Law and Disorder
Page 21
‘Even so. Humour me. How long?’
‘Since yesterday afternoon.’
‘And when did you find out who would be hearing this case?’
‘Er. Yesterday afternoon.’
‘And would there, by any chance, be any correlation between these two happenings?’
‘Your Honour. M’learned friend is extremely experienced in matters such as this.’
‘Yes,’ she took a long look at TheVamp before continuing, ‘I’m sure she is.’
The case was lost before it had even started and UpTights and TheVamp were left looking like two women out on the pull who’d been turned away at the door of the only nightclub in town.
Wednesday 18 July 2007
Day 202 (week 42): Yo, dude!
It might be the pressure but TopFirst is starting to turn into a parody of himself. He’s like the class nerd who’s become so full of his own self-importance that he’s even started to believe he’s cool. There have been a number of affectations over the months but his new catchphrase does him no favours whatsoever. He’s started saying, ‘Juglandaceous, dude’ in the style of Bill and Ted. He immediately follows it up with, ‘Great word, huh? Means something to do with walnuts, believe it or not. Thinking of putting it in one of my closing speeches.’
Righteous. Dude.
As for UpTights, she’s been working on JudgeJewellery’s case.The difficulty is that CheapnNasty, the shop where she was caught, has come back with a load of CCTV evidence showing her stealing all sorts of other jewellery on numerous occasions in the past. They’re also threatening to go to their competitors to ask them if they have any similar footage. So for now her only hope is going to be that of the last resort for the desperate, an abuse of process argument. Seems they didn’t read her her rights properly after she’d given them the old, ‘Do you realise that I’m a member of Her Majesty’s judiciary?’ line. Thought there was no need. Which of course there wasn’t, since she knew full well what her rights were. But if there’s a technicality to be had, there’ll always be a lawyer there to take it.
Whilst UpTights was in conference with JudgeJewellery I received a call from FakeClaims&Co telling me that they’ll need another medical report after which they’ll be able to get me some cash for both my injuries. Recorded the call using the loudspeaker on my phone and a small tape recorder and then took it straight round to TheBoss.‘Just the job, BabyB. Can’t see how they’ll continue in the face of all this evidence.’
I hope he’s right for my own sake. Despite the fact that it would be a cowardly, low-down, two-faced thing to do, I have no doubt that he means it when he says that if he goes down, I go with him.
Monday 23 July 2007
Day 205 (week 43): Facebooked
Been checking out TopFirst’s network of friends on Facebook. Interesting that he hasn’t yet removed Ginny, which made me think that there may be some scope for causing trouble there in the future. That then got me wondering. Tried signing in as TopFirst himself. I already have his personal email address from his dealings with Ginny and so all I needed was his password. Ginny’s name failed as did that of his fiancée. Then I tried his football team, his Cambridge college and a few obscure legal terms as it wouldn’t have surprised me to find his password was something like ‘estoppel’ or ‘Mareva’. All to no avail. Then it dawned on me. His favourite word of the moment. His naff Bill and Ted bodacious take-off. I typed in ‘juglandaceous’ – and bingo. Access to his most intimate 459 friends from Cambridge and beyond.
So, just a few small changes to make to his profile. ‘Relationship status’ was changed from ‘engaged’ to ‘single’. A broken heart next to his name immediately indicated this on the newsfeeds of his friends. Then, I changed his ‘looking for’ section from ‘friends’ to ‘anything I can get’. Lo and behold, another newsfeed instantly appeared. This I followed up by Googling a paparazzi picture of someone doing a drunken moonie outside a nightclub and uploading it as his profile picture. With his new profile sorted, I set up a group called ‘The Great Singles Lurve Shack’ and sent out an invitation to join it to all of his friends. After that I thought maybe I’d leave a message on the wall of each of his female friends (excluding his fiancée) saying:
Hi, I’ve often regretted having fallen into that ‘just good friends’ thing and wondered, now that I’m single, whether we should perhaps see if the chemistry’s there on a more romantic level? How about a romantic dinner? x
Facebooked. Oh, and just in case anyone tried to trace what had been done, which is admittedly unlikely, I did it all from ThirdSix’s computer which he’d left on and available for anyone to use.
