Amanda closed her trembling hand around the wad of paper. Pearl must have read it. “It’s not true. Not entirely.” She stopped, unable to say more.
“What’s not true?”
Oh, dear. Pearl was not going to let her off. Amanda worked the words over in her head, but they still stung. Nothing could take that away.
“I didn’t seduce Hugh.” How the word made her cheeks flame. “At least I didn’t intend to. I—I was in love with him. He promised marriage, but then—” She buried her face in her hands, ashamed that anyone, even her dearest friend in the world, should know how far she’d fallen.
“He jilted you at the altar,” Pearl finished.
Amanda shook her head, unable to look her friend in the eye. “It never got that far. I’m sorry I led you to believe it had.”
Instead of chastising her, Pearl wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “Perhaps we’d better start at the beginning.”
Tears rose to the surface and could not be stopped. Pearl had not abandoned her yet, but once she heard the full story, she would.
Amanda looked to the kitchen doorway. Mrs. Wardman had not returned. Still, the thought of revealing all that had happened, even to her dearest friend, burned a mark of shame on her soul.
“Must we?” Amanda whispered.
“I’m afraid so. The only way to move forward is to release the burdens of the past.”
Was that what she’d done? Held on to burdens? No, this wasn’t a burden. It was guilt that she deserved to bear. “I don’t think I can. I did sin.”
“No one is innocent.” Pearl brushed a tangled lock from Amanda’s brow. “Not me. Not Roland. Not even Garrett. No one.”
Amanda looked at her friend. “But some sins are worse than others.”
“Even the smallest separates us from God. Without Jesus, we would be lost.”
“I know all that, but...”
“But?”
“But I am at fault. I did not turn him away when I should have.” The words tumbled out now that the dam had begun to crack. “Hugh was so handsome, and he paid attention to me. He said I was beautiful, that I would make a fine lady one day. He promised to marry me, but asked me to keep it secret until he could convince his parents. You know how it is being an orphan. We have nothing to offer a gentleman.”
“We have our love, which is far greater than the largest fortune or finest bloodline.”
“Hugh didn’t think so.”
“I know, my darling.” Pearl hugged her close. “But that is a mark against his character, not yours.”
“But—” this was where the shame burned deep “—but I wanted to believe him, so I let him get too close. Much too close.”
Pearl stiffened.
It was all over. Now Amanda’s dearest friend had guessed her deepest secret, and all affection between them would come to an end.
Instead, Pearl grasped her shoulders and looked her in the eye. “A gentleman will stop whenever the lady tells him to do so. Did you ask him to stop?”
“Y-y-yes.” The tears flowed again. “I begged him. I pleaded. I even tried to get away, but he would not stop.” Memories of that terrible night, the horrible betrayal and the wrenching pain crashed in on her. “He wouldn’t. Oh, Pearl, he wouldn’t. He—he said I didn’t matter, that I was only an orphan and a servant, that I didn’t count, that he could take whatever he wanted.”
Pearl held her tightly as the sobs wrenched out of her while Amanda relived every moment of that terrible night.
“He pinned me. I couldn’t move. He tried... Oh, Pearl.” The sobs squeezed her throat shut. “He wouldn’t listen. If Mrs. Brighton hadn’t pounded on the door, demanding I come out, he might have...” She shuddered at the thought of what might have happened if the housekeeper hadn’t unwittingly put an end to Hugh’s actions.
Pearl held her even tighter, though Amanda felt her sigh of relief. “It’s all right,” her friend murmured.
No, it wasn’t. “Everything changed after that. Hugh treated me with contempt, denying he’d ever felt anything for me, saying he would never marry someone like me. I thought he loved me,” Amanda sobbed. “He promised. He promised.”
“I know, dearest,” Pearl whispered into her hair. “I know.”
Yet the memories would not stop tumbling over and over, reminding her of all she’d lost—innocence and trust, even hope. Hugh had told her that it was all her fault, that she’d seduced him, that she was wicked and could never amount to anything. Life had changed that night, and she would gladly have taken a loveless marriage just to keep up the appearance that she was worth something. Now, she realized just how hollow that was.
She loved Garrett. Loved Isaac and Sadie. They might leave her, but she could not stop loving them.
The sobs returned, worse than ever. “What will I do?”
Pearl just rubbed her back and let her cry.
For a long time they sat quietly by the stove, until Amanda’s tears stopped flowing and the sobs quit shaking the life out of her. Then Pearl handed her a handkerchief. Amanda wiped her eyes and nose, but nothing could wipe away the shame.
“I’m ruined,” she choked out. “Garrett will never forgive me.”
“You are not ruined. This is not your fault, and Garrett will understand that. If he doesn’t, it’s his loss. You are a child of God, cleansed white as snow by the blood of our Savior.”
“But Garrett looks at me like I’m wicked.”
“That is his problem.” Pearl squeezed her hand. “God loves you. He always has and always will.”
“How is that possible?”
“Grace.”
“But—”
“No ‘but.’ He loves you. Just as you are.”
Amanda bowed her head. “How can He after what happened?”
“He loved the woman at the well, who was living with a man who wasn’t her husband,” Pearl continued, “and the woman caught in adultery. What did He tell them?”
