Boyfriend

by Faye McCray

  Her reappearance in my life felt like a locked door had suddenly flown open. She didn’t have to come back to Gristedes to be sure it was me. But she did. That had to mean something.

  “Achoo!” Cole’s sneeze startling me out of my thoughts. I looked over at where Allison sat in front of me with Cole nestled in her lap. His small frame looked overwhelmed by her belly.

  We were babysitting. The salon had really started to take off, and Allison and I had begun to pick Cole up from daycare when Natalie couldn’t get off in time. Cole adored Allison, so he enjoyed the nights that Natalie worked late. He stared up at her face smiling. She stared at me.

  “Where are you right now?” she asked.

  “Right here,” I said, shaking off the lingering thoughts of Kerry.

  Cole sat up and stood in front of her hopping to steal back her attention. “Ally, can you read a book?”

  “Okay, sweetie.” He bounced off to his bumble bee backpack to find one. “Nate?” she said looking at me. “It’s your turn.”

  “Oh.” I looked down at the Uno cards in my hand. I had forgotten we were playing. I picked out a blue six and placed it on the pile.

  “Ha,” Ally said as Cole handed her Green Eggs and Ham. “I won!” She slammed a red six on the pile. She got up dancing around the room stroking her belly. Not one to miss a party, Cole began dancing with her. “Ally won!” she said, grabbing his hands and moving him around. He giggled, wiggling around wildly.

  “Ally won,” he mimicked.

  “Get your own girlfriend, man,” I said laughing. I reached out and pulling her gently into my lap. Cole continued dancing.

  “Welcome back,” she said touching my face.

  “You cheated.”

  “No, I’m better than you.” She flipped her hair over her shoulder with exaggerated arrogance. I ran my finger along her chin preparing to kiss her.

  “Read, Ally,” Cole interrupted, holding the book between our faces. Allison took the book and kissed me quickly. She rose and led Cole over to the couch, plopping him on her lap and opening the book. She looked back at me and smiled. I smiled back.

  ***

  I opened my eyes and stretched, crashing my long limbs into the arms of Natalie’s moss green sofa. I drew in a deep yawn and released it loud and slow. I looked over at the time on the cable box, my eyes still lazy and out of focus. I squeezed my eyes tight and reopened them.

  8:36pm.

  It was Friday. I had popped by Natalie’s on the way home from work at six and must have conked out on the couch. I sat up slowly, surprised that I had slept the evening away. Cole came running through the hall to where I sat on the couch, naked and dripping wet, tugging at his penis.

  “Where are your clothes, man?”

  “Cole, get your little butt back in the bathtub,” Natalie yelled walking into the living room holding a towel. “I thought you were sleeping,” she said glancing at me.

  “He was calling me,” Cole said staring up at Natalie, his eyes big and wide.

  “Boy, no one was calling you,” Natalie said in a huff. “Now go!” She popped his bottom lightly with the towel.

  Cole ran off, almost slipping as he rounded the corner back to the bathroom.

  “You want something to eat?” Natalie asked walking into the kitchen. I followed her and stood at the threshold of the door. “We have…” She opened a cabinet. “Shit, we don’t have anything.” She laughed. “Want to order a pizza?”

  “Not hungry.” I yawned.

  Natalie shrugged and filled an empty cup with tap water. “Stop splashing in there, Cole!” she yelled. I hadn’t heard anything. I yawned again. “Why are you so tired?”

  “Allison and that giant pillow,” I began. “I fall off the bed at least twelve times a night. And she snores, Nat. Like a 500 pound man.”

  Natalie laughed.

  “I don’t know what that baby is doing to my cute girlfriend.”

  “Maybe you should get a bigger bed. You guys might as well admit she lives there. It makes no sense that she keeps all of her stuff at her mom’s house.”

  I sighed, turning and walking back into the living room. This was clearly leading up our 500th conversation about how I should make a bigger commitment to Allison. She followed. “Even Max is moving in. We haven’t been together nearly as long as you two…”

  “Nice try, kid.” I laughed. “Since when is Max moving in?”