Tuesday 24 July 2007
Day 206 (week 43): Damage limitation
As one of TopFirst’s Facebook friends I received a message from him late this afternoon both on Facebook itself and also to my Hotmail account.
Hi, it seems that someone hacked into my Facebook account yesterday. I would like to confirm the following.
1. I have not just split up with my fiancée.
2. I do not want to have a romantic dinner with all my female friends.
3. The photo of a man pulling his trousers down outside a nightclub is not me.
4. I did not set up the group ‘The Great Singles Lurve Shack’. I have instructed defamation lawyers and I hereby give formal notice that I will take legal action against anyone repeating any of this.
And that’s supposed to make it better? Anyway, he’s trying to get to the bottom of ‘The Case of the Facebook Fiend’ as he’s calling it. Worrier says he suspects it was probably . . . guess who? ThirdSix of course. Who else? Thinks he’s getting him back for intercepting his post the other day.
Thursday 26 July 2007
Day 208 (week 43): Battleships
Today I went along to a settlement conference with UpTights. She was representing an insurer who I’ll call Sundance and her opponent was once again OldSmoothie. As we were all sitting around a table ready to start FanciesHimself came into the room carrying a box in front of him like it was the crown jewels. I looked more closely. It was a game of Battleships.
‘Set ’em up then, OldSmoothie,’ said Sundance. ‘Your turn to go first, I believe?’
At this point no one had yet explained exactly what was going on,but it was slowly starting to dawn on me.‘Don’t worry,BabyB,’ said Sundance after it was all up. ‘This is no more random than putting your case in front of a judge and it’s a heck of a lot cheaper.
If OldSmoothie wins, his client gets half a mill in this case. If I win, he only gets a hundred thou. Simple as that, really.’
He noticed that I looked towards UpTights. ‘Why brief counsel on our own side, you ask?’
‘No, I wasn’t wanting to suggest . . .’
‘I’ve known OldSmoothie here for years. Fought hundreds of cases against each other. He only ever agrees to Battleships if UpTights can be the referee.’
OldSmoothie looked very pleased with himself. UpTights on the other hand was less than amused at being paraded around as the most expensive Battleships referee in the world ever.
‘If you insist on playing these schoolboy games, the least you can do is to get on with it, don’t you think?’
‘Oh but UpTights, don’t you enjoy the build-up? These settlement conferences are always the highlight of my month.’
‘Me too, actually,’ said Sundance.
Then they both sat down at the table and stared at each other like a couple of old gunslingers. Silence descended and the duel began. Today it was OldSmoothie who was victorious and he rang his solicitor from the room to report on what a tough negotiation he had been through.
As I was leaving work I noticed in the chambers diary that ThirdSix is booked in on a case against Teflon on Monday and by coincidence he’s also in the same court on a different case the next day. He’s currently away in Manchester until tomorrow evening and both briefs were waiting for him in his pigeon-hole. I quickly took them out and went back to m
y room. Satisfied that in both cases he was defending claims which ultimately would be paid by an insurer (as if this somehow made what I was about to do slightly less bad), I made the switch. Actually, it was only the date on the front of each brief which I changed – making the 30th look like the 31st and vice versa. Very simple, but potentially very effective.
We’ll see how he gets on.
Monday 30 July 2007
Day 210 (week 44): SuperBlag
The joy of having Teflon as ThirdSix’s opponent today was that I could absolutely count on him spreading any malicious gossip that may have arisen as soon as his non-stick little wig landed back in chambers. Sure enough, come 4 p.m., we all received a blow-byblow account by email:
If it wasn’t enough that our super-clever third six pupil seduced a client at his last chambers, today it got worse. He arrived at court with completely the wrong set of papers. Pretty bad, you might think, but there was more to come. The penny suddenly dropped halfway through the hearing. But rather than stopping and ‘fessing up, he only dug his hole deeper. I assume he arrogantly thought he’d be able to blag the whole hearing off the back of the wrong papers. Which he might well have done if he wasn’t such a lousy blagger. Now I admit I have no proof of this other than his dreadful performance and the look of realisation on his face when I referred to a particular witness statement. All I can say is that this man is a danger to the public.
