Boyfriend

by Faye McCray

  “Yeah, I have to take a piss. You got a bathroom?” Chris asked looking around the room. I pointed to the back and got up, feeling more relaxed knowing they were leaving.

  “When’d you do this?” I said touching the top of her head.

  “A couple of months ago,” she said ducking from under my hand.

  “What I can’t touch your head?”

  “I’m not the same pathetic girl you ditched in New York, Nate,” she said, looking the most like her old self since she had gotten here.

  I shoved my hands in my pocket and backed away from her. “Okay.”

  Kerry stood beside me and took my hand. I looked at her for the first time and her eyes softened. Chris came out the bathroom and joined us.

  “Let’s hit the road,” Chris said clapping his hands together.

  “See you,” Natalie said as she walked to the door.

  “It was nice meeting you,” Kerry called, squeezing my hand. Natalie turned and looked from me to Kerry, to our hands, and then back at me again.

  “Yeah. Good luck with that.” She laughed, turned and walked out.

  ***

  I took the last bite of my cereal and sat back in the chair, placing my hands on my thighs. I stared out the small window in my kitchen, which overlooked the parking lot of our apartment complex. I watched as a young man unloaded a case of beer from his trunk, placing it on the curb before locking it. A woman waited for him on the sidewalk, pacing back and forth and glancing at her watch. The bright sun exploded through the cloudless sky. I sighed and chuckled to myself.

  “What?” Kerry sat at the table across from me with one leg tucked under her. She had been staring at a bottle of spring water, shaking it in her hand and watching it settle over and over again.

  “You have to have questions.”

  “I don’t know what to say,” she said shrugging.

  We said very little to one another since Natalie left and ate our breakfast in silence. It was hard for me to figure out whether she was angry or just felt sorry for me. Either way, I was not happy.

  “Okay,” I said rising to put my bowl in the dishwasher.

  “It was strange, Nate,” she began. “I mean, if you wanted me to know about the stuff she was talking about, you would have told me before she got here.”

  I slammed the dishwasher shut harder than I had intended and Kerry jumped. “It’s just a bunch of shit that doesn’t matter anymore.” I leaned back against the sink and folded my arms across my chest.

  “How could your past not matter?” she asked visibly upset. “How could your family not matter?”

  “It just doesn’t.”

  “It just makes me feel like…” she trailed.

  “What?”

  “I just can’t help but to feel like I don’t know you. Like your hiding things,” she concluded.

  “Hiding things?”

  “I mean, ‘blazed out of his mind’,” she repeated, imitating my sister’s dry cadence.

  “It’s the past, Kerry.”

  “I tell you so much, Nate. About my family. About my Dad. You say so little when there is so much.”

  “What do you want to know?” I asked sitting back down next to her.

  “What do you want to tell me?”

  “I can’t play this game with you, Kerry.” I could feel myself growing angry. She was looking for an excuse to be mad about something that had nothing to do with her.

  “I’m not the one playing games, Nate,” she huffed. “You lie about your past, your family… I mean, you even lied about meeting Jayna.”

  “Jayna?” I said laughing.

  “I’m not laughing, Nate.”

  “What does Jayna have to do with anything?” I said raising my voice. I paused trying to calm myself. “My dad’s an alcoholic, Kerry.” The words tasted sour on my tongue. Suddenly what I had struggled so hard to hide was in the room with us. Sitting in between us. Souring what had been sweet. I watched her face grow solemn and it made me angry.

  “I didn’t know that.”

  “No, you didn’t.” I could see the color drain from her face, and the tears begin to well up in her eyes. “But tell me, what does that shit have to do with us?”

  “I could have…” she started.

  “What?” I yelled. “Could have what, Kerry? Helped? Saved me? I saved myself.”

  She shook her head, tears forming in the corner of her eyes. “No…” she started again. It was hard seeing her like this, but the more emotional she became, the angrier I felt myself getting.

