Law and Disorder

by Tim Kevan

  ‘And what will be on the menu?’ I asked.

  ‘Oh, BabyB, you should know me well enough by now. I may have been accused of many things, but being a tease is not one of them.’

  ‘Well, dinner might be a good time to put the world to rights. Maybe I could just give my solicitor that call. After all, if we can’t agree on something as easy as this, what hope is there for the world?’

  ‘Quite, BabyB. Very constructive, if I may say so.’

  And so we settled, subject to costs which we went in front of the judge to argue.

  ‘And what do you say about my uplift, BabyB?’ TheVamp purred her question to me in front of the judge and made a point of bending over her papers as she said it. What could I say? Barbara Windsor couldn’t have delivered the line better. The lady might be a tramp but she had a certain something. Even the (male) judge got the innuendo and, obviously demob happy from getting a free day due to the settlement, added, ‘Yes, Mr BabyBarista. What do you say about your opponent’s, er, uplift?’

  ‘Sir, it is the finest uplift in all the Bar,’ is what I might have replied. Instead I went for, ‘On careful reflection, Sir, and considering it from all angles, I have no objection whatsoever to my learned friend’s, er, uplift. None. At all. The uplift is, might I say, just right.’

  ‘My thoughts entirely,’ the judge responded. ‘I shall make an award for your uplift . . .’ He peered over his glasses at TheVamp and paused for a long moment, before continuing, ‘in full.’

  As for what happened later, I shall only go so far as to report that I eventually arrived home from court at seven in the morning. Maybe after TheVamp’s voted for me at the tenancy meeting I might just tell her that there had been no need for such generosity on her part, given that I didn’t even have a client.

  As I struggled home in the morning with a hangover, I have to admit that the person at the forefront of my mind was Claire. Not that there’s anything going on between the two of us, it’s just that I know she’d be disappointed.

  Thursday 14 June 2007

  Day 178 (week 37): Private and confidential

  Almost by return of post, the hippy house received an A4 brown envelope today from ThirdSix’s old chambers. It contained photocopies of a bunch of documents accompanied by a covering letter addressed to ThirdSix. It gave rise to much interesting reading. Seems he had an affair with a client who then complained to chambers about him after he finished it. When the internal investigation (read: ‘kangaroo court’) got under way, he denied the affair entirely, only to be forced into an embarrassing climb-down when the ex-client presented as evidence a pair of his underpants which had tags emblazoned with his name and Oxford college carefully sewn into the hem. Bless. It was agreed by all concerned that the client would receive an apology and that ThirdSix would leave chambers. As part of the compromise, it was also agreed that nothing more would be mentioned about the matter around the Bar.

  Until now, that is. I neatly packed the papers into another brown envelope addressed to ThirdSix and marked it ‘Private and confidential: highly sensitive and personal information’. I then put it in TopFirst’s pigeon-hole, which is right next to that of ThirdSix. We’ll see if TopFirst bites.

  Friday 15 June 2007

  Day 179 (week 37): Announcement

  Today BusyBody announced publicly that she’s pregnant. Very publicly in fact. In chambers tea.

  ‘Excuse me,everybody,but I’d like to make a little announcement. Some of you might already have heard but I would just like to say that I’m going to be having a baby. I will finish my pupillage and then take a few months out before returning to the Bar. Thank you.’

  Stunned silence and a few open mouths from those who had no idea. Others simply nodded as if they knew already, which probably explains BusyBody’s direct approach. Obviously no mention of the identity of the father and according to Worrier there’s no prospect of her trying to find this out either. In the meantime, FanciesHimself (who knows nothing of the possibility of OldSmoothie being the father) got wind of this announcement and quietly took BusyBody to one side and proposed to her in the photocopying room. She apparently thanked him very much but declined. Somehow I don’t foresee OldSmoothie taking on the same level of responsibility. Since the announcement, he has disappeared from chambers and is apparently off next week ‘at the dentist’.

