by Faye McCray
Mr. Wallace smiled. “I had a good friend in college like you,” he began. “Remember Robert Stubbs, Evelyn?” he asked, looking at Kerry’s mother. Mrs. Wallace smiled, and they both laughed.
Like me? He didn’t even know me.
“Rob’s father showed up for our freshmen orientation drunk. Man… Rob was humiliated. His father was running around in a dirty sweat suit, hitting on the freshmen girls,” he continued.
“And their mothers,” Mrs. Wallace chimed in giggling. I still didn’t understand what was so funny.
“What ever happened to Rob?” Mr. Wallace asked.
“He dropped out,” Kerry’s mother answered.
“That’s right,” Mr. Wallace continued shaking his head, trying his best to look serious. “He dropped out after second year.” He and Mrs. Wallace began laughing again.
“What’s so funny?” Jayna asked. I was glad someone did.
“Oh, Evelyn had the biggest crush on him,” Mr. Wallace said with a smile. Kerry smiled, finally looking at me.
“That was before I knew…” Mrs. Wallace began, stopping herself. “That is before he dropped out.”
“Why’d he drop out?” I asked feeling brave.
“He developed a problem with drinking, too,” Mr. Wallace said.
I should’ve seen that one coming.
“I’m sure you know how these things go, Nate. It’s in your blood,” Kerry’s father continued.
I dropped my head feeling myself getting angry. The only thing my father and I shared was a name. Kerry’s father knew nothing about me, and now he was trying to predict my future. Who did this asshole think he was?
“With all due respect, Mr. Wallace,” I began, spitting my words and feeling my voice raise. Kerry squeezed my leg under the table.
“My mother is an alcoholic,” Jayna chimed in staring at Mr. Wallace. “And I’m fine.” She didn’t break her stare. “Sometimes circumstances make people alcoholics, not genes.”
Mr. Wallace took the napkin off his lap and placed it on his plate. He caught me looking at him and looked away. Something about this topic had begun to make him feel uncomfortable. I figured he hadn’t realized how the game he was playing had also affected Jayna. I looked over at Jayna feeling both surprised at her admission and grateful that she was able to stop me from saying something I would regret. Our eyes met and for a brief moment, it felt like I could see her battle scars and she could see mine.
“I thought she stopped, Jayna,” Kerry’s mother said. For the first time, I saw some warmth in her.
“Well, you know, Mrs. Wallace.” Jayna lowered her eyes. “It’s always going to be a struggle for her.”
“But the point is,” Kerry started. “Just because your parents are alcoholics, doesn’t mean you have to be one.” She completely missed the point. Mr. Wallace ran his hand over her hair and smiled.
“Well, I wish we could actually stay for dessert, but we have a long ride ahead of us in the morning,” Mr. Wallace said abruptly. He pulled out an American Express card and waved it for the waiter who rushed over to take it.
I was relieved that the evening was ending. Kerry and I needed to talk. She looked over at me and gave me an uneasy smile. I looked away and watched as the waiter brought back Mr. Wallace’s card.
“Say your goodnights, honey, we’re going to have the valet bring the car around,” Mr. Wallace said to Kerry as he and Mrs. Wallace rose from the table. “Jayna, do you need a ride anywhere?”
Jayna stood up and began to gather her things. “The campus shuttle stops a few blocks from here so I’m okay.” Kerry’s father gave her a short hug and Mrs. Wallace gave her a kiss on the cheek.
“Nice meeting you, Nate,” Mr. Wallace said in my direction. I nodded.
“Yes,” Mrs. Wallace said curtly. “We’ll see you in the car, sweetie.” She touched Kerry’s hand as she turned to walk away.
Caught off guard, I looked at Kerry. “You’re riding back with them?”
She shrugged. “They got me a room in the hotel. It’s a long drive back to Connecticut,” she repeated.
“Okay,” I said. I just wanted the night to be over.
“Nate, what do you want me to do?” she whined.
“Nothing.”
Jayna stood by the table awkwardly. “Well, guys, I’m going to head out.”
