by Amanda Jason
“Hey, you like this group. Don’t be a grouch. You know I like listening to music when I drive.”
Sliding down into the plush leather seat, I pull my sunglasses out of my purse to shield my eyes from the unforgiving onslaught from the sun, and try to relax.
What feels like only seconds later, I hear Jeff’s joyful voice say, “We’re here,” and it pulls me out of my semi-sleep state.
“Just leave me in the car and—”
Before I can finish, he’s out of the car, pulling open my door, and I’m standing on my parents’ driveway. He tucks my hand in the crook of his arm, and I’m half walking, half being pulled to the front door.
Jeff opens the door and yells, “We’re here,” which shoots pain through my head like an electric shock. Seriously, no more wine for me, ever.
“Sweetie, you don’t look too well,” my mom says, always being the observant one. “You should have called and told us.”
Yeah, and if I had, she would have driven into the city. She’d probably run over several people doing so and get a ticket for some reason just to see what was plaguing her baby girl.
“I’m fine, Mom, really.” I wait for it, and yes, she puts her hand to my forehead and frowns.
“Not really warm, but maybe I should have your dad get the thermometer.”
“Really, Mom, I’m fine.”
“She’s hung over,” my awesome grandma says from behind her daughter.
“What? Are you?” My mom looks at me like I’m two and not twenty-two.
“Okay, so we went to Papa’s last night and I may have had a glass too much,” I admit, because I know I’m busted and it’s time to own up.
“See, I knew I was right,” Grandma says smugly, her arms crossed. I hate when she’s right.
“When was anybody going to let me know Dora and Jeff arrived?” The regal voice of Grandmother makes me want to crawl into my bed in my old room. I will get the regal glare when she finds out about my night of drunkenness, and receive the lecture that if I had attended finishing school, this wouldn’t have happened.
Yeah, right.
“Aha.”
They just arrived, Mother,” my dad speaks up, and I realize I didn’t even know he was here.
“I should have been informed. Hello, Dora and Jeffrey,” she says, reaching over and giving us air kisses on our cheeks.
“Time to eat.” My mom breaks up the awkward moment and we file like good little boys and girls into the dining room.
Minutes later, we’re joined by Taylor and Bridget, the latter looking disappointed by the absence of certain trio.
“Sorry, Bridg, the guys aren’t coming.”
“Oh nuts,” she quips as she plops down in her seat.
Thank goodness dinner is a quiet affair, as everyone seems preoccupied. I eat a little, but mainly just end up pushing my food around the plate since I still feel a little nauseous. Jeff’s thigh nudges mine every once in a while, and I completely ignore him. Yep, I’m still annoyed.
“We need a head count for Christmas Day,” Mom announces after she serves up a chocolate mousse pie for desert, which is my favorite, but not right now. No worries, though. I know I’ll be going home with a doggie bag.
“Can I be excused?” Bridget and Taylor chorus.
My mom nods her head, and they scramble to leave the room to escape the adults. Damn, I feel so old. I want to scramble off too.
“For Christmas it should be the eight of us, and Jeffrey, will you be joining us this year?” Grandmother asks in her proper tone.
“I would love to, if it’s okay. My dad and mom are off to visit my sister in New Zealand to see the new baby.” Jeffrey’s family is spread out all over the world, but he rarely travels. He is always welcome at our family functions.
“Well, that makes nine so far then.” My mom looks at me. “How about your roommates, Dora?”
“I don’t think they’ll be here for the holidays.”
“It would be nice if you would ask them,” my Grandmother states.
“Okay. Julie and Kevin will be here for most of the day, so I guess that makes eleven.”
“Good, then we’ll open gifts during the day.” My mom is the greatest gift giver. She always buys stuff no one would re-gift, hide in a closet, or re-sell online. Each gift is thoughtfully bought and something we need or want.
I so want to leave now. My head is pounding again, and I’ve lost track of the conversation. I wonder what Colin is doing? He’s probably spending the afternoon with some hot, long-legged beauty who completely complements him. I need to put him out of my mind.
