He twitches a smile but then is all serious again as he slides open the door. When he leaves, two women I’ve never seen before enter the room, giving Shasta and me weird looks. They then scurry down one of the many hallways down here. From what I see, Brandon’s basement is a goddamn maze. I wonder if his sex dungeon is down here. I did not need that mental image, especially with his probable submissive standing in front of me.
Shasta and I stare at each other, but I’d sooner stare at the sun through binoculars. I ask, “Are you going to move?” Do it before I lose my damn nerve.
Her eyes relax somewhat, and her shiny red lips smile. “I’m glad you’re here, Roddy.”
“Even after you just spewed that shit about me in front of Amos?”
“I just wanted to get a reaction out of you. You don’t seem to care about your daughter.”
I sigh, not knowing what to say. “I do. I just... It’s been... I... Just let me see her.”
“I’ve wanted you to meet her for so long. I’ve wanted you in her life. I wanted you...”
“On her birth certificate? You didn’t even put me on there.”
“Because you weren’t at her birth.”
“Just her conception,” I mumble. I’m good at that part.
“I can put you on there. But I...”
Tired of this horseshit, I move past her and drop my gaze to the sleeping baby wearing a pink shirt and white skirt. The clothes are sizes too big. And I thought babies were supposed to be chubby. This one looks like a toy you’d find at the bottom of a clearance bin. When I look to her head, there’s no hair. Not one single strand. Jesus Christ, my daughter is balder than a baboon’s ass.
“What do you think?” I think she’s the epitome of what my kid would look like since everyone assumes my life is one big joke.
“Um, I think she’s a sleeping baby. I can’t really see her.” I’ve seen way too much.
“Well, don’t wake her up. I don’t want her crying again.”
I look away from the sad reality appearing to be my kid. “Why was she crying?”
“How should I know? She cries all the time.”
“Maybe she needs something.”
“Yeah. A mute button.”
“Don’t babies cry when they need a diaper? A beer? A cab, maybe?” I laugh, but I’m rattled to the fucking core. I’m sorry you a have shitty existence, kid. Your parents are losers.
“Babies cry all damn day. At least this one does. So now that you’ve met her, you think you know what she needs. Isn’t that convenient? Doing this alone is hard, Roddy.” She sniffs, wiping an invisible tear beneath her eye, ever so careful not to screw up her damn makeup.
“I don’t know for sure what she needs.” New parents. “I was only asking.”
“You don’t think I’m taking care of her?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You try to take care of a screaming baby all night long and then wake up early for work with the baby screaming all over again.” She’s got me there. I’m the worst kind of father, but I hate admitting it to her.
“I’m sorry. You’re right. I’ll help any way I can.” Even if I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.
“She’s going to grow up seeing her parents apart. You know that, right? Is this the kind of life we should want for her?”
“No.”
“I want her life to be different.” Shasta’s hand goes to my arm, and I flinch, but my feet are lead, and I can’t move, which scares me to a degree. “Maybe we can still change that.”
“How?” The sliding glass door opens slowly, and Shasta glances in that direction while I don’t. Great. More spectators to my humiliation.
Squeezing my arm tighter, Shasta asks, “Why don’t you stay with me tonight? Birdy needs to have her parents together under one roof. In the same bed together.”
I want to laugh, but I’m closer to losing it. I’m hoping I’m the father of a baby that I may have given to the woman I love, even though she didn’t want one with me when I offered. But my reality is I’m stuck with being the father of a kid I didn’t want with a woman I can’t stand.
Shasta’s hand slides up my arm to my shoulder, and then inches toward my neck. “We should try. It was...good.”
“For you maybe.” Sex isn’t fun for me. It’s supposed to be a connection, but from my experiences—even the almost times with Hadley—they hacked me to pieces.
“Well, I mean, it was good until you broke the condom.”
My mouth drops open, forgetting about anybody listening. “Are you really saying that? If it weren’t for you... Damn it. I’m not getting into this with our daughter here.”