  “Then, what, Kerry? As far as I am concerned, none of that matters. What good would it have done for us if you knew that my high school years were a cloud of smoke? Or that my fucking mother practically checked out?” I asked, spitting each syllable, raising my voice louder and leaning closer. “You want to know how the only person that ever told me they loved me is dead?”

  She shook her head. “I’m sorry, Nate.” She reached for me and I pushed her arms away.

  “I don’t need you to feel sorry for me, Kerry.” I didn’t want her sympathy. I didn’t want her concern. She thought she was better than me. All this time I thought it, but now she knew it too. “Besides, I am not the only one hiding things, Kerry.”

  “What?” Her head snapped back, surprised.

  “You don’t think I’ve noticed how you’re going out of your way to avoid introducing me to your parents?”

  “Nate…”

  “You’re terrified of them meeting me, Kerry. You can fuck me all over D.C. but no one can know about me.”

  “Nate, you know that’s not true,” she began, the tears flowing freely down her face.

  “For all I know, you’re still with the dude from the picture.”

  “What picture? My ex?” She laughed through her tears.

  “Now you’re laughing?” I asked. “Yeah, you’ve been in a real hurry to go back home these days.”

  “Really, Nate?” She shook her head. “Why’re you so insecure about him? Why’re you still thinking about him?” Her words getting louder as her sadness turned to anger. “After everything we have done and been through, why would you bring him up?”

  “You had his picture up.”

  “I can’t believe this is even happening,” she mumbled to herself burying her hands in her face for a brief moment. “Nate… I shared things with you I never shared with him.”

  “Oh, yeah?”

  “Yes.” Kerry reached for my hands and tried to look me in the eyes.

  “You mean fucking me?” I laughed. “You sure seemed like a pro at that, Kerry.”

  I regretted it the moment it came out of my mouth.

  Her head whipped back as if I had smacked her. She got up clutching her water bottle in her hand and threw it at me. It bounced off my chest and landed on the floor beside me, the water splashing out at my feet.

  “Fuck you, Nate!” She grabbed her backpack and bounded towards the door. I had never heard her curse, the words sounded foreign coming from her mouth.

  I ran towards the door grabbing her arm, and she pulled away, yanking the door open, I grabbed her again. “I’m sorry, baby.”

  “Let me go, Nate.” She struggled to free herself from my tightening grip. Just then, Phil came sauntering towards the door. He smiled but noticing the serious look on our faces, his expression grew solemn.

  “Is everything okay?” he asked concerned, looking more at Kerry than me. I released her arm.

  “Fine,” she said looking at him. “I’m leaving.” She pushed past him and walked away. I started to follow.

  “Whoa,” Phil said stopping me. I pushed him hard and backed away. “What’s wrong with you?” he said walking in and looking around at the turned over chair and the spilled water bottle.

  “My sister came by.”

  “That explains so much.” Phil picked up the chair and dropped a paper towel on the spilled water.

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Okay,”
he said raising his arms in defense.

  We stood in silence for a moment.

  “Well,” he began after a moment as he reached in his pocket. “I have some treats from the ice cream man.” He held up a dime bag of weed. I had not smoked since I started dating Kerry. The wall clock in the living room read 12:13pm. I had a class at 1pm. Fuck it. I took the bag from him. He laughed.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Phil and I polished off the bag, did a few shots of Absolute and drank a six-pack of beer by 9pm. I tried calling and texting Kerry over ten times before Phil threatened to throw my phone in our trash compactor. She was refusing to pick up, and Phil warned that I was too drunk and high to speak to her even if she had. I initially refused when Phil first suggested we go out, but I knew if I stayed I would keep drinking.

  When we arrived at the party, I could barely see straight. I grabbed a bottle of water from the bar and posted up against the wall listening to the music and watching people dance around the packed club. Phil immediately started chatting up a group of girls.

  “This is Nate,” Phil said pointing in my direction. I nodded struggling to focus on their faces.

