Crap Dates: Disastrous Encounters from Single Life

by Rhodri Marsden

  Dates can go very wrong very quickly, and it’s important to have a getaway plan. The recognized method is to pre-arrange a 9 P.M. text message from a friend summoning you to help them get to hospital after a grisly kitchen accident—but this is so widely used that you may as well say to your date, “I’m sorry, this isn’t working.” In an ideal world, we’d be honest and open enough to do just that. But instead we invent implausible excuses involving food that we suspect might be going bad in our fridge: trying to be kind, but actually being vaguely insulting. The other approach is to say you’re going to the toilet, start walking, and just keep going.

  @SamFrandisc0

  Her opening gambit was that she constantly lied. “Do you want a drink?” I asked. “Yes,” she replied. I was confused.

  @mabsbirtwhistle

  I’m in the back of a cab set for home. He pats the cab firmly and says to the driver: “Drive safely, you have a very precious cargo.”

  @Tony_Marks

  She sprayed Pino Silvestre aftershave on me, linked arms wedding style to drink, and introduced me as her husband.

  @Sathnam

  Her, 30 minutes into our date: “Hope you don’t mind, I’ve brought some friends along.” Seven of them, scattered around bar. Bought them drinks.

  @MichkenBE

  Once at a concert I met a girl. We went outside. She was cold. I gave her my jacket. She stole my money.

  @MissCay

  I took him home. During sex, he shouted “I HAVE A WIFE AND CHILD!” It was a bit awkward.

  @AliHax

  I was once scolded, in all seriousness, and forced to eat ALL my vegetables on a first date.

  #THE PARTY ORGANIZER

  @disasteronheels

  My date brought a date on the date.

  There are occasions when an evening billed as a date turns out to be some kind of social gathering. This could be due to your date being emotionally illiterate, sexually adventurous, or simply preferring to spend time with their friends. But when this scenario transpires around you, even more questions pose themselves. What if I fancy the friend more than my date, and why haven’t they considered this? Am I expected to buy a round of drinks? How awkward will this become at the end of the night? But worse than the person who brings a wingman, wingmen, or wingwomen on their date are those who decide to hold some kind of romantic audition to get two, three, or more people ticked off their list. If you find yourself on the dating X Factor, quit immediately.

  @hey_micky

  He turned up late, on the phone to a friend. He said to the friend: “I’ll call you back in . . .” (looked me up and down) “. . . about 45 minutes.”

  @thisismadeup

  After one drink she said: “How serious are you?” I stared at her, blankly. She described herself as “80% serious.”

  @richardarnatt

  She told me how she only dates guys less intelligent than her. In her follow-up text she misspelled “fantastic.”

  @leidengirl

  He wanted to “wash up” so removed his shirt. Then said something “bit him” and removed his pants. His friends had told him that women love that.

  @Birdy246

  He asked me to sleep with his best friend, and gave me a Fleetwood Mac CD as a gift so I could learn about “unconventional relationships.”

  @davis2908

  He pretended he was a widower who had lost his wife to cancer. When I became suspicious he said: “She’s not dead, exactly.”

  @jhedelstein

  I thought it was a job interview. He thought it was a date. We both left disappointed.

  @shelbel99

  We went to his family barbecue on a date. His big dog immediately sniffed my crotch, and his dad said “Just like my son, hey boy?”

  @femmeframboise

  After one awful date, he went to my workplace, pretended to be a relative to get my address, then turned up at my house.

  @JBCoffee88

  He asked me: “Will you be my little spoon?” I said no. His follow up: “My big spoon?”

  #THE SINSTER CREEP

  @Anonymous

  He spent the evening telling me the best ways to murder people and get away with it.

  Ninety-nine percent of bad dates are characterized by mild discomfort, but the remaining one percent can give you a sneaking feeling you might be in mortal danger. Pre-date alarms should sound if it’s suggested that you meet in the woods at dusk, or at an industrial park on a Sunday. Stay alert to unusual lines of questioning, such as “Does anyone know where you are right now?” and “How quickly do you think your body might decay?” Also check your escape routes if you hear any stories that end with “. . . but there was insufficient evidence to link me to that particular crime.” Similarly, avoid relentless perspirerers, mouth-breathers, police-lineup resemblers, and dates who stare at parts of your body as if they’d like to put them in freezer bags.

