Unscrewed

by Ren Alexander

  “I can’t lose my best friend. Not after losing my family. Find a way, Greg.”

  “And if I can’t?”

  “Then...” She doesn’t finish that. Instead, she steps out from between the bushes and onto the path. I want to run after her, but she’s already been chased and caught.

  A hand hooks my arm and I turn, ready for another argument. “I was looking for you,” Nico says with an overblown smile. Right. This reeks of Amos Vaughn—a smell a thousand times worse than Teen Spirit.

  “What do you want, Ferrara?” I watch Hadley say goodbye to Rhonda and then meet Val and Simone at her car. Val moves close to Hadley as they talk. Hadley shakes her head and opens the rear passenger door, ending their conversation, apparently. If her sister-in-law wasn’t hanging around, there’s no doubt she’d tell Val everything.

  “Just thought I’d see what you were up to.”

  “Amos got to you, didn’t he? Well, you’re not my bodyguard.”

  “And you’re no Whitney Houston.”

  I’d laugh if I weren’t miserable. “You should hear how unfunny you are.”

  “It’s a calling.” Nico shrugs, smirking at me.

  “I’m not one of your delinquents.”

  “No. They’re easier to handle.”

  “Christ. Tell Amos his mission failed. I’m leaving.”

  “No, you’re not, Greg.” Nico hangs his arm over my shoulders, yanking me back to the gate. “You’re the one who dragged me onto this team. I’m not suffering through this shit alone.” I guess he has a valid point. I can’t help but look over my shoulder, watching Hadley get into her car. Why did she have to cut me off like that? I’m not out to break up her marriage. Unless she wants me to.

  Nico says, “By the way, Amos hasn’t said shit to me. I’m observant. That’s what makes me good at my jobs.”

  “Jobs? I thought you just wrangled brats.”

  “During the day. At night I work loss prevention at Home Depot.”

  “What the hell for?”

  “Pays the bills and keeps me out of trouble.”

  “Good to know, stalker.” I shrug out of his shoulder grip.

  Nico stops outside the gate, saying, “You know, I was thinking.”

  “Shit. Don’t break something.”

  “I underestimated you.”

  “Everyone does. About what?”

  “Maybe you need a challenge. Something to keep you busy.”

  “I am busy.”

  “I see that.”

  A body runs into my side and a pigtail swings into my face. Breathless, Simone says, “You’re not leaving, Greg, are you?”

  “I was going to, but I’m being hijacked by an officer of the law.”

  “I’m technically an officer of the court.”

  “Your point, Nicky?”

  “Well, Ricky apprehends criminals and helps prevent crime while I try to help convicted criminals change their lives for the better. I’m a law enforcement-social work hybrid, I guess.”

  “Riveting.” Nico frowns and I laugh. He’s such a stooge.

  Simone grips my arm, whining, “You can’t leave. Ricky just pulled up.”

  “So?”

  “Help me.” She puts out her lip like that’s going to affect me somehow.

  “Do what?”

  “Talk to him.”

  Nico laughs. “I think you have that under control, Simone.”

  Simone rolls her eyes, looking to the end of the path for our gun-slinging assistant coach. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t want him flirting with that Sylvie bitch.”

  “Why do I need to help you land that jackass?”

  Nico asks, “You like him? If you’re only into the law enforcement appeal, I carry a gun on occasion.”

  Simone’s mouth wrinkles. “No, thanks.”

  I laugh, elbowing him. “She doesn’t want an officer who carries a water gun and plays with kids. Sorry, Nicky.”

  Simone peers down the pathway like a lunatic and then back to me. “What do I do? He’s coming.”

  Nico mutters, “Not with you.”

  I peel her off me and move away from her. “I don’t know. If you’re not going to talk to Tesco, make him jealous. I told you that already. That’s all I got.”

  “How?”

  “Sometimes the object of your affection makes it really easy for you.” A lesson I never wanted to learn.

  Nico tells Simone, “Yeah. Gregger should know.”

  This time, I frown as he grins. Simone begs, “I can’t do it alone.”

  “I’m sure you’ll figure out something.”

