The Lost Daughters: A moving saga of womanhood

by Whitmee, Jeanne

  ‘Oh, Cathy, I want you so much,’ he whispered against her hair. ‘Will you marry me?’

  She drew back her head to look at him, her eyes wide with wonder. ‘Marry you?’

  ‘Of course. What else?’

  ‘Yes. Oh, yes.’

  ‘And we’ll come and set up home at Cuckoo Lodge as soon as it’s ready — run the music school together?’

  ‘I can’t think of anything more perfect.’

  For a while they sat in silence under the trees, her head on his shoulder. ‘I promised myself I’d wait,’ he confided. ‘Until your course ended; until the house was finished — until you were twenty-one. Then, at the beginning of October when it looked as though a nuclear war might erupt I got to thinking. There’s never enough time for the important things — the things we promise ourselves. So often we leave it till it’s too late. If there’s happiness to be had we should grasp it with both hands while there’s still time.’

  ‘I was frightened over the Cuba thing too,’ she told him. ‘But I had to pretend I wasn’t because poor Johnny was so terrified. I don’t think she ate or slept until it was over.’

  ‘Understandable. She lost her husband in the war, didn’t she? And she has a son of fighting age.’ He drew her closer. ‘Thank God for the courage of John Kennedy. I daresay the crisis made a lot of people stop and take stock of their lives.’ He kissed her forehead and tipped up her chin to look into her eyes. ‘Cathy, I think it might be wise to keep this to ourselves just for a while,’ he said. ‘Mrs Johnson may not approve.’

  ‘Why shouldn’t she approve?’ Cathy said defensively.

  He smiled gently. ‘I think you know why. The age gap between us is bound to raise a few eyebrows.’

  ‘What if it does?’ she said defiantly. ‘It’s not important. If we don’t mind, why should anyone else?’

  ‘Nevertheless, I think it’s something we’ll have to be prepared for. Let’s keep it to ourselves just for now. Say until Christmas — till your birthday.’

  She looked up at him. ‘We’ll get engaged on my birthday?’

  He kissed her. ‘We’re engaged now. We’ll announce it on your birthday. I’ll buy you a ring then and we’ll do it properly.’

  ‘Can I have the ring now?’ she asked, her eyes shining eagerly. ‘I could wear it on a chain round my neck till Christmas.’

  He drew her into his arms and held her close. ‘Oh God, Cathy. Sometimes you make me feel so damned old.’

  *

  Cathy slept hardly at all that night. Somehow the idea of keeping her engagement to Gerald secret made it all the more exciting. She decided to work extra hard at her Saturday job at the Queen’s Head, saving all the money she earned for Christmas presents. This year she wanted to buy Johnny something extra special to show her appreciation for all she had done.

  The following day Cathy came home from college to find Johnny alone. Matthew was still at work and Mrs Bains was at her Women’s Institute meeting. Johnny was in the kitchen ironing and called out to Cathy as she was making her way upstairs.

  ‘I’ve got the kettle on for a cup of tea. Do you fancy one, Cathy?’

  She leaned over the banisters. ‘I’ve got some homework I’d like to get out of the way first.’

  Johnny appeared at the foot of the stairs. ‘I’d like to talk to you before the others get home, Cathy,’ she said. ‘So could you come down now, please?’

  With a feeling of foreboding Cathy took off her coat and came back downstairs. In the kitchen two cups and saucers were laid out on the table and the big brown teapot was wearing the blue and white striped cosy Mrs Bains had knitted. Johnny pushed aside the abandoned ironing board, one of Matthew’s shirts still spread on it, half-ironed, and drew out a chair.

  ‘Sit down, love.’

  It wasn’t like Johnny to stop the ironing halfway through. It must be something serious. Cathy looked at her warily. ‘Have I done anything wrong?’

  ‘Of course not. I just wanted to have a quiet word while we have the house to ourselves.’ Johnny poured the tea, while Cathy looked on, her stomach muscles tightening with apprehension. Deep inside she had an uncomfortable feeling that she knew what Johnny was about to say. She hoped she was wrong.

  ‘I don’t want you to think I’m interfering, Cathy,’ Johnny began awkwardly. ‘But I feel responsible for you and I’d hate to see you get hurt. I know that you and Mr Cavelle are good friends. He’s taken his duties as guardian very seriously and that’s to his credit.’

