A Bicycle Made For Two

by Mary Jayne Baker

  ‘Oh, you’re so brave,’ Yolanda breathed, practically elbowing the other ladies aside so she could shuffle closer.

  ‘Ugh.’ I turned away and nodded to Cameron, still chatting to Gerry and Sue. For Tom’s sake they seemed to be making a special effort to take the lad under their wing. ‘So, did you talk to him?’

  He flushed. ‘Briefly. He wants to know when we can go out again.’

  ‘Ha! Told you.’

  ***

  Once everyone had done their shoot, with a final joint one for Stewart and Harper to go on the cover – star appeal, Yolanda reckoned – it was time to leave.

  ‘Sorry, Yo-yo, we’ll be needing your kimono again,’ Stewart said. ‘There’s still a few photographers, I’ll have to sneak Harper out the way he came.’

  ‘Not a problem, darling,’ said a now fully-dressed Yolanda, handing it to him from the back of her chair. She lowered her voice. ‘Feel free to hang on to it if you’d like, Mr Brady.’

  Harper’s lip curled slightly. ‘It’s ok. Stew can bring it back.’

  ‘I bet she’ll never wash it again,’ Tom muttered in my ear.

  ‘Er, hey. Lana,’ Harper said. ‘Can I have a word?’

  ‘If you must. What?’

  He took my elbow and guided me out of earshot of the others.

  ‘You’re a bit different, you know that?’ he said when we were in semi-privacy.

  ‘Are you on about my boobs again?’

  ‘Not just them.’ He dipped his head to look into my face. ‘You don’t like me much, do you?’

  ‘Hard to believe, right?’

  ‘Look, I’m sorry about that night in the restaurant. I was being a prick. It was uncalled for and I apologise.’

  I blinked. ‘Oh. Er, ok. Thanks.’

  ‘So now we’ve got that out the way, I thought me and you could maybe go for a drink some time. What do you say?’

  I frowned. ‘Sorry – you think I don’t like you so you want me to go for a drink with you?’

  ‘Yeah. It gets sickening, everyone blowing smoke up your arse 24/7. You’re not like that, it’s sort of refreshing.’ He grinned. ‘And I bet I could get you to like me. Love a challenge.’

  ‘I don’t think so, Harper.’

  ‘Why not? Apologised, didn’t I?’

  ‘And I accepted. It doesn’t mean I’m obligated to go out with you.’

  He glanced down at my chest again. He seemed to find it hard to pull his eyes away now he’d seen it in all its uncovered wobbly glory. ‘Go on, love, don’t be a mug. I am Harper Brady. You know, rich? Famous? Borderline national treasure?’

  ‘You just asked me out because I don’t care. Now you want me to go out with you because I should?’ I shook my head. ‘You’re a weird bloke.’

  ‘Think about it, ok?’ He pressed a business card into my hand. ‘Give me a call when you come to your senses.’

  ‘I wouldn’t hold your breath.’

  ‘You will though.’ He turned to Stewart. ‘Right. Where’s that sodding clown wig then?’

  Chapter 19

  The next meeting was at Flagons. Debbie was off sick so Tom and I wanted to be on hand in case we were needed. It felt daft putting our serious faces on and talking bats with the lady from the wildlife group in our medieval getup, but such was life. My life anyway.

  Stewart was the last group member to arrive.

  ‘Evening, fellow naturists,’ he said with a grin as he sank into his seat. ‘Any news on Egglethwaite’s first foray into the soft porn market?’

  ‘Apart from Gerry’s youthful career as Yorkshire’s answer to Ron Jeremy, but we don’t talk about that,’ Tom said.

  Cameron laughed. ‘I wondered about the moustache.’

  Gerry glared at them. ‘Oi. Watch it, kids, or I’ll set my missus on you.’

  ‘Keep your voices down,’ I hissed. ‘The customers can hear. I don’t need a reputation as a porn star on top of this corset, thanks.’

  ‘You going to go medieval on our asses?’ Stewart said.

  ‘Funny.’

  ‘So have the calendars arrived?’ he asked in a lower voice.

  ‘Not yet,’ Tom said. ‘Jasmine’s picking them up from the printer’s this week.’

  ‘I can’t wait to see how I look,’ Yolanda breathed, her eyes glittering with girlish excitement. ‘Oh, and the rest of you, of course.’

