by Faye McCray
“Just think about it, man,” he continued. “What if I never looked in that closet? I would still be walking around thinking I was someone entirely different.”
I shook my head, taking a gulp of my Corona, feeling slightly impatient with his sob story. “You don’t know what kind of shit they saved you from,” I began, my head heavy with my own memories. “Most people would give anything for your parents. Adopted or not.”
I lit up again, puffed and passed. He nodded, sucked in a long drag and collapsed back on the couch.
Phil handled his father’s potential infidelity with the same sort of numbness. I could tell it affected him, but rather than admit that it did or confront his parents, he held onto it. As if it were his burden to bear. As if they were somehow unaware of their own lies.
One weekend shortly after Kerry left, he came home blazed on another level. He had smoked a dime bag of what I was sure was weed cut with something else. He ran back and forth around the living screaming about a fire until he passed out on our couch. I dragged him to his room and placed him on his side to be sure he wouldn’t choke on his own vomit. The blonde girl he had brought home with him watched in disgust as I wiped the drool pooling under his cheek.
“What’s wrong with him?” she asked, her face scrunched in disgust.
“What the fuck’s wrong with you?” I snapped. “You came home with him.” Before she could speak, Phil sat up, surprising us both and laughing hysterically. Just as quickly as he started to laugh, his face grew serious, and he started to gag.
“No! No! Bathroom!” I yelled.
Too late.
He threw up at my feet.
“Oh my God, eww…” the blonde shrieked, turning and bolting towards the door. I looked down at the vomit, stepping out of it slowly.
This fucker was going to owe me.
Phil leaned back on the couch, his eyes heavy, and a dumb smile spread across his face. “You’re like my brother, man,” he said, his words sounding like they were in slow motion. I shook my head and headed to the kitchen to grab every paper towel we had.
After embarrassing himself in front of the hot blonde, Phil reassessed, and decided the summer had gotten off to the wrong start. He somehow convinced himself that his father had made a onetime mistake and there was no need to worry about something that would likely never happen again.
I couldn’t help but think he was wrong.
***
Watching me on my own slower journey towards self-sabotage, Phil started worry about the path I was going down. He knew about Kerry’s last minute decision to leave and my not-so-warm introduction to her parents. He liked Kerry, and despite getting his wingman back, he thought she was good for me.
“Nate, this whole situation has you acting like one of those skinny girls that thinks she’s fat,” he said one morning when he was about to head out to his internship. It was about three weeks since Kerry had left. I had just ignored a text from her asking me to give her a call and was debating whether to go to my early class. Phil stood facing me with his arms apart, as if he was preaching some really deep shit.
“I have no clue what you’re talking about,” I responded, pouring myself another bowl of cereal.
I was already late, I thought, adding to my mental checklist reasons why I shouldn’t go.
“I mean, you act like you’re holding a “Feed Me” sign on Florida Avenue,” he explained. I laughed. “I know you had a shitty past but you’re in college, man. You aren’t stupid. You aren’t ugly. If you stopped seeing yourself as a fuck up, maybe you’d realize not everyone sees you as one,” he concluded. I sat back in my seat and watch him as bounded out the door holding a frosted Pop-Tart.
He sure knew how to ruin a perfectly good bowl of cereal.
If I were honest with myself, I knew Phil was partially right. I did see myself as a fuck-up, but it was a fact that most of the people in my life saw me as one too. Phil’s knowledge of my family was limited. I had finally admitted that my Dad was an alcoholic after my run-in with Kerry’s parents but I had spared him the details. He didn’t know anything about the neglect… the abuse… and most importantly, he didn’t know anything about what I had walked away from.
I was convinced it was only a matter of time before Kerry saw me for exactly who I knew I was.
I glanced back at Kerry’s text: Call me. I miss you. I looked at my missed calls and realized I had ignored Kerry’s last four calls. She was trying. She had been calling me daily since she left, and she would send me multiple text messages throughout the day. I rarely responded, and when I did, she would inevitably plead with me to come see her or complain about missing me. I felt the same way but I resented her for putting us in that position. With her away, it was easy for me to act like I didn’t care.
Face to face, I knew it wouldn’t be so easy.
***
That night, I worked the late shift at the bookstore. Phil picked me up, so we could head straight to a house party off campus. I ignored two more of Kerry’s calls and decided I would call her in the morning. I wanted to get drunk and wash away my thoughts. I didn’t want to have another phone call about how miserable we should both feel because we were apart.
Phil had been excited about the house party all week. Ana, the girl who was throwing it, went to a neighboring college and was also interning with him. He had been talking about her nonstop since they had met. He kept calling Ana a “bombshell.” In Phil’s world, that meant raven hair, olive skin, a huge rack and the “sexiest green eyes” he had ever seen. I had listened to Phil obsess over the way her work skirts fit over her “perfect ass” and how she was also smart and funny.
“A rare find for a girl so hot,” he had said.
When she invited him to her house party, he wouldn’t shut up about it. They had flirted innocently, but this was Phil’s opportunity to take things to another level without being accused of sexual harassment.