I looked over at her. “You’re getting the shuttle, right?” I asked.
“Yep.”
“Me too.” I looked back at Kerry. She looked from me to Jayna. For a brief moment, I saw a hint of panic enter her eyes.
“You can always come by the hotel after my parents go to sleep,” she said smiling. She wrapped her arms around my waist. I took her arms off of me and placed them by her sides. She looked at Jayna, embarrassed.
I kissed her forehead trying to mask my anger. “I don’t want you to be tired for your drive.”
She looked up and kissed me with an intensity that was clearly for Jayna’s benefit. It was sloppy. Jayna chuckled and looked away. Kerry and I had never felt so off.
“Call me when you get in,” Kerry called as Jayna and I walked off to the shuttle stop.
***
Jayna and I walked to the shuttle stop in silence. I could tell she was just as heavy with Mr. Wallace’s words as I was. A part of me wanted to thank her for being my only ally, another part of me wanted to pretend the whole thing didn’t happen. I plopped down on the curb, and Jayna leaned against a streetlight as we waited for the shuttle. The night had begun to grow cool, and the streetlight illuminated her skin. From where I sat, I could see tiny goosebumps begin to form along her arms. We caught eyes for a moment, and I looked away, still consumed with my thoughts of Kerry, the plans we had for the summer and meeting her parents.
I was embarrassed.
I was embarrassed that I allowed myself to feel the things I felt, care the way I did, and think I could be anything more than who I was. I started to wonder if Kerry’s father had been right. I pictured him and Mrs. Wallace having a good laugh at the hotel at that very moment. They were probably butt-bumping and congratulating themselves on dodging a bullet. I imagined they were hoping the young man from Kerry’s picture was still available and hoping he wouldn’t be too turned off by Kerry’s indiscretions. I ran my hands over my head and sighed. Jayna walked over and sat beside me on the curb.
“Is it too ironic to say I could really use a drink right now?” she said laughing.
I erupted in laughter, partly because of the irony, but mostly because of how tight I had felt until that moment. I looked back at where she sat and smiled. She smiled back, running her hands through her hair and leaning back against her palms.
“Man…” I drifted, taking another heavy breath.
“You didn’t expect it to go well, did you?”
“I didn’t expect anything,” I said a little more harshly than I anticipated. We were silent.
“Seriously, we have about…” she said, pulling her cell phone out of her jean pocket. “Forty-three…forty-two minutes before the next shuttle. There’s a bar just a few blocks from here. We can grab a quick drink.”
I looked at her considering her offer. I pictured Kerry waiting for my call in her hotel room, her parents’ story about Rob Stubbs replaying in her mind. I stood up and looked down at where Jayna sat. She looked up at me and smiled.
“Lead the way,” I said.
***
Passport was a small bar, tucked away in a questionable part of D.C. that was notorious for two-drink specials and dollar shots. It wasn’t known to many students, so it was also a place to get away when you felt like being someone other than a college student. I was surprised Jayna knew about it.
When we arrived, it was nearly empty. There was a group of older guys seated at the bar, and a couple intimately posted up against a wall swaying to the music. The bar was dimly lit and despite the smoking ban that had been issued years earlier, the smell of smoke still lingered in the air. Jayna and I grabbed two stoo
ls at the corner of the bar. She ordered us three rounds of Tequilla shots and lime.
“Whoever drinks their three first, wins.” She placed three shot glasses in front of me and three in front of her.
“Wins what?”
She snickered and guzzled hers first. Not one to lose, I followed suit, letting the warm liquor travel down my throat and into my chest. The burn felt good and familiar. I could feel that comforting ease take over my body and my anger subside. She smiled and sucked on her lime. I couldn’t help but watch her lips as she sucked. She caught me staring at her and licked the remaining lime juice from her lips. I laughed and shook my head. She was a flirt. Despite the alcohol running through my body, I knew we were hovering close to a line. But I couldn’t help but fantasize about crossing it. Jayna picked up another piece of lime and offered it to me. I sucked the lime and in unison, we did our second shot.
