Back to Reality

by Danielle Allen

  “I just…what if…” Emily stammered.

  I nervously pulled at the leg of my romper. The humidity had died down considerably as the storm clouds started rolling in, but it was still a warm afternoon. Taking a deep breath and a sip of liquid courage, I blurted out, “Just say it.”

  Pausing for a minute, the only sound that could be heard were the cars below. Emily cleared her throat gently and then said, “You put it all out there in that letter. I just kind of hoped that the letter would’ve been enough to lift some of the weight off of you. Only because… well… what if he decides he isn’t going to respond. Same goes for Manny when you see him. If you do everything you can do, that should be enough. If you mess up, you take responsibility for it, you apologize, you explain yourself and that’s it. That’s all you can do, Sahara. If they decide to forgive you, that’s on them. You know?”

  I didn’t say anything in response. I took a bite of cake and just let Emily’s words wash over me. Is leaving well enough alone enough for me to release the guilt? I mused as I chewed the soft chocolate. I don’t know. The silence stretched between us because I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to respond.

  Emily sniffled, “I just worry about you. I don’t want something to happen to take you away from me again. This has been the best summer in a long time. I have you. I have Anthony. Life is good.”

  “I’m not disappearing again, Em,” I said softly.

  We sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes. The sound of the TV could be heard on her end. The sound of the city below me traveled up and created a chaotic soundtrack on my end. Breaking the silence, I announced, “I’m looking forward to your opening.”

  “Me too.”

  After the conversation ended and I feverishly cleaned the apartment, I took a long hot bath. Soaking in the water, I took a sleeping pill and I tried to clear my mind of everything. I didn’t want to think about Tyree Barker. I didn’t want to think about the way Tyree Barker closed the door in my face. I didn’t want to think about the way Tyree Barker completely shut me down and dismissed me. I didn’t want to think about Tyree Barker and Ava. I just didn’t want to think about anything that happened over the weekend. For the first time in 48 hours, all I wanted to do was sleep.

  I jerked awake with my heart racing. My face rubbed against the damp pillow as I struggled to sit up. The sleeping pill made me so groggy that my body didn’t seem to recognize that my mind was awake. Lying on my back, I stared at the ceiling with my hand over my heart. I don’t even think it’s possible for my heart to beat any faster than it’s beating now, I thought as the second wave of panic started gearing up. I can’t even remember what the dream was… I can’t even remember falling asleep. Fighting the urge to cry, I willed my body to move.

  I looked at the clock and saw that it was 5:38am. Pushing the comforter down, I focused on my breathing. Quickly halting the looming panic attack, I struggled to shake the sleepiness that settled over my limbs. Going back to sleep is not an option and I’m up way too early for work. But what I could do is go see Dr. Summers since she will be available at 7:30am. After meeting with her, I’ll get breakfast and then head to work, I decided as I rolled out of bed with painstakingly slow movements.

  Surprisingly, in one hour, I was showered, dressed and ready to leave for Dr. Summers’ office. Taking one last look in the mirror, I sighed at my tired appearance. My black pencil skirt and raspberry Red Valentino peplum top toed the line of classically beautiful and trendy. My hair was pulled back in a quick, professional bun. But my eyes were tinged with pink and even with more than eight hours of sleep, I still had bags under my eyes. Taking a few extra minutes to conceal the bags, I felt ready to show my face to the world. I wish life had a concealer you could just slap on and make everything pretty again, I mused as I took one last look at my reflection.

  Calling a taxi to pick me up, I arrived at Dr. Summers’ office building fifteen minutes ahead of schedule. Knocking lightly on the door, a college-aged guy with dirty blonde hair and big brown eyes opened the door. He was tall, lanky and adorably awkward.

  “Good morning! Come on in,” the guy said cheerily as he opened the door.

  “Good morning,” I greeted politely. “I’m here to speak with Dr. Summers. We have a brief thirty minute appointment scheduled.” I will just conveniently omit the fact that it was a phone appointment for the sake of actually being able to see Dr. Summers, I plotted to myself as we walked to the reception area.

  “Okay, well she just arrived so she won’t be available for another 10 minutes. Please sign in here.” He pointed to the clipboard that was on the desk. I signed and then I took a seat.

