Luck of the Draw (Xanth)

by Piers Anthony

  “A reason?” she asked innocently.

  “Caprice Castle travels randomly about Xanth, and we collect puns wherever it lands. We have not yet encountered anything dangerous, like a dragon or evil magic. So we go out in the country, and just happen to meet the helpful and informative great-grandparents of Princess Dawn, at whose castle I am staying, and of Princess Harmony, whom I am supposed to court. I doubt that was really coincidence.”

  Mindy gazed at him assessingly. “You’re pretty savvy.”

  “It’s just common sense. You led me to them, via a safe route.”

  She nodded. “Dawn told me to give you the Tour of Xanth without making a formal thing of it and without putting you in danger. Because there’s a lot you need to know before you can hope to win the princess. It wouldn’t be fair to throw you into that competition unprepared. You’d get killed, or flub it. I think that’s why the Demon Earth arranged for you to go to Caprice Castle. He knew Dawn would take care of you.”

  “The Demon Earth arranged this? I suspect that does make sense. Certainly someone set it up, with the smelly message and all, and the way I landed right at Caprice instead of in a bog. But there must be a considerable random element, because I am hardly the ideal Mundanian for this quest.”

  “We are not equipped to comprehend the motives of Demons. They wager on the most devious and inconsequential things. They do what they do, and we just hope they don’t mess us up too badly.”

  “So maybe I was selected because I’m an unlikely prospect? Too old and ignorant. Maybe that too makes sense.”

  “I don’t think you’re ignorant.”

  “Of magic,” he said. “In that respect I’m an absolute dunce.”

  “But you are learning. You caught on about the guided tour.”

  “Even magic has to have some common sense. And Rachel,” he said, and the dog’s ears perked up. “She was selected too?”

  “She must have been. To help you cope.”

  He reached out and patted the dog. “She does help.”

  “Woofer likes her too.”

  “Woofer’s originally from Mundania,” he said, remembering. “So he would naturally like a—a female dog from Mundania.”

  “A bitch,” she agreed. “It’s not a bad word here. Otherwise it would come out bleep.”

  “Bleep?”

  “Try saying a bad word. Like if you dropped a rock on your toe.”

  “Bleep!” he said. And paused, surprised. “That wasn’t what I said.”

  “There’s a girl and two nice dogs present. That’s why the Adult Conspiracy cut in.”

  “But they’re adults and you’re no child.”

  “I’m two days shy of twenty. Or was, before I came to Xanth. But you’re right: I’m old enough. The Conspiracy extends only to age eighteen. So we don’t know why it struck.”

  There had to be a reason. Bryce filed the minor mystery away for future reference. He had too many important things to learn without struggling with incidentals. “Well, let’s get back to work, before any puns escape. I’m trying to earn my keep.”

  “Yes.”

  They resumed pun collecting. They soon encountered a stag walking disconsolately along the path. Rachel pointed.

  Bryce approached the stag. “Why so sad?”

  “My name is John,” the stag said. “I try to court the does, but all I get is sad letters. It’s depressing.”

  There had to be a pun here. What was it? “May I see one of the letters?”

  “Here.” The stag lifted a forefoot, and in the split of his hoof was a letter. Bryce took it, opened it, and read the first line. DEER JOHN.

  Bryce groaned again. “It’s a Dear John letter!”

  The stag dissolved into vapor and entered the pun bag.

  They came to a small cave. Rachel pointed, so they entered it. It seemed to be an animal’s lair, with straw on the floor and blocks of metal stacked at the back. What was odd was that everything was yellow.

  “A gold den!” Mindy exclaimed. “Golden.”

  The cave dissolved into her bag.

  So it continued. When they got hungry they paused by a pie tree and ate fresh hot pies and drank milk from milkweed pods. By day’s end they had full bags. “Do you know,” Bryce said as they walked back toward the castle. “This may be an arranged tour, and the puns are egregious, but I find I am rather enjoying the scenery and the challenge. And your company. You are answering my questions without becoming impatient or superior.”