Tuesday 31 July 2007
Day 211 (week 44): A quiet word
‘HeadofChambers called ThirdSix in for a quiet word this morning.’ It was TopFirst gossiping over lunch. ‘How did he get on?’ ‘Denied it all, apparently. Said that Teflon was mischief-
making.’ ‘Perhaps he was.’ ‘Apparently that’s an end to it as there’s no proof either way.’ In which case the whole thing needed a helping hand. I
knew already that ThirdSix’s client had been a Brummie due to Teflon’s further reports of the hearing. So, after a little practice with the accent I made the call from a phone box and blocked the identity of the number. ‘Hello, can I please speak to the head of chambers?’
It was HeadClerk who answered, which gave me a bit of a fright. ‘Please wait whilst I see whether he is available. Who shall I say is calling?’
I gave the name of ThirdSix’s client, but it didn’t seem to ring any bells.
‘And what is your call in relation to?’
‘I was represented by ThirdSix yesterday and I am extremely unhappy with the service I received. I am a very busy man and either I speak to the head of chambers immediately and we see if we can resolve this privately or I shall simply send off a complaint to the Bar Standards Board. You choose.’
‘I see, Sir. Yes. Please wait a moment.’
Thirty seconds later and I heard the dulcet tones of HeadofChambers. ‘Er, hello. Yes. I believe you wish to talk about your case with ThirdSix? How can I help, exactly?’
‘I am very sorry to have to say this but he singularly failed in representing me yesterday.’
‘In what way, may I ask?’
‘He fought the whole thing without having any of the papers in my case.’
‘How do you know this?’
‘Because I saw the names of the parties on the various sheets of papers and they weren’t ours.’
‘Did you mention this at the time?’
‘I tried interrupting him during the hearing but he told me to be quiet. Afterwards he shook my hand and rushed off before I could say anything else.’
‘I see.’
Then I went in for the kill. ‘You see, a mistake is one thing. We all make mistakes. But about halfway through it was clear to me that he suddenly realised that he had the wrong papers. Yet still he continued. Such dishonesty reflects badly not only on the professionalism of your own chambers but of the bar as a whole.’
‘Yes, quite.’
‘Now, just so you know, I’m not at this stage interested in suing him for negligence or anything like that. It’s just that I am extremely concerned that this might happen to someone else. You do understand?’
‘I understand completely.’
‘And in those circumstances it seems I have two choices.The most obvious is to pursue a formal complaint through the Standards Board against both ThirdSix and your chambers. However, personally I would rather not get involved further and would also like to keep my solicitor out of it as he and I have become friends. Therefore, my preferred path would be to hand the matter over to you. You can then call me when it has been dealt with and I can decide whether that puts an end to it or not.’
‘That sounds eminently sensible, if I may say so.’
I then gave him the telephone number of my ‘pay as you go’ mobile phone.
CHAPTER 11
August: Showdowns
Use the conquered foe to augment one’s own strength.
Sun Tzu, The Art of War
Wednesday 1 August 2007
Day 212 (week 44): Owning up
Today ThirdSix was well and truly in the dock. It was Worrier who first told me what had happened.
‘It’s pretty terrible, BabyB. Apparently, HeadofChambers hauled him in again this morning and in no uncertain terms told him that he’d better explain exactly what went on at the hearing. He also said that if he didn’t, the whole of chambers could end up with a complaint being made against it to the Bar Standards Board.’
‘And how did he react to that?’