  Only two minutes passed before I heard her voice. She wasn’t yelling, but she sounded agitated as she said, “Listen, you will need to find another source of material. This is a place of healing and a place of business and I will not have you disrespecting what I do. No, you listen. You are banned from this office. I’ve already spoken to your father. Yes. No. No. Absolutely not. Do not—do not, pursue that! I’m going to tell you one last time… put a stop to this now!”

  Something sounded like it smacked against the desk and I assumed it was her phone because she stopped talking.

  “Aunt Ana? You okay?” the receptionist guy called from behind the desk.

  “Yes Ethan. It’s just that cousin of yours. Please let me know if he shows up here today. I have a full schedule starting with a phone appointment so I won’t be available for the next thirty minutes,” Dr. Summers answered. I heard her footsteps coming closer as she continued, “I’m going to get a breath of fresh air first.”

  “Oh! Um…” Ethan seemed to remember that I was in the waiting room as he frantically jumped up. But it was too late.

  Bursting through the door in a magenta sundress, Dr. Summers stopped in her tracks when she looked at me. “Sahara!”

  “Hi… I’m sorry. I thought since I was awake, we could have our conversation appointment in person. I hope this is okay,” I apologized.

  “No it’s fine. I just need to step outside and send something to my husband regarding my step son and then I will bring you back.”

  I only waited a few minutes before Dr. Summers was back and looked completely worry-free. Maybe I need to take fresh air breaks more often because she left out of here looking tense and came back looking radiant, I marveled silently as I followed her to her office.

  Getting settled in our usual seats, Dr. Summers began, “How are you?”

  Launching into another recap of my weekend in review, I told Dr. Summers everything in record time. I concluded the detailed recap with a summary of my conversation with Emily.

  “Emily is a very good friend. Does she have a counseling background?”

  “Years of therapy, if that counts,” I nodded.

  “It’s true, your alleviation of guilt shouldn’t be predicated on if they say they forgive you. Their forgiveness is their own. And depending on where they are in their cycle of hurt, anger, or forgiveness determines how they will receive your apology. You only have control over yourself and how you are going to move forward. So by confessing your wrongs, apologizing for what has happened, and attempting to make things right between you and the men in your life, you will begin to forgive yourself. And that’s where a lot of this inner turmoil you have is coming from,” Dr. Summers counseled from the edge of her chair.

  Letting her words sink in, I sat motionless and I let my eyes close. The room was quiet and I only just noticed that the usual cinnamon candle scent just gently hung in the air as opposed to its usual overpowering fragrance. “I’m leaving for Thomasville on Friday and I’m scared if Emanuel has the same reaction as Tyree, I’m going to have a breakdown. Those are the only two men I’ve ever loved and knowing that I hurt them is already killing me. But to be rejected by both of them, to have them both not forgive me…” I took a sharp breath and swallowed thickly before I continued, “I don’t know if I can survive that.”

&nbs
p; “Sahara,” Dr. Summers’ voice pulled me out of the dark vortex of guilt my mind from which my mind was starting to succumb. I opened my watery eyes and looked at her. She had a serious but kind expression when she said, “You’ve survived worse.”

  Chapter 9

  Stepping into the stuffy airport, I began to feel the nerves rev back up. After my impromptu Monday morning session with Dr. Summers, the week flew by. I wasn’t having as many panic attacks, but I also wasn’t getting much sleep. I wasn’t nervous to be in Thomasville, but I was nervous to talk to Emanuel at Emily’s opening. I would’ve felt more settled if I could’ve squeezed one more session in with Dr. Summers, but unfortunately, her availability and mine didn’t sync up.

  Running to the restroom, I splashed water on my face. Just remember what Dr. Summers said. I will be okay. I am okay. I will just say my piece and the next step is up to him, I coached myself. Besides, today isn’t even about him. Today is about quality time with my best friend. Concluding my pep talk, I dried my face and stood in front of the hand dryer to dry the water droplets that got on my Marc Jacobs pink and purple belted shirtdress. When my face and dress were dry, I reapplied some lip balm and exited the restroom.

  “Emily!!” I shouted as I saw my best friend pacing near baggage claim. She twisted around quickly and her wavy black hair flipped and cascaded around her shoulders, framing her face. I smiled at her outfit. She wore a powder blue jersey knit baby doll dress with pale pink, powder blue and white sneakers. Emily always managed to look effortless, I thought as we jogged toward each other.

  “Sahara!” Emily screamed as soon as the family of seven finished parading between us with a ridiculous amount of luggage. We hugged each other tightly. “It’s so good to see you!”