  ‘No one’s talking to you, Yo-yo,’ Sue said. ‘You made a right hash of things with the papers, didn’t you?’

  In spite of our best efforts sneaking him in and out, one of the photographers had somehow managed to snap a long-lens pic of Harper in his ridiculous kimono-and-clown outfit. It appeared next day in one of the larger regionals, along with the full story leaked by Yolanda and a caption that said ‘Running away to join the circus, Mr Brady?’ The day after, the photo – minus the calendar story – was in most of the nationals as well.

  ‘Nonsense, Susan,’ Yolanda said, waving a hand. ‘Everyone knows there’s no such thing as bad publicity.’

  ‘I can tell you on good authority Harper doesn’t,’ Stewart said, rubbing his ear. ‘I nearly went deaf when he rang.’

  ‘She’s right though,’ said Gerry, who’d been appointed group treasurer. ‘I had a load of advance orders after that photo came out. Ladies after a pic of your sauce man mostly, much as I’d like to claim credit myself.’

  ‘How much have we made so far then?’ Cameron asked.

  He looked down at a sheet of paper. ‘£7.99 a pop… about £600 after print costs.’

  ‘Bloody hell!’ Tom said. ‘That’s not bad, is it?’

  ‘So. I think someone owes someone an apology, don’t they?’ Yolanda said, sending Sue a smug look.

  ‘Don’t push it, Yo-yo.’

  ‘Six hundred’s good for starters but it’s a long way off 25 grand,’ I said. ‘We’d better get planning the next fundraiser if we’re going to be quids in by January. And we need to get everyone in the village on board, organising coffee mornings and that. We’ll never make that sort of money on our own.’

  ‘First things first.’ Stewart nodded to a woman scanning the tables for us. ‘I think our guest’s here.’

  I suppose in the back of my mind I’d expected Batwoman to be some sort of ecowarrior stereotype, all dreadlocks and no deodorant. But the person heading towards us looked like any other thirtysomething, apart from one thing: she was clearly seven holy shades of pissed off.

  ‘God, she looks terrifying,’ Tom whispered. ‘What’re these bats called again? Barbie dolls?’

  ‘Barbastelles, pillock.’

  ‘Have you got a plan then?’

  ‘Don’t be daft. When do I ever have a plan? Er, hi,’ I said with a sheepish grimace as Batwoman reached our table. ‘Sienna, is it? Lana Donati. I think Andy filled you in.’

  She grabbed the hand I offered and shook it vigorously: almost aggressively, in fact.

  ‘Ms Edge. Let’s save first names for if or when we’re all friends, shall we?’

  With that she sank into a seat and folded her arms. I could see her sneering at my corset and cap.

  ‘Oh. Yes. Sorry about the gear,’ I said. ‘My brother and I had to come dressed for work, just in case we’re needed.’

  ‘It seems to me that if this issue really mattered to you, you’d have taken the night off.’

  ‘Well, we’ve got a staff member off sick, you see,’ Tom mumbled, flushing with anxiety. I saw Cameron give his knee a reassuring squeeze under the table.

  ‘So. Ms Edge,’ Stewart said. ‘We hear you like bats. Er, we also think bats rock. They can… see in the dark.’

  I shot him a look.

  ‘What he means is, we’re all really big on bats here,’ I said, smiling ingratiatingly. ‘There’s nothing we’d like more than to give them what the
y need so we can get what we need. I’m sure we can find a solution that makes everyone happy, bats and people.’

  ‘Pffft. People,’ Sienna spat. ‘What’re people? Just another animal. And yet they think they own the earth, lords of all creation.’

  I blinked. ‘Well, no, I don’t think we – ’

  She leaned forward to stare into my face. ‘Have you ever held a motherless baby bat, Miss Donati?’

  ‘Er, no. I mean, I would. You know, if it was lonely…’

  ‘I have. Beautiful, empathic creatures. They can read your heart.’

  ‘Um, they’re certainly great, but that does seem a bit unlikely. We’ve never even met.’

  She scowled. ‘You don’t care about the barbastelles at all, do you?’

  ‘We do, promise!’ Cameron said. ‘Honestly, I know this matters. I was conservation officer for my students’ union.’

  Tom blinked. ‘Were you?’

  ‘Yeah. I’m a zoology graduate, aren’t I?’ He turned an earnest gaze on Batwoman. ‘But people matter too, Ms Edge. This community matters. We can’t just close this off because it’s a bit of rock out of thousands of bits of rock the bats could call home.’

