by Erin Trejo
“He’s suck a fucking asshole,” Jenny mumbles.
“No shit.”
“Oh, bad words!” Joey says pointing to the jar on the counter. I giggle and grab a dollar out of my pocket slipping it into the jar.
“Pretty soon you’ll be able to buy a car with that money,” I tell him nodding toward the jar on the counter.
“Because you and momma have a bad mouth.” He jumps from his chair and runs into the living room. A few minutes later I can hear the sound of cartoons and watch as Carmon runs off behind her big brother.
“Hi daddy!” I hear Joey’s voice; my eyes find Jenny. We never know what Jack we’re going to get. The sweet one, the one we knew growing up. The tired one that doesn’t like to be talked to or the high one that is so paranoid we have to lock him in the attack. Guess we’ll see.
“Mornin’,” he says walking over and pressing a kiss to Jenny’s head as he scratches at his chest.
“Morning to you too,” I respond as she smiles up at him. Guess we are getting the sweet Jack today.
“You want some breakfast?” Jenny asks about to climb up from her chair but he shakes his head and motions for her to stay where she is.
“I got it. How’s my little bean in there?” He nods toward her stomach.
“She’s kicking up a storm. Giving me bad heartburn too.”
“That’s what Carmon did and you saw the head of hair she had,” he adds. The mood is light today and for that I’m thankful. Some days when Jack comes home things can get bad and from bad to worse.
“I need to get going. I’ll see you guys later,” I tell them as I stand from the table and head for the door.
“Hey, Dawson leave already?” Jack calls out.
“Yeah not long ago.” He nods his head and goes back to making his breakfast. Jenny and I share a glance knowing that Dawson is the reason Jack is the way he is today. He’s the reason he’s so fucked up on drugs. Stupid bastard.
31
Ryder
I look at her like she’s grown two heads. I tried to leave her ass at the local Soulless Bastards clubhouse but she’s trying to refuse.
“Just take me with you,” she whines, pouting her lips.
“What the fuck would I do that for?” I ask her with my hands on my hips. This woman has lost all common sense in the last three minutes.
“Why not? We’re always together, Ryder. Why can’t I go?” I’m exasperated with this one. She’s the reason I drink so damn much.
“How about because I said no? Or that you ain’t my old lady?”
“Or because I’m not her!” Rose snaps. I take a deep breath and try not to snap but she’s pushing me.
“You’ve lost your mind. Get your ass in that clubhouse and I’ll call you later,” I tell her was I turn around and walk toward my bike.
“Do you love me?” That question. I’ve never hated that word until my heart was ripped out of my chest all those years ago. After that, I saw that love wasn’t real. It was a figment of people’s minds. I lower my head and turn to face her once more.
“You know the answer to that,” I tell her softly. Rose knows I don’t love anyone but my family. I don’t think I could love again if I had to. I’ve watched what this so called love has done to people. It rips them apart, tears out their souls.
“We’ve been together for six years, Ryder.”
“Yeah, we have but not the way you’re thinkin’, darlin’. Don’t do this, Rose. What we have is good. Why do you wanna ruin that?” My eyes lock with hers and I can see the tears ready to fall. I don’t need this, not today. Instead of watching her break down, I turn on my heel and grab my helmet just as my phone rings. With a long sigh, I grab it and pull it out seeing it’s my dad.
“Hey, Pop. I’m on my way that way. It’ll take me a few days to make it,” I tell him. He doesn’t answer right away. “Pop? You there?”
“Ryder…fuck, son. I don’t want to do this over the phone.”
“Pop? What is it?” My body grows tense as something harsh settles in my chest. I already know what this is. I was almost prepared for it.
“Your brother…Jack’s dead.” His words slam into me and all the air is knocked from my lungs. I knew it was coming, I could feel it. I slowly drop to my knees when I feel Rose’s hands on my shoulders. The phone falls to the ground in front of me and I can vaguely hear her asking what’s wrong but everything else just seems to fade out.