  She paused and Cathy saw her swallow nervously. ‘But I feel I owe it to your dear father to look after your best interests.’ She looked up into Cathy’s eyes. ‘I somehow have the feeling that you’re getting a little too fond of him, dear.’ Seeing Cathy’s jaw drop she hurried on: ‘Oh, I know he’s a very attractive man with a lot of talent and personality. He’s a very romantic sort of person. But he’s a great deal older than you, dear. If he knew how you felt he’d probably feel dreadfully embarrassed. So perhaps it would be wiser if you saw a little less of him until you have your feelings under control. I’m sure you know plenty of nice boys of your own age at college who’d love to take you out. And there’s Matthew of course. He thinks a lot of you, I know.’

  Cathy had an almost irresistible urge to blurt out the truth; that boys of her own age seemed dull and stupid after Gerald — yes, even Matthew; that she and Gerald were already engaged and planning to marry. But, remembering her promise to him, she took a deep breath and said, ‘Well, if you think so …

  ‘I do.’ Johnny drew a deep, relieved breath. Thank goodness the girl had taken it so well. ‘I daresay he’s going to be very busy with his new house in Suffolk anyway. Perhaps you could say that you’re tied up with your end of term exams, or Christmas shopping — something like that. You needn’t tell fibs. I’m sure he’ll understand.’

  ‘Yes, Johnny.’

  ‘You didn’t mind me saying this to you, did you, dear?’

  Cathy got up from the table and replaced her chair carefully under it. ‘Of course not.’

  Upstairs in her room she wondered how she was going to see Gerald now that she had made this promise to Johnny. And how she would tell him about Johnny’s misgivings. Odd that he had already foreseen her disapproval. The following day, during her lunch hour, she telephoned him at the flat.

  ‘Gerald, I need to talk to you,’ she said. ‘Something has come up that might make it difficult to see you for a while.’

  ‘Does it have anything to do with Mrs Johnson?’ he asked perceptively.

  ‘Well — yes.’

  ‘I thought so. Look can you get away this afternoon?’

  She felt excitement stir in the pit of her stomach. ‘There isn’t much on here. I suppose I could say I had a headache and duck out.’

  ‘Right. Go to Edgware underground station. I’ll pick you up there at one.’

  She arrived with ten minutes to spare and was waiting by the kerb as the car drew up. He smiled reassuringly at her as he pulled out into the traffic. ‘Don’t look so worried, darling. We’ll sort something out.’

  She hadn’t been to the flat for a long time. Not since the Christmas when she had cooked dinner for them both. It looked the same. And she was happy to see her father’s piano still in its place. Seeing her looking wistfully at it, he said, ‘We’ll take it with us to Melfordleigh when we move. Then you can play it every day if you want to.’ Seeing her worried expression, he crossed the room and took her hands. ‘What is it, darling? Come and sit down. Tell me about it.’

  ‘Johnny had a talk to me yesterday. She thinks I’m getting too fond of you.’

  He smiled. ‘Very perceptive of her.’

  ‘She wasn’t cross or nasty about it.’ Cathy looked up at him. ‘She said that if you knew how I felt, you’d probably be embarrassed. She suggested I stop seeing you and go out with Matthew or someone else of … ’

  ‘Of your own age?’ He completed the sentence for her. ‘Well, maybe she’s right. What do yo
u think? Maybe now that you’ve had time to think it over you agree with her?’

  ‘Oh, Gerald!’ She wound her arms around his neck and kissed him. ‘I’ll tell you what I think. I think anyone who expects me to stop loving you must be mad,’ she said vehemently.

  After a moment he put her from him with a sigh. ‘Oh, Cathy — Cathy. Do you have any idea how much I want you?’

  She pressed her head against his chest. ‘What are we going to do, Gerald? It’s six whole weeks till my birthday. I can’t stop seeing you for all that time. I’ll die!’

  He drew her down on to the settee beside him and cradled her head against his shoulder. ‘Perhaps we should go along with what Johnny wants.’

  She twisted her head to look up at him in horror. ‘You don’t mean that? You can’t.'