“So good.” She closed her eyes and let her head fall back. I could tell she was feeling her drink too.
“You have no idea,” I said, speaking more to myself than to her. I tossed my last shot back, and she did the same.
“Damn!” she said raising one arm and bouncing up and down. “I love Tequilla!” she shouted.
“Yeah!” a guy yelled from across the bar. We laughed.
She stared at me for a moment and bit her lower lip.
“What?” I asked.
“I just don’t get it,” she said shaking her head.
“Get what?”
“I just don’t understand why you are trying so hard to be with her.”
Surprised, I struggled to respond.
“I love Kerry,” she started.
“Really?”
“Really,” she retorted. “That’s why I’m sure you have to know that she would never allow herself to end up with you.”
“Wow.”
She pouted. “I mean, I think you’re great... cute… sexy…” she continued tugging playfully at the hem of my shirt.
I laughed.
“But Kerry’s family has had her whole life planned out for her since she was born. Since before she was born. Trust me when I say, the story never involved some guy from the hood.” She chuckled and continued, “Be real, Nate, your story never involved some chick from Connecticut either.”
“I never really thought about it.”
“It just pisses me off to watch you try so hard to be a part of her world.” She turned and flagged down the bartender. “You want a beer?” she asked turning to me.
I nodded. “Don’t you mean your world? You’re in it too, right?”
“Kerry’s parents are philanthropists, Nate. I might as well be another cause,” she said. The hurt was apparent in her eyes.
“So, what am I missing with you and Kerry’s folks?” I asked seeing this as an opportunity to delve a little deeper into why Jayna held so much resentment toward them. Our eyes met, and she looked down. “There seemed to be some love there, not just charity,” I continued. “And shit, even Kerry couldn’t put her father in check the way you did at the restaurant.”
“I have no idea what you mean.” She smiled coyly.
“We don’t have to talk about it,” I relented. The bartender put the two beers in front of us.
“Cheers,” Jayna breathed, taking a sip. I nodded and took a big gulp of mine. “I make Kerry’s Dad nervous,” she offered after a moment. Her face was relaxed, and her eyelids looked like they had grown heavier. She smirked and pulled her hair into one big twist over her left shoulder.
“He’s nervous?” I was definitely feeling the effects of the alcohol.
“I make him nervous,” she repeated.
“I could see that.” I stared again at her lips and then down her body.
“Not like that.” She snickered. “Let’s just say, I don’t have him on the same pedestal Kerry does. The same one you do,” she added.
I laughed. “Ouch.”
She smiled. I watched her as she drank her beer, keeping her eyes on me and studying my reaction. I wasn’t sure if Jayna was trying to spare me or hurt Kerry, but Kerry and her parents were feeling further and further away and I liked that feeling.
Forgetting what we were talking about, I leaned in closer to her. “So, what do I win?” I said, unable to keep my eyes from wandering once again to her low-cut shirt.
“What?” she asked confused. “Oh.” She smiled. “Did you finish first?”
I nodded.
“Why do I have a feeling I know exactly what kind of prize you like?” she asked. She ran her hands through her hair again and took another sip of her beer.
“I’m pretty sure you do.” I took the beer from her and placed it on the bar. I was tired of playing games. My attraction to her was evident, a fact I had known since I laid eyes on her in the black bikini in the picture on Kerry’s wall. From the moment I met her, it was clear she felt the same way. For the first time, I allowed myself to fully drink her in, from her wild hair, to her low-cut shirt, to her curvy body in her tight jeans. The alcohol hadn’t made me forget that she was Kerry’s best friend, but suddenly, I didn’t give a fuck. I could see in her eyes she didn’t either. She smirked and stared at my lips.
“So cute,” she whispered, touching my chin.
I ran my finger down the middle of her chest, feeling bold and careless. Her breaths quickened and I leaned closer to her. I knew there was no turning back if we crossed this line. Or maybe there was already no turning back. She leaned closer with a smile in her eyes. She was ready. Just then my phone vibrated in my pocket. I didn’t even have to look to know who it was.
