as she shut the door.

  “Showers!” I shout as I grab the laundry bag and race to the bathroom. I undress quickly and jump into the warm water. I notice there is a ten minute timer that has started. I pour shampoo into my hair and scrub my body with a bar of soap.

  “This feels so good,” I shout to Cas, who is in the shower across from me.

  “I am in heaven right now,” she shouts back. Once we’re dried we put on the pajamas. They’re ugly but so clean and comfortable. We put our dirty clothes in the bag and bring it downstairs to the laundry room. I can’t remember the last time I washed my clothes. It must have been before we left Mike’s place.

  We walk into the dining room and I see a number of young, strange, sad looking kids sitting around a large dining room table. A few of them were in pajamas too. I turn to the girl sitting beside me.

  “Hi, I’m Scarlett,” I greet her. She just smiles briefly then looks down at her plate. Cas and I exchanged uncomfortable glances. It’s so quiet here. A few others join us before the food tray is wheeled out. I watch as the other kids pick up their plates and stand in line. Cas and I do the same. An extremely large woman gives me a scoop of potatoes and a slab of roast beef. She then pours the gravy over it.

  “Thank you,” I said, pleased by the solid food on my plate.

  “Wait, you’re new right? Look at you, skin and bones,” she sighed as she drops another scoop of potatoes on my plate.

  “Eat up kid before you fade away,” she said, winking before turning to the next kid. I’m seventeen now but I know I don’t look it. Especially when I’ve washed off all my makeup.

  After dinner all I want to do is curl up in bed and sleep. Cas feels the same way. The next morning there’s a knock on our bedroom door. I scramble to get up and answer it.

  “Hello, are you Scarlett Rayne Jones or Cassandra Lee Davis?” A woman in a white lab coat asks.

  “I’m Scarlett,” I answered her.

  “Come with me,” she orders. She leads me to a room at the end of the hall. There’s an examining table set up, a sample cup and a needle on a tray.

  “Lay down and drop your bottoms,” she orders abruptly. I do as she says. She puts on her gloves then examines me. She takes off the gloves and makes a few notes. She hands me the sample cup. “Go pee in this,” she said, holding up the cup then pointing to a bathroom.

  I walk back out with the jar and place it on the examining table. She has a needle in her hand now. “I just need two blood samples,” she tells me. Once she’s done I dress and sit in a chair beside the desk.

  “How much weight have you lost in the last twelve months?” she asked.

  “I’ve lost about fifteen or twenty pounds in the last, um, what month is it?” I ask, feeling stupid. “It's March. March 15th actually. Do you know what year it is?” she asks me and I don't think she was being sarcastic.

  “Yes I know what year it is and I've lost about twenty pounds in the last eight months,” I tell her. Cas and I weighed ourselves after our showers last night.

  “Do you have any pain anywhere,” she asks.

  “I don’t, but I haven’t had my period in about five months,” I confess to her.

  “That’s a common side effect of malnutrition, once you start eating properly it’ll come back. I don’t believe you’re pregnant. I’ll have the test results for you in a week or so. Can you send your roommate in?” she asked, excusing me. I nod as I leave the room. I inform Cas of what to expect before she leaves. She looks frightened. We have both been so stupid. I just hope we both come out clean.

  “Well she wasn't exactly warm and fuzzy,” Cas pouts as she joins me in our room.

  “I know I'm not pregnant, I had a bit of a period last week. I didn't tell you because I wasn't sure at first what it was. You know I kind of had a thing with Joey, downtown. It was stupid I know, but he kept telling me how beautiful I was. I can't resist a compliment,” she went on, I could hear the fear in her voice.

  “Cas, why did you leave home? Why did you move in with Johnny if you didn't love him? Why did you quit school?” I interrogated her. I needed her to start to think about going home. I had to think about what I was going to do.

  “I liked Johnny, I'm only seventeen, as if I would be in love with him or anybody,” she shrugged off the questions.

  “Cas, I was only sixteen when I fell in love with Buddy. I knew without a doubt, I will always love him. Now answer my questions,” I demanded of her.

  “I left with Johnny because he offered me an escape, Scarlett. I was fighting with my mother because all the creepy guys she called boyfriends wouldn't leave me alone,” she yelled at me. I saw tears in her eyes. Finally, she's opening up, she's dropping her mask and showing me her pain and her fears.

  “I can't go home Scarlett because I don't have one. My mother made that perfectly clear when she packed my bags for me. I don't even know where my stuff is anymore. I guess Johnny has it,” she cried.