“Okay. Just come home with me. You won’t regret it. I’ll make you feel good this time.” She leans into me but doesn’t really try to be quiet. “And I promise I won’t tell a soul about what you did in my bedroom.” Motherfucker. No.
I’d strangle her, but I can’t move. A statue downtown could kick my ass right now. She doesn’t know shit. Damn it. The nightmare continues. I can’t believe this cunt. She wants to gut me just for a laugh. My voice is barely above a pathetic whisper. “I don’t... I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Shasta giggles. “Of course, you do. I told you it’d be our little secret.” She sadly smiles, again averting her eyes from mine. Shasta then leans closer again and whispers against my neck, “I handcuffed you to the headboard, and you flipped out, Roddy. You cried. Remember? Hmm. Do you really want me to tell people that? Her?”
I swallow the spikes in my throat as she moves away, leaving me stewing in her words and whorehouse scent. I have no response. I just...stand there, gaping at Shasta. I’m not sure if I’m speechless or on the verge of murder.
Shasta smiles like the barracuda she is and looking past me again, she asks, “Can I help you, Hadley?”
I hear her soft footsteps on the carpet, and then her perfume envelops every one of my senses, obliterating Shasta’s. “What’s going on? You’ve been gone forever, Rod. Is everything all right?”
Shasta answers for me. “Why wouldn’t it be? He’s here with his daughter. I don’t know why you have to bother him. He’s not on your leash.”
Blinking back to life, I say, “Shasta and I were just talking.”
Hadley walks closer, stopping next to me, and peers into the car seat. “Rod, you met your daughter?”
“Sort of. She’s been asleep.”
Hadley looks to Shasta. “He didn’t get to hold her?”
“Like he said, she’s asleep, Hadley. Why’re you here anyway? You have your own kid to worry about.”
Standing next to me, Hadley’s hand goes to my back, saying to me, “Maybe she’ll wake up soon and then you’ll get to hold her.”
Shasta’s irritation mounts and she grabs her black purse, the zebra print diaper bag from the floor, and then she roughly picks up the car seat. “It’s time for me to get her home. Roddy, tonight. Text me a time. You can feed her later. And then we’ll play.” She winks at me. Inside, I’m withering.
“Uh, yeah. I’ll let you know.” I take another peek into the car seat. Birdy’s tiny breaths are steady in sleep, even though her world around her is a fucking catastrophe.
Shasta abruptly swings the seat out of my way, and she goes around me, heading for the door as more people enter. Some stop to check out my kid, seeing more than I just did.
Hadley’s hand goes to my shoulder as she moves in front of me and we both watch Shasta leave. I was so close to Birdy but a mile away at the same time. I’m numb, and I don’t know if that’s the way I’m supposed to feel.
“Rod, you’re shaking. What did she say to you?”
“I don’t want... I can’t...” More people enter the room, laughing and boozed up, courtesy of Brandon Rhodes while I’m having a meltdown I don’t want anyone to see.
Thankfully, Hadley grabs my arm and pulls me down the hallway to our left, escorting me to the first room on the left, a guest bedroom.
>
I slow, which slows Hadley, but it doesn’t stop her completely, and she drags me into a huge room. There’s a king-size bed in here, but the room could fit three more. This isn’t an ideal place to be with her, especially when I could use a sympathy fuck right about now. Sensing my hesitation, Hadley slides past me, closing the door behind me before I can escape and when I hear the lock click, my heart speeds up. And when she hugs me, I’m screwed. I can’t be in this room. This situation. This close. It’s bound to lead to me fucking up our friendship or her marriage.
It’s inevitable when my shaky hands go to her back, holding her against me. I can’t just stand here like a jackass. I’m not sure if I’m shaking because of seeing Birdy, Shasta propositioning me, or Hadley surprising me. I hover my nose above her hair. She smells like fruit cocktail and her perfume. I want to bottle the scent and spray it everywhere I go. With her cheek on my chest, Hadley squeezes me, and her voice is muffled. “You okay?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
She steps back, pulling her ponytail over her shoulder. “What do you think of Birdy?”