  “What’s wrong with him?” One girl asked staring in my face.

  What’s wrong with me? My eyes were blurring over and I smiled widely in an attempt to look normal.

  “Stop smiling like that, Nate,” Phil said, leaning in and patting me on the back. “Drink some more water.” I drank another gulp and shook my head trying to shake off the effects of a day of drinking and getting high.

  “Nate?” a voice said. I turned to see Jayna facing me holding a cocktail. She was wearing a short and tight blue strapless dress and very high black heels. Her curls were loose around her face.

  “Hi,” she said pressing her hand against my chest and kissing my cheek. I tried my best to keep looking in her eyes but her body was practically popping out of her dress. She caught me looking at her breasts and laughed. I looked away quickly. Sober up, I told myself. As far as I was concerned, Jayna was part of the problem. I didn’t want to make it worse.

  “Kerry told me what happened,” she said trying to be heard over the music. “Bad boy,” she sang wagging her finger.

  I took a sip of my water looking into her eyes. Her playfulness was unexpected. I knew she was a flirt, but I thought she would be at least slightly angry with me for the way I treated Kerry.

  I shrugged. “I tried to apologize but she won’t pick up.”

  She said something, but I could not hear her over the music. She leaned in closer. “She’s on her way to her parents,” she said again. I nodded, wondering if Kerry was telling her parents what happened. I pictured her father comforting her and telling her how he knew all along that I was not who she thought I was.

  We were silent for a moment watching the party. Jayna polished off her cocktail as I finished my water. She swayed to the music, occasionally looking at me and smiling.

  “You don’t like me,” she said, sounding more like a statement than a question.

  I looked down at her and shrugged.

  “Wow,” she said with a little laugh. “Why?”

  “I don’t know you, Jayna,” I began, feeling slightly more sober. She pouted.

  “Do you want to?” she asked, her voice light and sweet.

  “You’re Kerry’s friend. If she still wants to be with me, of course I want to know her friend.” I tried to sound as casual as possible avoiding looking at her and fighting the undeniable attraction I had begun to feel.

  “I love this song,” she said resting her glass on a table behind me. She began dancing to the music and looking at me.

  “Shit, Nate,” she said stopping. “You look like your puppy just died.”

  I laughed.

  “She’ll get over it.” She smiled. “I promise,” she added, her eyes widening with innocence.

  She began dancing again in front of me taking my hands and moving them to the music. I looked over at Phil who was watching me smiling. I shook my head to stop him from getting the wrong idea. He smiled wider.

  Jayna danced in front of me as I bobbed my head to the beat. She moved slowly at first allowing her dress to ride up on her thighs. She caught me looking and put her hands on the hem, toying with it as she danced in a way that made it look as though she was going to pull it up. Jayna was sexy. There was nothing apologetic about the way she moved her body, she knew every angle and curve. I watched as guys around me checked her out and other girls frowned and whispered to each other. So did she and she loved it.

  With each beat of the music, Jayna moved closer to me until she was inches in front of me. I could feel the heat from her body. Unable to stop myself, I placed my hand on her waist and pulled her a little closer. Just that touch sent a thrill through my body. She looked up at me surprised but moved with me keeping my hand against her waist and turning so her back pressed against me. I put my other hand on her other side gently pulling her closer into me, allowing her to grind against me as we moved to the beat.

  It’s just a dance, I tried to rationalize. Even if this got back to Kerry, it’s just a dance.

  Dance or not, I could still feel myself getting excited. I watched her ass as she moved slowly against my tip. She knew exactly what she was doing. She leaned closer into me reaching her arm up and back, so her palm rested on my neck. I wrapped my arm around her waist and leaned my head down, my face near hers. She leaned back, her mouth inches from mine. I looked into her eyes, and she leaned closer. I wanted to kiss her. She wanted me to kiss her. I wanted to take her home, and I found myself wondering if she would let me. This was dangerous, and I knew I had to stop.

