True Desires

by Rhea Wilde

  “What?”

  I looked over at my friend to the right as she smiled at me.

  “I’m all right, Penny,” I sighed.

  “Are you sure? You look nervous. You’re bouncing your leg. You can’t stop fidgeting in your seat…”

  She pointed at my leg and I looked down. My right leg crossed on top of my left and rocked back and forth. It wasn’t until she said something that I began to feel the entire seat shaking beneath me.

  “It’s all right,” she said. “It’s a big step.”

  “I know. It shouldn’t be though.”

  “Right. That time you went to England.”

  “Oxford. I spent a whole semester there studying.”

  “Studying. Right. You still haven’t told me about any of the guys you met there.”

  I could feel my face beginning to blush. It wasn’t just my best friend teasing me about it. The memories I made were enough to last a lifetime and they were still fresh in my head.

  “That’s not important,” I said to her. “I’ve told you enough about the guys I’ve slept with.”

  “But sleeping with a guy overseas is different?”

  “How’s that?”

  “Are you kidding?” she exclaimed. “American guys are different from guys in the UK. You would know that better than I do.”

  “I suppose I would…”

  “And you’re still not gonna tell me?”

  I glanced over at my friend. She always had this look on her face when she knew she was about to hear a piece of juicy gossip. Her eyes were wide and her mouth was half-open like she was already reacting to something she hadn’t heard yet.

  “No,” I said. “I’m not gonna tell you.”

  “Ugh!”

  She let out a frustrated sigh and sank deeper into her seat.

  “You’re no fun, Sheila.”

  I could hear my friend grumbling in her seat. I giggled softly to myself and turned my attention to all of the people walking by us. They tugged on their carry-on luggage and went about their business. I wondered where each of them was heading. Wherever it was, I wondered if it were a more interesting city than New Gardens. For me, I didn’t know that yet. I was anxious to find out.

  “That’s not what this is about,” I said.

  “What’s the point of traveling abroad if it’s not to hook up with hot foreign guys? What else is there to do?”

  I looked at my friend, still slouching in her seat and upset I wasn’t willing to kiss and tell.

  “I’m kind of over that,” I said.

  “You? You’re over that? I find that hard to believe.”

  “It’s true. I mean… It was fun. Don’t get me wrong. But we’re not in college anymore. Graduation is over. Freshman year… It feels so far away. When I think about how I was, I shake my head.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I was just so wild and out of control. I was spending so much time enjoying myself it almost affected my schoolwork.”

  “You did okay though. Your grades were great. If you were having any trouble, you did a good job hiding it.”

  “Yeah… But I think I’m tired of that kind of life. I’m tired of the random hookups and being with guys I’ll never see again.”

  “So, is that what this is about? You’re gonna fly overseas and find yourself a husband?”

  Penny raised her eyes suggestively at me and I couldn’t help but laugh at her. She chuckled just the same and her mood had lightened from the pouty little girl just a moment ago.

  “All right,” I said. “I’ll tell you a story. I’ll tell you about a guy I met in Oxford.”

  “Okay, here we go,” she said, leaning forward and rubbing her hands. “Tell me the juicy details.”

  “It’s not the kind of story you think it is.”

  “I’ll be the judge of that. What was his name?”

  “I never got his name.”

  “Okay, a one-night stand. I can dig that. Keep going…”

  “I said it’s not that kind of story,” I said with a giggle. “He was just a guy I saw.”

  It was more than a year ago when I went to Oxford to study. The experience was like nothing I’d ever been through before, so the memory was still fresh.

  “I was at the library and spent hours studying for a few exams. When I left that night, I didn’t realize how late it was. I didn’t know the city. It was easy to get lost. For some reason, I decided to take a stroll.”

  “That doesn’t sound like the best idea…”

  “It wasn’t. But something came over me. I don’t know what it was. I guess I was spending so much time with school I never really got the chance to see the city.”

  “And you thought in the middle of the night was a perfect time to do just that?”

  “Like I said, something came over me. So I headed down into the city.”

  “By yourself?”

  “By myself. There were still people out on the streets. But I wasn’t really sure what to make of them. Something was so different but familiar about them.”

  “So, what happened? Did you get mugged? Some guy try to pick you up?”

  “No, nothing like that,” I said, shaking my head. “I saw a guy on the streets.”

  “A guy on the streets?”

  “Yeah… A homeless man. He was sitting on the curb, just by himself.”

  “You did something. I know where this is going.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because that’s just who you are, Sheila. What did you do?”

  “I… I took a seat next to him. I probably would have never done that here. Can you imagine some 21-year-old girl just sitting next to a homeless guy?”

  “I can imagine. Sounds strange.”

  “Yeah. But it was different. I was in another country, in another world. I wanted to see what the people were like, the real people.”

  “And?”

  “I remember the way he looked at me. I remember the sadness in his eyes. He told me everything without saying a word.”

  “That sucks…”

  “I dug into my purse and gave him a few pounds. It wasn’t much. I was just a student. Then the strangest thing happened.”