I failed him.
I failed my brother.
I should have been there for him, taking care of him. I’m the fucking oldest! I should have been there!
“I should have saved him,” I grumble.
“What happened, Ryder?” I grab her and pull her around in front of me, wrapping my arms around her waist as I let the reality settle.
“He’s dead. My brother’s dead,” I say my voice catching in my throat.
“Oh my God. I’m so sorry.” I can hear the pain in her voice. It isn’t like I treat Rose like garbage, it’s the opposite really. I care about her but I don’t love her. She’s a friend.
“I fucked up, Rose. I should have been there. I should have been there to help him, to save him!” Sadness turns to anger in seconds. Anger at myself for not being there. Anger at the assholes that got him into this shit. Anger at everyone. Pulling away from her, I shove off the ground and grab my phone, stuffing it back into my pocket.
“Are you sure you should ride right now?” Rose asks sweetly. I nod my head and look down at her, sorry that I can’t love her, sorry that I can’t be a better person for her. There are so many things that I’m sorry for right now.
“I need to go. I’ll call you.” She gives me a sad smile almost as if she knows this is it. Like she can sense that I’m not coming back for her. In my mind, I’d like to think that’s a lie but in my heart, I know it’s the truth. She’s gotten to close to me. I allowed her in and now I have to walk away. I need to put that barricade back up between me and everyone else. The world around me is cold and I need to learn to live there once again. I let myself get comfortable with Rose. I calmed down. I stopped taking as many jobs and the urge to kill slowly subsided. Now? Now I want revenge. It’s almost like its own drug seeping into my pores. It’s running through my veins and I can taste it on the tip of my tongue. All it will take is one hit. One kill and I’ll be back to the man this world once made me. As I climb on my bike and rev it up, I take one last look at Rose. She stands there crying, her arms wrapped around herself. She’ll be fine. She has family in the SBMC. She grew up in this life. But as I see the tears pouring down her cheeks, I can’t help but wonder if I’m making a mistake. Either way it doesn’t matter. With one final nod, I take off heading back to the one place that I didn’t want to be. The one place I should have stayed for my family. The only reason I’m going back now is for my brother.
32
Xena
We’re all in shock. The kids don’t understand. Jenny and I sit on the porch swing in the dark just breathing. I hear her hiccup a sob every once in a while. There’s this feeling in the back of my heart though. Almost like I knew it was coming and it was just a matter of time. I know that’s a horrible thing to think but it is what it is. Jack was like a train wreck most days. I saw it all but I couldn’t do anything to stop him. None of us could.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do without him,” she whispers. I slip my hand over and wrap it around hers, giving it a squeeze. It’s the best I can do considering my heart is breaking right along with hers.
“We’ll get through this. I love you, Jenny.” She sobs a little more when I scoot closer to her. Pulling her into my side, I hold her. My sister’s heart is breaking and there is nothing I can do to help her. She’s falling apart and crumbling and I can only stand by and watch. Jack wasn’t a bad man. He just did bad things. He got into shit that he didn’t know how to get out of. It ruined his life. Ruined her life.
“He was so happy this morning,” she says softly.
/> “I know.”
“I don’t know what happened. Why would someone do this to him?” she cries harder.
“I don’t know, honey. We’ll figure it out.” I try to be reassuring but I don’t know the people Jack was mixed up with. I know they weren’t the good guys, that much I am sure of. The sound of a motorcycle catches my attention. It’s been a long time since I’ve heard one of those around here. Jenny and I both stand when we see headlights coming up the driveway.
“Go inside,” I tell her as I slip my hand under the cushion on the swing and grab the gun.
“I’m not leaving you out here!”
“Get inside! You’re pregnant,” I hiss. She moves quickly as I pull the gun and hold it behind my back. Keeping my back straight, I stand tall as I watch the bike get closer. My heart hammers in my chest as the lights go off and a man steps off the bike. He walks toward the steps as I raise the gun and aim.