  @celialikesbooks

  The date ended with him running to a bus stop shouting “I have to go to my friend’s cat in Tottenham.” We were outside his flat.

  @Bohemiangirl

  I was 18. He took me on a burglary. I stayed in the car, not having a clue what he was doing in that house.

  @the_rowan

  His initials were KJ, and he insisted I call him Cagey. He then warned me that his ex would put a Wiccan curse on us.

  @InaudibleMum

  He wore bicycle clips throughout and made a scene with the restaurant staff about the size of portions for the price.

  @pixiecake

  He tried to storm out of my apartment when I said I wasn’t interested. Then had to come back for me to unlock the door.

  @TakinOutTheTash

  He told me he was 30, but was actually 37. He didn’t want to attract a woman “over 29 and therefore on the shelf.”

  @annaleeb

  He asked if I was OK with him turning up when he wanted, but not contacting me between visits. He also insisted I learn piano.

  #THE SEXUAL DEVIANT

  @katiejaygee

  He showed up at the restaurant with crutches for me to hop around on later on, as it turned him on. I faked a migraine and left.

  In the context of a long-term relationship, it’s surprising how many mild perversions can be politely accommodated. So I’ve heard. But to confess them as an opening gambit suggests that their compulsion to, say, fondle furniture, or auto-asphyxiate with tropical fruit, is more important to them than getting along with someone on a more fundamental level. And maybe that’s true. But they can’t be surprised if people react badly—particularly if it’s mentioned in a matter-of-fact way that suggests everyone is doing it, and we’re the prudes for not wanting to introduce tortoises into love-play, or whatever. Then again, dating is a percentage game. It’s possible that this strategy works once in every two hundred attempts. And that would end up being one hell of a night.

  @white_mischief

  I went on a date with a woman who had pre-arranged for two other men to meet her at the same time and location.

  @UniverseHeard

  He actually said: “But enough about me, let’s talk about you.” Without a hint of irony.

  @Duchessbluebird

  He spent the whole date mocking teaching (I teach) then said the date hadn’t been worth the price of his train ticket.

  @andrea_pappin

  He kept making gun signs at me, shouting “Who’s your daddy?”

  @Eamonn_Forde

  She stubbed a cigarette out on the back of my hand. After asking to. And me saying no.

  @leighblue

  Went on a date, no chemistry, didn’t call her. Years later I saw her on a TV makeover show, saying that she’d only been on one date in her whole life.

  @sitemanagergal

  30 minutes into a first date his mobile rings. He answered. “Hi Mom! Yeah, I’m with her now. It’s great. Put Dad on, I’ll tell him.”

  @AdeletheGreat

  He showed up to meet me in a bar in full fencing garb,
carrying his wallet in his face protector thing.

  @JessicaRoseJR

  He lived at home. I had to sneak past his mom, who was my favorite teacher when I was 10, and I found a large knife under his bed.

  @BLt_ch0

  The date went well until he mentioned his name is not really Steven, nor was he 27, nor single.

  #THE TACTLESS IDIOT

  @SoranaSantos

  He said: “This lunch could only be improved if I was eating it with a beautiful woman.”

  When we’re nervous, we say stupid things. We blurt out idle thoughts that social convention and common sense would normally force us to suppress—for instance, expressing disappointment at the size of your date’s breasts, or the severity of their receding hairline. Dates should be sprinkled with light pleasantries as you pay compliments and show general interest, even if it requires you to dredge up superhuman levels of effort and ingenuity. Yes, it may feel like hard work, but it’s better than being brutally honest and digging yourself into a pit of embarrassment as a result. Of course, if you’ve decided that a) you want to make a sharp exit and b) the best way of doing so is to make your date hate you, then yes, tactless idiocy is one way to go. But it won’t enhance your reputation.

  @LianneMarieB

  I invited the guy over for dinner, he asked if he could take a shower, then told me he’d wanked in it.

  @KateSawyer

  Fifteen minutes into the date, he said “If I was my friend Michael I’d do this—” and promptly grabbed my tits.

  @cybermango

  He asked me if I wanted to go back to his place to look at his plants. We did. He had a house full of plants. Then I left.