  “What?”

  “He smiled at me. The sadness in his eyes disappeared. All because I gave him enough to buy one meal for the night.”

  I looked away from my friend and stared off into the distance. From the corner of my eye, I could see Penny looking at me. Her stare was drilling a hole through me but I ignored her.

  “That’s what this is about,” she said. “How come you never told me?”

  “I’m telling you now.”

  “And here I thought you wanted to travel because you wanted to fill up your passport and keep track of all the guys you slept with in different countries.”

  “Well… I’m not saying I won’t do that. But it’s not a priority. Seeing that man changed me. It made me realize the world is bigger than me. It’s bigger than anything I’ve ever been through. It’s bigger than New Gardens.”

  “That’s just the world is. It’s big. You can’t change it all by yourself.”

  “No, but I can do something.”

  “And you’ve decided to go to Japan first?”

  “Yeah. I’ve got a free place to stay and they’ll take care of me while I volunteer.”

  “How long are you going to be there?”

  “Who knows?” I said with a shrug. “But I’ll do what I can there. Then I’ll move on.”

  “To where?”

  “Everywhere. China, Thailand, Vietnam, Korea, Cambodia, the Philippines. Then after that, I’ll go to South America or Africa. I’ll go to Europe, too. Maybe visit some of the other cities I didn’t get to see… Leeds, Swansea…”

  “What about your parents? Are they okay with this?”

  I nodded to my friend and smiled. It was only then I realized just how fortunate I was.

  “My parents know. I have their full support. They’ll always be
there if I need them. That’s how they’ve always been. I’m… I’m lucky to have them in my life.”

  Penny started giggling to herself.

  “What’s so funny?” I asked.

  “You were always a dreamer, Sheila.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “It means you’re crazy.”

  “And what’s that supposed to mean?” I repeated.

  “Sheila,” she sighed. “You’re trying to save the world.”

  “I’m not trying to save the world. I’m just trying to do my part, that’s all. And maybe, I’ll figure some things out along the way.”

  “Figure things out? Like what?”

  “I want to figure out who I am or what I want to do. I was so busy at the university I didn’t think about what comes next. All I know is I want to help people and I don’t see the harm in that.”

  “Yeah,” she sighed again. “I get that.”

  Penny sank back into her seat and crossed her arms. I relaxed right next to her, no longer bouncing my leg nervously.

  “How long?” she asked without looking at me.

  “I don’t know. Five. Ten. Fifteen years. Who knows?”

  “Just make sure you come back, okay? There are people here, in New Gardens, that need help.”

  “You’re right. Maybe one day I will come back.”

  “You’d better. Travel the world and get it out of your system then come back, settle down, maybe get married…”

  “I don’t see that happening but anything is possible.”

  “All right. Just promise me one thing.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Promise me you’ll take care of yourself.”

  “What? What do you mean—”

  “Listen, I know you, Sheila. I’ve known you since we were kids. Sometimes… Sometimes you let your emotions get the best of you. When you’re out there traveling the world, just promise me you won’t get in over your head. If anything is wrong, you come back. Try not to do everything by yourself.”

  I looked at my friend. It was one of those rare times when she was being serious. I could see it in her eyes.

  “You’re my best friend,” I said. “Okay. I won’t do anything crazy.”

  Just then, the airport made an announcement over the loudspeaker.

  “That’s my flight,” I said. “They’re boarding now.”

  “Then you’d better get to it.”

  I stood up from my seat and Penny jumped on me, squeezing me in her arms like she didn’t want to let me go. When I finally managed to pull away from her, the sadness in her eyes made it hard for me to look at her.

  “Go travel the world,” she said, her voice cracking slightly. “And then when you’re done, you come back. There are people here who need you. People who will miss you… miss your heart.”

  “I promise.”

  Without saying another word to her, I nodded then turned to walk toward the gate. I didn’t look back at her as I waited in line to board.

  I was on a long journey ahead of me. I couldn’t be distracted by the past. All that mattered was the future.

  Chapter 23

  Judgment night for Victor Castle had arrived. After speaking with Officer Dion over the phone, everything was set. The police were going to perform one last sting operation to try and nail Castle before he tried to skip town. I was at the center of it all. I didn’t know how it had gotten to this point, but I was determined to see it through.

  It wouldn’t be easy. Dion made me no guarantees and Castle would be just as unpredictable. I was walking right into the Lion’s Den and my chances were a giant question mark.

  I found myself struggling with the anxiety that came with having to do something like this. My entire body was a bundle of nerves. I’d never felt like this before, so I had no idea how to handle it.

  The meeting with Dion to prepare for everything was only just a few hours away but it felt closer. Every second was a footstep closer to the unknown. I had to do something.

  I left the shelter that night, my meeting with Lee still lingering in my thoughts. The sun had gone down and the moon replaced it but it was still warm in the air. I had nothing else to do except wait but I knew I couldn’t do just that.