  “Thank you,” she said, coloring. “I wanted to get away from the castle. I like adventure.”

  “This must be rather tame adventure for you, with the only challenge being the unriddling of puns.”

  “I like your company too,” she confessed.

  “You told me you committed suicide. Forgive me if this is not a question you wish to answer. Did you have a reason?”

  “Not really. One of my friends did it, and then another, and I was depressed, and I just did it. Looking back now, I wish I had had more patience. Things weren’t as bad as they seemed at the time, and if I had thought about the likely effect on others, such as my family and friends, I wouldn’t have done it. I just wasn’t thinking straight.”

  “Your situation differed from mine,” Bryce said. “I didn’t have many real family or friends left, so there weren’t many to hurt. All I faced was increasing discomfort, pain, and certain death anyway. But it wasn’t something I wanted to do.”

  “And here we both are in Xanth,” she said. “It’s better for me, and maybe for you too.”

  “Definitely better for me,” he agreed. “Despite this foolishness with the princess.”

  They reached the castle, got their bags of puns processed in, and relaxed. Another day was done. Bryce hadn’t gotten nauseous. He was adapting.

  * * *

  The next day there was an elegant castle in sight, with many turrets and flags. “That’s Castle Maidragon, that the triplets made,” Mindy said. “I understand King Trent and Queen Iris are visiting there now. They are the other great-grandparents.”

  “What’s their magic?”

  “He is a transformer. He can change any living thing into some other living thing. She’s the mistress of Illusion. They ruled Xanth for a long time before retiring.”

  “They want to check me out, just in case?”

  “Just in case,” she agreed. “I think the way the other princesses found their partners was unsettling, so they are watching the last one more carefully.” She looked around. “Where are the dogs?”

  The dogs appeared. “We stay home,” Rachel said. “If okay.”

  “Woof,” Woofer agreed.

  This was unusual. “You sure?” Bryce asked Rachel.

  “No. But Dawn says.”

  “She wants me to get more experience on my own?”

  “Yes.” Rachel was obviously uneasy about this, but Princess Dawn’s word was evidently law, here in Caprice.

  Bryce shrugged. “So be it.”

  He and Mindy went out with their pun bags. “What’s this experience I am supposed to get today?”

  “I think you are supposed to learn to use your talent effectively.”

  “Oh, that. Then I’d better turn it on.” He focused, as it were, on his left eye. “Second Sight, Tune In.”

  Immediately he saw a tree about twenty paces closer than it was. That was where he would be in ten seconds. He closed his left eye, then reopened it cautiously, schooling his mind to orient on the vision of his right eye. The alternate vision of the left eye remained, but now he ignored it. Only if it showed real danger would he take it seriously. Most of the time he neither needed nor wanted future vision. Ten seconds was after all pretty limited.

  He saw a large yellow flower. No, it was a cup filled with butter. “Buttercup,” he said, plucking it.

  The cup dissolved, its pun expended. But now two of his fingers, actually his finger and thumb, the ones that had touched the cup, had become bars of butter. He cou
ld not use them in the normal manner.

  “Oh, no, you’ve got butter fingers!” Mindy said.

  The butter dissipated, and his normal digits returned. She had fathomed the second pun.

  They walked on toward the other castle. There was a gully, which became a cleft in the land, deep and dark. They paused at the brink. “I’ve seen something like this before,” Mindy said. “But I can’t remember exactly what it was.”

  “That’s because you’re duller than an ogress, and almost as pretty,” a voice called from the depth.

  “Now I remember,” she said. “It’s a sar chasm.”

  The chasm evened out, becoming a mere dip in the ground. But now several monkeylike creatures appeared, evidently evicted from their home in the depth. “What a bag!” one cried. “That’s not a bag, that’s her face,” another said. “And look at the idiot who’s with her,” a third said. “He gives ugly a bad name.”

  “And these are the sars from the chasm,” Mindy said grimly. “Making sar caustic jokes.”

  The sars, exposed, dissipated.