‘Well, eventually he owned up and admitted that he had had the wrong papers at court. But when he started suggesting that someone like TopFirst or even the clerks might have switched them, HeadofChambers interrupted him and told him that he should take responsibility for his own actions and pointed out that as soon as he realised they were the wrong papers he should have owned up. Well, as you can imagine, ThirdSix had no answer to this.’
Shame.
After that I received a call from HeadofChambers himself on the ‘pay as you go’ mobile. ‘Er, yes, this is HeadofChambers. I am pleased to say that I have now dealt with our little, er, problem.’
‘In what way, may I ask?’
‘I have formally disciplined ThirdSix and I can assure you that such an incident will never happen again. In addition, all this will be taken into account when it comes to deciding whether chambers decide to keep him on next month.’
‘I see. So you are fully satisfied that this will not be repeated with any other clients?’
‘I am.’
‘That is all I ask. Consider this an end to the matter. Good day.’
Friday 3 August 2007
Day 214 (week 44): SweatShop
Word has it that despite the fact that the Inns of Court are currently crawling with mini-pupils, there are many candidates who are still struggling to get work placements. Half as a joke, half serious, I decided to post the following on a couple of internet bulletin boards the other day: ‘Pupil barrister offers informal mini-pupillage based at Inner Temple library. Good reference guaranteed.’ I’ve already had ten applications and so I’m conducting interviews in the library this evening. Little do they know that I’ll take them all on for the next month and get them each to do some research on my behalf for a different member of chambers I am trying to impress.
Best of all, forget the minimum wage. This work comes for free.
Monday 6 August 2007
Day 215 (week 45): RackItUp
When I got up this morning I thought I was destined for a relaxing day trawling through papers.Until,that was,I arrived into chambers to be confronted by HeadClerk looking particularly serious. ‘Mr BabyBarista. I need you to get over the road to court six in twenty minutes. Million pound business dispute. Just need you to hold the fort for HeadofChambers.’
Hold the fort? Oh, the art of the understatement. So I arrived at court ten minutes early thinking I might find HeadofChambers there to give me a little background. No such luck and I rang HeadClerk to ask where I could find him.‘That’s a good question,Mr BabyBa
rista.’ He paused.‘You see, he has a case in court thirty-two and another in court twenty. Oh, and then let’s see . . . there’s another in court fiftysix.’ He paused again. ‘That’s in addition to yours.’
Now don’t get me wrong.I’d already heard about HeadofChambers’s notorious money-making scheme whereby he gets juniors to do all the work and he just turns up for at most an hour a day on each of his cases. Apparently he shows his face, makes a point of looking deep in consultation with his junior and then dashes off to the next case. That’s one thing. But what I discovered today was that his scheme falls down when one of those hard-working juniors is ill. That’s when the QC should be there to step in. Unless, that is, you’re HeadofChambers and you’re already juggling too many cases and therefore have to rely on a BabyBarista completely out of his depth. When I finally got hold of him, rushing between two of his courts, the most that I got out of him was, ‘Don’t worry, BabyB. All you have to do today is to sit tight whilst the other side cross-examine our witness. Just keep a good note. You’ll be all right.’
Which would have been OK were it not for the fact that my opponent stopped his cross-examination mid-morning. The judge knew what was going on and was not amused. I asked for an adjournment in order that I might consult with HeadofChambers.
‘Mr BabyBarista. Either you are prepared for this case, which would mean that such an adjournment would be unnecessary . . .’ He peered at me over his glasses and then continued, ‘or you are not sufficiently prepared, in which case you would be in breach of the Code of Conduct for accepting the instructions.’ He looked at me and smiled, a cruel, smug kind of smile which said everything. I was skewered. I stood up and tried to buy some time before my career came crashing to a premature end.‘Er, My Lord. Er, if it pleases the court. Er . . .’
‘Yes, Mr BabyBarista. What is it to be?’
I stumbled on a little more before my solicitor tapped me on the shoulder.I turned around and he handed me a note which said,‘No further questions. Call the next witness, Mr James.’