  ‘They chose this home. Who are we to tell them they’re wrong?’ Sienna Edge leaned across the table to glare at him, but Cameron didn’t flinch. ‘Typical human arrogance,’ she breathed. ‘We have to stop thinking we outrank every species on earth.’

  ‘You’re right, of course you’re right,’ Cameron said. The rest of us just sat back, speechless with admiration, as his eyes fired with passion. ‘But what built the viaduct? Human arrogance. It’s not about rank, it’s about living together and sharing what we have. Fighting for the greatest good for the greatest number of people. Anyway, that’s what I believe.’

  ‘Jesus Christ,’ I muttered to Tom. ‘Your boyfriend’s amazing.’

  He blinked. ‘He is a bit, isn’t he?’

  ‘Bats are people too,’ Sienna snapped.

  ‘No they’re not! They’re bloody bats!’ Cameron sighed. ‘Not that that means they shouldn’t have rights. God knows, I’ve fought for it myself. But we need some perspective here.’

  ‘So it’s the usual colonial bastard response, is it? Wipe them out and move in?’

  ‘Why shouldn’t we move them?’ Cameron demanded. ‘We’ve been told translocation can be done with minimal loss of life.’

  ‘Because minimal means some. That species is endangered: every life is precious.’

  Customers had started to turn now, noticing the raised voices.

  ‘Cam,’ Tom said quietly.

  ‘Let’s calm down,’ Cameron said to Sienna, leaning back in his chair. ‘I’d like us to be on the same side.’

  Batwoman sneered. ‘The side of the greater good, right? The greater good for Man, as usual.’

  ‘The greater good for all,’ Cameron said patiently. ‘Why did you come tonight, Ms Edge? To tell us off or to find a way forward?’

  ‘To talk you out of it, clearly.’

  ‘Well, that’s not an option, clearly,’ he said, sweeping a hand around the table. ‘We want to do right by the bats. But a man called Phil Donati who’s not here any more cared a lot about this, and a lot of people who are still here, still do. So it’s compromise or a fight. And I think I’m speaking for everyone when I say I’d prefer the former.’

  ‘And I wouldn’t,’ Sienna said, jumping to her feet. ‘I came here to help you see sense. Well, you had your chance. You’ll be hearing from me.’ She kicked back her chair and stormed out.

  Stewart blinked. ‘Well that escalated.’

  Cameron pushed back his floppy hair, slightly breathless. ‘Yeah, sorry, guys. Really hope I haven’t cocked it up for us. It’s just an issue I get a bit exercised about, you know?’

  ‘No, you were fab,’ I said. ‘Better arguments than we’d have made.’

  ‘Sexiest thing I ever saw,’ Tom muttered.

  Cameron grinned. ‘Well there’s more to me than chips, you know.’

  ‘Hey, if you’re not doing anything important right now, how about that second date?’

  ‘We’re not done, are we?’

  ‘Nope, you two’re done,’ I said, giving Tom’s back a pat. ‘I’ll fill you in on anything important tomorrow. Oh, and there’s a bottle of chianti in the kitchenette. I won’t miss it if you want to help yourselves.’

  ‘If you’re sure we’re not needed.’ Cameron was barely looking at us, his eyes fixed on Tom. ‘Night then.’

  When they’d disappeared upstairs, Stewart grinned at me.

  ‘Those crazy kids.’

  ‘I know. Suckers for bat-related foreplay.’

  Sue elbowed Gerry. ‘Oi. Stop looking disapproving, you miserable old fogey.’

  ‘I wasn’t!’

  ‘Yes you were. Times’ve changed, Gerry Lightowler. Young Tom deserves his share of love, same as we all do.’

  ‘I know.’ He sighed. ‘Well, he’s a good lad, that Cameron. I don’t disapprove, I’ve just got that sort of face.’

  Sue nodded. ‘Melted bulldog. We had noticed.’ She nudged Yolanda on her other side. ‘Another one bites the dust, eh?’

  Yolanda shrugged. ‘Plenty more fish.’ She shot Stewart a suggestive grin. ‘Still, he should really have given my elderflower gin a try.’

  I waved a hand. ‘Never mind them. What about fundraisers?’

  ‘But we don’t know what Batwoman’s going to do yet,’ Stewart said.

