Beside a Dreamswept Sea

by Hinze, Vicki

  Then quit fritzing around and do it.

  I hate bossy women about as much as I hate blueberries.

  Help Cally, Tony. And consider the costs of what you’re doing with Suzie. I know your heart’s in the right place, but it’s going to land you in big trouble. And it’s going to break Hattie’s heart. Haven’t you hurt her enough?

  I never wanted to hurt her at all. Never. But I can’t turn my back on Suzie. What kind of man could do that?

  But you’re no longer a man. That’s my point. You’re a ghost.

  I still feel like a man, damn it. I still love and hate and—

  Hurt. Yes, dear, I know you do. I know . . .

  Sunshine left. For where, Tony had no idea. Nor did he care. And he’d croak again before admitting it, but he was letting this issue with Hattie sidetrack him from his duties here. But how could he help it?

  He looked back at Cally. Slumping on the window seat, her arms folded, her chin resting on her forearms, her eyes unfocused, she looked so . . . sad. A flicker of resolve inside him blazed to a flame. “Cally?”

  “Hmm?” She stared out the window.

  “I know you’ve made up your mind that staying away from Bryce and the kids is the right thing to do.”

  “What choice do I have? They’re going home, Tony. They’ll have each other. But I’ll be here. Left behind with the sand pails and other memories.”

  “Know what I think?”

  No answer.

  “I think you’re running scared. You’re letting the fear of getting hurt keep you from reaching out.”

  “I’ve reached out before. I got knocked down.”

  “I know. But there’s something else you’re forgetting.”

  “I remember it all, Tony. Every cutting word, every slur, every pain, and every tear.” She smoothed a shaky hand over the soft folds of her skirt.

  “I can see that you do.” He looked her straight in the eye. “But are you remembering that Gregory isn’t Bryce? That this man isn’t that man?”

  “I’m not confusing them. They’re nothing alike, and I know it.” She stood up, then pointed at the cheval mirror. “But the point isn’t them, it’s me. I still can’t look in that glass and like what I see. Until I do, I can’t risk anything else. I don’t have anything left to lose.”

  “You’re hurting, I know that. But you’re also hurting them. All of them.”

  “I know.” She squeezed her eyes shut, her hands into fists at her sides. “But this pain is nothing compared to what it would be if I really let myself love them.”

  “The heart—”

  “Knows the truth,” she interrupted. “I know that, too. Don’t you think I know that, too? But they can’t love me.”

  “Cally, they do love you. You are lovab—”

  “No, don’t even say it. It’s not true and it won’t change,” she firmly insisted, lifting her chin. “I know they hurt right now. But they’ll get over it soon enough. By Christmas I’ll be a fleeting memory and no more.”

  Those words hurt her throat. She swallowed hard, curled her hands into fists, and lowered her voice. “I understand what you’re saying, and I appreciate what you’re trying to do. But things are different from your perspective, and in your situation. Hattie loves you every bit as much as you love her, Tony. Bryce doesn’t love me. He loves Meriam.”

  “Does he?” Tony wanted to scream. The woman had seen Bryce’s desire for her, seen it with her own eyes, and yet she still didn’t trust it. She still felt unlovable. Why wouldn’t she see the truth? Why—

  The truth hit him with the force of a hundred-pound sledge. That’s it. She needs more than to be shown. Because of Gregory, even showing her wouldn’t be enough for her to recognize and to trust the truth as the truth. There had to be a way to get them together long enough for them to see what they could have with each other.

  She guffawed. “How could you doubt he loves Meriam?”

  “Call it intuition.” Had she forgotten he was privy to the man’s thoughts? What would be enough to prove to her—to them both? Tony went quiet. Rubbed at his neck, then at his jaw. The germ of an idea took seed and then rooted. It was a far stretch, unorthodox to be sure, but just far enough out of sync with the norm to maybe keep both of them off balance long enough to stare the naked truth in the face and be forced to accept it.

  “Cally, I’ve been thinking.” Tony walked over to the desk, hitched a hip up onto its corner. “Maybe what you and Bryce need isn’t love.”