“I don’t think that’s acceptable for a Christmas table.” My Grandmother’s stern voice penetrates my musings.
“There’s that stick again. You need to lighten up and enjoy life.”
Yep, that’s Grandma. I must be missing a fight.
“I’ve never heard of a ‘turducken,’ and I have no desire to see it on the table. It sounds hideous,” Grandmother fires back.
Turducken, what the heck is that?
Grandma shakes a finger at her adversary. “It’s delicious, and I say we put it to a vote. I’m tired of roast beef every year.”
I look around and notice that my mom, dad and granddad have fled the room. Only Jeff and I are left with the two warriors. This could get very bloody, and I don’t want to get in the middle. I grab Jeff’s hand and we slowly make our way out of the room and into the kitchen, where I know the rest are hiding. Neither woman notices us leaving as they do the famous Bannister-Phillips stare down.
The three previous escapees are standing in the kitchen. My mom is drinking something amber in a glass. My dad is patting my granddad on the back, probably because he knows if Grandma loses, it won’t be a happy place when they get home.
“I say we’re going to have a turducken, and if you don’t like it, well, then just stay home and eat your roast beef.”
“Next you’ll want us to eat alligator or something equally bizarre.” Grandmother’s voice is now an octave higher.
“I’ve heard it tastes just like chicken!”
I watch Granddad grab Mom’s glass and take a big gulp. It causes him to cough violently while my dad thumps his back. Oh, lord … just what my headache needs.
“I’m going in,” my mom pipes up. She stands, taking another long drink from the glass.
Dad shakes his head. “Honey, do you think that’s wise?”
“Wise or not, I’m so tired of this bullshit. Yes, I said it. Bullshit. We deal with this almost every Sunday and somebody has to take the bull by the balls and stop them.”
Holy fried fish with bones removed, my mom is serious. She pulls her head up and her shoulders back before slowly leaving the room. We cowards follow her. Did she just say take the bull by the balls?
“I love your family. We really should videotape this. Just think of all the millions of hits we would get online.” Jeff’s voice is full of laughter. I elbow him in the stomach and go through the doorway that my mom went through.
“You two. Cease and desist.” Her voice is loud, louder than I’ve heard in a long time. In fact, the last time it was this loud was when—oh, look … they’re listening to her.
“I’m tired of you two always at odds with each other. It happens every Sunday. We’re going to solve this. We’ll have turducken and roast beef and that’s that. Not another word.”
Mom marches out of the room and up the stairs, with everyone—even Taylor and Bridget from over the balcony—watching her.
“See what you did?” Grandma whispers across the table.
“It wasn’t my fault. You’re the one who started this whole mess.”
“I can hear you both from up here. Not another word,” Mom shouts from the top of the stairs and then she disappears as we hear a door slam shut.
“Hope you’re both proud of yourselves,” Granddad says. “I’m sick of this little feud you two have too, and I think if you can’t play nice, both of you should stay
home. Dora, make sure your grandma gets home safely. I’m leaving.” He kisses my cheek and then grabs his coat from the hallway closet before exiting the house.
Wow. Both grandmothers are speechless, as are all of us. Granddad has never spoken like that—ever. Good for you, Granddad.
After going upstairs and giving Mom a kiss goodbye and assuring her that everything was fine downstairs and nobody hated her, Jeff and I say bye to my dad and the speechless grand matriarchs before heading out ourselves.
No, we didn’t forget Grandma. Shockingly, Grandmother said she would take her home. Things in this house never fail to surprise me.
“It’s freezing. I can’t feel my feet,” I moan as we enter the warm, cozy lobby of my building.
“They’re still there. I can see them.”
“Well, I can’t feel them. I wonder where Brad is. I haven’t seen him since last week.”
The lobby is dimly lit and quiet.
“Want me to knock on his door and see if he’s okay?” Jeff nudges me with his elbow as he presses the elevator button.
“No, I don’t want to be one of those nosey people. I just wonder, is all.” The doors open, and Jeff gives me a gentle push inside the elevator.
