by Erin Trejo
“I like the house, Josie. It’s my home.”
“I know you do but you’re not alone. You know that much.”
I nod my head because I truly do know that. As much as I’d love to rely on her again, I know I need to grow up and take care of myself. It isn’t just me anymore. I have a child growing inside of me that needs me as I much as I need it.
“I know and I love you so much for that. You and Stan have been amazing to me. I can’t thank you enough,” I tell her.
“What about me?” I turn on the stool and see Chip’s smug smile and laugh.
“Of course, you too. Where would I be without you?” I ask in a teasing tone.
“Driving around the country?”
I want to laugh; I really do but he’s right. I almost did it. I almost got in my car and drove around looking for him. Insane, I know but I just couldn’t accept the fact that he left the way he did. He was happy. Wasn’t he?
“He was happy, Harper. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know the right words to say but we all saw the way he looked at you,” Josie says when I realize I said that out loud.
“We were good, Josie. We were talking about the house and the baby. He looked so excited. I just don’t get it.” Shaking my head, I try to conjure up what happened that night. There has to be more but I can’t remember.
“Everything will fine. Maybe it was a job,” Stan adds when he walks into the room.
“He wouldn’t have just left like that.”
“Maybe it was an emergency.”
“Someone drugged me, Stan. Why would he do that? He wouldn’t do that to his baby. To me.” I whisper the last part. Arms slip around my shoulders, and before I realize it, I’m laying my head on Chip’s chest, tears falling down my face.
“I’ll find him. I’ll do whatever I can to bring him back to you, Harper.” Chip’s words burn straight through me.
I cry harder and hold on for dear life. If I didn’t have these three in my life, I would have crumbled a month ago. A month. He left me a month ago and I haven’t gotten a single word on where he is. I think that’s what hurts me the most. I thought we were moving on from the past, but it’s clear now that he didn’t want that.
“Is everything okay?” That voice. I haven’t heard it in months. I look over Chip’s shoulder to see Luke eyeing all of us.
“We’re fine,” Chip snaps. He slowly pulls away from me and turns to face Luke. “You need something?”
“You just going man to man? Is that it? I could have loved you the way you deserved, Harper.”
I inhale a deep breath about to lay into his ass when Chip moves. He slams a fist into his face, watching him fall to the floor.
“You apologize for talking to her like that,” Chip hisses. Luke holds his bloody nose as he climbs to his feet.
“Got you too, huh? She doesn’t love you either. She’s just using you until he shows back up,” Luke hollers like a bitch. I’m on my feet in seconds moving toward him when Stan grabs me.
“You’re pregnant,” he reminds me.
“You’re what? Is it mine?” Luke asks. I bark out a laugh and cover my mouth quickly.
“Hell no. I would rather cut my ear off than have a child with you.”
“So it’s the biker’s? You should be so proud of yourself, Harper. He left you, didn’t he?”
My eyes fill with tears as Chip grabs ahold of Luke. In seconds the fight is over and Chip and Stan are hauling him out of the bar.
“You okay?” Josie asks wrapping her arm around my shoulder.
“I’m confused. I’m pissed. I’m angry. I’m far from okay, but I have to be, don’t I?” I ask looking over at her. She has no answers. No one does.
“I don’t know what to say here but you have a baby growing inside you that needs you to be strong. It needs you to be there and take care of it so you can’t just check out on reality, Harper. You have to prepare yourself to be a single parent. If anyone can do it, it’s you.”
I huff out a laugh before I nod my head.
“You’re right. I have to harden up and handle this. I just never thought that I’d be raising a child on my own,” I admit.
“You’re not alone, Harper.” I look over my shoulder and smile at Chip. Him and Stan stroll back over and stop next to me.
“He’s right. We’re your family too,” Stan adds. I smile at the three of them knowing that I have them by my side.
