Even when she had a boyfriend, or I was seeing some girl, she would still stay the night. I know no one in high school believed we weren’t sleeping together. Our friendship caused a lot of problems in her dating life. It was never an issue for me, I didn’t have girlfriends. There were plenty of girls I fucked but never on the bed I shared with Lily and never anyone that could compare to her.
She crawled into the bed and pulled the comforter up to her face, cuddling into it. Chills ran over my body as I watched her. I was transported back to another time and place. One of innocence and naïveté. Her being in my bed represented all that I had wanted and all that I had given up. Years. I’d spent years imagining her in my bed again. Only this time I wouldn’t’ve been noble. I would’ve been the one to take her virginity, not hear about some fumbling idiot who barely knew what he was doing. I would’ve taken my time with her and showed her what it meant to make love.
I would’ve told her how I felt, how much I loved her. How much I hated to hear about her dates because it should’ve been me. I would’ve grown a pair of balls and claimed what was mine.
But I was a pussy and too afraid I would turn into my parents and hurt her. I knew she deserved better than me.
The sound of her crying pulled me from my reverie. I went to the bed and got in beside her, pulling her onto my chest.
I wished she would scream at me again. I could take her anger, but her tears were cutting me to the quick. I was powerless to stop her sadness. I did the only thing I could do and held her tight, stroking her back trying to soothe some of the hurt.
“Lily, I don’t know what to do to help you,” I admitted.
She held on to me, and slowly her sobs turned into soft hiccups. Her hand that was on my chest started to move. Slowly at first, tentative light touches. She maneuvered her hand under my shirt and sparks shot through my body.
I could feel.
Her small hand glided over the ridges and valleys of my abs and up to my pecs. She stopped to run her fingers over the charm that once belonged to her then back down to the waistband of my jeans.
“Make it go away,” she whispered.
“How Lily?”
Her soft fingertips continued to brush my bare skin. My body was on fire with a lust that solely belonged to her.
“I don’t want to feel or think. I need you to take it all away.”
She sat up and pulled her shirt over her head and tossed it away. The pink lacy bra was next, exposing her tits. The next few moments were a frenzy of motion as we both divested ourselves of our clothes.
I didn’t need her to ask me again as I rolled her under me. My hand went to her pussy, feeling the wetness that awaited me. I pushed two fingers inside of her and her back arched. Stunning. I worked her up with my fingers until I felt her inner muscles start to tighten. I didn’t want her to come on my fingers, I needed her to wait until I was buried inside of her and we both let go together.
She started to protest when she lost my fingers, but the words quickly died on her lips when in one steady thrust I was balls deep inside of her.
“Shane,” she groaned.
That single word was almost my undoing. My name spilling from her lips while I was inside of her did crazy things to my heart. I took her mouth in a soul-scorching kiss. This kiss was going to make me or break me. Either I would take the memory of this kiss with me and it would sustain me over the years, or I would crumble under the weight of it.
I set a bruising pace as I drove into her with all the built-up need and love I had for her.
“I need you to feel, Lily.” I kissed down her face to the crook of her neck. “I need you to feel every inch of me inside of you. My body covering yours. How much I love you.”
“I love you, Shane,” she moaned.
“Only you, Lily, it’s always been you,” I admitted.
“I never want to forget this moment,” she whispered.
“You won’t. I’ll make sure of it.”
I slowed my pace, giving her long lazy strokes drawing out our pleasure. Each time I felt her pussy start to spasm, I stopped and languidly kissed her until the feeling subsided. Then working us both back into a fever, only to stop again.
With her body trembling under mine, I finally let go, pushing us both over the edge. Both of us cried out in pleasure as I released into her. Long after we both orgasmed, I stayed inside of her kissing her throat, face, and lips. Anywhere I could reach without pulling out. I didn’t want this feeling to end.
Soon the glazed look of passion faded from her eyes, and she breathed out a content sleepy sigh.