  “Ah.” She slapped at her thigh. “Finally, he sees the light.”

  Tony slid her a solid frown. She loved Bryce, she loved the kids, and yet she’d stayed away from them for three days, knowing it was tearing them all up inside. “Maybe both of you have been hurt too much by love for it to ever work for you.”

  “Exactly.”

  Tony’s thoughts reeled. Bryce. Aw hell, of course. Bryce. “Yet I can’t see you giving up your dream. Can you?”

  The animation left her face and her eyes clouded. “I might not have any choice. Being the sunshine of my home isn’t apt to happen without love, is it?”

  “It would be challenging,” Tony agreed. “But if there were a way, I’m sure you’d consider it.”

  “Of course I would.”

  Perfect. The plan blossomed. Now, Tony only had to convince Bryce to bring it to fruition. But from the way things had been going around here lately, that wouldn’t be a picnic of a task.

  Bryce missed her.

  Why she’d suddenly backed off from him and the kids remained a mystery. Maybe she liked kids in small doses. Maybe she liked playing at Mom, but his reaction to Suzie’s asking Cally for permission had scared the socks off Cally. Maybe she just wasn’t interested in a man with a built-in family.

  Or in any man.

  With Gregory, Bryce knew that held truth and yet, until three days ago, she’d seemed to love being with him and the kids. And she’d certainly responded to Bryce physically. They’d talked about everything and nothing. Laughed and whispered serious secrets and frivolous ones. They’d just enjoyed each other. So what the hell had happened?

  What had he done wrong?

  He lay in bed in the Cove Room, his hands tucked behind his head, and stared at the shadows the oak limb outside his window cast on the cathedral ceiling. Rain pattered softly against the window, splotching it and the ceiling with shadows of droplets.

  She liked him; he’d have to be dead not to know it. She liked the kids. Actually, she loved the kids, and it showed. Being asked for, and granting, permission with Suzie had come natural. Patching up Jeremy’s misadventures and keeping him out of hot water with Mrs. Wiggins had, too. And Cally was always softly nuzzling Lyssie. Criminal how jealous he was of those nuzzles, but he’d be lying to himself if he denied he had been. And knowing how much the kids needed those tender affections made his jealousy even more criminal. But he needed them, too.

  And Cally had given them to him. In icing his jaw, in sitting with him during the nights in the hallway outside Suzie’s room, she’d nurtured him, too.

  Until she’d come along, he hadn’t realized that he’d lacked nurturing all of his adult life. Meriam didn’t nurture. He’d understood why from the start, and she’d been up front about it. But she hadn’t shared. Even in their marriage, with the kids, she just hadn’t shared.

  And until Cally, he hadn’t realized it.

  But he recognized the difference now, and he liked feeling special and important to a woman. He liked knowing he mattered. And he was going to do some serious looking back at his relationship with Meriam. Serious and objective looking back. He had to resolve his feelings before moving on, and it was time. Maybe then he could look Suzie straight in the eye and say he hadn’t made Cally angry with them.

  Boy, she’d been tough on him. The kid hadn’t thrown a temper tantrum in her entire life, until then. If he lived forever, he’d never forget her tears, her pain-twisted expression, the anguish in her screaming, “What did y
ou do to her, Daddy? She was going to be our new mom, maybe. Why are you making her stay away? Are you believing, Daddy? It won’t work if you’re not believing with your whole heart.”

  If only you believe, miracles can happen beside a dreamswept sea.

  Was he believing?

  Hell of it was, he couldn’t deny he hadn’t been, or that he might have done something to hurt Cally. But if he had hurt her, he had no idea exactly how, or what he’d done.

  He scrunched up his pillow, then rolled onto his side, facing the window. Wait. Wait, maybe he had every idea of what he’d done. Maybe—a bubble of anticipation burst in his stomach—it was time to move on and both he and Cally realized it and were scared stiff of it.

  It was time to move on. And he wanted to move on. He wanted to give himself permission to love a woman again. Not just any woman. Cally. He wanted to love Cally. Without guilt. Without reservation. But that wasn’t possible.

  But she couldn’t love him back, anyway. Not after Gregory. She’d never let herself love another man.

