Boyfriend

by Faye McCray

  Point taken.

  I was feeling tense when I caught a cab to head over to Maggiano’s, and that tension only grew the closer I got to the restaurant. I didn’t know why I agreed to spend the evening with Kerry and Jayna together. I’d be lying if I said a part of me wasn’t excited at the thought, but a bigger part of me worried Kerry would find out the minute she looked at both of us. Or that Jayna would have another crisis of conscious and confess it all.

  When I walked into the restaurant, Jayna was waiting in the lobby and Kerry had yet to get there. She had her legs crossed and ran her fingers up and down her thighs. She shifted awkwardly on the lobby bench as I sat down beside her. I was relieved to see she was just as nervous as I was. I looked at her and smiled. She smirked.

  “This’ll be interesting,” she said shrugging. She was wearing a yellow camisole and white skirt. When she shrugged, one of her straps fell to the middle of her arm just above her elbow. I reached over and pulled her strap back over her shoulder letting my fingers linger and looking into her eyes.

  “Don’t make it more than it is,” I began. Our mantra. “Knowing Kerry, if she knew something was going on between us, she wouldn’t be inviting us to dinner.” I removed my fingers from her shoulder. “I’d be missing and you’d be dead.”

  She laughed. “Well, Nate, maybe we should have some more fun before we die,” she said staring at my lips.

  I could feel myself getting excited. Kerry could walk in at any moment, and I couldn’t help but think of being with Jayna just before she got here. I pictured Jayna flush, a little out of breath, and hugging Kerry when she arrived. The rush was undeniable.

  On the bench in front of ours sat a fairly overweight blonde woman looking at us with a small smile. She grinned and looked away, embarrassed to be caught watching us. I smiled back and kissed Jayna lightly on the lips. She bit her lower lip and ran her hand through her hair. From the way her painted fingernails travelled through her hair to the way her saliva coated her plum lips, everything about Jayna was sexy. I could feel the familiar rush run through my body just watching her.

  “I could do this right here,” I said, leaning back against the wall.

  “I’d let you.”

  I glanced at my watch and looked at her. Kerry was running late. I could tell her we were both in the bathroom and…

  What the fuck was I thinking?

  Kerry didn’t deserve this. She didn’t deserve any of it. And she definitely didn’t deserve me fucking her best friend in the restroom while she wondered where I was.

  “After Kerry gets here, why don’t you meet me in the bathroom?” Jayna asked as if reading my mind.

  I looked at her knowing I should decline.

  “Sorry I was late, guys.” Kerry walked in closing her umbrella. Startled, Jayna stood up and embraced her.

  “Hey, baby,” I said as she pulled away from Jayna. Kerry reached her arms around my waist and kissed me. For some reason, I glanced over at the blonde woman who was no longer smiling but glaring at me. She shook her head before looking away.

  “I missed you,” Kerry said.

  “We’re still waiting for a table,” Jayna piped in. I looked over at her and she looked at me, a smile in her eyes.

  “How long have you been waiting?”

  “I just got here,” I said.

  “I was here at about a quarter to six… actually the hostess said the wait was about thirty minutes, so we should be sitting by now,” Jayna offered.

  “Let me see what’s going on,” Kerry said, walking off.

  “Tell her I went to make a call and met me in the bathroom,” Jayna whispered as soon as Kerry was out of earshot, squeezing my forearm. She walked off, glancing over her shoulder and smiling at me.

  “Our table is ready,” Kerry said beaming and resting her hand on my chest, clearly impressed with herself. “Where’s Jayna?” she said taking my hand and looking around.

  “Went to make a call, I think.” I watched her take in my words. Searching for a reason not to follow Jayna. She smiled again and started to walk towards the dining area. I took a step and stopped.

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah, yeah. I just have to take a quick whiz.”

  “Okay,” she said. No reason to doubt me. She tilted her chin up for me to kiss her. I gave her a quick peck and smiled.

  “Just a few minutes, baby,” I added as I sprinted off to the men’s room. It was more like ten when I met Jayna, who was waiting for me in the fourth stall as if she never doubted I would follow.

