Luck of the Draw (Xanth)

by Piers Anthony

  It was Harmony.

  The jaws of the Suitors dropped, including Bryce’s. The princess had been with them all along! What had they said about her, what embarrassing secrets had they revealed, thinking themselves secure from her presence?

  Harmony smiled. “I apologize for deceiving you. It was my purpose to get to know all of you Suitors in an informal setting, so as to have a better basis for my decision. I could have watched you via the Tapestry, but that seemed too distant. I have been advised that the small details of routine interpersonal interaction can in time become more important than the more obvious things. So I chose a more personal way.”

  It was slowly sinking in. It was Princess Harmony whom Bryce had saved from the dragons! How could he not have recognized her? Now he remembered little hints, such as the way bad words were bleeped out, indicating the presence of a person under age eighteen. The Night Stallion speaking of the deviousness of the smartest princess. Trojan had known. And Gwenny Goblin, Queen of Goblin Mountain: she knew Harmony too, and had kept her secret.

  Harmony seemed to read his thought. “There was a spell to prevent any of you from fathoming my identity. Otherwise you surely would have caught on. There was also magic protecting me from actual harm. Those dragons would not really have torn me apart.”

  He had thrown away his chance to get the Monocle for nothing? Bryce could not accept that.

  “I thank all of you for your gifts,” Princess Harmony continued. “They will be added to the Castle Roogna armory for me to use when the occasion warrants. All of you are worthy Suitors, and I might have married any of you, but I have settled on one. The others will be released from the love spell and allowed to get on with their own lives hereafter.”

  She paused, gathering her thoughts. Then she addressed Lucky. “Lucky, I gave you a charm to help focus your luck, and you used it well when we needed to escape the goblin women. Your gift of the magic Dress is worthy. But I think I do not want to depend overly much on luck or aesthetic appeal to govern properly. I thank you for your participation, and am releasing you.”

  Lucky’s jaw dropped a second time. “I don’t love you!”

  “You are no longer spelled,” she agreed.

  Lucky relaxed, seeming pleased to be released.

  Harmony turned to Pose. “I appreciate the Ring of Power, but I hope to govern more by reconciliation than brute force. I would also have to be wary of your private objective.”

  “Yes,” Pose agreed. “You would become subject to my will.”

  “I doubt it,” Harmony said. “You would obey my will.”

  “I would?”

  She leaned down and kissed him. A little anvil appeared over his head, with a sledgehammer smashing down on it. The anvil fragmented.

  “I would,” Pose said, amazed, and sank into unconsciousness. He was a demon, but it seemed was vulnerable to a mortal kiss. Some things transcended demon nature.

  “She’s no patsy,” Anna murmured to Bryce.

  Bryce nodded. Indeed she was not. He had wondered whether there would be more surprises; now they were coming rapidly.

  Harmony turned to Arsenal. “Perhaps someday I will use the Sword,” she said. “It is certainly a worthy gift. But you are too gruff and imperious for my taste; our union would soon fray. I am releasing you.”

  Arsenal nodded, accepting the verdict.

  The princess turned to Piper. “I was delighted by the way you used my gift to you, enchanting us all with your music. I have also learned to appreciate your monster qualities. You are a worthy person, and I might live with you and come to love you in time. But I have a confession.”

  Piper wasn’t the only one to look at her with surprise.

  “Those gifts—all of them—had an ulterior purpose,” Harmony continued. “They enabled me to observe each of you at any time. But as it turned out, I was able to learn much directly, by sharing your company as the group of you sought the Objects. I saw that you had come to love another woman despite the spell on you. I saw how gladly you rejoined her after she completed her Quest. I would not care to break that up. You are released.”

  “Thank you, Princess,” Piper said, seeming truly grateful.

  Now Harmony turned to Anna. “You too are worthy, having performed remarkably despite being under unkind duress. I think I can’t say the same for your brother, who it seems lacked the interest to show up for this occasion.” She looked hard at Anna. “Do you care to explain that, Anna? Because I am not going to marry you, regardless of your merit.”

