He squeezed the back of my neck as he pulled my head down. I did not fight him. Something told me this would become much worse if I fought him, so I opened and took him.
Roughly, he gripped my head with both hands, “Ah fuck, that’s good,” he groaned slamming his cock into my mouth.
It hurt. I cried, gagged...
He stopped, went dead still. The only noise in the room was his heaving respiration mixed into my gasps for air. Reid let loose of my head. I slid up his cock then off, tears flowing.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I can’t be what you need, what you deserve.” Reid got up, and dressed quickly. “I never wanted this. I don’t know how to love you, Trinity. I don’t know how to let you love me.”
“What has happened to you, Reid? Why do you war and rage? Why do you hate yourself?”
Reid was quiet for a moment.
“You asked me about my first time, before. Do you really want to hear it?”
I wrapped my body in a quilt. I wanted to know why, wanted to hear why. I still wanted to help him if I could. I stood and walked toward him.
“Tell me, Reid.”
“I was sixteen,” he started. “A bunch of guys from the football team threw a bonfire kegger at the beach. We were all pretty wasted, but L.J. and I started doing a few lines of cocaine. I’d never done cocaine before that night,” he admitted, his eyes hardening as he spoke. “L.J. started making out with a new girl. She’d only been attending our school for a few weeks. She was pretty, dark blue eyes, blonde hair, small build, like you.” Reid stopped, paced, scrubbed the back of his head with his fingers.
“What happened?”
“After a while, L.J. took her under the pier. Myself and three more guys went to watch them. L.J. had told us he was going to nail her. L.J. knew I was the only one of them who had not been with a girl, at least not all the way. He kept teasing me, saying when he was done I could have her. She started fighting him, telling him no. Then she really fought, started screaming no, started crying, so L.J. held her down.”
“ ‘Come on,’ he said. “ ‘Let’s give this cunt something to scream about.’ ”
Reid stopped speaking, closed his eyes. I reached up and touched his face. He pulled my hand away.
“I did it. I wanted to do it. I wanted to watch that girl scream,” Reid confessed. “I held her down while L.J. stripped her clothes off. She looked up at me, pleading, telling me she was a virgin, begging me to help her. In that instant I wanted to let her go. Something inside of me said, ‘Let her go. Stop this.’ Then something else said, ‘Fuck no. Watch her scream.’” Reid stopped for a moment before he turned toward me again. “I could have stopped what was happening. We were messed up on alcohol and cocaine, but that’s no excuse. We did what we did,” Reid said. “That’s who I am, Trinity. That’s the truth of me that you’ve never seen. That’s the fucking monster you thought you were in love with.”
“Reid.” Tears streamed down my face. “Oh, Reid,” I murmured.
Reid turned from me before walking away in silence.
I gathered up my composure and headed for Jacqueline’s suite. I stood outside the door for a long moment, considering, then I knocked.
“Come in,” Jacqueline answered. I walked in to find Jacqueline seated at her vanity, brushing through her long raven colored hair. “Good morning, my petit,” Jacqueline said. I broke down, sobbing. “What has he done?” Jacqueline asked. I fell to Jacqueline's feet, hugging her legs. “No,” Jacqueline said, her voice sounding horrified. “Tell me he did not—”
“No.” I sobbed. “But I can never help him, Jacqueline. I wanted to try to help him, give him a reason to love someone. Show him he could be gentle, that he could make love. He has moments Jacqueline, but just not enough.”
Jacqueline brushed her fingers through my hair. “Sometimes our love for someone is not enough, my petit. Reid is the only person who can help Reid.”
“What am I going to do, Jacqueline?”
“You are going to find someone worthy of your love.”
“Will I ever stop loving him? Did I ever really love him?”
“You loved what was denied you,” Jacqueline said, “and through that denial you created the man that you wished Reid to be. But you will stop loving that creation. One day you will find your love for him is no longer what you need, and then you can let that desire for what you could never have, go.”