“Go and sin no more.”
“He also said they were forgiven, the past wiped clean. So are you. So are all of us, the moment we give our lives to Christ.”
Amanda shook her head, struggling to believe. “Then why didn’t He answer my prayers?” Or had He? Was Mrs. Brighton’s knock the answer she needed? But then why not rescue her sooner? “Why would He let such a thing happen?”
“I don’t know.” Pearl hugged her tighter. “But I do know that you did nothing wrong.”
But she had. She had. This was the part that hurt most to admit. “I wanted him to love me. Deep down I knew that I couldn’t trust his promises, but I wouldn’t listen to that warning. I let him get too close. I didn’t tell Mrs. Chatsworth. I didn’t tell anyone, because I wanted to believe someone might love me.”
“Oh, Amanda. You are loved.” Pearl tipped up her face. “You must believe that. By me. By those who truly know you, and by God, who knows every secret of your heart. You need to stop taking on this guilt.”
“Then why won’t the pain go away? I try, but I can’t stop thinking about what happened.”
“Have you forgiven this man?”
The question seared to her soul, and the tears brimmed again. “How can I?”
“With God’s help. Sometimes that’s the only way.” Pearl hugged her again. “Oh, dearest. I should have been there for you. If only I hadn’t gotten so caught up studying to become a teacher.”
“No! It’s not your fault.” Amanda would not let Pearl accept the blame. “You are not my protector. You were called to teach.”
“I should have kept in touch. These last months I should have noticed how much you were hurting.”
“I didn’t want to talk.”
“Then I should have tried harder. I could tell something was terribly wrong, and
I thought I could fix it by matching you with Garrett Decker.”
Oh, how that reminder hurt. Amanda turned her face away.
“I’m sorry,” Pearl continued. “It was wrong of me to interfere and try to push you two together.”
“You weren’t wrong. That’s what makes this so terrible.” She struggled to maintain her composure so Pearl wouldn’t feel guilty. “I love him. I truly hoped he would want to marry me, but now that’s gone. He knows.”
That was the worst part of all.
“What do you mean, ‘he knows’?”
“Garrett gave me the letter.”
“That letter?”
Amanda uncurled her fingers from around the wadded sheet of paper. “Yes.”
“Mrs. Chatsworth hinted at what happened?”
Amanda stared. Pearl truly didn’t know what Mrs. Chatsworth had written. “How did you know it came from her?”
“The envelope.”
Then she truly hadn’t read it. The very first line was all anyone needed to read. Garrett must have. Amanda smoothed out the sheet of paper and handed it to her friend.
“It’s your private letter,” Pearl protested.
Amanda pushed it into her hands. “It’s a lie, but who would believe me over Mrs. Chatsworth?”
Pearl glanced at the page. Color dotted her cheeks. “What gall! She’s no mother to you. And why would she say all that about not hiring you as a servant?”
“Before I got the job taking care of Garrett’s house, I wrote asking for a position as a maid.”
“Oh, Amanda. Why would you do such a thing?”
“You were getting married and moving on, and I can’t afford a room on my own. How could I stay here?”
“You could have asked. Mrs. Calloway told me she has every intention of keeping you on to help out around the boardinghouse in exchange for room and board.”
A ray of sun streamed through the window. “She did? She’s going to let me stay?” Even after losing the housekeeping job at Garrett’s, which would surely happen, Amanda could afford to remain in Singapore.
“Of course she is. They expect a booming year at the mill, and that means a lot more workers at the boardinghouse.”
“I can stay.”
“I certainly hope you will.” Pearl squeezed her hand. “I’d be lost without you. A lot of people would.”
Not Garrett. The thought stabbed with the pain of a sharp knife.
Pearl guided her to her feet. “Now let’s get you cleaned up. You’ll feel much better.”
Perhaps she would. Until she faced Garrett.
* * *
Each step brought a flash of pain, but Garrett no longer saw Eva’s body floating in the water. In this nightmare, when he looked across the river, it was Amanda’s purple dress and curly dark hair spread out there. Her lifeless violet eyes stared up at the winter sky.
Why did she go running off like that? Eva would disappear whenever she didn’t get her way, but Garrett had never figured Amanda for that type of woman. It had to be the letter. Roland was wrong. That accusation must be true, for Amanda to take off like that in the middle of the night.
Still, Garrett couldn’t bear the thought of her ending up like Eva. Amanda had been good to his children. Better than their own mother had.
He shook off the past and plodded a few more feet along the riverbank.
“Amanda!” He cupped his hands around his mouth, and her name echoed across the river until it died beneath the sound of rushing water.
He waited a full ten seconds, ears pricked for a reply, however weak.
“Didn’t find nothing, boss.”
Garrett had been listening so intently that the sudden words made him jump. He whipped around to see Sawyer standing some ten feet away on the path that wound down to this part of the shore.
“Get my attention first,” he growled.
“Sorry, boss.”
Garrett tugged at his hat and gloves. “Well, then, head up past the burned out school. Have Raiford walk a little upslope from you. She might be unconscious.”
“Yes, sir.” Sawyer took off at a brisk clip.