  Monday 18 June 2007

  Day 180 (week 38): Ask BusyBody

  It’s all starting to kick off in chambers following the envelope I left in TopFirst’s pigeon-hole about ThirdSix and his affair with a client. Predictably, TopFirst couldn’t resist and got to work on the rumour mill pretty sharpish. By Friday lunchtime Worrier had come round to my room asking for advice.

  ‘BabyB, have you heard about ThirdSix?’

  ‘I have, yes. TopFirst did mention something in passing although I didn’t really get the full details.’

  ‘Well, it seems that he’s not as squeaky clean as he first appeared.’

  ‘Something about an affair at his last chambers, wasn’t it?’ I said vaguely.

  ‘More than just any affair. It was with a client.’

  ‘Golly, I hadn’t realised that.’

  ‘The problem is, BabyB, I’ve been fretting about what I should do.’

  Oh, here we go. Worrier doing what she does best. ‘How so?’ I asked.

  ‘Well, I know he’s our competition and everything but it does feel pretty bad knowing that all this nasty stuff’s being said behind his back and he knows nothing about it at all.’

  ‘And what were you thinking?’

  ‘Well the last thing I want to do is interfere. But at the same time it seems pretty unfair for TopFirst to be spreading these rumours without giving him any chance to answer them. I just don’t know what to do actually. I was hoping you might be able to help.’

  ‘Oh, I’m not really sure. I can certainly see the difficulties,’ I said, trying to look as thoughtful and sensitive as possible. ‘Sounds like the sort of thing that BusyBody might be able to help with, though.’ A suggestion made knowing full well that BusyBody would live up to her name. Sure enough, by this morning BusyBody had had a long talk with ThirdSix, who had in turn had gone to Worrier and asked how TopFirst had got hold of this information. It won’t take long for him to find out that a Data Protection Act request was made to his old chambers and TopFirst is going to have difficulties explaining how he came upon the information, given that he did in fact open a letter addressed to ThirdSix.

  Tuesday 19 June 2007

  Day 181 (week 38): Infighting

  ‘So what do you think I should do, BabyB?’ ‘About what exactly, ThirdSix?’

  ‘You know. The rumours started by TopFirst.’

  Well, it seems they’re all after my advice at the moment and aren’t I the one who’s only just too happy to dispense it with a smile? Of course, you might by now anticipate my answer. ‘Oh, you know, I think if I were you I’d probably ask BusyBody. She’s bound to know.’

  Sure enough, by this afternoon, BusyBody had once again been my unwitting accomplice and over lunch had helped ThirdSix to decide that he needed to take action. So it was that at chambers tea, TopFirst and ThirdSix were starting to square up to each other.

  ‘You made a data protection request to my chambers?’

  ‘No I didn’t.’

  ThirdSix poked TopFirst in the chest with his finger in a very unbarristerish form of advocacy and you could see the blood rising to his cheeks. ‘So how did you come across the information you’ve been spreading?’

  ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

  ‘Yes you do.’

  ‘No I don’t.’

  At this point I wanted to interrupt and start the rest of chambers tea up with a pantomime chorus of ‘Oh yes he does’ but I just managed to restrain myself as their tempers started to flare. The thing is TopFirst will never admit to his duplicity in reading the confidential letter and so ironically the buck will remain firmly with hi
m. Eventually ThirdSix stormed off in a huff. It’ll be interesting to see if and how ThirdSix takes his revenge.

  So, as my two main competitors start to fight each other, I think I shall retire quietly into the background and put my feet up for a while. Not.

  Wednesday 20 June 2007

  Day 182 (week 38): Kick while down

  Having weakened TopFirst with all the ThirdSix nonsense, today was the perfect day to arrange the final meeting with Ginny the HoneyTrap. Last week I’d already re-arranged it for

  this evening, but just to keep him on his toes I sent him an email from Ginny today rearranging it once again, this time for tomorrow evening. Despite this, he confirmed without any reservations, even though he’ll have to get out of yet another case to be there. Last week he claimed he had a family funeral today. It’ll be interesting to see what he comes up with for tomorrow.