  She shrugged. “We aren’t talking about me.”

  “You are right about Ally,” I said. “We are already loading the other room up with baby stuff. I should have asked her to move her stuff in a long time ago.”

  “Is that the only question you want to ask her?” She flashed me a doofy smile.

  I rolled my eyes. “So you and Max?”

  “We’re serious.”

  “How serious?”

  “Like ‘spend my life with her’ serious…”

  “Wow.”

  “She’s beautiful, kind, smart… Cole loves her… I have no idea why she’s with me…”

  “Because you’re all those things too.”

  “Awwwwww…” she said laughing. “That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me, big brother.”

  “Whatever,” I said feeling embarrassed.

  “Hug…” She trapped me in a big embrace.

  “Okay, okay… I’m so sweet,” I said patting her on the back. She laughed letting go.

  “Oh, by the way, before I forget your cell phone rang while you were sleeping. Cole answered it.” She picked up a small piece of paper from the coffee table. “It was a woman named Kerry. I didn’t want to just hang up after Cole picked up,” she explained. “Is that the Kerry you dated in college? The Kerry that ruined you for black women.” She smiled sheepishly.

  “Funny,” I said, smirking. She laughed. I took the paper from her hands and stared at it as she sauntered back into the kitchen.

  It had been over a month since I had run into Kerry at the grocery store. Though I thought of her daily, I had stopped expecting her to call. I grabbed the phone and headed into the bathroom where Cole sat up in the tub playing with a toy boat. I closed the lid to the toilet and sat down.

  Kerry picked up on the first ring.

  “Hey, is Kerry there?” I knew it was her, but I asked anyway.

  “Nate, hi.”

  “Who’s Kerry?” Cole asked. I put my finger over my lip gesturing for him to quiet down. Offended, he began to splash around in the tub fiercely.

  “Is that the little man I spoke to earlier?” Kerry said laughing.

  “Yeah, my nephew, Cole.”

  “How old is he?”

  “He is three, and a real pain in the ass,” I said laughing. Cole covered his mouth and laughed, happy that I thought enough of him to curse in his presence.

  “Aww,” Kerry sang.

  We were silent.

  “So, what’s up?”

  “Well, I don’t know about you but I felt weird about the way we left things.”

  I laughed. “It was awkward.”

  “If you aren’t busy this weekend... or, whenever you have the time, maybe we can have lunch.”

  I smiled to myself, drawing in and releasing a small breath.

  “Why are you smiling, Uncle Nate?” Cole piped in. I instinctively placed my hand over the mouth of the receiver hoping she hadn’t heard and shot Cole a look. He laughed splashing again.

  “Nate?”

  “Are you doing anything tomorrow afternoon?” I was supposed to go to a tux fitting for Phil’s wedding, but I could probably skip it.

  “No,” she said.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Kerry and I sat across from each other outside of the small Azerbaijan restaurant in Lower Manhattan for about five minutes before either of us said a word. The restaurant’s bistro tables blanketed the New York City sidewalk. We glanced around at the racing taxi cabs and fast walking pedestrians, the restaurant’s outdoor space separated from the chaos by a short or
namental black iron fence.

  Kerry sat with her legs crossed, leaned back in her chair, a pencil skirt, blue silk blouse and a silver pendant adorning her curvier frame. Her hair was pulled back and her bangs parted to the side, sweeping across her forehead. She wrapped her arms around herself and laughed before she decided to speak.

  “I guess it would be weird if this wasn’t uncomfortable,” she said taking a sip of water. I laughed.

  “It doesn’t have to be. It’s good to see you.”

  She smirked, looking at me as if she wanted to say something.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Nothing.” The waiter came over and took our orders. “What’ve you been up to?” she asked when he left.

  “Nothing much. Working,” I began. “Phil and Ana are getting married.”

  She nodded, smiling. “I figured they would. They were cute together.”