  I laughed and pulled away, running my hand over my hair. She shrugged and smiled, the playfulness still burning in her eyes. She sauntered off through the crowd leaving me by the wall.

  “PLEASE tell me you’ve either hooked up with her before, are going to hook up with her in the future, or are okay with me hooking up with her,” Phil said walking up beside me with a bottle of water in his hand.

  “None of the above.” My mind was still reeling from what had just happened.

  Phil looked at me confused.

  “That’s Jayna.”

  “Okay?”

  “Kerry’s best friend.”

  “Shit!”

  I took the bottle from his hand and took a big swig wondering what I had just started.

  ***

  On Sunday afternoon, Kerry called on her way back to school asking if I could pick her up from the bus terminal so we could talk. I had no idea what to expect. I spent most of the weekend drunk and as I made the painfully sober drive to the bus terminal, all I could think of was how much I had fucked up. I could still see her face as she watched Natalie with an odd mix of fear and curiosity. For a moment after Natalie left, I was sure Kerry had looked at me the same way.

  As if the jagged pill of my reality wasn’t enough, I also worried that the dance I had shared with Jayna had somehow gotten back to Kerry. It was clear from the way Jayna moved, she was sending me an invitation. It was just as clear how badly I had wanted to accept.

  As Kerry approached me standing outside of Phil’s car, I lowered by head and shoved my hands in my pockets.

  All good things end.

  I needed to man up and be prepared to move on.

  Kerry clutched her red duffel bag in her hand as she approached and ran her fingers through her hair. “Hi,” she said.

  “Hey.”

  “Nate…” she started.

  “Kerry, I’m sorry.” I took a step closer to her. “I’m so fucking sorry.” I took my hands out of my pocket. “I shouldn’t have lied. I shouldn’t have gotten so pissed off…”

  She placed her duffle bag on the ground beside us, reached out, and touched my face. “I know.”

  Encouraged, I pulled her to me. “I fucked up.”

  She nodded, wrapping her hands around my waist. “You could’ve told me, Nate. I love you. Nothing in your past c
ould change that.”

  I cupped her face in my hands and kissed her lips. I didn’t want her to talk about my past. Knowing it was enough. Kerry was sweet and everything about my life in Queens was bitter. She wanted to know more; her curiosity squeezed me tighter than her embrace and poured from every pause in her kiss. She wanted to feel what it was like. Take the journey to when I was ten years old and living in that dirty apartment. She wanted to take naps with me on my old stained mattress and hold my hand while I ate jellybeans for breakfast. She had questions that I never wanted to answer. It was bad enough that she knew. I didn’t want to go back.

  “I love you,” she murmured in my chest. I ran my hands up and down her arms.

  “I love you too.”

  She smiled up at me and pulled me back into a kiss. Despite the cool air that blew around us, I could feel my palms grow sweaty.

  It all scared me.

  Her kiss. Her touch. Her acceptance.

  “I won’t hurt you either, Nate,” she whispered as if hearing my thoughts. I kissed her back wondering how that could possibly be true.

  ***

  That evening, Kerry spent the night at my place. Phil went out to a party, so we had the place to ourselves. She spent most of the early evening flitting around cleaning up using cleaning products I didn’t even know we had. When she finally sat down beside me on the couch, she smelled like bleach, and her hairline was damp with sweat. I kissed her on the forehead and pulled her to me so I hugged her from behind.

  “I can’t believe you did all this,” I said looking around the apartment. “Thank you, baby.”

  She pulled out of my embrace and laughed. “You think all this was for you?”

  “It wasn’t?”

  “You and Phil are nasty. I couldn’t sleep here with it looking the way it did.”

  I laughed. “Is that right?”

  She nodded, smiling.

  She leaned back into me and pulled my arms around her and running her fingers up and down my forearms. “This must’ve taken forever.” She stared at the tattoo sleeves on each of my arms.

  “It wasn’t all at once.”