“I didn’t see much of her, but she looks smaller than your kid.” Are they sisters? Holy shit.
“I hope Shasta’s taking care of her and making sure she sees a pediatrician.”
“Yeah. I guess I need to find out.”
Hadley nods. “Maybe you could go with Shasta to the appointments. That would get you more involved with Birdy for sure.”
It sounds reasonable, but I haven’t even held her yet. What’s that famous saying? Slow and steady and fuck first place. Sounds right.
“I’ll help you with whatever you need.” I really need your tongue on my dick.
“Um, yeah. I don’t even know how to change a damn diaper.”
She laughs, and her tits bounce. I’d give anything for the whole tour. “I’ll show you. You’ll be a pro in no time.”
“I’ll be sure to update my résumé.”
Hadley giggles and touches my chest. “Oh, Rod.” And what I wouldn’t give for her to moan my name again like she did in the parking lot when I got her off. Even that name. It’s still me.
Inhaling, I grin, trying to calm down from whatever has me on edge, and I say, “You know if any of those assholes out there found out we’re in a bedroom alone together, the rumor mill will run rampant. One of them would run to our coach, AKA your husband, and he’d castrate me on live TV. No dare needed.” Though, I bet that would bring great ratings for him and maybe a movie deal for me.
Hadley doesn’t seem concerned about potential rumors, because she asks, “What did Finn say to you before you left? He said it was nothing.” I wonder why.
I shrug and copying her, I cross my arms. But I do it to avoid temptation. “Nothing.”
She frowns and rolls her eyes. “I don’t believe either of you.”
“We were exchanging brownie recipes. It was supposed to be a secret. Jesus.” When Hadley doesn’t laugh, I roll my eyes. Sometimes she’s way too serious. “He told me to ice my ass.” And our friendship.
“That’s it?”
“Pretty much. He’s a busy guy, you know.” As I lie to her face, I avoid doing just that by averting my gaze to the ugly, Little House on the Prairie lamp on the nightstand near me. Who in the hell picked out that shit? “Where’s your kid? You don’t want her with Amos. He’ll bore the shit out of her. I hope you brought extra diapers.”
“She’s with Simone.” Looking back at her, Hadley’s frown deepens along with her eyebrows tugging closer together. I don’t like it. I love her smile. “What about Shasta? Are you spending the night with her? Rod, you can’t be with her again. Look what happened the last time you were. She’s using your daughter against you. Shasta is guilting you into sex. Why don’t you see that?”
I laugh. “You sure know how to drown in conclusions.”
“I heard her.” Hadley shakes her head, glaring at the door. “I don’t want you involved with her.”
“That’s sort of impossible now. Don’t you think?”
She blinks fast and then nods. “Yeah. I mean, I know you have a baby together.” Hadley cringes, and I’m ashamed and offended at the same time. “You should find a better woman. Rhonda—”
The back of my head goes to the door, and I close my eyes. “I swear to Christ, Hadley, if you don’t stop trying to shove her on my jock, I’m going to fucking lose it.”
“What’s your problem with her? You’ll sleep with a slut like Shasta, but Rhonda is beneath you?”
“She’ll never be beneath me.”
“Stop joking around. Be serious, Greg.”
“I am serious.” My eyes open and I land them on hers. Hadley holds her own, staring back at me. Doesn’t she see through me? Doesn’t she see why I’m having such a problem with her trying to set me up with anyone else? Whatever Hadley does won’t work. And it’s not just because of my feelings for her. It’s because of who I am. Who I’ve become. Who I’ll always be.
“I don’t get it. What’s wrong with Rhonda? She’s prettier than Shasta.”
“It has nothing to do with looks.”
“She’s nicer.”
I sigh, shaking my head against the door, which hurts when stuck in a panel groove. “That’s the point, Hadley. I wouldn’t use Rhonda the way I used Shasta. You happy now?”
Hadley looks to the bed and then back to me. “I’m not saying to use Rhonda. Maybe take her out on a date. Talk to her.”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“She’s not my type.”