  Simone pouts, but I’m not buying into her one-way ticket to Guilt Town. I’m quite happy living in Shamelessville. Don’t get me wrong. I do feel shame, just not for things I actually should be ashamed of. Maybe I ate lead paint chips as a kid.

  Nico nods toward the backyard. “Let’s get some food. I think my sister’s lonely.”

  Simone yelps, “What? You won’t help me?”

  “If you need help with your bra, call me then. I’m not helping you with that asshat.”

  Probably against my better judgment but for the sake of my imminent starvation, I follow Nico. Simone trails behind, giving up the Ricky dream for now. Good for her. She wants someone who doesn’t want her. Been there. And he’ll only use her, and she’ll stupidly let him. Double been there.

  While Simone mopes at our table, and since Amos didn’t bother, Nico and I grab food. I didn’t realize how much all this drama shit made me hungry. This time, if Simone tries to steal my food, I’ll cut her.

  When we return to the table, I take the chair next to Ali as Nico sits on the other side of me. Even if more people are sitting here now, it feels lonelier without Hadley. I wish I hadn’t said anything to her or maybe lied better. How in the fuck would I make it as a lawyer when I can’t even lie to my best friend’s face? I don’t know what I did to our friendship, but no matter what I say to her about reevaluating it, I need Hadley in my life. It’s a tolerable pain. It’s a craft beer aftertaste—enduring the bitter to get to the sweet.

  Besides, I love Hadley, and she may be the mother of my kid. I can’t leave her. So, no. I can’t end our friendship, and Wilder demanding I do extra ensures I won’t.

  Ferrara’s right. I know he knows. I’m definitely not that stupid. Damn hell on a cracker. Am I the last to know that everyone already knows? Shit. If he had the same problem, I’d tell him to get a life and to quit feeling sorry for himself. Maybe I should try doing that somehow. If it’s possible. My feelings for Hadley will never change. But since she will continue fucking Wilder and never me, I have to find another sedative to dull that pain on top of the older one. And Shasta definitely isn’t a winner as a painkiller or a disgusting drink.

  Sighing, I try to get my head in the game, hating myself for thinking of another goddamn sports metaphor. Ali immediately leans away, making it clear she wants nothing to do with me. On the other side of her, Val asks her, “What’s wrong?”

  Not making her voice any less obvious, she complains, “All of it. Can we go now?”

  “You’re not having fun?”

  “If hanging out with sweaty amateur baseball players is fun.”

  “It’s softball, chickadee,” I say, grinning between mouthfuls of chicken.

  “Excuse me?” She frowns at me and then checks out her nails. Light pink. Fucking boring.

  “Soft. Ball.”

  Ali doubles down on the frown. “So?”

  “Well, with softball, we have bigger balls.”

  “Sure.”

  “It’s true.”

  Val slides a beer past Ali and says, “This was yours, Greg. It’s warm now. Do you want another?”

  “Uh, no thanks.” I leave the beer where it landed in front of my plate. It’s useless to me now since I lost sight of it when I was in the basement with Shasta and Hadley. Anyone could have slipped something into it when I wasn’t there. I wish I were making this shit up.

/>   Nico says, “Greg is one of our best players.”

  “Aren’t you the one who bruised your ass?”

  “That’s me. I’m clearly tough as nails.”

  “With a bruised ass.”

  Across the table, Simone plops down, glaring at me. She then glances to the bar, where Ricky is leaning onto it, drinking a beer while talking to Grant. Two pricks in a pod. If Wilder were with them, they’d be The Three Doucheketeers. It’s a stretch but whatever. It fits them to a D.

  Simone returns her anger to me, and I shrug. She can mope elsewhere. I refuse to help her with Tesco. Since I’m ignoring her, she whines to Amos about it. Good. Maybe they’ll annoy each other into leaving. This planet if I’m a lucky bastard.

  Nico tells his sister, “You two have something in common.”

  Ali’s face wrinkles like a drunk monkey stomping on an accordion. “I doubt that.”

  “Greg loves music. Just like you.”

  The contempt she has for me is even more evident. Or maybe she had a front-row seat to a bukkake revival and didn’t get hosed enough. “Who doesn’t?”

  “Librarians mostly.”