When we arrived at Ana’s house, we could hear the music blasting as soon as we got out of the car. I wondered how long it would be before someone called the police to complain. Like many homes rented by students in D.C., Ana lived in a row home in a neighborhood in transition. The house two doors down was boarded up and vacant, the house next door to that had solar panels on the roof and a Mercedes in the driveway.
We rang the bell once before the raven beauty opened the door. She was wearing a short and tight white dress. I knew it was Ana because all Phil could muster was “Oh my God.” I had never seen him so unglued. She laughed and hugged him tight.
“Hi Phillip,” she said pulling away.
“You look amazing,” Phil said, unable to break his stare. She blushed. It was clear she was into him, too.
“I’m Nate,” I said extending my hand.
“Ana,” she said smiling and taking my hand. “Come in,” she continued gesturing for us to come in past the threshold.
When we entered, Ana led us down a dimly-lit long and narrow corridor. The floors were a dark cherry wood, and the walls were painted a deep ‘70s yellow. There were pairs of women’s shoes everywhere, and a pile of textbooks leaned against the wall. At the end of the corridor, we made a turn and were instantly surrounded by a crowd of people holding paper cups, sweating and dancing closely. The pungent smell of weed traveled through the air. Phil whispered something in Ana’s ear, and she giggled. She took his hand and led him away. He turned back to me grinning wildly before they rounded a corner. All I could do was laugh.
I found the kitchen and poured myself some beer from a keg. I sat for a moment drinking the beer and looking at my cell phone considering calling Kerry.
“Hey,” a voice said. I looked up and Jayna stood beside me. She had her hair pulled back in a messy pony tail, and she was wearing a floral sundress and flats, an unusual choice for this type of party.
“Hi,” I said surprised.
“So, I try my hardest to avoid you and you show up at my house?” she asked, laughing.
“Y
our house?”
“Well, my friend Ana’s house,” she corrected. “I’m subletting a room for the summer while her roommate is away, and the dorms are closed.”
“Oh, okay.” I said, chuckling. “So, you’ve been avoiding me, huh?” I continued. “Why’s that?”
She smiled. “Do you have to ask?”
“I think we’re fine when we aren’t drinking,” I joked. We laughed.
“Have you heard from Kerry?” I said after a moment.
“A few days ago,” she began. “She’s been really busy.”
“Yup.”
Just then a group of people came bounding into the kitchen laughing and talking loudly. Jayna and I caught eyes. She smiled. I smiled back.
“I just came down here for some water. Do you want to go somewhere quieter?”
I nodded.
***
Jayna’s room was located on the top floor of the house. I walked in and she closed the door behind us. She leaned against the door and watched me as I walked around slowly. Her room was decorated similarly to her and Kerry’s dorm room except it was much bigger, and the room looked bare with only her small amount of belongings. Her full-size bed was unmade and covered in clothes and open textbooks. Noticing this, Jayna rushed over to close the text books and bundle up the discarded clothes and put them in an empty laundry basket by the window.
“I’m messy,” she said laughing.
“Me too,” I said looking at a small stuffed teddy bear sitting on top of her dresser. I recognized it from her and Kerry’s dorm.
“That’s Rufus,” she said walking over and taking him from her dresser.
“Rufus?”
“My dad gave it to me,” she said smiling. “He had a thing for this 70s band.” As far as I knew, Jayna’s father was still alive so I was surprised she was talking about him in the past tense. She held the stuffed animal in her hand and leaned against her dresser. I walked closer to her and stood in front of her.
“Want to give Rufus a kiss?” She held the stuffed teddy up in front of us, inches from my face. I smiled and moved closer looking in her eyes. She laughed again. I couldn’t help but enjoy the fact that I was making her nervous.
Even without excessive alcohol running through my system, my attraction to Jayna was strong. I thought of Kerry and what she was doing at that moment. Whether she was sitting in her apartment in New York alone, eating ice cream and crying her eyes out from missing me or whether she was out with a new guy from her firm. Some guy with manicured nails and too many words. A clean-cut guy from a good family who was promising her things I could never promise her.
Being someone I could never be.
Jayna looked into my eyes like she knew exactly who I was. It was as if she had me figured out from the moment she laid eyes on me in Kerry’s bed with nothing but a sheet between us. It reminded of me of when my mom would shove all of our garbage in the closet when she knew someone was coming to visit. The minute they left, she would open the doors and it would all fall back out. Jayna looked into me like she knew about all the shit I had hidden. Like she knew it was only a matter of time before it all came crashing onto Kerry and me. Like it was only a matter of time before Kerry walked away. Her unspoken understanding of me both terrified and excited me.
I looked back at her as she pressed against the dresser in her short sundress and put my hands in my pockets in one last effort to fight the urge to reach out and touch her. It was one thing to walk this line and bask in the desire to cross it; it was another thing to consciously take that step. If we were willing, this was our opportunity. If she gave the green light, I just had to decide if I would go. She watched me and smirked as if reading my mind. She sank back into the dresser and sighed. I took a step closer, inches from her face.