I rolled off of Lily and situated her back to my front, hugging her to me.
We laid in bed for hours drifting in and out of sleep, making love again and again. A smile tugged at my lips when I pushed out of bed remembering how Lily looked when I took her from behind, her tits swaying from my hard thrusts. She would definitely be sore tomorrow. I took her hard and rough and in as many positions as I could. I needed to get my fill; I didn’t know when she’d be taken from me again.
There was a constant nagging feeling in my gut. I knew this was a mistake, I knew that we’d both be devastated when she had to leave. But I couldn’t help myself. She was my obsession.
I tagged my clothes off the floor and quickly dressed, with one last long look I left a naked sleeping Lily in my bed. What I wouldn’t give to have that for a lifetime.
When I got downstairs, the guys were sitting on the back deck playing cards, all with beers in their hands. I had to chuckle to myself when I saw the unopened bottle of whiskey on the table. None of them would take a sip of liquor while they were on watch. Beer was okay, but the hard stuff was off-limits. As safe as we were here, they’d never take the chance of being drunk if someone were to find us.
“About fucking time, lover boy,” Levi commented when I opened the back door.
The cool, crisp air hit me, and I inhaled the fresh pine scent of the mountains. I loved the way it smelled up here - clean, untouched by smog and pollution.
“Fuck off. Did you save me any?” I nodded toward the empty plates on the table.
“Yeah, we saved your sorry ass some. You’re lucky too ‘cause Levi grills up a mean fuckin’ T-bone,” Jasper laughed.
I was lucky, the bunch of them were fucking animals, they could eat a whole damn cow. I found two steaks covered with foil in the kitchen. Baked potatoes and green beans next to that. Damn these assholes went all out, no doubt it was to impress Lily. If it had just been us up here, they would’ve brought back a pizza.
After I fixed a plate, I went back out on the deck to relax with the guys. The moment I sat down everyone’s demeanor changed.
“You had your fill?” Clark asked taking a long pull from his beer.
“Come again,” I growled. I prayed to God he wasn’t implying what I thought he was.
“Lily. You had your fill of her yet? You were up there drilling her ass the last four hours,” Clark continued.
I had to take a deep breath to calm myself down. I normally wasn’t a hothead. In fact, I was known for being the cold, methodical one. But right now, my friend was pushing me to a point I was afraid we’d never come back from.
“Man, I love you like a brother. But if you ever refer to Lily as a piece of ass again, I will gut you. And I hope to say this only once, because if I have to say it again, it will be the end of our friendship. Lily is not some skanky barfly we pick up and bang for the night and compare stories about the next day. That woman upstairs is my world, and you will treat her with the respect she deserves.”
I leaned over my steak and cut into it, not sparing a look at my team. I was so fucking angry I couldn’t even taste the first bite as I chewed.
“Good to know, brother. I wanted to make sure she was who I thought she was,” Clark replied.
“And who did you think she was?” I asked abandoning my food.
“The game changer.” Clark eyed me as I took in his words.
&nb
sp; “What the fuck are you talking about?”
The man had finally lost his ever-loving mind. What the fuck, did he think this was some hearts and flowers fairy tale? Just because I spent hours making love to the woman didn’t mean a damn thing had changed.
“I mean the one thing that can take you out of the game. Change your life and put everything into perspective.”
Oh yeah, he definitely thought this was a Hollywood drama come to life.
“I’m squared away, man. I have my eye on the prize.”
I didn’t, I was lying through my teeth, but they didn’t need to know that.
“Really? So no regrets? You wouldn’t give this all up for the love of that woman upstairs?” Clark asked.
“Nope. Regrets are for the Air Force, I’m a Ranger,” I replied.
“You’re a fucking liar is what you are. And I wouldn’t be a friend if I didn’t warn you against making a mistake you’ll beat yourself up about for the rest of your life.”