99
Lynx
I’ve closed myself off from everyone. I’m too lost in my own mind to let them in. I can’t. If I do, I know I’ll lose control of the situation and kill them all. I never wanted this. Not in a million years would I have thought I’d be back here living this life once more. I left for a reason and now I’m sent video reminders of why it has to be this way. They are keeping surveillance on her. Every video I see is of her crying. It kills me. She didn’t deserve that. I didn’t deserve it. When I fall asleep at night, I find myself asking God - anyone really - why my life is the way it is. Why the universe hates me to the point it stole my girl once again. Nothing ever makes any sense. I lost her once and now she’s gone again. This time it wasn’t her running from me because she ran back to me. She came willingly and I let her back in. Now my fucking black heart is breaking all over again. It’s crumbling to ash inside of me and I can’t do anything to stop it. I’m pissed, I’m confused. I don’t even know what half the emotions are that I feel because I’ve never felt them before.
The thought of blowing my dad’s head off has crossed my mind many times since I’ve been back here and each time I get a friendly reminder of why I can’t. He will kill her. He will kill everyone she loves first and make her watch. I know that man. The only way to protect myself to play along, but I’ve pushed everyone away including Vic. No matter how many times he tries to talk to me, get me alone, I back away. I don’t trust him anymore. He played me, made me think he was still my friend when he truly wasn’t.
“We need to talk.”
Speak of the bastard and he appears. I bring my cigarette to my lips and inhale.
“No, we don’t.” Blowing the smoke through my nose, I look away. Vic sits in the seat across from me, glancing around the room before focusing on me.
“I think we do. You don’t understand everything, Lynx,” he starts saying much the same as he always does. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. He’s nothing. He isn’t my family, as much as that hurts to say.
“I understand plenty. I understand you fed that motherfucker every drop of intel you had on me and her. Why, Vic? You out of all the motherfuckers here?” Rage is my new best friend. It has been for months. The only thing saving my soul right now are the videos that my dad keeps having sent to my phone as a reminder to do as I’m told. Little does he realize those videos are what lets me know that she’s okay too.
“It’s not like that,” Vic hisses.
“You tellin’ me you didn’t tell that bastard where we were?”
“I did but not for the reason you think, brother,” Vic says harshly.
“Don’t you fuckin’ call me brother. We aren’t brothers. Not anymore!” I roar before moving out of my seat. Vic moves too, which was a wrong move on his part. When he comes toward me, I swing. My fist collides with his jaw, pain shooting up my arm. I’m about to move back in when one of the other guys grabs me.
“You are nothin’ to me, Vic.”
“Outside, Grind,” Vic says. The asshole Grind keeps a hold on me and walks me out the side door before slamming me against the side of the building.
“Make it look like you’re just havin’ a friendly chat with Vic. You don’t know what the fuck is goin’ down around here, brother,” Grind snaps before shoving me once more.
I’m sick of this shit. I don’t care what’s happening around here. It means nothing to me. Vic walks out with two beers in his hands, holding one out to me. Grind eyes me with the look of death flashing across his face. What the hell is this? Deciding to give him a chance,
I take the beer and bring it to my lips. Vic leans against the wall next to me looking as casual as we used to be with each other.
“He’s got eyes but not ears,” he says softly.
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“It means, there are cameras all over this motherfucker. No audio feed, which is strange,” Vic adds with a shrug.
“What the hell does that even mean? Why does he video?” I ask bringing the beer to my lips.
“Your dad has been off, man. Not his normal off, either. I’m talkin’ the kind of off that should scare you. He’s doin’ shit behind the club’s back. I’ve heard talk of a takeover. Patchin’ the guys over to the Rebels.”
“Fuck that! They aren’t ones to climb in bed with. Why the hell would he do that?”
Grind moves closer, his eyes landing on mine. “Calm the fuck down, kid,” he sneers.
“He’s right. He’s always watchin’, Lynx. We don’t look casual and he’ll fuckin’ call us on it. That’s where that finger sent to Harper came from. Belonged to one of ours who defected,” Vic adds.
I shake my head and run my hand through my hair as I look back at Vic. “What the hell is happenin’ to him?”