“You should get that,” Jayna said, still staring into my eyes. I stared back, considering ignoring the call. I slipped the phone out of my pocket and answered it.
“Hey, baby,” I answered.
“Hi,” Kerry said. “Are you home?”
“No, I stopped off to grab a quick drink,” I replied, still looking at Jayna. I wasn’t going to lie if she asked if Jayna was with me, but I wasn’t going to offer either.
We were silent.
“I just want you know how sorry I am about how things went tonight,” she said.
I watched as Jayna looked away and took a sip of her beer.
“Sorry about what?” I asked standing and turning away from Jayna.
“Sorry for my parents. Sorry for the way I treated you. Sorry I didn’t defend you to them,” she started. “I know I act like a five-year old around them.”
I hadn’t expected her to apologize but I was still angry.
“Baby, I can barely hear you in here and it’s late,” I started. “Let’s talk in the morning when both of our heads are clear.”
She was silent for a moment. “Okay.”
“I just need to think about some things,” I continued.
“Okay,” she repeated. “I love you,” she said quickly.
“You too,” I said, hitting the off button on my phone. I slipped the phone in my pocket and took a deep breath before I turned back to Jayna. As much as I was enjoying where things were heading, I wondered if I should say goodnight to her before things went too far. I turned around and surprisingly, she was no longer beside me. The bar had grown slightly more crowded as the night went on but it was clear she wasn’t there.
“Did you see where the girl I was with went?” I shouted to the bartender when he looked my way.
“She closed out the tab and left,” he said, pouring vodka and orange juice into a small glass.
I scanned the bar again and sat back down. “Let me get one of those,” I said, throwing down my card, wondering just how many drinks it would take to forget this whole night had ever happened.
CHAPTER TEN
Kerry and I made up. Sort of. She called, she apologized, and I didn’t talk about it anymore. She said she would visit her first weekend away. However, when the weekend came, she decided to stay in New York. She explained that everyone, including the other interns, knew that her father was a partner at th
e firm and had pulled strings to get her the job. In order to be taken seriously, she decided to hang around and attend a weekend deposition on Long Island. What she said made sense, but I just assumed it was just another way for her to widen the distance between us.
Kerry invited me to visit her in New York, but I made excuses. Between work and my class schedule, it wouldn’t be smart, I explained. She understood. Truth was I stopped going to class regularly about two weeks after she left. As hard as I tried to resist partying with Phil, I was back to getting high and drinking every night almost immediately.
Phil was happy to have his wingman back. About a week before summer break started, Phil’s mother had called looking for his father. Apparently, his father had told her he was spending the weekend at our apartment but never actually showed up. Phil covered for his dad, and when he finally got in touch with him, his father made up some bullshit about needing some time to himself. Phil almost believed him until he heard a woman’s voice in the background. Faced with the choice of covering for his dad or hurting his mother, he chose to lie. However, judging by the amount of mind-altering activities he had engaged in since then, I knew it wasn’t as easy choice.
Phil’s relationship with his parents had always been complicated. He had been adopted when he was three months old but didn’t find out until he was thirteen. He was home alone and had spent all afternoon making it his mission to find his father’s stash of porn. With half of his body buried behind his mother’s shoes and dresses, he pulled out a brown accordion file filled with papers documenting the adoption of a baby boy. It took him hours of looking at the papers before he was able to admit to himself that he was the adopted baby boy.
“I was wishing and hoping that they were holding some adopted kid hostage in the basement,” he joked.
Phil didn’t tell his parents what he knew until he was 16. He was partly afraid of getting into trouble for snooping, but he was more afraid of hurting them. When he told them, his mother cried, naturally fearful she had somehow disappointed him. His father apologized profusely for keeping such a big secret. Phil forgave them both.
Although Phil told me the story with a nonchalant carelessness typical of Phil, I could tell it affected him. One Saturday during our first year of college, when we were high and munching on Utz’s potato chips, he asked me what kind of people could hide such a serious secret. His mouth was full of chips, and his eyes were hanging low. I shrugged.