  I happen to agree.

  Bryce nearly jumped out of his skin. “Damn it, Tony. Give a man a little warning, okay?”

  Sorry.

  “Are you here to ream me out? Because if you are, let me tell you that Suzie already beat you to it. And, for the record, I honestly tried showing Cally she was lovable and all it got me was exiled. She’s staying away from me and the kids. I’m not even sure exactly what happened. One minute she’s fine, the next—wham! She’s busy. She’s got things to do. She needs some time alone to think.”

  Maybe she’s scared.

  “I’d be worried about her if she wasn’t. What’s happening between us is damn scary. It’s happening too fast.”

  I don’t think your heart cares about clocks or calendars, Counselor.

  “Yeah, well. Whatever her reason it doesn’t much matter anymore, does it? It’s over. She wants no part of me or the kids.”

  You don’t have a clue, do you?

  Bryce sat up. The bedspread under him crinkled. “What do you mean?”

  Think about it, Counselor. You came here looking for a mother, not a wife. Cally came here not to be a wife, but a mother. You two falling in love is just mucking up the works here, don’t you think?

  “Love? Who said anything about love?” He couldn’t love her. And she surely couldn’t love him. They cared. That’s all. Just cared.

  Exactly.

  Bryce stared at the little antique washstand. The cream bowl and pitcher. “Ah, I get it. We can’t love.”

  I knew logic would work its way through the maze in your head at some point in time. Now, I trust you’ll make the moves to get this settled so everyone can be a little less miserable around here.

  He needed a mother for the kids. She needed kids to mother. It was a match made in heaven, literally—so long as love stayed out of it.

  “Yeah. Yeah, I’ll see what I can do.” He really would. Just as soon as he figured out what the hell it could be.

  Sunset had been spectacular. Bryce and the kids had watched it from the deck off Suzie’s Shell Room. He glanced over at his oldest daughter. Her eyes were still puffy red and swollen from crying about Cally. As if he hadn’t felt like a jerk already, before leaving for home, Frankie had laid a glare on him that nearly knocked him to his knees. Cally had been right about her; she was a good friend to Suzie.

  Cally had been right about a lot of things.

  To the chirping of birds, he looked out into the darkening sky. The house was settling down for the night. Mrs. Wiggins had rented a car and driven over to Boothbay Harbor. What she’d do there, Bryce hadn’t a clue, but the house seemed more peaceful somehow without her in it. He should fire her, and he knew it. But he couldn’t. She’d been good to Meriam, and he owed the woman for that.

  “Okay, guys.” Bryce clapped his hands. “Bedtime.”

  When he had the kids tucked in, he sorely missed Cally standing at his side. It just didn’t feel the same without her there, giving their blankets a final tuck, giving them a final peck on the forehead good night. Strange how quickly he’d become used to her being a part of their lives. And how acutely they all felt her absence.

  “Daddy.” Suzie looked up at him from her pillows. “You don’t have to sleep on the hallway floor tonight.”

  How did she know that he ever had?

  “Tony told me,” she said, solving the mystery. “I know I’m going to dream, but it’s okay. Tony will be there. I’m not scared when Tony’s there.”

  Bryce swallowed a lump from his throat. One with pity for his daughter, of gratitude to Tony, and one of regret that it couldn’t be him there, protecting his daughter. “I’m glad you’re not scared.”

  Bryce gave her a hug, then left her room and walked to the Cove Room. Before he’d closed the door, he’d stripped off his tie, leaned Collin’s cane against the desk, and wondered what Cally was doing.

  Probably sound asleep. Or else sitting in the turret room, staring out on the ocean. She liked to do that. A lot. What would she do if he knocked on her door? If he just knocked on her door, and did his damnedest to kiss the fear right out of them both?

  She wouldn’t like it. And no kiss held that kind of power. Besides, if the way he’d been feeling for the last three days was any gauge, this caring was dangerous stuff. As dangerous as loving. He flung his shirt over the arm of the desk’s chair. It was a stupid idea.

  He crawled into bed alone, and resented it. Imagined Cally there with him, and resented that even more. Tony was right. Love was mucking up the works. He didn’t need a wife, he needed a mother for the kids.