  ***

  “I’m so happy I’m here,” Kerry said, sitting on the edge of my bed and pulling her long braids back into a ponytail. I was lying in bed in my boxers when she emerged from the bathroom in just my T-shirt.

  My mind was still reeling from the restaurant. Jayna and I had never been so careless. I pictured her, skirt up and shirt folded over her breasts. Her whole body wrapped around mine as I pounded inside of her against the wall of the bathroom stall. When she came, she had screamed so loud I was sure the whole restaurant had heard. Back at our table, she hugged Kerry again, gushing about how much she had missed her with laugher in her eyes.

  It was fucked up.

  It was one thing to deceive Kerry when she was away. It was another to practically wave our middle fingers behind her back. Every time Kerry smiled at me from across the table, I felt like I would throw up. It took everything in me to make it through dinner.

  Sitting beside me on the bed, Kerry stared at me with questions in her eyes. She had just washed her face and her skin was bare and moist. “Did you hear me?”

  I nodded, struggling to remember what she had said. “Me too, baby.”

  “Nate,” she started, looking back at where I was leaned against a pillow propped on the headboard of the bed. I placed my hands, fingers linked, behind my head.

  “Yea?”

  “I have this feeling things aren’t okay between us.”

  I shrugged, trying to hide any guilt from my face.

  She continued, “When I’m in New York, you barely pick up my calls. When we do talk, I feel like you are distracted or you’re rushing me off the phone…”

  “Kerry, do we really have to talk about this?”

  “I know you’re busy, Nate… but, you were working and going to class before.”

  I shook my head. “So, you only have two nights with me and you want to fight on one of them?” I hoped my tone would deter her from asking any more questions.

  “I don’t – I don’t want to fight… I just don’t understand why you never visit me and why you barely call me. You haven’t visited me once, Nate. I just…” She shook her head with small tears forming in her eyes. “I just miss you.”

  “I miss you, too,” I began. “But Kerry, you act like I made the choice. You are five hours away now. I don’t have a car. I don’t have a lot of money. I can’t just pick up and run to New York every time I miss you.” I could feel the frustration begin to swell in my body.

  She turned to face me and crawled her hand onto my lap, placing her hand on my thigh.

  “I don’t want to fight,” she repeated.

  Softened, I twirled a few of her braids in my fingertips. She turned and looked at me and smiled. She leaned down and playfully kissed my thigh over my boxers. I laughed. Encouraged, she kissed the other one and I laughed again pulling her ponytail lightly.

  “Hey!” she said popping up and laughing. She leaned into me, her head buried into the nape of my neck. She kissed my neck twice. “I love you.”

  Each time those words passed through her lips, it felt like a punch to the gut. Her raven eyes were filled with so much hope and innocence. I could feel her belief in me, her belief in us. Kerry was giving me everything, and I was lying to her. I felt run over by guilt, like I was bleeding it and it was staining everything between us. I wondered if I should just confess. Purge myself of all that I had allowed myself to succumb to. Take a chance that she could forgive me and what
was happening between Jayna and me would just fade away. She pulled away from where her face lay nestled in my neck and looked at me. I studied her, searching for a reason not to feel guilty.

  “Why’re you looking at me like that?” Her voice dripped with insecurity.

  “Like what?”

  “Like that.” She looked up at me from under her full lashes, and I kissed her. “You love me, too?” she asked, pulling away and staring at me.

  Too much.

  I turned her over on her back, pulling her T-shirt off, studying her naked body under the dim light pouring in from the streetlight outside of my apartment. Kerry didn’t just turn me on. She got to me. She got to me in a way where I never wanted to stop breathing her in on nights like this. Jayna accepted me for who I was, but Kerry loved me for all that I wanted to be. All she believed I was and could be. I hated the part of me that felt so strongly, that cared so much, that could barely remember a world where she didn’t exist. I was pretty sure I was better off having known her. I was sure she would have been better off having never met me. I traced my fingers down the middle of her breasts, down her stomach and to her thighs. She squirmed and I smiled.