  He laughed. ‘No, I have to agree, it would be totally unbearable, though I will have to go away again soon, just for a week or so.’ For a moment he was silent, then he said, ‘How do you feel about a tiny deception — just to keep things on an even keel?’

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘This Saturday job of yours. If you were to stop working at the hotel we could spend Saturday afternoons and evenings together.’

  ‘Oh!’ Her eyes lit up and then clouded. ‘But someone might see us.’

  ‘Not if you came straight here.’

  The corners of her mouth began to lift. ‘Oh, Gerald, that would be lovely.’ She stopped as she remembered something. ‘But I was going to save the money I earned to buy presents.’

  He hugged her close. ‘That’s not a problem. I’ll give you what you would have earned.’ He looked at her. ‘I know you hate being deceitful, darling, and if you don’t think it’s a good idea … ’

  ‘If it’s the only way we can be together, I don’t care.’

  ‘We’ll tell everyone at Christmas. Then we won’t have to pretend any longer.’ He felt in his pocket. ‘I almost forgot. I’ve got something for you.’ Taking out a small box he opened it to reveal a ring set with diamonds surrounding a glittering square-cut emerald. ‘I chose it because it’s the colour of your eyes.’ Taking her left hand he slipped the ring on to her finger. She stared at it, then at him, her eyes brimming with tears.

  ‘Oh, Gerald. It’s beautiful and it fits perfectly. Is it really my engagement ring?’

  ‘It is. It means that you and I have made our commitment. We are pledged to each other. We’ll be married as soon as you’ve finished your course next summer.’

  She threw her arms around his neck and hugged him close. ‘Oh, I wish I could wear it now. I wish I could show it to everyone. Oh, Gerald, I love you so much. I wish I could stay here with you for ever.’

  He reached up and took her arms from around his neck, kissing first one hand, then the other. ‘But unfortunately you can’t, my love. You have to go home now. Look at the time. You’ll be missed.’

  She sighed. ‘I suppose so.’

  ‘I’ll come down with you and put you into a taxi. But remember, on Saturday we’ll have all afternoon and evening together. That’s something to look forward to, isn’t it?’

  Before she went home she took off her ring and slipped it on to a length of string Gerald found for her, hanging it round her neck under her sweater. It was so exciting to feel it there against her skin all the way home in the cab. She stopped the driver at the corner of the next street to Chestnut Grove and walked the rest of the way. Of course it would be nice to be able to tell people, she mused. But it was almost better keeping it secret.

  She went along to the Queen’s Head the following day on her way home from college and told them she wouldn’t be working there any more. She hated letting them down just when their busy season was getting under way, and felt guilty about deceiving Johnny too. But it was for Gerald, and for him she would have done anything. Every time she thought of spending all afternoon and evening with him at the flat her heart raced with excitement. Everything else was forgotten. Saturday seemed an eternity away.

  *

  As soon as she arrived at the flat Cathy put her engagement ring on her finger. She did it in the lift and stood gazing down at its sparkle as she rose to the fourth floor. In the afternoon they listened to music and talked about Cuckoo Lodge, making plans. Later Cathy cooked a meal for which she had shopped carefully on the way there. She made a mixed grill and chips, followed by apple pie and cream, which Gerald proclaimed the best he had ever eaten. Later, as they were washing up together, she said, ‘This is what it will be like when we’re married. Just the two of us. It’s going to be wonderful.’

  Gerald put down the plate he was drying. ‘I wonder if you know what it means to me to hear you say that, Cathy.’ He picked up a towel and carefully dried her hands. ‘Leave the rest,’ he said, drawing her towards him and placing her arms around his waist. Taking her face between his hands, he kissed her. He felt her trembling beneath his touch and drew her into his arms. 'My lovely Cathy,’ he whispered, pulling her hard against him. 'I still can’t quite believe you really want to marry me. I keep thinking I’ll wake up to find I’ve dreamed it all.’

  She looked up at him. ‘How can I prove to you how much I love you?’

  ‘You don’t need to feel you have to prove anything.’