  “We'll get it back Cas. I'm sorry,” I said, hugging her. She sobbed as I held her in my arms. I just rubbed her back and waited patiently as she finally let it all out.

  After a few days at the shelter, Debbie, the woman who signed us in came over to talk to us just as we finished lunch. “I have your results. Both of you have shown up clean, a little iron deficient and malnourished but that’s to be expected and not pregnant, congratulations. You’ll have to meet with a counselor while you’re here. They’ll need to know why you are living on the streets. They’ll be contacting your parents to verify your stories,” she informed us. I couldn’t help but laugh at her.

  “What parent would verify any story a runaway kid tells you,” I shoute
d at her. I’m angry now. What kind of system is this? I just met Melody, a girl that opened up to me about why she ended up here. She told me that she ran away from home because her step dad was raping her repeatedly and her mother refused to believe her. Are these counselors going to verify her story with her mother and her step daddy?

  Melody's the girl I sat beside on our first evening here. She finally began talking to me after a few meals eaten side by side. We sat alone in the dining room when she turned to me with tears in her eyes.

  “I'll have to go to another shelter when they decide not to help me anymore. This is the fourth one I've been to since I first ran away over a year ago,” she confessed to me.

  “How old are you?” I asked.

  “Sixteen,” she said proudly. She certainly didn't look it. Her delicate features and her long blond hair made me think of her as a child. I wrapped my arms around her, wishing there was something I could do.

  “They always allow you to stay for awhile. They try to sober you up, feed you, get you checked out for pregnancy or disease. Wash your clothes and of course counsel you back home. Sometimes that’s just not an option though,” she told me. I released her as she stood up.

  “Thanks for the chat Scarlett. Sometimes it feels good just to talk about it. I’m not looking for answers anymore. It’s just about survival. Maybe someday I’ll figure it all out,” she smirked. I watched as her slender fingers pulled out a cigarette, lighting it as she walked outside.

  Debbie ignored my outburst and walked back into her office, shutting the door behind her. I sighed as I stood up and joined the others in the lounge. There were some guys here that wanted to get with me, I could tell by the way they watched me. I didn’t want to be near them though. I wasn’t interested in any of them. I was focused on cleaning up my life now. I didn’t want to be used and besides they had nothing to offer me. Cas and I did our best to avoid them. We would leave the common areas when they would come around. I know that one of them took the hint. He wasn’t pleased by it though. His stupid male ego was hurt. He tried to intimidate me. He would purposely step in front of me when I tried to pass him. He would come outside and stare at me when I would have my smoke.

  I even overheard Calvin on the phone with someone talking about getting a gun. I had a feeling that he purposely wanted me to overhear him. He had left a few photos of guns on the counter when I went in for dishwashing duty. If he was trying to scare me it was working. I didn’t feel safe when he was around. I tried not to look at him, even though I knew he was staring at me. Cas didn’t seem to notice the tension between us, she told me I was paranoid. I had to get away from him before it was too late. I just had a feeling I was in danger. He would snap if I didn’t leave soon.

  Cas and I were caught off guard one morning as one of the guys came running out of the girls shower, wearing just a towel. He was whistling as he ran towards us. Just as we glanced up at him he dropped his towel and screamed. We were so shocked, we just burst out laughing, running into our bedroom and shutting the door. My ribs hurt so bad by the time we caught our breath.

  “Oh my God, did you see him?” Cas laughed. “He’s so big,” she squealed and we both just started laughing again.

  He was dressed when he knocked on our door moments later.

  “Hey, I’m Carl, pleasure to meet you,” he said, sounding professional as he held out his hand when Cas opened it against my protests. Cas shook it. I think she was in love again. He actually turned out to be the funniest guy I have ever met. He was constantly making us laugh. I loved the big red comb he stuck in his afro and his baggy jeans that hung off his skinny hips.

  Carl called me Cleopatra. Cas had just finished cutting my bangs the day he flashed us. Carl, Cas, Melody and I became inseparable. We ate all our meals together and hung out in the common room for hours afterward, telling stories and laughing every night. Boys and girls weren’t allowed into each other's bedrooms, it could mean a possible eviction so we had to meet in the common area. I would just ignore Calvin's stares when he was around. Carl seemed to notice Calvin’s interest in me. I think he sensed the fear I felt towards him.

  Whenever Calvin would come by, Carl would glare at him, subtly moving towards me. I think on the streets, things are different for guys. It comes down to what you can possess or intimidate for some of them. Carl knew he had to show him that I was not up for grabs. I was taken by him, at least as a good friend. I was so grateful for Carl’s protection although I had a feeling that Calvin wasn’t buying it.