“Do you think Reid will ever love?”
Jacqueline smiled. “Reid will always struggle with love, but within his struggle you will always be the forbidden. The one thing denied him. The one person that he wished to love. He will regret much, my petit.”
“Was I crazy for coming here, for trying?”
Jacqueline placed my hand under my chin, lifting it. “Only you can answer that question.”
“You somehow knew even though Reid would burn for me, it wouldn’t be enough for me, didn’t you, Jacqueline?”
“Oui, my petit. I knew you would need much more than what Reid could offer, but you had to realize this for yourself.”
“There is a difference between love and desire. I want them both.”
“You deserve them both, my petit.”
I smiled through the tears. “Maybe I was so blinded because I wasn’t living before.”
“And living is painful, is it not?”
I sniffled. “Yes, but at least I am no longer a ghost.”
“No, my petit, you are far from a ghost. Now come, we have much to do. Lord Archer arrives this afternoon.”
“You knew?”
“Of course. He called me several times on my private phone line. I believe he was worried about you, and more than concerned about Reid. I believe Reid fanned the flames of his early arrival, quickened his resolve regarding his deep desire for you.”
“Are you saying Lord Archer is jealous of Reid?”
Jacqueline rose to her feet like royalty.
“I am quite assured of the fact, my beautiful Trinity. Quite assured.”
Chapter Seventeen
I was quiet at lunch, while all of my sisters laughed and talked. I nibbled at my food, didn’t partake in Breeze’s homemade lemon cakes, and after several minutes of twirling the corner of my napkin, I finally got up to wash my plate.
“How was your date?” Amelia asked.
Jacqueline shook her head at Amelia.
“Things started out fine but—”
“He’s an ass,” Ceclie interjected, quickly.
I placed my clean plate back into the cabinet then gave my full attention to my sisters.
“In his defense,” I said, “he always warned me, but I kept pushing. Not wanting to understand. Not wanting to listen.” I stared out the window. The sun flickered off the metal roof of the garden shed. “You can’t make someone love you, no matter how much you try, and you can’t fix people either. You can only work at fixing yourself.”
“I’m sorry,” said Amelia, “we never wished for you to hurt.”
“I know,” I said, walking over to the kitchen door. “All of you mean so very much to me.” I turned. “I have some laundry to put away.”
I went up to my room, a stack of clean laundry in my arms. I told myself I needed to thank Lilli Anna for doing my laundry. I opened up the armoire where I placed my clean jogging pants alongside my t-shirts, pondering going home. I knew Lord Archer would be arriving sometime this afternoon, but maybe I should tell him it was time for me to go back home to California. Perhaps go to college. It was a possibility for me.
I looked at my suitcases then glanced around my room. It was strange to feel so comfortable here. To have such good friends, people who did care for me, people who helped me, took me into their home as though I really was their sister. I never had real friends. I would miss them.
There was a small knock at my door. I went to answer, seeing Amelia.
“Come in,” I said.
“Trinity, Lord Archer is here.”
“Okay.
I’ll be right down. Just give me a moment.”
“My sister, can I give you some advice?”
“Don’t you always,” I said with a less forced smile.
Amelia chuckled. “Yes,” she admitted. “Please don’t throw away something that could be great because you cannot see past the hurt you are experiencing now. Lord Archer cares for you, Trinity. I believe if you allow yourself the chance you might find the truest love of your life.” Amelia patted my shoulder. “I will tell Lord Archer you will be down in a few minutes.”
I paced in my room before finally coming to a halt at the mirror. I straightened my black sweater over my jeans. I thought about Lord Archer. How he always looked at me. The way he spoke to me. I didn’t know where this new opportunity would lead, but maybe I didn’t need to know. Maybe I should live, let my life and love happen. Perhaps I wasn’t ready to go home yet.
I left my room and headed down the stairs. Ashton would be waiting in the parlor for me, so I headed that way, passing Alec.
“In a better mood, I see,” he said.