  I took a cab and headed to Underwood. The street was little different from how it usually was. When I arrived at the shop Noah worked at, he was already outside, locking up the garage.

  “Noah!”

  I stepped out of the cab and called out to him as quickly as I could. He turned and his eyebrows raised, a surprised smile on his face.

  “Sheila…”

  “Hey,” I said, suddenly feeling the need to catch my breath. “I’m sorry I didn’t text or call. I just… I needed to talk to you. Can we talk? Just for a minute?”

  “Of course. Do you want to grab a drink? I was just going to Fresco—”

  “No. I need to talk to you alone.”

  He understood immediately, nodding his head.

  “Okay… Um, we can talk in the garage. Lou’s not here. Would that work?”

  “Yeah.”

  He unlocked the massive garage door then led me inside before shutting it down. The silence was broken when he moved over to his MP3 player and started some music. It was some old rock music. Aerosmith. Stones. Beatles. I was too distracted to identify it exactly.

  “Do you want something to drink? I think Lou keeps something in his fridge. I could—”

  “No, it’s all right. I just wanted to talk to you.”

  “Okay. What’s this about?”

  I anxiously started to pace in front of him before taking a seat on a chair in the corner of the garage. Noah stood a few meters away from me, his arms crossed.

  He looked the same as he always did. His jeans were smudged with grease. His white shirt was the same. His arms bulged and his shoulders were so broad, it seemed like the fabric was going to tear at any second. His blond hair was covered underneath his familiar gray beanie.

  He had a calm look on his face. No expression and no emotion. He was patient as I tried to figure out what I was going to say. It was difficult. It was awkward, too, considering the last time I saw him I was up against a wall with my pants rolled down to my ankles. But I had to say something. In case something happened.

  “I spoke to your father,” I said.

  Noah rolled his eyes then looked away, trying to hide the disgust.

  “Wait,” I said as I put my hands up. “I’m not—”

  “What did he say to you? Don’t listen to what he has to say, okay? He’s a liar.”

  “Maybe. But I don’t think he was lying this time. I know him. I… knew him… A long time ago.”

  I could see the frustration building inside of him.

  “I was close to him,” I said. “I was closer to him than anybody I’d ever met at that point in my life.”

  “Is that what you’ve come to tell me? That you’re still in love with him?”

  “No. I got over him a long time ago. Running into him again didn’t reignite old feelings. All it did was confirm what I already believed.”

  “Okay,” Noah sighed, beginning to calm down. “So?”

  “Noah, he told me about you. He told me about your mother. Is it true?”

  I shouldn’t have asked it so bluntly. Noah seemed bothered by it. But when he looked at me, I knew he wouldn’t be anything but honest with me.

  “I never really knew my mother. I had to piece together stories about her but I got the truth eventually. You can find the information you need to if you want it.”

  He moved over to his workbench and leaned against the edge of it, his arms crossed. He stared straight forward at the other side of the garage as the memories continued to come back to him.

  “I never knew him either,” Noah continued. “Lee was somewhat of a myth. My foster parents one time told me about him. They told me about how much money he was making and how he started a successful business. All I could do was wonder wh
ere he was. By the time he showed up…”

  Noah shook his head, his lips twisted like he didn’t want to say what was next.

  “…By the time he showed up, it was already too late. He wasn’t my father. He was just some rich guy.”

  “You never accepted him.”

  “How could I? My mother was gone. He abandoned me and left to make a fortune. All of a sudden he wanted to come back into my life because he had money. I’m not gonna go running back to him just because of that. He can’t buy me off.”

  “He wasn’t trying to buy you off. Noah, he’s your father. He wanted to be a part of your life.”

  “Too late for that. My childhood was already over by that time. I’d been around too much. The only thing I knew I could depend on was me.”

  Noah turned and stared at me. His eyes were focused. There was no smile on his face. No frown either. His expression was almost mean, like there was an anger inside of him. All of it because of everything he just said to me.

  “I don’t need him in my life,” he said. “I don’t hate him anymore. But our relationship will never be what it could have been.”

  “Noah—”

  “It’s okay. I’m not mad. He shouldn’t be either. That’s just the way things are. That’s… That’s just how things worked out.”

  I hopped off of my seat and moved closer to him. He looked down, his eyes shifted away from me. I raised a hand up to his face and pressed it gently across his cheek. He closed his eyes and sighed from my touch. His head shifted as he moved his face into my hand. I could feel a sense of relief coming from him. The anger and frustration that filled the garage were slowly leaving.

  When he opened his eyes, he stared back at me with a smile on his face.

  “I care about you,” he said. “I don’t care about what happened in the past. I don’t care about what happened with Lee. All I care about is you.”

  “I know you do.”

  “I want to be there for you.”

  Knowing what was looming made it hard for me to look back at him. I pulled my hand away from his face then turned my back to him. I took a step forward and heard him call out to me.

  “Sheila…”

  I didn’t respond. I closed my eyes and put my head down, my chin pointing at my chest. I sighed a deep breath to try and maintain my composure.