  I frowned. ‘How did you know that’s what I call her?’

  ‘I didn’t. That’s just what I call her.’

  ‘Oh. Right. Well, I don’t think that should stop us planning. She’s not much more than a gob on legs at the moment, is she?’

  Gerry nodded. ‘Lana’s right. We’ve got a lot of money to make in the next few months.’

  ‘I think our group should be looking at big moneymakers and encouraging the village to plan smaller ones,’ Yolanda said. ‘Ladies Who Lunch will do something, of course.’

  ‘And I’m sure the band will,’ I said. ‘What about your morrismen, Gerry? Sponsored pub crawl?’

  Gerry looked offended. ‘We’re not all about drinking, you know.’

  ‘Why, what else is there?’

  ‘Sometimes we go watch the rugby.’ He shrugged. ‘Ok, we’ll do something. What about this group though? Any ideas?’

  ‘I wondered about a Halloween event,’ I said. ‘We could call it The Boneshaker. Like an old bike, see?’

  Stewart nodded approvingly. ‘I like that. Hey, not just a pretty face, are you?’

  I blushed. ‘Thanks. You think it could work then?’

  ‘I do. What’s more, my shop’ll sponsor it. How does all your publicity materials covered and a £1,000 donation to the viaduct sound?’

  ‘Really, Stew?’

  ‘Really.’ He flashed me a warm smile, and I blushed deeper when I realised what I’d just called him.

  ‘And you could be the face of it, couldn’t you, darling?’ Yolanda said, resting her hand on his arm.

  He hesitated. ‘I’m not sure about that, Yo-yo. I don’t cycle now.’

  ‘You’re well-known among people who follow the sport though.’

  ‘To an extent,’ he said. ‘But I’ve never been comfortable in the limelight. Maybe I can get us someone else.’

  I groaned. ‘If you say Harper Brady I’m going to need a drink.’

  ‘No, not Harper,’ he said. ‘I was thinking someone from the cycling world.’

  ‘But what will the event be?’ Sue said.

  ‘Let’s all go away and have a brainstorm,’ I said. ‘I’m sure we can come up with something.’

  Chapter 20

  ‘Where’s Cam?’ I asked Tom next morning when he joined me on the sofa, yawning.


  ‘Asleep. All tuckered out, poor little chap.’

  I smiled. ‘Not surprised. So he didn’t laugh then?’

  ‘Nope. If anything he seemed quite impressed.’

  ‘See? Didn’t I say were worrying over nothing.’

  He drew himself up. ‘You watch what you’re calling nothing. No way to talk about a love god’s equipment.’

  ‘All right, that’s enough. Some equipment little sisters don’t need to think about.’ I nodded to four square envelopes on the coffee table. ‘Speaking of, look what came while you were in bed. Models’ advance copies.’

  ‘The calendars! Did you have a look?’

  ‘No. I was waiting for moral support.’

  ‘Why are there four?’

  ‘One each for me, you, Cameron and Stewart. Jasmine asked if we could bob his over when he’s up.’

  ‘Well go on then, open one.’

  I grimaced. ‘Don’t think I can bear it. You do it.’

  ‘Hang on, let me fetch Cam first,’ Tom said. ‘This is worth waking him up for.’

  Ten minutes later, the pair of them joined me, Cameron in an old dressing gown of Tom’s with his floppy hair adorably rumpled. I smiled when I noticed them holding hands.

  ‘Morning, Lana,’ Cameron said with a little blush. ‘Hope you didn’t mind me staying over.’

  ‘Don’t be daft. You know you’re always welcome.’ I shuffled up on the sofa to make room for them both.

  Flash was curled in his bed, unconvincingly pretending to be asleep, but his ears pricked when he heard Cameron’s voice. As soon as the lads sat down, he sprang into Cam’s lap to lick his face.

  ‘You’ve got a friend there,’ I said, laughing. ‘He must sense you’re an animal lover. Flash can smell opportunities to get himself spoilt.’

  ‘Well, he’s come to the right man.’ Cameron gave him a rough jiggle and the little dog wagged his tail vigorously. ‘I’ll spoil him rotten.’

  ‘Do you have pets?’

  ‘No, my mum reckons they’re unhygienic. Me and my sister must’ve wasted half our childhoods begging for something fur-bearing and the best we got was a bloody stick insect. Larry.’