  There was stifled laughter in the audience.

  Anna, flushing, took a deep breath. “I cannot.”

  “Remember what I said about the tokens I gave each of you. I overheard your reverse dialogue with Bryce, and understood it. Were I to choose you, it will be revealed. I hope you will forgive me for keeping that secret. I hope to keep you as a friend, rather than marrying your brother. You are released.”

  So Harmony knew Anna’s secret, and was keeping it.

  “Thank you,” Anna breathed, tears flowing down her face. “You are generous.” She surely would be Harmony’s friend, and not just because of that secret. The two had gotten along well during the Quest.

  “No I am not,” Harmony said. “Because my decision was preempted some time ago. You see, I fell in love myself.”

  She turned to Bryce. “Anna was right: I love you, Bryce, and I find your advice on judgment to be as worthy as any magical gift you could have brought me. You made by far the most effective use of the gift I gave you, of all the Suitors. And you did save my life, as far as you knew.”

  Bryce spread his hands, uncertain what to say.

  “Bryce, I respect you and I love you. Now I can say it as myself.” As she said those words, she seemed phenomenally sincere and beautiful. “Will you marry me?”

  Just like that!

  What could he do but answer? “No.”

  There was a concerted gasp. The entire stadium seemed to freeze in place. This time he had really done it.

  Harmony did not seem completely surprised. “Why not?”

  “You are too young for me. I am quintuple your age.”

  “So you are,” she agreed. “But you have been permanently youthened to five years over my age. You have the chance to start over, and do it right.”

  “I do,” he agreed guardedly.

  “Do you love me?”

  “Yes.” Because of the spell he was under.

  “Then I ask you again: will you marry me?”

  He hated this. But he had to do what he had to do, though his heart break. “No.”

  Harmony scanned the audience. “Magician Humfrey.”

  The Good Magician stood. “Yes, Princess.”

  “I have chosen, but he has denied me. Does this acquit the Demon’s Quest?”

  “I believe it does,” Humfrey said, surprised. “The point was for you to choose. Technically he does not have to accept.”

  “Thank you.”

  Harmony glanced at King Ivy. “Mother?”

  King Ivy returned to center stage. “You little minx!” she said fondly. “You knew he would turn you down despite the love enchantment!”

  And there it was. Princess Harmony had known exactly what she was doing.

  “Now I am free, am I not?” Harmony said. “To make my own choice, in my own time, free of Demon direction.”

  “I believe you are,” Ivy agreed, smiling with a new respect for her smart but willful daughter.

  Her two sisters applauded as Harmony went to join them. The three stood together, like the very similar triplets they were.

  “But what do the Demons think?” Ivy asked, somewhat nervously.

  A dragon with the head of a donkey appeared on the stage: a dragon ass. Beside him was a beautiful woman.

  “The Demon Xanth!” Anna murmured beside Bryce. “And his consort the Lady Chlorine.”

  “The Demons are satisfied,” Chlorine said. “Demon Earth’s candidate won the Quest. Demo
n Xanth is pleased too: Princess Harmony outwitted the Demons, playing by their rules to achieve her freedom regardless. That won Xanth a point.”

  “Thank you, Lady Chlorine,” Ivy said. “We are relieved.”

  “Welcome. It was superlative entertainment.” Dragon and Lady faded out.

  “This event is concluded,” Ivy told the audience. “Eat, drink, be merry, and go home.”

  The entire assembly broke into applause. It had been a good show with a surprising outcome.

  Bryce felt weak with relief. He had feared possible destruction. Now he was free.

  Except for one thing: he still loved Princess Harmony. She had not released him.

  15

  DEMON WAGER

  Caprice Castle came to collect them. Bryce got his old room back. It was mundane, in a manner, after the adventure he had participated in. He was no longer a Suitor, merely a refugee from Mundania with a job to do: collecting puns. He had hardly had time to unwind, yet he was already suffering a letdown. In fact he was bored.