“How do you know that? For as long as I’ve known you, you haven’t gone on a date. The Shasta thing was a shock. I’m trying to understand you. I’m just trying to wrap my mind around yours. Val said you’re an enigma.” Val said that? I thought she was the one person who knew all my secrets since she reads auras. “You’re my best friend, Rod. You’d tell me if something’s wrong. Right?” When I don’t respond, keeping my blank expression on her, Hadley’s green eyes worry over me, and it doesn’t matter. I want her. We’re alone in a room with a huge bed. I had my chances, and I fucked them up. I want another chance. I’d make her scream my name, whichever one. “Greg?”
“What?” I realize I’m just staring at her.
She impatiently sighs. “There’s something wrong. You’re acting weird.”
I smirk, not really feeling it. “Weird. Yeah. That describes me to a crooked Z.”
“Stop it. I want to help you.”
“With what?”
“You’re alone. I don’t want you being with the wrong person.”
I laugh but feel worse. “Seriously? You need to be worried about your kid. Not me.”
“No. I promised Eden I’d watch over you. She asked me to help you fall in love.”
I laugh louder this time, which annoys Hadley. “Shit. I don’t need you or my dead sister to help me, especially in that department. She’s probably somewhere laughing her ass off at both of us. And you have your own life to live without worrying about my fucking problems.”
“You’re part of my life. I want you to be happy.” I’m as much of a part of her life as her office chair at work.
“My life’s fine.”
“No, your life is...confusing right now with Birdy. I’m here for you. You know that. We can talk anytime. You don’t need to turn to Shasta.”
“Yeah, but with Shasta, I don’t have to talk. And she’s willing to play with my pecker.”
Hadley gasps with a small laugh but then frowns again. “I’m serious.”
Leaning my back against the door, I mutter, “So was I.”
“What’s going on with you? You used to tell me everything.”
“Not everything,” I admit. What the hell is happening? Her eyes grow wider, and I’m on the verge of something. I’m restless, shifting against the door, shoving my hands into my pockets, just to stop myself from moving so much. Stop me from touching her. Every small touch is an inch away from being more
than trivial.
“You’re keeping secrets from me?”
“Hadley, we need to get back out there.”
“Not until you tell me.”
“No.”
“Hold on. You already did. That’s what you’re not telling me. You already slept with Shasta again?”
Irritated, I yank my hands from my pockets, crossing my arms. “Fuck. I wish you’d get off Shasta.”
“You didn’t before. That’s why I’m worried. You could get Shasta pregnant again!” she shrieks above a whisper.
“Jesus Christ, Hadley. I’m not fucking her, but if I were, why should you care? You have no idea who I want to fuck.”
“Obviously, it was Shasta.”
“Obviously, you don’t pay attention worth shit.”
She gapes at me, and I again look to the glass lamp even Laura Ingalls would’ve smashed. “To what? I am stating the obvious. You had sex with her because you wanted to. You told me you were going to before you did it.” It was a last-ditch effort to make you jealous. It failed. “What did I miss?”
I mumble, “Nothing. It’s just...” I sigh and return to her pretty face. I want to kiss her again so much. “Hadley, you say I’m your best friend, but it’s a one-way friendship. You tell me who to fuck, but I can’t do the same to you.”
“I’m married, Greg. It’s kind of a given who I fuck.” When the words leave her mouth, Hadley makes a face, probably because I make one first.
“Yeah. I know who you’re fucking.” While nearly every night I’m fucking my hand, pretending it’s you, loving me back.
“I’m sorry the scale is tipped. But I’m trying to help you find someone. I don’t want you to make the same mistake with her.” Hadley shakes her head, wincing. “She’s fucked up your life enough. I still can’t believe you actually slept with her and got her pregnant. You called her a trouser troll before.” Hadley moves toward the bed, touching the expensive duvet, no doubt. She’s quiet but then almost growls, “Why Shasta? God. Why her?” Again, I’m rendered speechless. Twice in the same night. That’s a feat.
“Because for once, I wanted to fuck, instead of my morals fucking me over.”
“Your morals? How?”
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