  Thursday 21 June 2007

  Day 183 (week 38): Mystery illness

  Well, I now know what TopFirst came up with as an excuse, since I was given his case after he phoned in this morning claiming to have gone down with the flu. HeadClerk’s response to this as he handed me the papers one hour before the hearing was, ‘There are only four other people in chambers who have missed cases more than once. Most of these have been because of so-called ‘illnesses’, which in fact involved either alcohol or young ladies, or both. I don’t wish to know which of these is responsible for TopFirst’s little ‘flu bug’ but I certainly hope it was something more attractive than that wine bar plonk of which he’s so fond.’

  Just to add further spice to the mix, I suggested a drink with ThirdSix this evening in the pub next door to the wine bar where TopFirst is meeting Ginny.

  Friday 22 June 2007

  Day 184 (week 38): Debrief

  So last night was the big one for Ginny and TopFirst. Didn’t go quite as I’d planned, but I’ll take it as a result nonetheless. Ginny gave me a call this morning and gave me a debrief, so to speak. ‘He’s so sad, BabyB. He’s completely full of himself on the surface and yet he simply can’t hide his desperation.’

  ‘So where did he take you?’

  ‘Oh, it was non-stop. First there was a wine bar and then some posh restaurant or other in Covent Garden. Managed to get in this time as well. Then, after he was already pretty much blind drunk on champagne, he insisted on going on to some trendy bar around the corner for mojitos.’

  ‘And what did he come out with?’

  ‘So much, BabyB. I think you’ll be pleased with the video. Had lots to say both about the pupils and about other people in chambers. Not very flattering about anyone. Certainly enough to embarrass him pretty badly.’

  ‘Any lunges?’

  ‘Far worse. Once we were at the final bar he started saying that he was falling in love with me and then followed it up with a ‘‘lunge’’, as you call it. Well, I managed to palm him off with an invitation back to mine and we left and got a cab. I told him I’d been lent the flat by an old schoolfriend who was away on holiday.’

  ‘And . . .’

  ‘Hold your horses. I’ll get to it. It’s worth the wait, I promise. Anyway, back at mine he kept on trying to grope me until eventually I just told him to get undressed whilst I popped downstairs for something. I went out of the flat and then there was nothing for it but to scream. Did a pretty good job as well.’

  ‘I’m starting to see where this is going.’

  ‘Spot on. My only worry was that TopFirst made it out to the rescue before one of the neighbours.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘Like clockwork. Out he comes, so to speak and there was me straight back in the flat and locking the door.’

  ‘Well, that’s certainly above and beyond the call of duty. What did he do after that?’

  ‘Not much he could do. Lots of sad, pathetic mewing outside until he realised that he was done for and had to go onto the streets of Stratford in his birthday suit. Can’t imagine how he got home since there aren’t many cabs out at that sort of time.’

  Somehow he must have made it home as I saw him today in chambers, although Ginny’s story explains why he was looking rougher even than the apocryphal badger’s rear end. All of this has apparently been caught on camera by Ginny. Certainly the stuff he said about chambers will help. But the fact he was trying it on with Ginny when his fiancée was sitting quietly at home is likely to worry him most. It’s not helped by the fact that his fiancée is the daughter of an extremely well-known judge in the Court of Appeal. Overall, should be enough to finish him for good. The problem is that Ginny can also see the value of the tape.

  ‘The thing is, this job was far bigger than you ever explained it might be and the results I got couldn’t be more helpful to you. I think you and I understand each other, BabyB, and I don’t actually think you’ll be surprised to hear that the price has gone up.’

  ‘What? How much?’

  ‘Five grand, BabyB. In cash. And then you get your video. Every last second of it.’

  This is money I simply don’t have available. Might be time to move things along with FakeClaims&Co and then speak to TheBoss about an advance.

  Monday 25 June 2007

  Day 185 (week 39): Quelle chance

  One thing I didn’t mention on Friday is the other part of the story of Thursday night, which might actually result in my not needing to use Ginny’s tape. It starts back in the pub to which I’d casually invited ThirdSix.

  ‘Isn’t that our friend Mr Stab-You-In-The-Back TopFirst?’ asked ThirdSix, as he pointed through the window to the tables outside the wine bar next door.