“Yes.”
When I entered into the parlor, Jacqueline was talking with Ashton. Ashton turned toward me, his face so beautiful that my memories of him didn’t do him justice. He was wearing black jeans with black Doc Marten boots, a black belt along with a black long sleeved shirt. The sleeves rolled up on his forearms. I noticed the top few buttons of his shirt were unbuttoned. He looked different, casual, not so formal and a hell yeah of a lot of sexy.
Ashton smiled at me. His bright white smile made the laugh lines around the corners of his magnificent mouth appear.
“Lord Archer!” I exclaimed, bounding to him. He caught me in his arms, swinging me around. “I’ve missed you,” I said in a breath, taking in his uniquely delicious scent.
“Ah … my dove,” he said, placing my feet back to the ground, “you are such a joy. I am without words to tell you how happy I am to see you.”
I grabbed his hand. “Come, sit with me. Tell me all about your trip here,” I said, tugging him over to one of the larger settees.
“My petit,” Jacqueline said, “I will leave you two to talk. I am sure you both have much to discuss.”
“Okay,” I said in a rush, gazing back at Ashton. “How was your flight?”
“It was an excellent flight. The weather was brilliant for flying.”
“And your business, did you take care of everything?”
Ashton let out a guffaw. “Yes, my dove, but do you really wish to speak of such boring matters?”
“I like hearing about you. It’s not boring.”
Ashton reached out and played with one of my curls. I was glad I wore my hair down.
“My dove, I would rather we talk about you.”
“Like what? We’ve talked about a lot of things over the phone while you were gone, and besides, I’m not very interesting.”
“Trinity, you are fascinating and so full of joy and life.”
“I am?”
“Without doubt, my beautiful Trinity.”
“Well, what do you want to know?”
Ashton chuckled. “Anything you wish to tell me.”
“Anything?”
“Yes.”
“Well … I really miss eating pizza.”
Ashton let out another guffaw. “You like pizza?”
“I love it, but I haven’t had pizza since coming here. I miss eating pizza and drinking Coke. That’s the best when you have a huge slice of pepperoni pizza with a Coca-Cola. There was this place back home in California that my sister would go to. She’d always bring home a pizza for me because I didn’t go out, and they didn’t deliver,” I clarified. “Anyway, it was probably the best pizza I have ever had, even better than the pizza I remember in New York.” I glanced up to see Ashton staring at me. “What? Why are you looking at me like that?”
“You are truly stunning, Trinity, that is why I am looking at you in the way I am. I have never met anyone like you before.” He touched my cheek. “Now tell me more, my dove. I must hear more.”
I giggled, wrapping my fingers into his.
“Ashton, have you ever been to America?”
“Yes,” he said. “I have been to New York.”
“You have?”
“Yes, my dove.”
“Did you like it?”
“I enjoyed my time there very much. I always find the boldness of people to be quite refreshing, and New York was filled with boldness. It was also never quiet, traffic, traffic and more traffic.”
“Do you think you might ever go back?”
“Perhaps,” he said. He took his fingertip and traced the light blue vein on the back of my hand. “Why do you ask?”
I shrugged. “I was just wondering if you would come visit me in California, if I go back home.”
“My dove, are you thinking of leaving?”
“I came here for all the wrong reasons, Ashton. While I can’t say I’m sorry I came, I can never say that,” I said, looking into his face, “I know you cannot make someone love you. Maybe my love for Reid was never real.”
Ashton asked, “You do not believe your heart?”
“Sometimes we allow ourselves to believe so much in something that when we find out we were wrong, we are forced to ask ourselves if we ever really saw the truth in the first place. If we ever really felt what we felt or was it all part of the fantasy we created?”
“Explain to me, my dove. I am not following you.”