  They came to Castle Maidragon. A dragon raced around it and bore down on them. It was an impressively fearsome creature, with spreading wings and puffs of fire from its snout. But Bryce, seeing ten seconds ahead, realized it was about to stop without attacking. He held his ground, as did Mindy.

  The dragon stood before them, considering. It had bright green scales, a purplish tinge at the end of its wings, and of course a fearsome toothy snout.

  “I am Mindy, serving at Caprice Castle,” Mindy said boldly. “This is Bryce, a suitor for Princess Harmony. Princess Dawn sent him to interview King Trent.”

  The dragon became a girl with blond hair and brown eyes. “And I am Becka, caretaker of Castle Maidragon, for the three princesses. It is my job to protect this castle from unwarranted intrusions. Do you have better identification?”

  “Not exactly,” Mindy said. “But I believe King Trent will recognize me.”

  “Wait here.” The girl turned and walked into the castle.

  “Castle Maidragon,” Bryce said. “Maintained and guarded by a maid who is also a dragon.”

  “Yes. The three princesses have other things to do, so they aren’t here much, but they want it kept in good order.”

  “If I married Princess Harmony, is this where we’d live?”

  Mindy was startled. “I thought you had no intention.”

  “True. It’s an academic question.”

  “Yes, probably you would live here. Her sisters have other things in mind.”

  Becka emerged. “Magician Trent will be out shortly, with Queen Iris,” she said, impressed. “Princess Dawn must have mirrored him about your visit.”

  Mirrored: contacted him via magic mirrors, which could be much like visual telephones. Xanth had facilities similar to those of Mundania, only powered by magic instead of science.

  “Thank you,” Mindy said.

  “Do I know you?” Becka asked. “You seem somehow familiar.”

  “I’m just a maid at Caprice Castle. Before that I was—elsewhere.”

  “I guess not,” Becka said. “Well, back to business.” She transformed back into dragon form and ran off.

  “A literal dragon girl,” Bryce said, amazed. “I am still being surprised by things.”

  “There are surely more surprises in store. But we’ll try to get you safely through them.”

  A man and a woman emerged from the castle. He was tall, stately, about thirty-nine, with a commanding presence, wearing a formidable-looking sword. She was a breathtakingly lovely thirty-seven.

  “Bryce?” the man said, shaking his hand. “Trent. This is my wife Iris. I understand you’re from Mundania.”

  “Yes, recently. I’m still adapting to this remarkable land.”

  “I spent twenty years in Mundania. I remember it well. But I was in a different time.”

  “You are going to marry Harmony?” the woman asked sternly.

  “No!” Bryce said. “I mean, this isn’t my idea. I’m older than I look, and she’s a virtual child.”

  “How old are you?”

  “Eighty.”

  “I am a hundred and fourteen, youthened to thirty-nine. My wife is a hundred and ten, youthened to thirty-seven. So we’re a generation beyond you.”

  “I have to believe it,” Bryce said. “Because it happened to me. But I am amazed regardless.”

  “Magic does change things,” Trent said. “Let’s get out in the field where we can work on your talent.”

  “My talent isn’t much. One eye sees ten seconds ahead.”

  “That’s enough,” Iris said. “Stand where you are. Orient on me. Use your talent.”

  What was she up to? Bryce stood and watched her.

  In half a moment his left eye saw her clothing become translucent, then transparent. He saw right through it to her bra and panties. They were excellently filled. Then she turned around, and he saw her panties from behind.

  Fingers snapped near his ear. “Snap out of it,” Trent said. “Your second sight won’t help you that way.”

  “I—I must have freaked out.”

  “Exactly. She flashed her panties, and you were gone. You have to learn how to protect yourself from that. Otherwise a damsel and a dragon could wipe you out without even a token fight. Do you think dragons associate with damsels out of mere niceness? The damsels earn their keep.”

  Obviously true. “How can I protect myself?”

  “Put your second sight in second mode. Damp it down halfway, so that the panties lack sufficient detail to freak. Then, forewarned, avoid the view with your right eye.”