  ‘So it is,’ I remarked casually.

  ‘And who’s the stunning girl he’s with? It’s definitely not his fiancée. I’ve seen a picture of her on his desk.’

  ‘No idea,’ I said.

  ‘He’s holding her hand,’ he continued.

  ‘So he is,’ I observed neutrally.

  ‘He’s playing away from home, BabyB. Could be perfect for getting him back. Maybe I can video him canoodling with her using my mobile?’

  ‘I’d be careful if I were you,’ I warned.

  ‘Definitely. No worries there. I’ll just keep a safe distance.’

  ‘Your fight, I guess,’ I rejoined, with which ThirdSix set about getting some dirt on TopFirst.

  I certainly look forward to hearing how he got on. Either way, though, I still need to get that tape from Ginny, even if it ends up simply being an insurance option.

  Tuesday 26 June 2007

  Day 186 (week 39): Loose ends

  Just to tie up the loose ends, as TheVamp might say, I sent the following email from Ginny’s account to TopFirst today:

  From: ginnyandtonic@hotmail.co.uk

  To: TopFirst

  Date: 26 June 2007, 13.15

  Dear TopFirst,

  To a limited extent I guess I should apologise for my undignified behaviour the other evening. I hope that you might forgive this when you learn that earlier that day I had learned on the grapevine via OldRuin that you are, in fact, engaged to be married. I wish you both a long and happy marriage. Please do not contact me ever again.

  Ginny

  Wednesday 27 June 2007

  Day 187 (week 39): Sleeping dogs

  Went out for coffee with ThirdSix today and got the low-down on his own results. Apparently he followed TopFirst and Ginny at a safe distance and then sat at a nearby table in the restaurant where he was able to take a video with his phone. Says that he got loads of comments about members of chambers and, most importantly, the romantic advances which were being made. He’s mulling over what he should do with the video. By the level of his nervous energy, it was clear that he had already decided to use it in some way against TopFirst. With the knowledge that my advice would be ignored, I said, ‘You know, if I were you, I’d just let sleeping dogs lie.’

  Thursday 28 June 2007

  Day 188 (week 39): UsherCraft

  I won’t say what court I was in today. To do so
would probably trigger an investigation from the new Ministry of Justice. The reason is simple. One of the judges is having an affair with his usher and all the barristers know about it. But what’s unusual about this, you might ask? The answer is the fact that the barristers also know that the usher actually insists on deciding all of the cases for the judge. This led to a feeding frenzy in the waiting room as barristers queued up to book in and try and slip in a few submissions in the process. I didn’t realise this until afterwards, unfortunately, and was a little perplexed as to why my opponent spent so much time explaining what a hard journey he’d had and how his mother wasn’t very well at the moment and how important this case was to his client. In hindsight, I can now see that the usher had been charmed. Following our submissions, the judge asked for five minutes to consider his judgement. The usher showed us out and then returned into court for the deliberations. Needless to say, I lost, though at least I will know better for next time. Just to make it worse, when we came out of court the client couldn’t have been more grateful.It reminded me of something TheBoss once said,‘It’s the losers that’ll thank you, BabyB. The winners just assume it was down to them. The losers see you as fighting the good fight against the odds.’

  Friday 29 June 2007

  Day 189 (week 39): Cherish the gift

  ‘How’s the family, BabyB?’

  OldRuin’s sympathetic tone reaches parts of a BabyBarista’s heart that his fellow members of the Bar fail to reach. Today he was again treating me to a catch-up lunch at Simpson’s in the Strand. ‘I’d have the roast beef, if I were you,’ he followed up, softening his enquiry after I had paused.

  ‘Good idea. It’s very kind of you to treat me like this. Not something you get very often as a pupil.’

  ‘Some things don’t change, BabyB. Don’t worry. It’ll all turn out for the best.’ He looked at me and then quietly asked,‘How’s home life?’

  Without even realising I was doing it, I slowly started to open up in a way I had only ever done with Claire before. ‘It’s OK, though it can be difficult at times.’