Truly Sweet

by Candis Terry

  “Jake Wilder. From Texas.”

  He waited for the door to slam.

  It didn’t.

  “Lieutenant Wilder?”

  “Former lieutenant, ma’am.”

  “I’m so sorry, Mr. Wilder. Rebecca’s not here right now.”

  “Do you know when she’ll be back?”

  “I’m afraid not for some time. She’s staying at a hotel near Yuma Regional.”

  The woman immediately understood that he didn’t know why Rebecca would be at the hospital. From what he remembered, her baby wasn’t due for another month or so.

  “I’m her mother.” She extended her hand and they shook. “The baby was born premature. He’s in NICU. Our family got her a room so she could at least get a shower and a few hours of sleep between sitting and worrying. In fact, I’m headed that way soon to temporarily relieve her of worry duty.”

  Eli’s son had been born premature.

  He was fighting for his life.

  Jake’s heart cramped, stole his breath, and draped him with guilt.

  Everyone knew high levels of stress could cause a premature birth. Having your husband shot and killed, leaving you alone to plan a funeral, and figure out how to wake up every day without feeling like your world has ended was the ultimate trauma.

  “Do you think she’d mind if I stopped by to see her?”

  For a moment, the woman’s green eyes searched his face. During this tedious process, she kept tight-lipped. Jake envisioned a forthcoming rejection.

  Then she surprised him.

  “Actually, I think that might be a good idea. You were close to Eli.”

  “Yes ma’am. Outside of my brothers, he was my best friend.”

  “Then I think she might like to talk to you. This has all been very difficult for her.”

  “She isn’t alone in that, ma’am. Which is why I’d like to talk with her.” At last.

  In his heart, Jake knew the conversation with Rebecca could go two ways. She could rip him for letting her husband get killed, or she could forgive him for letting her husband get killed.

  Though Annie believed he needed it, he could never ask for her forgiveness. Still, he needed Rebecca and her family to understand how much Eli meant to him. How sorry he was. And that from now on, Jake would be there if they needed anything.

  Eli had tried to save another soldier’s life. He had died a hero. His family needed to know that. It wouldn’t change the outcome, but Eli hadn’t even thought twice that day about trying to save someone else’s life. He’d just done the right thing. Because that’s who he was. He was a damned good man.

  “Thank you, ma’am.” He waited while she scribbled down the address of the hospital, then accepted the piece of paper. “Just so you know, Eli was not only one of the best soldiers I ever served with, he was one of the best men I ever knew.”

  “I’m sure he’d be pleased to hear you say that.”

  “I doubt it.” A smile trembled on his lips. “I told him that plenty of times. Next thing I knew, he’d have me in a headlock.”

  “Well, Eli was quite a spirited young man.”

  Was.

  “Yes, ma’am.” He held up the piece of paper. “Thank you.” He turned to go.

  “Lieutenant?”

  He stopped. “It’s just Jake now, ma’am.”

  “If I remember correctly, you also lost your brother in the war.”

  “Yes, ma’am. My big brother. He was the best of us.”

  “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

  “Thank you. And you also.”

  On the way back to his truck, Jake heard nothing but the pounding of his heart and the rhythm of his boots on the concrete path. When he got inside, he started the engine, kicked the air conditioner on to full blast, and leaned his head back.

  “Fuuuuuuuck.”

  Hank whined and belly-crawled over onto his lap. Stroking the dog’s smooth head lowered Jake’s blood pressure but did nothing to absolve his guilt. If anything, he felt more now than before he’d knocked on that door.

  Eli’s son was fighting for his life.

  Jesus H. Christ.

  With the exceptions of the sounds of beeps and low murmurs, hospitals were notoriously quiet. The halls he walked through now were no different. The pungent scent of cleaners, medicines, and illness clung to the air as he punched the floor number inside the elevator.

  An elderly woman next to him with a bouquet of homegrown roses smiled. “Maternity floor. You a new daddy?”