  We were silent. I watched her take another sip of water, her eyes resting on a jogger who ran in place at the curb beside us. The jogger waited for the light to change and bounded off, sprinting past the people walking in the crosswalk.

  “You look exactly the same,” I said. She looked at me, and I caught her eyes. She looked away.

  “I got fat,” she said laughing.

  “No, you didn’t. I mean, you aren’t that skinny girl I went to college with…” I said noticing how nicely her body had grown to fill out her clothes.

  “That’s for sure,” she interrupted.

  “…but you look good.”

  She looked down and cleared her throat. My phone buzzed in my pants pocket. I slipped it out and peeked at it. Allison was calling. I hadn’t told her I postponed the fitting with Phil. She was probably calling to find out how it was going.

  “Do you need to get that?”

  I shook my head, hit ‘ignore’ and stuffed my phone back in my pocket.

  “You look different,” she said after a moment.

  “How so?”

  “Older,” she began.

  “So, what? I look old now?” I asked grinning.

  “No, no.” She laughed. “More mature.”

  “I’d like to think I am.”

  She let out a short laugh and pulled the gray shawl that draped her chair back over her shoulders. “It’s cold, right?”

  I shrugged glancing at the outdoor heater a few feet from our table.

  “Kerry,” I started, unsure of what would follow. There were things I wanted to say to her. Things I waited to say to her. I wasn’t sure when I’d have this chance again. She looked at me, waiting, bundling in her shawl. “I don’t know where to begin,” I said, partially under my breath.

  “Why did you do it?” she asked, catching me off guard. She smoothed a stray hair away from her eyes. “I know why she did it. I know exactly why Jayna did it. But why did you?”

  I looked away. I knew this conversation was inevitable, but I hadn’t expected to be yanked into it. I wasn’t sure I had an answer. I didn’t know why.

  “Forget it.” She took a sip of water. “It was a long time ago.” As if on cue, the waiter brought our food over. My lamb kabob might as well have been a skewer filled with Styrofoam; I had completely lost my appetite. I watched as she took a few bites of her salad.

  “I don’t know, Kerry.”

  She finished chewing and sat back in her chair. “We don’t need to talk about this.” She snickered and toyed with her lettuce with her fork.

  “We do. I don’t know why I did it, Kerry.”

  “You don’t know?” She laughed. “Nate, what you and Jayna did destroyed me. I left school for a year. I could barely get out of bed for over a month.” I could see tears begin to form in the cottony pink corners of her eyes. “You were my first. My first everything. It destroyed me, Nate. And you don’t know why you did it?” Her voice grew louder and she leaned forward in her chair.

  “I’m so sorry, Kerry,” I began. “I don’t know why because that’s how fucked up I was. I loved you. I loved you more that I had ever loved anyone. I think about what I did to you every day. I am so sorry.”

  “Did you love her too?” The words shot out of her mouth.

  “No,” I said almost instantly.

  “Was that day the first time?” She didn’t break her stare and she crossed her arms over her chest. It was clear she had been holding onto these questions since that day in November three years ago.

  I hesitated.

  “Forget it,” she said uncrossing her arms and wiping her tears. “Forget it. What am I doing? I am not that same 19 year-old-girl waiting desperately for your call. I’m over this. I’m over you. I have been for a long time.” She stood almost knocking over her partially empty cup of water that was sitting near the edge of the table.

  “Kerry, wait,” I said rising with her.

  “You never even called me, Nate. You say all these things about loving me, but you let me walk out the door and never even tried.”

  I sighed, the regret heavy, weighing me down like gravity. “I just assumed you wouldn’t want to hear from me.”

  “I didn’t!” she spat. Her grown-up, calm demeanor was broken. “But you could have tried, Nate. You didn’t even try.”

  I shook my head feeling panicked. I felt foolish for believing things could have gone smoothly with us. As if I would apologize and we would embrace and start over.

  “I’m engaged. I’m over this.” She stormed away from the table. I pulled three twenties out of my wallet and threw them down, running quickly to catch up with her as she practically vaulted out of the entrance to the restaurant.