I know there was a woman in Clark’s past. That was obviously clouding his better judgment at the moment.
“Noted.” I picked up the bottle of whiskey, cracked the seal, and unscrewed the lid. All the while thinking about my many regrets. When I put the bottle to my lips and took the first pull, I started to formulate a plan. As the whiskey burned down my throat, I hated myself for what I was about to do.
Chapter 15
It had been a glorious week. Dare I say it, the best week of my entire life. I called Rebecca and asked her if she would watch over the centers for me, that I was going to finally take that vacation she had been nagging me about. She was thrilled for me and told me to take as much time as I needed, she’d handle everything. There was a slight twinge of guilt as the lie slipped past my lips. But Shane quickly reminded me that the lie was necessary to protect her and my centers.
We spent our days hiking on the alpine trails, Shane taught me how to shoot, and we all hung out together playing cards and drinking whiskey. Shane was a good sport when the guys busted his chops about me being a card shark. Secretly, I think he loved I could beat them all at poker. Shane had taught me how to play when we were younger.
He did mumble under his breath about shooting Levi if he ever suggested strip poker again. The guys all treated me like I was their long-lost sister. Once Clark warmed up to me and started acting like himself, I figured him for the leader of the group. Levi was very thoughtful, a deep thinker, and seemed very reserved. Jasper was a riot, always cracking jokes and being the funny one, but you could tell he was deeply wounded. As much as he fooled around, you could tell he was overcompensating for something. I didn’t know what, and he’d never tell me, but it was there in his soulful eyes.
There had been no more talk of the past or the future or what was going to happen. It was like there was an unspoken moratorium. We were going to enjoy whatever time we had together. I knew I was being a fool, but I couldn’t help falling more in love with Shane. Losing the innocent teenage love I had for him was the hardest thing I ever had to go through. Losing him now would kill me. I was taking a huge risk, one I couldn’t begin to control or stop. I had no defenses against him. There was zero way to stop my heart as it fused with his. He owned me, and as scared as I was, it was exciting and exhilarating. I didn’t want this feeling to ever end. More than ever I was willing to fight for him.
It was the afternoon of the eighth day at the cabin when Clark’s cell phone rang as we walked into the house.
“I’m gonna go shower.” I kissed Shane’s cheek and headed for the stairs.
I made my way to Shane’s room and rushed through my shower. I wanted to hurry and start dinner. We had stopped on our way home from the lake and picked up fresh vegetables to grill with the trout we caught today.
I was wrapping myself up in a towel when Shane stepped into the bedroom.
“Hey, did Levi start the grill?” I asked. “I’ll be down in a jiff.” I finished drying off and dropped the towel, pulling on a pair of fresh panties. Shane watched silently from the doorway. “Everything alright?”
I stopped fidgeting with my bra and gave him my full attention. The look on his face told me everything I needed to know. Intuitively my eyes drifted close and fury hit my belly.
“It’s time?” I asked.
“Yes,” he replied. His voice was completely devoid of any emotion.
I don’t know what panicked me more, the uncertainty of what was about to happen or the cold hard expression Shane wore.
This man standing in front of me was not my Shane, he had Lenox firmly in place.
“We’ve already called in the standby team. Pete and James will be here in thirty minutes,” Shane informed me.
“Thirty minutes?” I screeched, and the tears that were threatening, started to spill down my cheeks. “When will you be back?”
“I won’t.”
“You won’t? What does that mean? When will I see you?” I asked.
My mind was racing, and I tried to fight off the feeling of déjà vu but I couldn’t. In my mind, I was transported back to the hotel room when Shane told me he was leaving on deployment. The words and circumstances were different, but the feeling was the same.
“You won’t. In a few days, you’ll go back to your life, and I will be gone again.”
“No,” I cried.
My heart was shattering into a million pieces and he was so nonchalant he might as well have been talking about the weather. I tried to find some sort of emotion in his eyes, anything that would tell me he was hurting as badly as me. But there was nothing there. Absolutely nothing.