  “No ma’am. Just visiting . . . a friend’s wife.” He eyed the vivid orange and yellow buds wrapped in a holder made from aluminum foil. “Pretty flowers.”

  “Thank you. I’m on my way to see my husband, George. These are his favorites from the few bushes I’ve been able to keep alive. We’ve been married for fifty-eight years. He’s leaving me now though. Guess that time comes for all of us.”

  “I’m sorry, ma’am.”

  “Me too. I’m gonna miss the old coot.” Her expression wavered. “Even gonna miss the way he snores at night and grunts while he’s reading the paper. Wouldn’t change a minute though. It’s been a good fifty-eight years. Even if right now all I feel like is crying.”

  Jake completely understood.

  “What’s your friend’s name?” the woman asked.

  “Rebecca Harris. I served with her husband in the Marines.”

  “Well, I thank you both for your service.”

  “I’ll pass that along.”

  Thin gray brows pulled together. “Your friend didn’t make it back?”

  “No, ma’am.”

  “Makes your heart hurt real bad. I can tell.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “Can you take a bit of advice from a strange old lady?”

  He chuckled. Hell, he’d been taking advice from his mother for years. And sometimes it didn’t get much stranger than her. “Yes, ma’am.”

  “Some days you got to dig down deep to push past the trouble life hands us. But if you keep digging long enough, you’ll get there. And so will your friend’s wife. All you need is a good shovel and some strong determination.”

  The elevator doors whooshed open, and the woman stepped out. She put her hand on the door so it didn’t close too quickly. “Only thing that really keeps us going, young man, is holding on to those memories. The good ones. Keeps them alive.” She pulled her hand back and gave him a nod before the doors closed.

  Jake leaned back in the empty elevator and sucked in a breath.

  The memories of Jared and Eli—of his dad—had been too painful, so he’d pushed them away. It had been the only way he could get up every day and face the world without them.

  And then along came Annie.

  He didn’t know at what moment he’d started to see her in a different light. When she’d stopped being such a pain in the ass and had become the one person he wanted—needed—to see every day. There were moments when he was wrapped in her arms, buried deep in her body, that he’d forget the ugliness life doled out. She’d had her own share of heartbreak when Doug had left her high and dry and pregnant. And yet she still faced the world head-on. With a smile. And, as the old woman just now had said, with strong determination.

  Damned if Annie wasn’t a better soldier than he.

  He didn’t know what would happen if Doug ever changed his mind about wanting Annie and his little boy and decided to show up at her door. Jake didn’t know how Annie would react. He also didn’t know if he’d punch Doug in the face and let the idiot explain later, or if he’d step back and take a chance that Annie might throw him aside for the father of her baby.

  All he knew was, Annie meant everything to him. Without her he’d be lost. Nothing.

  Less than nothing.

  He loved her, he realized. He loved Max
too. And when he got home, he planned to do whatever it took to keep both of them in his life forever.

  The elevator opened again on the next floor. He stepped out and headed to the nurses’ station. There he found a young woman in a bright pink pair of scrubs with hearts and ribbons on the top. He gave her Rebecca’s name and waited while she made a call. Several minutes later, Eli’s wife came around the corner. Her red hair was pulled up in a bun, and dark circles dimmed the light in her green eyes.

  “Jake?” As she looked up at him, she rubbed her forehead as if she’d forgotten something. And then she hugged him. The gesture was completely unexpected, and it took him back a notch.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “I needed to talk to you,” he said. “I know this is probably a bad time but—”

  “No. It’s okay.”

  He scanned the hallway. “Is there somewhere private?”

  “Probably. But I’d rather you come meet Elijah.”

  “Oh. No.” He took a physical step back. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “Why not?” Rebecca folded her arms, and he saw that same spark of stubbornness that Annie possessed.

  “I know this must be a really hard time for you, and, honestly, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

  “So you don’t want to meet Eli’s son?”