“I don’t know. I’ve been tryin’ to figure that out myself. I’ve been askin’ around to see what I can dig up. Most I got is Marco is patchin’ him in as VP once the takeover with the Rebels happens. He’s gonna be top dog on that shit and I’m not down for it. He’s unstable as it is,” Vic says, taking a long pull from his beer.
I scratch at my jaw and let it all sink in.
“Fuck,” I grumble.
“What?” Grind looks to me.
“He knew I wouldn’t go for it. He knew I’d fight it. Shit with the Rebels has been good and bad since I was a kid, long before you guys were around. I remember when I was young, the bad shit. Rebels didn’t care who they took down. Women, kids - it was all the same to them. He knew I’d fight that shit. That’s why he brought me back the way he did.” I can’t say that anger is a strong enough word for what I’m feeling right now. Trying to keep it all down is even harder. I want to go in there and ruin him. I want to take his life much the same as he’s done to so many others. This club doesn’t deserve the road he’s taking them down. They have families and people they care about.
“You get why I’m bein’ this way now?” Vic hisses.
I drag my gaze to his and I almost feel like a prick for the way I’ve been treating him. “To a point. You could have told me, Vic.”
“And what? Risked you runnin’? He won’t hesitate to kill her, Lynx!” he snaps, moving closer to me. When he’s nearly nose to nose with me, I exhale.
“She’s everything to me, brother. I mean it. Fuckin’ everything. I will kill him before he gets his hands on her.”
The look in Vic’s eyes changes. It softens but that hardness is still there. He nods his head slowly and steps back.
“I wouldn’t ask you to kill your own dad, Lynx. I’ll handle it. We aren’t the only ones against this takeover. Most of the club is against it.”
“Most of them meanin’ we need to handle those who aren’t before we go after Strike.” For the first time in my life, I call him by his club name, not Dad, because as of this moment, that motherfucker isn’t my dad anymore. He is nothing to me and I’ll make damn sure he knows it.
“Glad you’re on board. We can take out two birds with one stone in a few days.” I smirk at Vic’s choice in words.
“You all poetic and shit now?”
“When I need to be.” He smiles. “I never wanted to hurt you or your girl, Lynx. I was happy for you, brother. You deserved a life that you wanted, not one he threw at you. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”
I swallow hard, the knowledge that I’ve fucked up a lump in my throat. I should have known better than to think that it was on Vic. He’s been my best friend since he joined this club. “I didn’t think shit would ever come to this, brother. I never thought he’d play us all against each other. I feel like such a fuck up even thinkin’ you had shit to do with any of it,” I tell him as he shakes his head.
“Don’t do that, man. You’re smart, strong. Your dad made shit happen this way - not you, not me. I get it. I really do. Let’s just handle business and get you back to your girl.”
100
Harper
“This is a bad idea,” Chip says for the hundredth time. I roll my eyes and load another bag into the trunk.
“I didn’t ask you that, Chip.” Ignoring him, I move back around him and grab my other bag.
“I know you didn’t but this isn’t smart. I get why you’re going and all, but I wish to God I never told you where he was, Harper.”
I spin around and glare at him with hatred in my eyes. How dare he? Why wouldn’t he want me to know? “What the hell, Chip? I thought you were my friend?” God, I’m so hormonal.
“I am, Harper, which is why you shouldn’t be doing this! He’s back at the club. You can’t go there.”
“I need these papers signed, Chip. He can have his life back; I’m done. I just don’t want my baby to have anything to do with those people. This is my baby. All I’m doing is having him sign off on his rights and that’s it. I’m staying here, Chip. This is my home. I can’t take anymore from him,” I say softly, my heart breaking a little more inside of me.
After searching for a while, Chip found out where Lynx was. It broke my heart in two. He’s been there this whole time, never looking back. He hasn’t contacted me or come to see me, not even a text to see how I was doing. I took that as the obvious sign that he was done with me, with us. He doesn’t want this baby or me and I’ve come to terms with that over the last four months. As this baby grows inside of me, I’ve realized that I don’t need him in my life. I only need her. My baby girl. I’ll be her mother and father. I will be everything she needs, but this is the last piece of my puzzle. I don’t want Lynx to come back around and think he can play daddy later if that’s what he decides. I want him gone from our lives. For good.