“Lily.” His tone was abrupt and harsh.
“You are not doing this again Shane. I won’t let you leave me.” I tried my hardest to sound brave and confident. I needed to fight for us, fight for him. I had to stay strong.
“You don’t have a choice. Nothing has changed, Lillian.”
Lillian? The use of my full name set me off. He sounded like he was scolding an unruly child who wouldn’t fall in line.
“Don’t Lillian me. Everything has changed. You admitted you loved me. We just spent seven days together, making love. Are you telling me that meant nothing?”
“It meant nothing to me. I thought that I could find a piece of the old me in you. Remember how my life was before I joined the 707. I thought there was a possibility that I may’ve wanted that life again. I was wrong. The only thing the last seven days taught me is you can’t go back in time. The feelings that I had for you aren’t real. They’re gone. I am not that starry-eyed little boy anymore. I’m sorry, but I don’t love you like that.”
His words were like a torpedo to my soul. Each and every one of them tore me to shreds. When I gained the courage to look him in the eye, I was shocked to find hurt.
“You’re a fucking liar. You think I don’t know you. You think I don’t know everything you just said was complete bullshit? You’re a coward, Shane Owings. You were twelve years ago, and you still are. You’re too afraid to reach out and grab what’s right in front of you. You look me in the eye and tell me the last week has meant nothing, that us making love was meaningless to you.”
I held his eyes and locked my legs to stop them from shaking. My emotions were so frazzled I couldn’t even find the strength to put on the Lillian Nelson Ice Queen façade.
“Do you know how many women I have fucked over the last decade? Hundreds, maybe even thousands. I have had a new woman in every country after every mission, sometimes more than one if the first didn’t burn through the frustration.”
That was a direct shot to my heart, and that information ripped through me, as well.
“Tell me you don’t love me,” I demanded.
“Just a few weeks ago this cute little thing Stephanie or Sarah or something had the pleasure of gracing my bed,” he continued.
“I don’t give a rat’s rear end who you’ve slept with or when. You’re deflecting, Shane. Tell me you don’t love me,” I screamed.
> “I don’t love you,” he spat out.
“You’re a fucking coward and a liar.” He was lying. He had to be. There was no way this was one-sided. “You wanna know how I know you’re full of shit? Because when your hands are touching me, your eyes catch fire. When you pull away after kissing me, you have a smile on your face. When your eyes meet mine after we make love, you are at peace. I can see it, I can feel it, and most of all you feel it, too. We are one, Shane. We always have been.”
“What do you want from me? I told you what you wanted to hear, I don’t love you. This meant nothing. It was a way to finally get you out of my system. Now that it’s done, it’s time to move on. I have another mission to get ready for, and you have a life to live.”
“That’s it. You leave, I never see you again?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“Please don’t do this, Shane. I love you. I can’t lose you again,” I begged.
“This is the right thing to do. You don’t know me, not anymore. I’m not the man you think I am. I will only hurt and disappoint you. You’re better off without me in your life. Don’t visit that grave anymore. As much as that man is dead and gone, he doesn’t deserve your pain or loyalty. Move on with your life and be happy.” Shane stopped at the bedroom door. “You deserve to be happy, Lily. Forget you ever knew me. Goodbye.”
With those words, he left me standing in his bedroom broken.
I crawled into the bed that still smelled like him and sobbed. I didn’t go after him like I had promised myself I would. Hearing him say goodbye was too much for me to take. I knew he was lying to himself and to me when he said the last week meant nothing to him. But I wasn’t strong enough to fight Lenox.
I cried myself to sleep and had no idea when the guys left, or when the new guys got to the house to babysit me. The moment my eyes opened I regretted not going downstairs to say goodbye to Levi, Jasper, and Clark. After the rocky start I had with Clark, he proved to be a good man and friend. I would miss the three of them.
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