  Nico stretches behind me, saying, “That town in Footloose didn’t like music.”

  I shove his arm, making him fall back into his chair. “They didn’t like dancing, ass jack.”

  “Oh, yeah. Dancing. Right.”

  “Jesus. Embarrassing.” Shaking my head, I dip a carrot into the hummus. Somewhat disappointed Brandon was okay with the cheap shit.

  Amos says, “I’m one of those people who likes Grease II.”

  I laugh as I sift through my broccoli. “You would.”

  Val laughs even if her daughter realizes she just stepped in a fresh pile of dog shit. “I like that movie, too!”

  “I’ll give you a pass this time, Val,” I tell her, glancing at Amos, who shrugs, falling behind in the newly acquired sarcasm from earlier.

  Nico says, “Well, you might like the same bands.”

  She crumples the fancy maroon linen napkin and throws it on the table. “I hope not.”

  I ask, “What’s your favorite?”

  “Opera.”

  “I didn’t know she sang. A talk show, a book club, a magazine, movies... Give that woman an award.” I snort, and Nico laughs with me. Ali rolls her eyes and turns toward her mother, whispering in her ear. I imagine it’s a glowing review.

  My phone rings, and as Nico takes a drink, he coughs on it and asks, “Is that a Milli Vanilli song?”

  “Duh,” I answer just as Ali stands and goes over to the bar. I watch her go, admiring her ass and wondering what I’m doing, trying to impress her. She has no use for me. I’m in over my head so much that fucking Nemo wouldn’t find me. But she’s a needed distraction, nevertheless.

  While I contemplate the situation, in my ear Shasta asks, “Roddy, you said you were coming over tonight.”

  “I said I might. I’m still at Brandon’s.”

  “I’m getting ready to put her to bed. You need to get your ass over here.”

  “I’m eating. I’m almost done. I’ll stop by for a few minutes.” As I balance holding the phone with one hand and eating with the other, I watch as Ali finds her way to Ricky. What’s so great about him? Oh, yeah. A rock-hard body, dynamic hair, adrenaline, and a badge. Stupid me for thinking I can compete with that impossible shit.

  “You need to see your daughter!” she screeches, and I hold my phone away from my ear as I scoop up a bigger bite of the rigatoni. I wish I could eat like this every day. Catching Val observing me like I’m a vagrant she adopted for a church project, I fire off a quick smile, but that drops, catching Amos watching me instead of listening to Simone rant about me not helping her score police dick. I need to get the hell out of here.

  I roll my eyes and tell Shasta, “Jesus. I heard you the first time.”

  Simone sees who I’m staring at, which only amps up her anger when Ali practically drapes herself over Tesco. I kind of feel bad for Simone because of her craptastic taste in men, but it’s her problem. I have enough of my own shit to deal with.

  In the background, I hear my kid crying, but Shasta’s squeals are louder. “Just get here!” She ends the call, and I dump my phone on the table, determined to actually finish my food.

  While Nico revisits the buffet table, Simone steals Ali’s chair and grabs my phone, still glaring over at Ricky and Ali, who is now whispering in his ear. Yeah, they’re definitely fucking tonight.

  With a mouthful, I ask, “What the hell? Get your damn hands off my phone, Garrison.”

  “Settle the hell down. I’m putting my number in here. From what I heard of your phone call, you’ll need me.”

  “Like a fatal stab wound, which I’d rather have than your help or your number.”

  Val sighs. “Now, Gregory...”

  Simone side-eyes me as she assaults my phone. “You think you can handle Shasta or your daughter all by yourself?”

  “Yeah.” Fuck no.

  “Sure. We’ll see about that.”

  I snatch my phone from her and put it on the other side of my plate. “Get bent.”

  Reaching underneath my arm, Simone takes some of my broccoli from my plate, dipping it in the hummus. Before I can object, she asks, “You’re going to Shasta’s?”

  “Yeah. Why?”

  “Just wondered. I didn’t know you were back with that whore tart.”

  “No way in hell. I’d rather have rabies.”

  She smiles, chewing my stolen food. “I knew you had a brain in there somewhere.”

  “But I still doubt yours.”