“I did not live a life, Ashton. I was boxed within my own little world that I created. I sat and watched others live. I watched my sister. I watched Reid. I thought he was beautiful, but there is more to what we see here,” I said, pointing to my body. “There is what’s here,” I continued, pointing to my heart. “I only saw what I wanted to see in Reid. I lived a life inside of my head with him, because I couldn’t live a life in the real world. I so wanted to become another person, but I will always be me, Ashton. I guess maybe with a more polished outside, but always the same inside.”
“So are you saying you are no longer in need of Reid?”
“I wanted to help him, but I can’t. I cannot because I cannot change who I am. I thought I needed to become what he wanted, what he needed, but I found I needed something he could not give, something I could not compromise. Myself.” I gazed into Ashton’s iced white eyes. “And because…”
“What, my dove?”
“I feel something for you,” I admitted.
Ashton observed me intently as I spoke of Reid, and the things that happened between us while he was gone.
“Trinity,” he crooned. “I would like to take you out on a date. Will you grant my wish?”
“You are taking me to a formal ball hosted by the Queen of England, that is probably, as dates go, huge.”
Ashton laughed, and the sound washed over me, setting my skin to tingle.
“Yes, well I can see how that might seem huge; however, I wish to take you out for pizza. I know this little place that I am quite sure you will love. They have your pepperoni with Coca-Cola.”
“You want to take me out for pizza?”
“Yes. This is my wish. We can continue our conversations. I would love to hear about your sister. Will you grant my wish? Will you allow me to take you for pizza?”
“Sure,” I said. “I would love to go out with you, my lord.”
“Good, then grab an overnight bag and your coat.”
“An overnight bag? Where are we going?”
“Trust me,” he said. “Pack enough for three days, nothing fancy or formal needs to be packed. Meet me at the door of the chateau. I shall have my driver waiting.”
“Now?”
Ashton tapped the tip of my nose as if it were a button. “Yes.”
I hopped up from the settee with exuberance, kissed his cheek then turned on my heels, bounding out the door.
“Amelia,” I said, taking her by the hand. “Help me pack. Lord Archer is taking me out for pizza. He wan
ts me to pack an overnight bag, but he said nothing fancy, just casual.”
“Where are you going?” Amelia asked.
“I don’t know.”
“Not a problem,” Amelia assured.
We packed a bag, keeping it casual with jeans, some sweaters along with a few silkier low cut shirts, adding in some shorts, a couple of t-shirts, and of course some fabulous boots.
“Boots go with jeans,” Amelia said as she packed them.
“My make-up.” I skipped over to my vanity table, gathering it. “And my perfume.” I paused and glanced back at Amelia. “What perfume should I take?”
“This one,” Amelia said, holding up the perfume with French vanilla mixed with floral scents. “Did you get your conditioner for your curls?”
“Yeah,” I said, and stuffed the bag full. “I think I have everything. I just need to find my coat.”
I descended the stairs, bag in hand. Ashton stood by the front door of the Chateau, waiting.
“Shall we?” he asked, holding out his arm. His other hand grabbed my bag.
“Yes,” I said.
Once we stepped foot out the door, someone came forward and took my bag from Ashton. I figured this was Ashton’s driver, since he placed it in the trunk then proceeded to open the back door for us. I looked at the car. A shiny silver Bentley. I smiled.
“Why are you smiling, my dove?”
“Your car is a Bentley.”
“Yes. Do you like it?”
“It is very beautiful, but I’m smiling because my sister’s name is Bentley.”
Ashton helped me into the car. I slid across the fine leather seat, and he slid in beside me.
“Now,” he said, taking my hand in his while meeting my gaze, “tell me about Bentley.”
I talked, and talked, and talked some more. I talked about my childhood, and about my room decorated in small yellow daisies. I spoke about a park my father would take me to, remembering it had to be Central Park, before I started in with memories of my sister. I told Ashton how my sister loved to sing and dance, explaining when we were small, Bentley put on a concert for the neighbors. I laughed when I said I was my sister’s backup singer. It was strange, how easy it was to talk to Ashton. Even when I had talked with Reid, I usually did the listening, while he did the talking.
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