The hallway upstairs is quiet too. I bypass the main door and put my key into my private entrance. I’m really not up to seeing the gorgeous trio when I know I look like hell frozen over. How do I know this? The bathroom mirror in my parents’ house showed me. I feel as bad as I look and start stripping off my clothes as I make my way to the bathroom, desperately needing a hot bath.
“Hey, are you going to pick up your mess?” Jeff asks as he locks the door behind him.
“No, I thought you could do it for me,” I say before I shut the door behind me, missing what I know would be a withering look. I shiver while standing in my underwear waiting for the massive tub to fill. A delicious smell fills the air as I pour in my favorite lavender-scented bubble bath. I pull my hair up into a half ponytail and toss my underwear across the room. I slide down into the soothing warmth. My bones seem to melt as the water swirls around me. It’s a whirlpool bath, with the jets sending pulsating water all over my achy parts.
The bathroom door opens, as do my eyes in surprise. I’m temporarily shocked at the sight of Colin standing in the doorframe, dressed only in his boxers. He’s as perfect as his images on the billboards and magazines—definitely no airbrushing there. His eyes are focused on mine, and I feel my body reacting from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes. I have never felt this aroused.
His eyes move downward and I notice my hardened nipples are peeking through the bubbles. In fact, my whole body is pretty much exposed as my bubble coverage has dissipated. I pull my eyes up and watch as he licks his lips and runs his right hand through his silky hair. The water has cooled, but my body temp has risen by a hundred degrees. He moves closer, and I see he his boxers are becoming tighter by the second as his arousal pushes to escape. He slowly puts his hands to his waist and in one move, his penis is free, and lord, it’s just like I remembered it when I saw it in art class.
Wait.
I look up again to his face, and it’s not Colin. It’s Drew standing there with his penis pointing at me. How the fuc…
“Have you drowned in there?”
Jeff’s voice shocks me to my senses. I realize I fell asleep and it was all a dream. More like a nightmare, with Colin turning into Drew.
I really need to get a life, I think as I look down and see my nipples still standing at attention. I pull the plug and watch the water swirl out of the tub. Shivering, I grab an oversized towel and wrap my totally aroused body, replaying my dream.
Drew? Who in their right mind would dream about Mr. Playboy? Okay, so maybe the majority of women in the world.
When I leave the bathroom, I see Jeff spread out on the recliner adjacent to my bed. “Still feeling like shit?” he inquires.
“No more wine for me. If you see me going for a glass, remind me of this horrible day.”
“Okay, but last time you drank wine you said the same thing. I don’t think it’ll work. Now, to change the subject, are you up for some studying?” He pulls out our math book and raises an eyebrow at me.
“Like I have a choice. I need to nail this exam. Otherwise, I’ll be a senior forever.”
“Sounds like your roomies are home.” Jeff stretches and rubs his eyes.
We hear laughing from the next room, male and female voices. Of course women would be included. Two of them are hot-blooded males, and the other one pretends to be. I really need to talk to Liam alone. My mom pulled me aside earlier this afternoon to reiterate Henry’s requests to help Liam and Drew. I really don’t know what I need to help Drew with. Yeah, he has a screwed up family, mom ran off, dad’s been married several times, but who doesn’t have family issues? He has all the attention anyone could want or need. Why would he need my help?
“Dora, I just turned straight, and I want to have kinky hot sex with you,” Jeff’s blurts out in an attempt to make me focus.
It’s laughable, but I play along. “Okay, well then take off all your clothes so I can jump your bones.”
Did I really just yell that? Yep, the voices have ceased. Good lord, Dora. Now they all probably think I’m about to hook up with someone in here. Well, that could work. If they think I’m involved with someone, maybe they’ll leave me alone and let me return to my normal—okay, so semi-normal—life.
“What the…?”