  ‘But I want to.’ She stood on tiptoe to kiss him. ‘I want you to believe without any possible doubt, Gerald,’ she whispered. ‘We are engaged. If you … ’ She bit her lip, astonished at her own daring. ‘If you want to make love … ’

  ‘Shhh.’ He stopped her mouth with a kiss and held her so tightly she could scarcely breathe. ‘I don’t think you know what you’re saying; what you’re offering.’

  ‘But I do. You said yourself — I’m not a child. And I love you, Gerald.’

  For a long moment he looked into her eyes. ‘You’re really sure?’

  ‘Of course.’

  After a moment’s hesitation he scooped her up in his arms and carried her to the bedroom. She stood impassive and motionless, shivering with a mixture of excitement and apprehension as he undressed her. Her eyes, huge and luminous, never left his, and as he joined her under the smooth sheets and felt her uncomfortable trembling, he said, ‘You’re shivering. Are you cold?’

  She wrapped her arms around him and pressed close. ‘No -just excited — and — nervous, I suppose.’

  ‘Don’t be.’ He kissed her forehead. ‘Cathy, don’t feel you have to go through with this. It’s not too late to stop if you have doubts.’

  She buried her face against his shoulder. ‘No — please. I haven’t … ’

  ‘I’ll try not to hurt you, darling.’

  ‘I know. I know.’

  She closed her eyes and tried to relax as he caressed her quivering body. She told herself over and over that it was going to be all right and that as long as she loved him everything would be fine. All the same when it happened she felt every muscle tensing as she bit hard on her lip to keep from crying out.

  When it was over tears of disappointment trickled down her cheeks. She had fantasised about this moment — the first time Gerald would make love to her. It was going to be so special — so wonderful — but the painful and hurried coupling that had just taken place between them was so different from her dream. So devastatingly different. She could not believe that this was all there was to it.

  Gerald turned to look at her. ‘The first time is always difficult, darling,’ he said gently touching her cheek. ‘Next time it will be so much better you’ll hardly believe it.’ He stroked her hair and leaned across to kiss her. ‘Don’t cry, sweetheart.’

  ‘But — but I must have done something wrong. It must have been my fault,’ she choked. ‘And you must be so disappointed with me.’

  ‘Nonsense.’ He laughed softly and drew the covers up over her. ‘You’ll never know how happy you’ve made me. And you have no idea of the wonderful life we’re going to have together.’

  She must have fallen asleep. When she woke she had no idea how long she’d
slept or what time it was. Disorientated and drowsy she stared up at the man who stood by the bed looking down at her. ‘Gerald … ?’

  He wore his dressing gown and held a steaming cup. ‘I’ve made you some coffee. It’s almost time I took you home or I wouldn’t have wakened you,’ he said, sitting on the edge of the bed. ‘You looked so peaceful lying there.’

  She sat up. Then, suddenly aware of her nakedness, pulled the sheet up and tucked it around herself as she took the cup from him. ‘Thanks.’ As she sipped the coffee the memory of what had taken place between them slowly returned. ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered, colouring unhappily. ‘About what — about — you know … ’

  He took the cup from her. ‘That’s enough of that.’ Very gently he pulled the sheet away from her. ‘And please don’t hide yourself from me. You’re so beautiful.’ He bent to kiss her breasts, then, slipping out of his robe, he slid into bed beside her once again and drew her close. At his touch and the feel of his skin against hers she felt excitement stir somewhere in the pit of her stomach, spreading its heat to every fibre of her body; shortening her breath and quickening her heartbeat — turning her blood to molten fire. Some primitive, long dormant instinct seemed suddenly to blossom, taking possession of her as she sank back against the pillows, her arms drawing him down on to her. When his mouth closed on hers the spark deep within her leapt into a white-hot, searing flame. Kisses and caresses were not enough. Her mouth opened hungrily to kiss him as she had never kissed anyone before. She arched her body towards him imploringly.

  This time the pain was replaced by a breathtaking delight that was almost as unbearable in its intensity. The sheer surprise of it shocked her and she heard herself cry out, this time with sheer exultation. Together they scaled the heights of sensuous pleasure, relishing every movement, each sensation, until at last together they reached the summit. Tensing beneath him she gave one last convulsive movement, gasping out his name, then lay still, her eyes staring up at him in wonder.

  Side by side, their limbs still entwined, they lay staring speechlessly into each other’s eyes.