  Hell, he needed both. But the woman he wanted didn’t want a husband.

  A tingling started along his spine, worked its way up to his neck, down to his heels. The truth Tony had obscurely passed along traveled with it. Cally didn’t want a husband, but she did want kids. She did want to be the sunshine of her own home. And God knew their home could use a little sunshine.

  It seemed perfect. Except for him maybe stretching beyond caring and falling in love with her. But if he nixed that, then the situation would be perfect for both of them.

  He tossed back the quilts then crawled out of bed, determined to give the idea a fair hearing with her. It might not be an ideal situation, but it held too much merit for them not to seriously consider it.

  Grabbing a fresh shirt from the closet, he then reached for a tie. No. Cally hated ties. He tossed down the shirt, then snatched up a green pullover and a casual pair of slacks, certain she’d like them better. He tugged them on, and bumped his sore knee on the corner of the bed. Wincing, muttering, he snagged Collin’s cane and headed for the door. It wasn’t until he had a foot in the hallway that he realized he’d been in such a hurry to talk with her that he’d forgotten his damn shoes.

  He turned to go back for them, and came to a dead stop. Cally sat there on the hallway floor outside Suzie’s room. Alone.

  She’d been afraid Suzie would dream.

  His heart turned over in his chest. He walked down the dimly lit hallway. A night-light burned in the bath and spilled a soft circle of yellow over the floor. “Cally?”

  She looked up at him, and her expression closed. “I thought you were sleeping.”

  He dropped to sit down beside her. “Couldn’t.”

  “Is your knee hurting?”

  “Yes, but that’s not why I couldn’t sleep.”

  “Oh?” She pulled the pillow out from behind her back and pressed it over her stomach, as if needing a barrier between them.

  Seeing that gave Bryce the confidence he needed. “I was missing you.”

  Surprise flittered over her face. She masked it. “I’m only doing what I think is best for all of us, Bryce.” She looked up at him, let him see the pain in her eyes. “I know it seems cruel, but I don’t know what else to do. You and the kids are a family.”

  “And we’ll leave, and you’ll miss us?” He didn’t dare to hope it. Didn’
t dare. Not without having confirmation, regardless of what Tony had said.

  She stared at him for a long moment, clearly debating lying to him.

  “Please.” He touched a hand to her bent knee. “Tell me the truth. I need the truth.”

  “Yes,” she whispered on a strained sigh. “I’ll miss you.”

  Relief scudded through him, kicked against his ribs, exploded in his lungs. “What if I made a suggestion that would mean you wouldn’t have to miss us, and we wouldn’t have to miss you? Would you be willing to at least hear me out?”

  “I guess so.”

  Not enthusiastic, but not without curiosity. Knowing the woman loved mysteries was coming in handy. And he’d settle for curiosity. “I have three kids who need a mother desperately.”

  Leave out the love stuff, Bryce. Don’t mention it or she’ll run so far and so fast you’ll choke to death on her dust.

  I know, Tony. I know. Now, beat it. This is private.

  All right. But don’t muck it up.

  I’ll do my best.

  Pacing a short path up and down the hall, Bryce went on. “You’ve got no kids and, unless I’ve misread you, you want them.”

  She pressed her lips together tightly, and a furrow formed between her eyebrows. “You know I want to be the sunshine of my own home, Bryce. We’ve talked about that many times, sitting right here.”

  “I know.” He stopped beside her, then waited for her to look up at him. “It seems to me I have something you want, and you have something I want. Kids.”

  “What exactly are you suggesting?”

  He swallowed hard. “I’m asking you to marry me, Cally.”

  “What?” Her mouth rounded then dropped open.

  “Shh, you’ll wake Suzie.” Good grief, she couldn’t be that stunned. He studied her wide eyes, her lax jaw. Well, evidently she could. Gregory. How could Bryce have forgotten the effects the man had had on her?

  “Well, excuse me, Counselor. I just didn’t expect a proposal from a man in love with another woman. This has to be the most asinine thing I’ve ever heard of in my entire life.”