  Why had he turned down the Princess Harmony? Yes, she was a fifth his age; yes she was a princess, while he was nobody. But this was a different land with different rules. He could have had a remarkable time with her, had he been willing to unbend.

  But he was what he was, an old man who had learned to be governed by common sense, not superficial luster. Despite considerable temptation.

  “May I get you anything?”

  He jumped. He hadn’t heard her come in. “Mindy! But you—you’re—”

  “I am the real Mindy,” she said. “Not the princess. She borrowed my form for the event. I wasn’t there.”

  He saw now that she was different. The Mindy on the adventure had slimmed down, becoming more like the princess. This one was solid. The Mindy on the Quest had dispensed with the glasses; this one still used them. “So you’re—”

  “I am not in love with you,” Mindy said.

  “Who was I with, before the Quest?”

  “Her. You and I have not met before, directly. I understand it was quite an adventure.”

  “It was,” he agreed. “I’m glad to meet you, Mindy. Will you be helping me cope, out in the field?”

  “Yes, if you wish. But I understand you have gotten pretty sharp at handling magic things.”

  “Not sharp enough, I think.”

  “Tomorrow we’ll start.”

  There was a bark. “Is that Woofer?”

  “Yes, cautioning a puppy. They are barely a week old, too young to be trusted out alone, but they will surely become excellent pun sniffers, as their mother Rachel was.”

  “I hope she’s happy back in Mundania.” That gave him an idea. “Could I return similarly?”

  Mindy considered. “Maybe you could, unlike me. You didn’t die. I’ll inquire.”

  She had died? Oh, yes, now he remembered. Suicide. She, or rather the princess, had told him. He decided not to pursue that further. “Thank you.”

  But there was one thing he wanted to verify. “What do you know about relativity and quantum mechanics?”

  “No more than the average layman. I must confess I took a certain satisfaction from the way Einstein himself found instantaneous action at a distance spooky. If he didn’t understand quantum mechanics, how could I?”

  “My position exactly,” he agreed. “How about an event horizon?”

  “That’s the invisible sphere around a black hole beyond which nothing can escape, not even light itself. It’s a scary concept, but actually we’re in no danger of encountering one directly. Time dilation would make any approach seem eternal. Astronomers speculate that the fundamental laws of the universe may break down and become null within that sphere.”

  “Surely so.”

  “Why did you ask?”

  “I just wanted to make sure that you are the real Mindy, from Mundania. The pretend Mindy drew a blank on those subjects.”

  Mindy laughed. “She would. She’s not stupid, she’s eerily smart, but Xanthians just don’t know about things like that.”

  “To be sure. Just as Mundanians don’t know about the intricacies of magic.”

  “Or the need to sequester puns,” she agreed, smiling.

  In the morning they set out, riding duplicate trikes. The terrain was new to Bryce, but that wasn’t surprising as Caprice Castle was in a new place every day. “I feel I know you,” he said, “though actually I don’t. Because of thinking it was you during the Quest.” Now he noticed that she no longer wore the glasses.

  “That’s understandable,” she said. “I feel I know you too, having watched you so much. I was in Harmony’s room most of the time, tracking you via the Tapestry, though that doesn’t have sound.”

  “Yes. I knew we were being observed. I just didn’t realize how closely.”

  They pedaled on, finding convenient paths.

  “I really like the trike, now that I’ve seen it used,” Mindy said. “I saw in the Tapestry how Anna and Harmony, in the guise of me, flashed their panties at the trolls.”

  “You should have worn jeans today,” he said, realizing that she was in a dress.

  “No, I’m trying to be more like her, doing naughty things, and not just by giving up my unnecessary glasses. You have to promise not to look, if you get the chance, and not mean it. I promise not to flash you, and not mean it. Accidents happen.”

  “But you have no romantic interest in me. Why should you flash me?”

  “For practice. I know you won’t take advantage of me, and if you freak out I’ll know I overdid it. Then when I encounter a man I want to impress without seeming to be forward, I’ll know how.”