“Who the fuck are you and what do you want?” I say each word with conviction. I will shoot to kill and not think about it until after. I may not know the idiots that Jack and Dawson run with but I sure as hell have heard the rumors.
“Never thought I’d see the day you had a gun in your hand.” His gruff voice causes me to gasp. I don’t lower the gun. Why should I?
“What are you doing here?”
“My brother just died. Thought that much was obvious,” he says pulling his helmet from his head. His long blonde hair tumbles around his shoulders as he looks up at me.
“Yeah, I’m sorry, Ryder but what the hell are you doing at my house?”
“My sister in law lives here still doesn’t she? My niece and nephew?” He asks cocking his head to the side. He’s here for her, not for me. I don’t know what sick part of me actually thought he would come back for me anyway. He left me. Six years ago, he left and didn’t look back. Slowly, I lower the gun and nod toward the door.
“She’s inside.”
“How is she?” He asks stepping closer to me to get to the door. My stomach trembles. It’s the same feeling I had all those years ago.
“Oh, she’s great. She just lost the love of her life, wonder how she feels?” I say being a smartass. This is what he does to me. He brings it out of me, always has.
“I know how that feels,” he says brushing past me and walking inside. My heart leaps into my throat. I’m suddenly speechless. Was he talking about us? Surely he wasn’t talking about me. There’s no way. I shake my head and try to get it on straight before walking inside. I stick the gun up on top of the cabinet just inside the door when I see him kneeling down on the floor.
“You’re my uncle,” Joey says looking up at him.
“Yeah, that’s me. How did you know that?” Ryder asks him.
“Daddy told me about you. He showed me pictures of you too.” The sob that rips out of my chest didn’t go unnoticed. Ryder stands and turns to me.
“I know you cared about him too, Xena.” His voice is soft and full of pain. That was his brother. We all grew up together. We played together as kids. As the tears stream down my cheeks, I realize that I hadn’t taken a second to think about that. I didn’t take a minute to allow myself to mourn because Jenny and the kids need me now. Before I can overthink it, Ryder has me pulled into his arms, running his hand down my hair.
“He loved you too, Xena.” The tears fall harder when I hear Jenny. This is a mess. It’s a horrific mess and my heart is slowly crumbling inside of me.
“Ryder?” Pulling out of his arms, I wipe my face when he turns to face her. She rushes toward him, nearly leaping into his arms as she cries. My heart hurts for her, for him. For all of us.
“It’s okay, darlin’. I’m so damn sorry,” he whispers to her. Joey stands and walks over, grabbing my hand. Glancing down at him, I can see so much of Jack it hurts.
“Is momma okay?” I kneel down in front of him and pull him into my arms.
“She’s going to be fine, buddy. She just needs some time to cry.”
“Like when Carmon cries when her crayons break?”
“Just like that. She’ll be okay though.” Joey pulls away and goes back to his toys when I hear another car pulling up. Moving quickly, I grab the gun and step outside but Ryder is right behind me.
“Expectin’ someone?” He asks and I shake my head. He moves to stand in front of me as the car comes to a stop. I let out a breath when I see it’s just Billy.
“Pop?” Ryder says before walking down the front steps.
“Son,” he replies before they pull each other into an embrace. Ryder, Jack and their dad were always close back when their mom died. It wasn’t long after that that Jack started using and shit went down between me and Ryder. That’s when he took off. I blame myself for it every day. I know I messed up but it was too late to fix it.
“How is she?” Billy asks as they both walk back up the steps.
“She’s a mess,” Ryder tells him.
“Xena, damn it’s good to see you, honey,” Billy says pulling me into a hug.