  @KonkaniBoy

  He insisted I pay for dinner as I made more money than him. He then said: “You may make more money, but I’m better looking.”

  @elle_c_emm

  I am living proof that the line “I can’t see you anymore, I’m becoming a priest” is still in modern use. After one date.

  @existentialyes

  He took a phone call and said “about seven?” He then pretended that “seven” was the number of people he’d interviewed that day.

  @daisyisarobot

  A guy I used to work with asked me out. He seemed really nice whilst in the office but on the first date he kicked a pigeon.

  @RX2904

  She insisted on me going to Tibet with her to save the monks. When I said I don’t want to, she said “Yes, you do.”

  @sarah_ j_bond

  I spent an evening taking a hat round to collect money whilst he breakdanced (badly) until we had enough money for a drink and a KFC.

  @loupepper

  He kept an overly large coat on throughout. The reason became clear when he stole my handbag while I was in the toilet.

  @JamesTheHat

  We chatted for months at work. We finally went for lunch on Xmas Eve. Holding hands, she told me that she was spending Xmas with her husband.

  #THE DELUDED OPTIMIST

  @anthropochick

  Lunch date with a fellow mall employee. He says, “You know that outfit you wore the other day? I prefer that. Keep it in mind.”

  For these people, a first date is not an exploratory venture, but an indication of firm commitment for an extended period of weeks, months, or even years. Presenting the relationship as a fait accompli, they combat their colossal insecurity by making hopeful, positive statements like “Well, I think this is going well, don’t you?” before you’ve even sat down. This is probably the polar opposite of “playing it cool”; the delicate dance of courtship is ruined as they effectively push a document across the table toward you for a countersignature. “Your place or mine” is the mildest manifestation of deluded optimism; “I’ll grab a few things and then move the rest of my belongings in a bit later in the week” is among the most extreme.

  @scarletwestend

  His first question: “Would you rather burn to death, drown, or be buried alive?”

  @ninbats

  He told me that when he showered he often fantasized that it was a golden shower, and once considered telling his grandmother.

  @djcollyer

  While waiting for my date I met a different girl at the bar. I bought her a drink. My date arrived. I tried to pretend I wasn’t me.

  @BettyKitten

  In a crowded pub he loudly exclaimed that he was very good at cunnilingus, then showed me topless phone snaps of his sister.

  @Amanda13Jane

  “Lovely evening,” I said, “but I’m not interested.” He grabbed me, stuck his tongue down my throat, and stood back saying “AND NOW?”

  @GerryMcBride

  We discovered we had a mutual acquaintance. I said, “He’s a great guy.” She said “He stabbed my brother.”

  @LouiseVoss1

  He told me how he once did a giant poo over a fence next to the freeway. “No kidding, it was the size of a wine bottle.”

  @fluffysuse

  He professed a love of James Bond, and suggested a reconstruction of the white bikini scene. While demonstrating his JB “sexy face.”

  @sparky000

  After rebuffing his advances, he said: “I would say ‘Get home safe,’ but frankly I don’t give a fuck.”

  #THE TIMID CREATURE

  @leighblue

  I went to install a modem for a woman I met. Wasn’t sure if it was a date or technical support. Got a check, chatted awkwardly on her bed, left.

  The most astonishing thing about these fragile waifs is how they ever mustered up the courage to venture out on a date in the first place. So unsure of themselves that they have trouble uttering their own name, they frequently sit in panic-stricken silence, speaking only to confirm that yes, they are enjoying themselves really. Trembling, sweating, shaking, stuttering, and unexpectedly urinating are classic behaviors, as is an inability to hold your gaze for more than a fraction of a second. Holding hands would cause them to pass out; sexual contact would threaten the operation of their entire central nervous system. They may inspire sympathy, but a relationship built upon sympathy is doomed. It’s not an exam, after all. It’s just a date.

  @The_Moviegoer

  He came to get me in his new Porsche. Before I got in he put a towel on my seat because “girls can sometimes be sweaty down there.”

  @acraigfots

  She opened with “my boyfriend isn’t happy about this.” Then he called her. Twice. Then he turned up and they had a massive fight.

  @Jake_paget