Once again Garrett was alone with his thoughts and memories. This river had claimed his wife. That had been terrible. Surely God wouldn’t make him relive that day with another woman. Not just any woman, but the one he’d planned to ask to marry him. True, it would have been in name only, but in time...
He puffed out a breath. It no longer turned into a cloud of white. The sun was warming up the earth. Maybe she had managed to survive the night.
He must cling to that hope.
His anger had sent Eva to her death. Last night he’d been upset—even angry—over the letter that he shouldn’t have read. Then he’d accused Amanda, not in words, but with his silence and actions. But what if Roland was right? What if Mrs. Chatsworth was mistaken or lying? What if Amanda was innocent?
What if she wasn’t? Garrett must protect his children. At all costs. He closed his eyes and listened again.
Nothing.
Perhaps that letter had been a warning. Perhaps it had spared all of them from more misery. If that was true, then why did his gut churn? Lack of breakfast. That must be it.
He strode forward, eyes glued to the ground. Any shrub could hide her from sight. He kicked at them and pulled aside prickly juniper and scrub pine branches. No Amanda.
Time and distance ticked by. He walked in a zigzag pattern, but found nothing to indicate she’d come this way. No footsteps or torn bits of cloth. Nothing.
“Amanda!” he called out again.
Again, only the water answered. Far off, he could hear the men calling her name. No one had found her yet. If Pearl was right, she might be anywhere between Singapore and Allegan. No, not that far. Even a hardy man couldn’t make that hike overnight. The swamps and rough terrain would slow her down, not to mention the cold.
He shivered.
Amanda was delicate. She might not have survived the night. It had been cold enough for frost to coat every blade of grass and fallen leaf. The pines had looked white in the early morning light. Now all that frost had melted away. The air warmed, but the rescue team might be too late.
He pushed onward.
The river curved up ahead, at the settlement of Saugatuck. Some thought that town would surpass Singapore and even wipe it off the map, but Garrett held to the same thinking as his brother. Singapore was situated by the river mouth. It would grow, and Saugatuck would fade away. Roland would find a way to get that glass factory back under way. Then Singapore could move forward if the timber ever gave out.
“How long are we searching, boss?” Sawyer again stood above him.
“Until we find her.” Garrett thought he’d been clear enough, but Sawyer didn’t resume the search. “Well? Get on with it.”
Sawyer shuffled his feet. “Well, you see, boss, it’s not bothering me, but the men are wondering about work. They don’t get paid to search.”
“We’re talking about a human being here, a woman.” His temper exploded. “They’ll get paid.” If he had to pay them himself.
“Thank you, boss. I’ll let ’em know.” Sawyer hurried back to rejoin the rest of the search party.
Angry and frustrated, Garrett stomped through the brush, shouting Amanda’s name. He didn’t wait for a response. He’d see her first.
The river began its slow turn, and he picked his way to the bank. From here he’d get a good view of the water, good enough to tell if a body was floating downstream.
He squinted into the rising sun, which reflected off the river’s surface. A long dark lump caught his eye, and he tensed until he realized it was a snag. Nothing else resembled a boat or a body. He let out his breath.
At least she hadn’t drowned.
Not in this stretch, anyway.
He moved forward, and the first buildings of Saugatuck came into view. The town looked much the same as Singapore, except that the streets weren’t made of sand. Saugatuck had dirt and grass. It was bigger than when he’d first arrived a half dozen years ago.
The river path widened as it joined up with the road. This was the route the students from Saugatuck took to school each day. It was a long one, and would be difficult in winter. They really needed to rebuild the schoolhouse, which had been situated between the two villages before the fire.
The growth thinned out here, and he could see his men scattered across the timbered land. They were spaced the correct distance apart. He pushed his shoulders back with pride. They were a good group who took instruction well.
Unlike Amanda. What was it with women that made them so resistant to following instructions? She seemed to understand what he was telling her, and then went and did exactly the opposite. He couldn’t count how many times her sympathy had undermined his authority with the children. Then again, she did love them.
Since the road now wound near the shore, he made better time. There wasn’t a lot of brush here. His calls still brought no response. In time he reached the foot of Saugatuck’s main street. People were out, hurrying here and there in the crisp morning air. He knew most of them and stopped to tell each one to look out for Amanda.
“She’s got dark, curly hair and violet eyes.”
“Violet?” they invariably asked, with that pitying look. Everyone knew his late wife had violet eyes.
Then Al Farmingham gave a very different answer. “Saw someone by that description at the Wardman house.”
“What? When?”
“This morning.”
Relief eased the tension from Garrett’s shoulders. “Are you certain?”
The man looked affronted. “Of course I’m certain. Now, I can’t go telling you that it was her for sure. I can only say it looked like her. The light was poor.”
“Of course.” Desperate to know the truth, Garrett bade the man farewell and hurried across town to the Wardmans’ place. A year ago, he’d come here to try to talk the man of the house into working at the Singapore sawmill rather than the Saugatuck mill. Unsuccessfully. David Wardman wanted to work close to home. No amount of money would sway him. Now Garrett understood that desire. He, too, had to be near his children.
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