  Cas and I made friends with two other guys in the house who freely supplied us with a few smokes from time to time. I needed something to take the constantly recurring pain away. I needed to escape this reality. We didn’t have to give them anything in return, except for a few hours of our time, chatting about life and the meaning of. Like any of us had a clue. These guys were definitely not my type. They had big hair, like Poison and Motley Crue fans. They wore jeans that fit a little too snug and they thought it was cool to play air guitar. They were cute though, they made me laugh, not as much as Carl did but enough for me to relax and enjoy their company. I didn’t mind hanging out with them. I knew they wanted more, all boys did, but Cas and I were able to keep them at arm's length.

  On a warm April afternoon, after lunch Jeremy invited us to join them for a stroll in the park. He winked and I knew he had something special to share. I don’t know how they could afford what they had, but they always seemed to have enough to share. As he handed me my own smoke I thanked him with a sweet smile.

  “Hey, we’re all in this life together baby,” he said.

  “That is true, but I’m not your baby,” I replied as I lit it. He laughed and lit his.

  “Touche,” he mumbled.

  I took in a deep inhale and closed my eyes. It was that familiar smoke. The one that transported me back into Buddy's arms. I could almost feel his hands on my shoulders as he stood behind me, brushing the hair from my neck, slowly kissing my skin. Shivers ran through me. I didn't want to wake from this dream. I sank into it, savoring his imaginary touch.

  I reluctantly joined the rest of them, we spent the afternoon climbing trees and laying in the grass, chatting about clouds and anything else that crossed our messed up minds.

  It didn’t take long for Debbie to tell us that the shelter wouldn't support us any longer, we had to go unless we wanted to involve our parents. We stretched it out as long as we possibly could.

  “Damn, I wish I was eighteen,” I yelled as I punched the wall. I still have half a year to go.

  The day before we left the four of us took the subway downtown to hang out for the day. Once we sat down Cas moved over to sit beside Carl. He took this as a sign to put on a show. He knew it was his job to lighten the mood. He began by impersonating the driver.

  “Mam, I'm going to have to ask you to remain seated. Mam, I need ten more cents if you plan on riding,” he continued on in what sounded like a nerdy man's voice. Then he began making animal sounds, it was almost as though he was throwing his voice. Passengers began looking around the subway car. He would too which made us laugh even harder. He would act like he didn’t know us which would make us laugh even more, we were in tears, clutching our ribs, begging him to stop. He included strangers in his performance, insinuating that we were crazy people when he would make the most outrageous faces behind them, causing us to try and stifle our giggles. I couldn’t possibly explain the joy this tall skinny homeless kid brought to my life that day. I wished we could have all stayed together longer. I felt young and carefree when we were together, like nothing else mattered. It felt as though time stood still. As I looked into Melody’s eyes and I saw a young girl, laughing, enjoying the moment. She let go of all her anger and all her fears, if only for a moment. Cassandra looked like the girl I knew in elementary school, before she became boy crazy, before she took to the numbness like I did. If there was a moment in time I could go back to, it would be that subway ride downtown in April.

&nb
sp; “I’m moving to a boys only shelter across the city. It’s a new place, they tell me they can help me get my high school diploma, so we’ll see,” Carl told me as we sat outside, sharing a smoke.

  “I am going to miss you Carl,” I said as I wrapped my arms around his neck. He held me close. We were all we had. Cas came out and sat on Carl’s other side. She wrapped her arms around his waist. I knew she wanted to keep him. I stood up and walked inside, catching the beautifully content look on Carl's face. A look I knew that wouldn’t last, the odds were not in his favor. I couldn’t think of that as I held the odd looking teddy bear he gave me earlier in my arms. “I have never seen a yellow bear with a triangle face before, I love it Carl, thank you,” I told him as I kissed his cheek.

  The bracelet on my wrist that Lily had given me began to heat up. At least that's what it felt like, almost burning my skin. I considered taking it off as I walked up the stairs toward my bedroom. I noticed the door was slightly ajar. I thought at first that Cas must have left it open when she came downstairs but as I neared the door I heard something. A rustling noise coming from my room. Who was in my bedroom? Adrenaline spiked through me and my anger rose. Just as I placed my hand on the door and opened it a little wider fear gripped me. I slowly backed away and was about to race for the stairs when I felt his hand grab my arm. I tried to scream but his other hand covered my mouth.