  “I love you, too, baby,” I murmured.

  She pulled me onto her. “That’s all I want, Nate.”

  I buried my face into her neck and kissed her softy.

  “It’s all I’ll ever want,” she whispered again.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  Kerry came back the weekend before classes started. Jayna and I spent our last night together secluded in her room. Most of her things were packed in boxes, and we had sex on a single blanket on top of her mattress. After we were done, the silence between us was awkward. I knew what was between us had to end, but my angst over ending things was stronger than I expected. When I left her apartment around midnight, she and I kissed passionately at her door. It was hard to let her go, but I knew I had to if I had any chance to make things work with Kerry. I could feel her eyes watching me from her window as I headed down her block to board the metro.

  When Kerry finally returned, she fell back into my life as if she had never left. All of the things that had seemed to pull us apart no longer felt like issues, and with her back around, it was hard for me to deny how strongly I felt for her. We even started to make plans for when I graduated. I would look for a job in the D.C. area, and we’d move into an apartment together off campus while she finished school. With Phil gone most of the time and staying with Ana, nothing could have felt more natural.

  At first, Jayna would text occasionally, asking if I could meet her in some of our usual places. I was tempted, but with Kerry always close by and the two of them still living together, I was just too paranoid we’d get caught. Kerry was spending almost every night at my apartment. It would have been nearly impossible for Jayna and me to find time to sneak away. Jayna caught on quickly that I had no intentions to meet her, and it wasn’t long before her text messages stopped.

  Shortly after classes started, I got a job working for a local paper called The Pipe Line. An older man who frequented the bookstore where I worked told me about the job. The Pipe Line, was an up-and-coming newspaper run by a group of 20-somethings interested in documenting the D.C. social scene for young adults. They were looking for a college student to write movie and concert reviews. Though they didn’t have much money, they offered to pay for the movies and they paid a small fee per word. I was majoring in English, and I figured it would help me get a job when I graduated, so I applied. The editor and I hit it off, and I was offered the job. It was fun, I ended up being good at it, and it gave Kerry and me the opportunity to go on free dates.

  The Pipe Line rented a small office in a building not too far from campus and offered the writers the unlimited use of the computers. One afternoon, I was alone in the office typing up a review of the latest Spiderman movie when there was a knock at the door.

  “It’s open,” I yelled. It was early evening, and I didn’t expect anyone to come by. Kerry didn’t get out of class for another hour, and the other staff members had left for the day.

  I looked up from the computer and Jayna stood in front of me. Surprised, I lost my words. I didn’t even know she knew I worked there.

  “Kerry told me you worked here,” she started. I nodded.

  “Hi,” I said sitting up in my chair wondering if she had come to confront me on avoiding her or if she expected us to pick up where we left off. Truth was, despite my efforts to end things and my shock that she had found out where I worked, it was nice to see her. As usual, she looked beautiful. Her normally curly hair was blown straight and she was wearing an oversized white sweater and gray leggings. The sweater fell off her shoulder, and a brown leather messenger bag hung from her arm.

  “Hey,” she said closing the door behind her.

  I was nervous. Everyone I worked with at the newspaper knew Kerry was my girlfriend. In fact, the editor had graduated from our college and was friends with the resident advisor in Kerry and Jayna’s dorm. I wasn’t sure what Jayna had in mind, but I had to keep it strictly platonic.

  “I thought it would be bigger in here,” she said looking around.

  “They’re looking for new office space,” I explained. The small office consisted of three desks with computers and a few filing cabinets. Most of the mass printing was done off site so that space was typically used by staff members like me who didn’t have their own computers.

  She nodded. “You’re a hard guy to get in touch with,” she said after a moment, smiling.

  “I’ve been really busy with classes and work,” I started.

  “Where have I heard that before?” she asked, chuckling. I smiled, embarrassed. “Look,” she continued. “I’m not here to get on you about that. I just wanted to let you know I think we should stop too. I mean, we kind of already have… I just think it should be said, instead of pretending like it never happened.”