“Harper, I get it. I do. But going there? That’s a bad idea after everything that’s happened don’t you think?”
I shake my head. “No. I think it’s the best idea. I want this over and done with. I want to move on. I’m due in less than a month, Chip. He wants that as his life, then he can have it, but I need to finish this. You have to be able to understand that.” Chip moves closer as tears fill my eyes. He pulls me into a hug and holds me close.
“I do get it, honey. I do. I just don’t want you out there alone. I don’t think any of us will be able to handle it if something happens to you. Let me come with you,” he whispers as he runs his hand up and down my back. I pull away and shake my head once more.
“No. I can’t rely on you guys for everything. You’re my best friends and you all mean the world to me, but I can’t. I need to do this myself. I need that closure not just for me but for her,” I say as I rub my hand over the bump. Chip smirks at me when Josie comes out with a cooler.
“I made you snacks. You have to eat. She needs to eat. You both need to eat,” she says in a rushed tone, putting the cooler in the front seat.
“I don’t think I’ll need that much food,” I say, placing my hands on my hips and giving her a look.
“That is a growing baby in there,” she snaps, pointing at my stomach. I laugh. She frets about us both so much.
“Yeah, and if I keep eating like this, she’s going to be a toddler before she comes out. I can’t push out a twenty-pound baby,” I remind her as we both laugh. She grabs me quickly pulling me into a hug and holding tight.
“I don’t want you to go.”
“It’s not forever, Josie. I’m coming back in a few days.”
“I know, but I still don’t want you to go. You’ve been my baby since you got here,” she teases with a giggle.
“I promise I’ll let you change my diapers as soon as I get back,” I tell her. Josie pulls back and slaps my arm playfully wh
ile she laughs.
“You sure you don’t want us to come with you? We can close the bar down for a few days. It won’t hurt,” she adds.
“Are you insane? You got that county star coming in two days! You can’t waste that publicity to be sitting in a car with me! Have you lost your mind? Besides, I want his autograph and you better get it!” I warn her with a grin.
Josie laughs and steps back when Stan moves closer. I feel like I’m saying goodbye forever when in fact it’s only a few days. This is just something I need to do on my own and get out of the way. I feel like it’s a huge step for me to be able to move on with my life once again. I’m reclaiming my independence.
“We’re only a phone call away. I want to know when you get there and when you leave, got it?” I smirk and nod.
“Yes, Dad. I got it. I’ll call as soon as I get there, I promise.”
“And don’t let him give you any shit. He starts to get on edge, you leave. Understand?”
How could I not love these people?
“I got it. I promise. If he doesn’t want to sign it, I’ll leave. I’ve already talked to the lawyer about all that. It’s just easier this way if he’ll sign it.”
“Fine. Get out of here before Josie jumps in the damn trunk to go with you.” Stan laughs. He’s joking, but not really.
“I’ll be fine,” I say, looking between the three of them. In my life, I’ve had love. I’ve had heartache and pain. But I’d never had a family. These three standing in front of me are my family. They are everything I could have asked for. I climb in the car and pull out as they wave and watch me.
Turning the radio on I hum to myself as I drive. This is the right choice. This is what I need to do no matter how many times I’ve told myself that this is wrong. It isn’t. He’s gone. He’s been gone for months now without a single word, yet because of him I feel stronger than I ever have. I feel like I can take on the world and conquer it. Lynx has made me weak but he’s also made me strong. Living my life without him was hard, but in the end I found out who I was and what I was made of. He may have been a bump in the road on my path in life but he made a huge impression. After I get him to sign off on his rights, I can move forward. I will be the mother that I never had. I’ll be the person that my daughter can always rely on. I’ll be there for her and comfort her, I will lay down my life and die for her if need be. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for this little girl growing inside of me.