“It’s hot in…” she began but unable to control myself, I grabbed the back of her neck and kissed her, pulling her to me. She laughed as we grabbed at each other manically. I ripped open her dress to put her breasts in my mouth, round and full, different from Kerry’s. She stroked the back of my head as I sucked her nipples, slipping my hand under her dress and into her panties, running my fingers over her gently. She moaned and brought my face back up to her lips. We kissed again passionately; our tongues stroking each other. Our breaths were heavy and hungry. My lips moved to her neck as she opened my pants, slowing only to take me out and stroke me in her hands. My pants fell around my ankles as I watched her painted fingers run up and down my shaft. She watched as she did it, her face coated in anticipation. Her touches felt electric.
As much as I wanted to feel every part of this moment, I knew entering her would be like running ice on my forehead on a humid New York day. I had waited so long, and I wanted it so bad. I reached up her dress and yanked down her panties, pulling them down her knees and helping her step out. I stood back up and stared at her for a moment. Her bare breasts were spilling out of her ripped dress. She grabbed them and squeezed, watching me as I watched.
“Fuck it,” I said cupping her ass in my hands and lifting her against the dresser. She wrapped her legs around me as I entered her. Jayna was soaking wet, and with just one stroke I felt like I would blow. I buried my face in her neck and bit her lightly. She moaned harder putting one hand on my head and the other to brace herself against the dresser as I pounded inside her. She moaned loudly as I moved in and out.
“I’ve never been so wet,” she whispered in my ear, clinging to me tighter.
Encouraged, I moved quicker. “You feel so fucking good,” I said. I couldn’t believe how badly I had wanted this. She smiled and threw her head back, her ponytail had come undone, and her hair sprawled wildly around her face. I pushed deeper and Jayna closed her eyes, erupting in screams, her legs tightening around me, and her nails digging into my shoulders. Unable to take it anymore, I came hard and deep inside her, growling loudly. She moaned softly as I released her, my arms still around her waist as she slipped down to her feet. We stared at each other for a moment as our breaths slowed. I looked away as she straightened her dress, and I pulled my pants up. I walked over to her bed and sat down.
The moment was sobering.
I suddenly felt guilty and uncomfortable. All I could think about until this moment was finally fucking her. Now that it happened, I couldn’t believe I had been so weak. I could barely look at her as she straightened her clothes. Swarms of questions were running through my brain. Would she immediately run and tell Kerry? Was she on birth control? Had this been her plan all along? My mind was moving so fast, I felt overwhelmed. One thing was clear, suddenly I knew without a doubt, I wasn’t quite ready to let go of Kerry. Now, the ball was in Jayna’s court to make that choice for me.
“I’m not going to say anything, Nate,” she offered breaking the silence. That cleared that up. “I don’t want to hurt her,” she continued.
“Don’t you?”
“I could ask you the same thing.”
She was right.
“It was fun,” she said softening. “Let’s not make it anything more.” She sat beside me and put her hand on my thigh. “A lot of fun.”
I looked at her surprised. I wanted to regret what happened but looking at her with her dress barely closed and her hand running up my thigh, I knew there was a standing invitation in the air. Just the feel of Jayna’s hand on my thigh pushed my thoughts of Kerry further and further into the recesses of my mind.
It was fun.
Part of the reason it was so fun was because it was so wrong.
She leaned closer to me and kissed my cheek, kissing me again on the corner of my mouth and turning my chin gently with her finger so I could kiss her back. We kissed intensely for what seemed like minutes before she lowered herself on her knees in front of me. I ran my fingers through her hair as she unbuckled my pants. She reached in and pulled me out.
“You’re dirty,” she whispered, looking at me covered in the mess we had made. Just as I began to speak, she slipped me in her mouth.
I instantly grew hard again. I ran my hands through her hair and pushed her head down so I went deep into her mouth. I leaned my head back as she ran her hands up and down my thighs, licking and sucking gently. I closed my eyes and wondered if it was possible to continue this without anyone getting hurt.
***
My cell phone rang at about 3am. The party had ended about an hour earlier and Jayna and I lay nude in her bed, drifting in and out of sleep. I had lost count of the number of times we had sex. We were like animals and neither of us could get enough. When the phone rang, I was draped over her, my head buried in her breasts and arm wrapped across her thighs. It took me a minute to find my pants where the phone was buried in my pocket.
“Hello?”
“Where the fuck are you?” Phil said on the other end. His voice was low but frantic.
“Huh?” I was surprised that Phil cared about where I was. It was pretty common for one of us to disappear and share details the next morning.
“Kerry’s here,” he said.
“What?” I asked, pulling on my pants and underwear with one hand.
“Kerry decided to surprise you,” he explained. “She is sitting in our living room. I just got here and told her you took a cab because I had to drop a friend off. I don’t know where you are but you need to get here as soon as possible.”
I hung up and spun around, looking for the rest of my clothes. Jayna sat up and rubbed her eyes.
“You going?” she asked through a yawn.
“Yeah,” I said pulling on my shirt.
“Okay,” she said collapsing back on the bed and pulling a sheet over her naked body. I took one last look at her before I bounded out of the door to find a cab.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
I hesitated before turning the key and entering my apartment. Jayna and I had been having sex for hours. I had to figure out a way to greet Kerry but get into the shower without her suspecting a thing.