“You too Billy. Sorry it had to be like this,” I say softly. He nods and pulls back before heading inside. Ryder eyes me a minute as if he wants to say something but he doesn’t. He follows his dad inside and I follow behind him. Billy has Jenny in a hug as Joey hangs off his leg. Jenny never kept the kids from Billy although she didn’t let him come around the house much. She always took them over to his house. I suppose she didn’t want him to see just how bad Jack had gotten.
The next rumble I hear, I already know who it is so when Ryder starts to move, I wave him off. It doesn’t take but a few minutes for Dawson to come strolling in, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me back into him. His lips caress my neck and the urge to throw up takes hold. He can’t be serious. Jack was just found dead a few days ago. How the hell can he act like everything is fine? I start to pull out of his hold but he tightens his grip.
“Who the hell is that?” he asks nodding toward Ryder as his eyes burn holes through the two of us.
“Jack’s brother.”
“Ryder? What the fuck is he doing here?” He asks not knowing our history together. I’m glad I’d never told him too. I don’t need the extra hassle right now.
“His brother died? Jesus Christ, Dawson,” I growl shoving my elbow into his stomach so he let’s go of me.
“You’re going to pay for that later,” he hisses. I flip him off and head toward the kitchen to make coffee when Ryder follows.
“Boyfriend seems great.” I don’t acknowledge him. I won’t give him whatever ammo he wants to use against me. Am I sorry for what I did in the past? Yes, I am but that won’t fix anything now.
“Beers in the fridge,” I tell him and set about making coffee for everyone.
33
Ryder
At first, I thought I didn’t want to see her but now, I feel like making her life a living hell like she did mine. Xena has changed over the last six years. She isn’t the skinny little blonde I used to know. She’s bigger, cockier.
“You’ve changed,” I say waiting to see if I can get a rise out of her.
“I know. I’m chubbier and I don’t give a shit.”
“You let yourself go. Why?” She spins around raising an eyebrow.
“Let myself go? Why is that? Because I’m not as skinny as I used to be?”
“Don’t give two shits about how much you weigh. You look worn out.”
“Thank you for that observation. Living in hell isn’t the ideal place to take naps or sleep through the night,” she snaps. Hell, huh? Wonder what she means by that.
“That what the gun was for?”
“What do you care, Ryder? Huh? This isn’t your concern. I’m not your concern.” Her eyes are on fire as I take step closer to her.
“That’s my family in the other room. That’s my concern. Your sister married my brother, that makes you family whether we like it or not,” I snap pointing toward the living room.
“Well, thank you for that ins
ight. I hadn’t been aware,” she says rolling her eyes and turning back to the coffee maker.
“When did you become such a bitch?” She laughs.
“When you left the first time. When did you say you were leaving again?” She asks looking over her shoulder at me with a half smirk on her face. Damn, she has turned into the devil over the last six years.
“When I find out what happened to my brother,” I inform her. She spins around, leaning against the counter, her arms crossed over her chest.
“You shouldn’t get involved in the mess he was in.”
“Why not?”
“They aren’t good people, Ryder. None of them are.”
“What are you talking about in here?” The idiot that had been kissing on her strolls in. He looks like a real piece of shit from my stand point.
“Nothing. Just told Ryder there are beers in the fridge in case he didn’t want coffee.” Her eyes are nearly begging me to agree and there’s a part of me that wants to test her, see why she’s lying to him right now but I don’t. Instead, I pull the fridge open and grab out a beer, passing one to that asshole. He nods his thanks and pops the top taking a long pull as I size him up.
“You a friend of Jack’s?” I ask wanting to know as much about this prick as I can. The more information I can arm myself with the better off I’ll be.
“Something like that. I live here.” That was unexpected. I nod my head trying not to let them see that it surprised me. The silence is awkward and I find myself pulling away from these two and heading back into the living room with my dad and Jenny. They talk quietly as tears still stream down her cheeks. She’s a mess and I can’t say that I blame her. She lost her husband, the man that she was raising a family with. I watch them for a while until she finally cries herself to sleep. Joey’s curled up on the couch next to her.