  He knew the darkness that lived in his heart. And so he just spoke the truth. “I don’t deserve to meet him.”

  “God.” Rebecca shook her head. “You are so much like Eli. No wonder you were best friends.”

  Before he could protest, she reached down and took his hand. “What was it the two of you used to say? No pussies allowed?” She gave his hand a tug. “Come on, scaredy cat. Elijah’s too little to bite.”

  Jake let her tug him down the hallway until they came to a big glass window. Inside, there were a row of little beds and incubators, rocking chairs, and two nurses in yellow masks and scrubs busily taking care of the three tiny patients in their care. Jake had been in combat—in the direct line of fire—but his heart had never pumped blood through his veins quite this hard before.

  “He’s too little to hold,” Rebecca said, “but I can stroke his arms and back with my finger. It seems to comfort him.”

  “Which . . .” Jake swallowed, unsure he could do this. “Which one is he?”

  “The one in the middle. Do you want to go in? See him up close?”

  “No.” Hell no. He could barely stand seeing the tiny life from this side of the window.

  “You do?” Rebecca grabbed his arm and tugged him toward a room past the window. “Wonderful. I know that would make Eli happy.”

  He really wished people would stop saying that. Eli would not be happy with him.

  Ever.

  He’d gotten the man killed with his badly-thought-out orders.

  “Rebecca. I don’t think—”

  She opened the door and pushed him inside. “Of course they’ll have a size to fit you. Don’t be silly.”

  “I don’t think you’re hearing what I’m trying to say.”

  “That’s because I’m not going to let you say it.” She opened a cupboard and pulled out the same kind of paper-thin scrubs and booties she wore, then shoved them in his arms. “Put these on and come meet Eli’s son.”

  “Rebecca?” Unable to meet the seriousness in her eyes, Jake looked down at the bundle of protective clothing. “I came here to say I’m sorry. Although now that I say it, it sounds . . . inadequate.”

  “Sorry?” Her head tilted slightly.

  “It’s my fault you’re here alone, facing all of this by yourself. I gave the order to move. The move that cost Eli his life. The order that made you a widow and probably sent you into labor early because of the stress. And now you’re facing the possibility of losing your son. I know sorry doesn’t cut it, Rebecca. But I am. And if I could trade places with Eli right now, I would. I swear to God I would.”

  She stepped back, and he couldn’t blame her. He probably looked like a big fucking mess right now because he was shaking. Physically shaking, and he couldn’t stop himself. If he was a hard-drinking man, he’d run out of this hospital and drown himself in a bottle. But he wasn’t, and he had to face this like a man. Even if he might rattle right out of his boots.

  Rebecca looked up at him and her eyes narrowed. “How dare you.”

  Not what he expected her to say.

  Then she gave his chest an angry shove. “How dare you give up when that little boy in there is fighting for every breath, every second that will keep him in this world long enough to survive. He’s a fighter. Just like his daddy. Just like you, Jake.”

  “Rebecca, I know you’re trying to be nice, because you are nice, but—”

  “I’m not trying to be anything. As gut-wrenching as it was, Eli’s death didn’t cause me to go into premature labor. I developed gestational diabetes. It wasn’t something I had any control over. I did everything the doctors said. But Elijah was born early. End of story. Just like you didn’t plan for your troops to be ambushed. It was something you had no control over, you just had to deal with the situation the best you could. You made a decision in a risky environment that could have gone either way. But when most men would freeze and be unable to know what to do, you trudged forward.”

  “I made the wrong decision. It got men killed. My best friend died because of my poor assessment of the situation.”

  “Wrong. Your best friend died because the enemy fired a mortar that blew up right where he was trying to rescue someone else.”

  Jake’s chest constricted so tight he couldn’t breathe. Nausea rolled through his stomach, and he could swear his heart might stop at any second. “I don’t deserve your empathy.”