  Surprised, I sat back in the chair.

  “Kerry is back now. We live together. I can’t do this to her anymore. I can’t do this to myself,” she added.

  I was silent for a moment before I spoke. I stood up and walked to the front of the desk, leaning back against it in front of her. “You’re probably right,” I said, knowing she was.

  We stood silent for a moment.

  “I should go,” she said turning to the door.

  “Wait,” I said reaching for her arm. Thinking better of it, I lowered my hand. She looked at me. “I don’t want things to be awkward between the two of us, Jayna. Like you said, you’re Kerry’s friend, you live together... I don’t want there to be any bad feelings between us.”

  She laughed. “No bad feelings. As bad as it was, we had fun.”

  I smiled, trying my best not to remember how much fun.

  “Okay, I’m really going to go before this gets even more awkward,” she said smirking. I nodded. She reached for the doorknob and looked back at me and smiled. Our eyes joined for longer than a moment. As adult as we were trying to be about this, our eye-fuck wasn’t getting the memo.

  “See you,” she said pulling the door open. I put my hand on the doorknob, prepared to close the door behind her. “Kerry!” she said as she turned. Jayna stepped to the side to let Kerry walk through door, flashing me a quick look of panic.

  Stay cool.

  “Jayna? What are you doing here?” Kerry glanced at me and then back at Jayna. Jayna stepped back in and I let the door close.

  “I was looking for you,” Jayna said after a moment.

  “How’d you know I was going to be here? I normally have class late on Tuesdays,” Kerry said, her eyes resting on Jayna.

  “Well, not for you. For Nate,” Jayna interrupted. “I wanted to find Nate and ask him to tell you to give me a call.”

  That makes no sense.

  “You couldn’t just call me?” Kerry asked, folding her arms across her chest.

  “I’ve been calling. You don’t call me back,” Jayna said, poking
Kerry playfully.

  I snuck up behind Kerry and wrapped my arms around her. “That’s probably my fault. I just can’t let her go.” Kerry allowed herself to melt back into my arms. She sighed deeply. Satisfied.

  “I’m sorry, J,” Kerry said. “Is everything okay with you and Paul?”

  Paul?

  “Yeah, everything’s fine,” Jayna said.

  “Who’s Paul?” I asked. Kerry looked back at me, puzzled. I shrugged, trying to appear as though my question had no intent other than small talk.

  “Jayna’s boyfriend,” Kerry said. “This is girl talk, baby,” she joked, pulling out of my embrace and squeezing my hand. I looked over at Jayna who avoided my eyes. I should have known her decision to end things had nothing to do with Kerry.

  “Baby, I still need to finish up this article. Why don’t you go get something to eat with Jayna, and I will meet you at your dorm later?”

  ”You sure?” Kerry asked.

  I nodded. “You need to catch up right?”

  Kerry looked at Jayna who smiled. “Okay,” Kerry agreed. I leaned down and kissed her, probably more passionately than necessary. I looked over at Jayna who looked away, clearly uncomfortable. Kerry pulled away, laughing.

  “I’ll see you back at the dorm,” I said as they walked out.

  ***

  Paul and Jayna had been dating seriously since two weeks before classes started. He was a second-year law student at Georgetown and a member of Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity. Jayna had met him at a party his frat was throwing at the beginning of the summer. They spent the whole night together and exchanged numbers. Paul called Jayna the next day, and they talked for “five straight hours” on the telephone.

  “Who does that?” Kerry had gushed.

  Kerry thought Paul was “good” for Jayna. He was serious about her almost instantly and when Kerry met him, she told me he couldn’t take his eyes off of Jayna. I was pretty sure Jayna and I fucked on the couch in my apartment the same night they met.

  I didn’t meet Paul until Halloween. Kerry had been pushing a double date for weeks, and for obvious reasons, Jayna and I tried hard to avoid it. Kerry finally convinced me to go with her to a Halloween party that Paul and his roommates were throwing. I figured it would be far less awkward than a dinner or movie and less likely that he would be able to pick up anything still lingering between Jayna and me.