  She shrugs, studying the remaining tiny tree. “I like to keep people guessing.”

  “I don’t think many people sit around guessing anything about you.” When she attempts to take more of my food, I shove her hand out of the way.

  Simone then leans onto me and hisses, “Just look at them!”

  I focus on my food before Simone eats it all, giving up on Ali since she’s into Tesco. I don’t want his leftovers, just my actual leftovers. “Who? Gloria? She’s not here. Thank God. I don’t need to lose my appetite.”

  Again, Val scolds, “Gregory.”

  Sitting with his arms over his chest like some kind of dumb oracle in a horrific sci-fi western, Amos says, “Gloria would surprise you, Rod.”

  I laugh. “No thanks. She can keep that secret.”

  Since Ali’s mother is on the other side of Simone, she whispers, “You know who.”

  Looking up from my plate to the same disgusting display Val is also watching, I shrug. “Who cares? At least you know he’s just not that into you.”

  “Why do I have to make a move? Why can’t he? Doesn’t he think I’m a little bit pretty?”

  As we watch Ricky’s hands on Ali’s arms, I’m convinced they’ll be on her tits by the time they reach his car. I say, “Maybe he’s shy.”

  “Come on, Greg. I need your help to make him jealous.”

  “No way. I told you I’m not doing it. Find some other schmo to help you. I think Ferrara’s free.”

  “Say what?” Nico looks away from his sister, confused.

  “Simone wants you to grope her to make Tesco jealous.”

  “Uh... Okay?”

  Simone shoves my arm, making me drop a carrot, which she steals and pops into her mouth. Mid crunching, she says, “Men suck.”

  Nico yawns with a garbled, “I can do that too.”

  Val shakes her head. “Dear Lord.” She leans back, asking, “Nicky, you ready to go? Your sister wanted to leave.” She’ll probably be coming before she leaves.

  Everyone at our table looks toward the bar, and he says, “Doesn’t seem like it now.”

  Val mutters something under her breath, which surprises me somewhat. I thought she’d be happy her daughter is finally taking an interest in the team.

  Nico sighs. “Yeah. We’d better hit the road. I know she’s dying to leave. I’ll see if I can pry her off Ricky.”
>
  I say, “Doubt that.” Checking my watch, I shove out my chair. “I need to go too. This party has worn me out.”

  Amos asks, “You want me to come with you to see Birdy?”

  “Why would I want you to do that?”

  He shrugs, but he may as well tell me it’s because he doesn’t trust what the fuck I do. “Just thought you might want someone with you.”

  “I’m no chauffeur, but you’ll be the first I call if Miss Daisy jumps me.”

  Val groans. “Honestly.” Another movie ruined for Val Dryden. That’s what I’m here for.

  Simone says, “Keep it in your pants this time.”

  “Kiss my—”

  “Gregory...”

  I say to Simone, “Why don’t you keep your tongue in your mouth instead of drooling over that bush troll?” Val shakes her head, giving up on me. She should’ve years ago.

  She tries not to, but Simone laughs. “What the hell is that?”

  “Do you really need a paint-by-number?”

  Gathering her things, Val says, “You should tell Brandon you’re leaving. He’s around here somewhere.”

  “I don’t think he’ll lose sleep if he doesn’t say goodbye to me.” If he’s even still here. He could be at Shasta’s with my kid for all I know.

  When I get my shit together, I give Val a hug and throw a wave to the rest of the table. As I head out, Simone follows. I sigh. “You’re becoming a stalker, Garrison.”

  “You’re just everywhere I need to be.”

  “You don’t want to be everywhere I need to be. Trust me.”

  “Did you see Birdy at all earlier?”

  “Some. I guess that’ll change tonight.” We practically slalom through the primordial fucks blocking our way on the path. Seriously. Did Brandon just empty out a geezer farm for the day? Everywhere I go smells of Ben Gay, mothballs, and coffins.

  Simone keeps up with me on the way out of this geriatric wormhole. “Maybe you should change a diaper while you’re at it. Get some practice.”

  “I don’t plan on having to do that anytime soon.”

  “Really? Why? Once you get the hang of it, it’s not a big deal to do, unless they have a shit bomb. Then—”