I quickly place my hand over Jeff’s mouth. “Play along,” I whisper. Then, in a louder voice, I say, “Ted, what is that in your pants? I think it wants to come out and say hello. Oh, sweet caramel apple on a stick, your stick is more like a log. It needs to be freed. See, it’s taunting me.” I put my finger to my lips and nod my head at the door. Jeff looks at me, confused, then it’s like a light bulb comes on and he gives me a shit-eating grin.
“Yeah, babe, it’s all for you.” I almost giggle at his fake deep voice.
“Wow, it’s really hard. Oh, you want to put it where?”
I motion for Jeff to move with me to the door. We hear nothing—nada—coming from beyond the door. I mouth on the count of three and motion to the door. One, two, three, and we both grab the handle and pull the door open. Just as I figure, three heads attached to three bodies fall flat on the carpet. They look up at our grinning faces, and at least Colin has the grace to look embarrassed. Liam and Drew pick themselves up and try to act cool.
“Like what you heard?” I ask, watching Colin avert his eyes while the other two smirk and start to laugh.
“We were looking out for you,” Drew responds, shrugging his shoulders.
“Yeah, you’re like a little sis to us,” Liam chuckles.
“So, you weren’t being nosey, huh, Colin?” Colin looks uncomfortable. It’s time to let him off the hook. “It’s nice to know you guys have my back, but I do like my privacy. And if I was actually hooking up with someone in here, this little spy session you all had going on wouldn’t have been cool.”
“Hey, it was at least better than what we had to look forward to this evening.” Liam has stopped chuckling and is back to his frowny self.
I gently push them aside and look into the living room to find it’s empty. “Where are the ladies we heard earlier?” I ask, turning back to look at them. Jeff is grinning with his arms crossed, leaning against the open door.
Liam looks lazily at me. “Oh, they just came up for a drink, nothing else. At least, nothing on our part. I’m sure they would’ve loved to spend the night, but we just weren’t feeling it.”
“How about cards?” Drew blurts out.
“Yeah, sounds great.” Liam glances at Jeff and me. “How about you two? Want to play a friendly game of poker?”
“Poker? I don’t know how to play,” I reply innocently, and they all fall for it.
Ten minutes later, we’re sitting at the round kitchen table and cards are being dealt. In front of me are orange-co
lored chips. I wanted red, but Jeff grabbed them first.
Liam has blue, Colin purple, and Drew yellow, and each of us has the same amount … for now.
“So Dora, do you understand what I’ve just told you?” Drew asks like he’s talking to a child.
“I think so. If I mess up, don’t hate me.” There I go with my Miss Innocent act again.
Half an hour later, I’m winning big. In fact, they each have a small hill of chips compared to my mountain.
Drew rolls his eyes as I win another hand. “Gentlemen, we’ve been had.”
Yes. I have a great actual poker face, and one that my dad is so proud of since he taught it to me.
“What? Are you talking about my beginner’s luck?” I’m trying so hard not to smile.
“Beginner my ass,” Liam quips while leaning back in his chair and sending me a playful glare.
“And I must say, it’s a nice ass too,” I reply, keeping my face stoic.
“Very funny, little girl. You shouldn’t try to pull one over on us big boys,” he replies, liking my comeback.
Jeff, Drew, and Colin sit back and watch Liam and me sparring. It’s fun.
“Are you guys conceding? Are we finished with the game?” All four walking testosterone machines shake their heads, and I start dealing the next hand.
“Dora, have you asked them yet?” Jeff asks, hiding his face behind his cards.
“Asked us what?” Drew looks at me with one sexy eyebrow raised.
“My mom asked me to invite you over for Christmas, but I told her you were all going home. Right?”
“I’m going home next week,” Colin says. “My mum would never forgive me if I miss this Christmas. Our whole family will be together, which due to the size, is quite incredible.” His dreamy accent makes me want to drool.
“I’m off to my homeland too.” Liam interrupts my musings of the mind-blowing kiss Colin and I shared at Halloween. I’ve wondered why he hasn’t tried again, not that I would allow it. Okay, I’m lying. I’d be all over him like a fat kid on cake.