  She reached out and grabbed his arm. “I’m not blaming you for what happened, Jake. So stop blaming yourself. When Eli joined the Marines, I knew what could happen. But I wanted him for as long as I could have him. So don’t you give up. Damn it. You fight. And you go on and enjoy your life to the fullest. That’s what Eli fought for. The right for others to enjoy freedom and a happy life. That’s what he would want for you. Just as you would want for him.”

  Tears rolled down her face. “If you give up now, you’ll destroy everything Eli fought for and believed in.”

  The turmoil in his head and heart made it impossible to think. He felt like he was drowning under the pressure of what had happened that day. Rebecca’s words were powerful, but he didn’t know if he could ever forgive himself.

  “Don’t you remember what happened that day, Jake?”

  “I remember.” The break in his voice did not surprise him.

  “I don’t think you do. I think you’re so focused on the order you gave that you’re missing everything else you did.” Her fingers tightened around his arm. “I read the report. You risked your own life to pull your men to safety. Repeatedly. Even after you’d been shot. Even after the bullet that tore through you barely missed hitting your femoral artery, you aided those who needed you. War is ugly, Jake. It’s unpredictable. But as soldiers, you all knew the chances you were taking every time you put on the uniform. Didn’t you?”

  He nodded.

  “Eli knew too. And if he were here right now, he’d knock you on your ass for blaming yourself. So please . . .” She wrapped her arms around him. “Please don’t blame yourself. I know you guys like to think of yourselves as invincible, but you’re only human.”

  The compassion in her embrace allowed the bricks around his heart to tumble down.

  “Please forgive yourself, Jake. Because I forgive you. And Eli would too.”

  And there it was.

  The words he needed to hear but couldn’t bear to request.

  In that closet-sized room, Jake knew that once again, Annie had been right. He’d needed forgiveness. It was just going to ta
ke some time to fathom the magnitude of the gesture Rebecca had just bestowed on him.

  Could he ever really forgive himself?

  Rebecca backed away. “Now, how about you put on those scrubs and come meet Elijah?”

  Jake nodded because at the moment he doubted he could speak. He slipped on the protective layer of clothing and followed Rebecca into the NICU. His stomach tightened when her smile blossomed as she looked into the plastic isolette at the fragile life that was her son.

  Eli’s son.

  The baby wore a little blue knit cap on his head. He was hooked up to tubes and lines, and he looked small enough to fit in one of Jake’s hands.

  Jake swallowed down the frantic thump of his heart.

  “This is Elijah Matthew Harris,” Rebecca said. “In all ways that mattered, Jake, you were Eli’s brother. He loved you. Admired you. And he trusted you. In the end, Eli always made his own decisions. It was his decision to go back after that fallen soldier that day. Not yours. So do your brother a favor and say hello to his son.”

  His heart pounded like it meant to leap from his chest as Rebecca showed him how to reach through the portals in the side of the isolette and touch this tiny life that had been created by one of the best men he’d ever known.

  The baby had dark hair like his dad and long fingers and toes. Jake thought of Max and how healthy Annie’s little boy was. How big and solid he felt in Jake’s arms when he picked him up. He wondered if Eli’s little boy would ever be able to put his arms around his mother’s neck and hold on while she carried him off to bed. If he’d ever hold those arms up so his mother could lift him and tell him stories of his brave father.

  “He’s gained almost two pounds,” Rebecca said proudly.

  Jake gave her a shaky smile. When he placed his finger beneath Elijah’s little hand, he finally found his voice. “Hey, little man. I’m a friend of your dad’s. He’d sure be happy to see you fighting so hard.” Tangled up with emotion, his words caught in his throat. “So you keep gaining weight and keep growing. Don’t give up. Okay? And I promise . . . I won’t either. I’ll be right here to tell you stories about what a fine soldier and a great man your daddy was. I’ve got a feeling you might be a lot like him.”