  Bryce had tried to do something like that before, but with inconsistent success. They worked on it, and Bryce began to gain the control he needed. Then Iris tried him again. This time when her clothing faded, so did his vision, fuzzing the details. When she turned around it was almost as if she were wearing tight pants; they impressed him without freaking him. When it started with his right eye, he simply gazed at her head, no lower, knowing exactly what to avoid.

  “But I must say,” he said to her, “you have a most impressive figure for your age. Either age.”

  Iris laughed. “It’s all illusion. I was never that sexy in real life.”

  “Illusion?” He had been told, but somehow had not really picked up on it. In Mundania illusion usually meant sleight of hand.

  “Remember, she is the Sorceress of Illusion,” Trent said. “She can make anything appear. We shall be seeing more of that soon.”

  “I am impressed, regardless.”

  “Thank you,” Iris said.

  “We will start with illusory threats,” Trent said. “When you can navigate those, we’ll try some real ones.”

  “I appreciate your effort,” Bryce said. “But I can’t see why I am worth your attention.”

  “Two reasons,” Trent said. “Retirement gets dull after a few decades, so we don’t mind helping out when needed. We also value our offspring, and all five great-granddaughters are remarkable girls. Harmony is perhaps the most practical of the triplets, and we hope to help steer her right.”

  “The others went wrong?”

  “Eve married Pluto, the Demon of Hades. Dawn married a walking skeleton. Oh, he has a good skull on his shoulder bones, and he is Xanth’s most talented musician, but perhaps you can appreciate the social awkwardness.”

  Bryce did not want to criticize his hosts. “They seem to have made a compatible family.”

  “Indeed, and those crossbreed children are cute. But we had some worried moments.”

  “We certainly did,” Iris agreed. “It’s hard to fathom what the latest generation is coming to.”

  “Melody took up with the Dastard, a despicable man,” Trent continued. “Fortunately she has converted him to decency, but it was ugly for a while. Rhythm took up with a cyborg, a perfectly decent man/machine, but she was only twelve years old at the time. Her mother, our granddaughter Ivy, nearly freaked
out.”

  “Understandable,” Bryce agreed. He was finding Trent’s attitudes compatible. “The Adult Conspiracy—if it prevents even bad words from being uttered in the presence of children, it must really be appalled at the notion of a child being romantic with a grown man.” Such as a sixteen-year-old princess with an eighty-year-old man.

  “It is. But a willful Sorceress finds loopholes, and Rhythm did. Harmony has at least avoided that sort of thing. There’s been no awkwardness or scandal associated with her. It is part of the reason we assorted elders designated her to be a future figure of importance. But this Demon Contest business threatens to mess her up too.”

  “She can’t simply opt out?”

  Trent, Iris, and Mindy laughed together. That was answer enough.

  “Well, I hope she gets a good man,” Bryce said.

  “Remember,” Iris said. “That girl is a Sorceress. It is dangerous ever to underestimate one of those.”

  “So I gather. But I believe I was selected mainly to round out a suitable roster, and I will wash out soon enough.”

  “Don’t count on it,” Trent said. “We are assuming that you are viable, and that Harmony will be interested in you.”

  “We want you to be the best that you can be,” Iris said. “Just in case.”

  “I can never be of her generation, regardless of my physical body.”

  “Yet if she chooses you,” Iris said, “you must be ready. She has already shown an interest.”

  “We met only briefly, via a magic mirror, and she was not pleased.”

  Iris looked at Mindy. “What do you think, dear?”

  “I think she was not pleased to be put up like a prize for strangers to claim,” Mindy said. “It had nothing to do with Bryce personally.”

  “But if she has to choose from several contestants, it is possible she would choose him.”

  “It is possible,” Mindy agreed.

  Then a flying dragon wheeled in the sky and stroked directly for them. Bryce saw it with his left eye. It wasn’t Becka in dragon mode. This one was larger and uglier, and it was blowing out huge puffs of smoke. It was going to collide with them!

  “Get out of the way!” Bryce cried, trying to push them to the side. “We have only ten seconds!”