  I caught up to her hailing a cab on the street. “Kerry!”

  She looked back at me and continued to wave frantically.

  “Would you look at me? Just for a minute,” I pleaded. “Please…”

  She turned toward me. “What?”

  I stared at her, wanting to grab her and pull her to me, hold her the way I had when we together. I wanted to tell her I still loved her, and I had never stopped. My phone buzzed again in my pocket. I knew it was Allison without looking.

  “I can’t do this,” she said as a cab pulled up to let out a fare. An older gentleman exited the cab, and Kerry jumped in. I watched as the cab pulled away before I turned and headed to the subway.

  ***

  I arrived back at my apartment as Allison’s mom was leaving.

  “We’re in the home stretch,” she said hugging me. I nodded. “Oh, Allison had a fit for fish sticks and apple sauce so I brought them over.” I grimaced. “Don’t make that face, Nate. We used to eat them when she was a little girl. Don’t dip it because it’ll get soggy. Take a bite of the fish stick and a spoonful of apple sauce. You won’t regret it.”

  I nodded.

  “Okay, I’m going to go.” She kissed my cheek. “Bye, sweetie.”

  I walked in, and Allison was sitting on the couch with her feet on the coffee table and the plate full of fish sticks on her lap. She looked at me and took a bite of her fish stick.

  “Hey, babe,” she said with her mouth full. I plopped down next to her, feeling worn, trying to push the image of Kerry walking away from me again out of my head. I turned the television to ESPN. “Want?” she said holding a fish stick towards me. I shook my head, and she laughed.

  “How was the fitting?” she asked cramming a spoonful of applesauce in her mouth.

  “Good,” I lied. “The tux looks good. Phil was crazy nervous.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  “Ana and her mom have been driving him crazy. You would think the wedding was tomorrow and not six months away…”

  “Phil called while you were gone.”

  Shit.

  “Did I forget something?” I asked, hoping Phil had my back like when we were in college.

  “No. He was looking for you, Nate.”

  Shit.

  “Wow, so you asked me how the fitting was even though you knew I didn’t go?”

  “I didn’t want you to lie, Nate.�
� She put the plate of fish sticks beside her and turned to face me.

  “Oh really? Then why wouldn’t you just ask me where I was instead of setting me up?”

  “Setting you up? I’m not an undercover cop, Nate. Either you tell the truth, or you lie. You chose to lie. I didn’t force you to.” She lowered her feet off the ottoman.

  She was right, but I was already angry. So was she. Allison and I never fought but our spat just added gasoline to an already blazing fire. I was everyone’s villain. Kerry… my sister… I didn’t need it from her too.

  I shook my head. “This is bullshit.”

  “You know,” she began rising and stroking her stomach. “I’m not stupid, Nate.” She pointed down at me for emphasis. “Don’t think for one second I haven’t noticed you never told me where you were all afternoon. I swear, all men play the same stupid game. Turn it around when you get caught. Do you all take a class or something?”

  “Would you like a report every time I walk out the fucking house, Ally?” My voice was getting louder. My anger munching on my common sense.

  “Did I say that, Nate?” She started to breathe a little harder.

  “Like I said, this is bullshit,” I said walking towards the door.

  “Oh, and now you’re walking away?”

  “I need to clear my head.”

  “No,” she said walking toward the closet by the door. She reached in and grabbed her coat and slipped on her shoes. “I’ll go.” She pushed past me and slammed the door hard as she walked out the door.

  ***

  Allison stayed away for two days before she called me. When she finally called on Tuesday afternoon, I barely spoke. She scolded me for my behavior. She “had no idea what was going on” with me but warned I needed to get it together for her and the baby. She waited for my apology. I paused, cleared my throat and then asked her if she was done.

  She hung up on me.

  I knew what I was doing was low. Allison had done nothing to deserve my behavior. Her only expectations had been love and honesty. I just wasn’t ready to let her back in. Not when what was left of Kerry and me still lingered in the air.