  He laughed. “You’re saying we can be friends, and offer friendly advice even when it comes to naughty glimpses, despite hardly knowing each other.”

  “Exactly. I have never freaked out a man, but after seeing Harmony do it with my body, I’d like to try. But not with someone I know well. He might just laugh.”

  He glanced across at her legs, and found that from this angle he could not quite see her panties. So it was safe for now. “If I freak out, let me roll to a stop and then snap your fingers.”

  “I will.”

  They rounded a curve in a narrowing section of the path, and she took the lead because she knew where they were going. When she turned in front of him—

  He was no longer moving. She was off her trike, standing beside him. “Oops—did I—?”

  “Yes, you freaked out,” she said, pleased.

  “I did look,” he admitted unnecessarily.

  She kissed him on the cheek. “My first time! I’m so thrilled.”

  “Congratulations,” he said wryly.

  She returned to her trike and resumed pedaling. Curious, he looked again. His vision fuzzed, but he did not freak out. It seemed that the same view was not as effective when immediately repeated. He continued to look, learning to control his reaction. When he caught a glimpse of her actual panties as her legs flexed, and remained conscious, he knew he was getting there.

  She glanced back at him. “Are you staring at me?”

  “Yes. I’m trying to become immune to panties, so I’m not vulnerable. Do you mind?”

  “No. Look all you want. I’m just glad it worked the first time. That means it should work on any strange men I encounter.”

  “It should,” he agreed. He was coming to appreciate how the magic of panties could protect a girl from lascivious strangers, without necessarily interfering with romance.

  They reached the punning section. They parked their trikes and unlimbered their pun sacks.

  Bryce spied a blinding light in the bush. He shaded his eyes and went for it. It turned out to be a pair of darkened spectacles whose lenses shone like sunbeams. “Sun glasses!” he exclaimed, swooping them up.

  “I found one too,” Mindy said. She showed her capture. It appeared to be a duck, at least had a duck’s head. But its body was a strip of paper. In fact it was a dollar bill. “A Duck Bill.” She stuffe
d it into her bag, heedless of its quacking protest.

  Bryce almost groaned. They were definitely back at work.

  In the afternoon the three princesses appeared, replete with similar brown, red, and green dresses and similar hairdos.

  “Hello, folks,” Melody said.

  “You asked a question,” Harmony continued.

  “So we brought the answer,” Rhythm concluded.

  They were definitely playing their public roles. But the effect was spoiled for Bryce, because of his spelled love for Harmony. He knew her not as a posing triplet, but as a remarkable young woman. “Question?” he asked somewhat blankly.

  “Whether you can go back to Mundania,” Mindy said. “I asked Dawn, and she must have gotten in touch with them.”

  “Oh. Yes,” he agreed.

  “We asked the Good Magician,” Melody began.

  “We can do that without hassle because we’re Sorceresses,” Harmony concluded.

  “And he said yes, you can return, if the route is marked,” Rhythm finished.

  “So we marked it,” Melody said.

  “For twenty-four hours,” Harmony added.

  “And you have to use it in that time, or lose it,” Rhythm said.

  Bryce was surprised. Could it really be that easy? “Where is it?”

  The three pointed. “There,” they said together.

  And there it was: a path marked in bright blue. It led through the brush and out of sight.

  “I can just ride along it now, and be back home?”

  “You can,” Melody said.

  “If you want to,” Harmony added somewhat tightly.

  “Do you?” Rhythm asked.

  Suddenly Bryce was gripped with acute indecision. “I don’t know.”

  “It will be here,” Melody said.

  “A full day and night,” Harmony said, her gaze fixed on him.

  “Then gone forever,” Rhythm finished.

  Then the three of them faded from view.

  Bryce felt weak. “I can return,” he said. “But I don’t know whether I want to. Over there I’ll be eighty years old, alone, with chronic health complaints, and a likely death within a year or two. Yet it is home.”

  “Home,” Mindy agreed, evidently experiencing her own memories.