  “You too! I’ve missed you!”

  “You look beautiful! Is this silk?” Emily grabbed the belt of the shirtdress and rubbed it between her fingers.

  “It is. And it definitely traveled better than expected. And thank you!” I beamed at her.

  “You look better than expected. When we talked yesterday, you sounded so tired,” Emily said as she linked her arm with mine and we walked to get my luggage.

  “I’m still tired, but I’m just so happy to see you! And by the way, you look so pretty in this outfit.” I bumped her with my hip as we walked.

  Getting my luggage off of the conveyor belt, we quickly rushed from the cramped airport. Seems like everyone is traveling this holiday weekend, I thought as we had to barge our way out of the airport and to the car. I put my luggage in Emily’s trunk. Tossing my royal blue Rebecca Minkoff studded hobo bag in the backseat, I put on my seatbelt and turned to look at Emily.

  “So what are we getting into today?” I asked as Emily pulled from the parking space and away from the airport.

  “Well, funny story…” Emily glanced at me and smiled mischievously. “I want us to go to The Smoke Room tonight!”

  “I’m down! What is it?”

  “It’s a music venue downtown. Tonight they are showcasing a few bands and musical groups.”

  Pulling my sunglasses from my hair and pushing them on my face, I smiled. “I honestly feel like that is exactly what I need. The two of us going out and having fun like we used to. A girls night out goes a long way.”

  “So… there’s one thing about tonight,” Emily admitted slowly.

  “What’s that?”

  “Manny and the guys are performing tonight.” She squinted at me and grimaced in anticipation of my reaction.

  The smile dropped from my face and was replaced with pure, unadulterated fear. She screamed expletives at a car that cut us off and then slammed on breaks. My mouth hung open as she maneuvered through traffic to get to the highway. After honking the horn several times, she finally calmed down. The car was quiet and my mouth was still agape…but not because of the rude, reckless driver. My mouth was agape because I was in shock. I was stunned into a silence at the mention of going to see Manny tonight. I said nothing.

  “Okay, I know what you are probably thinking. But hear me out.” She pulled off the highway and into a busy intersection. “They haven’t played all summer and I don’t want to miss it. You’ve never heard him play before—I mean besides…well you know. So it’ll be cool for us to go and have a night on the town there. And The Smoke Room is probably the place to be this weekend. Besides my opening event, of course,” Emily babbled nervously. She looked over at me again. I still hadn’t said anything, but I had finally closed my mouth. My silence was encouraging Emily to talk.

  “Of course, if you really don’t want to go, we don’t have to go. But I was thinking we could get dressed up in disguises and just go have fun. No one knows you’re in town and they won’t know until tomorrow. So we will just have fun and enjoy the music. Just me and you. Like old times. It’s okay if you don’t want to go too. We can just stay in and rent movies.”

  We stayed in and watched movies the last time I was in town. I don’t want to make my visits all about me and my messed up love life. I want us to have fun. I want us to do the things we used to do. I want us to be able to go out and do the things best friends are supposed to do, I silently deliberated.

  “No one knows we’ll be there?” I questioned tentatively.

  Emily grinned, “No one knows. Promise! Ah! I’m so excited we’re going out together again! It’s been way too long.”

  Her excitement was rubbing off on me and I found myself smiling through my nervousness. “I agree… it’s been way too long. Now about those disguises. Where are we going to go?”

  Thirty minutes later, we were parked in front of a mall in Ericksburg. “There’s a costume shop here that I’ve been in talks to work with for future events at the studio. The owners will be at the opening tomorrow. We can check out their stuff and then walk through the mall and see if anything works with our personas tonight,” Emily said with burgeoning excitement as we got out of the car.

  I scrunched my nose up at the desolate looking shopping center. “It looks like no one ever comes here.”

  “Yeah, ever since they built up the one in Thomasville, most people just go to that one. This place has some unique stores though and the hair surplus store is reason enough to come out this way.”

  She was not lying, I marveled as we walked through the door of the hair store. With aisle after aisle of wigs, hair accessories and hair care products, our shopping cart was riddled with unnecessary merchandise.

  “Emily, I’m putting some of this stuff back because there’s no way I’m going to be able to fit some of this in my luggage… and I definitely can’t put it in my carry-on!” I laughed as I put some of the bigger items back on the shelf.

  “Yeah, you probably don’t need to get the three bottles of shampoo,” she laughed loudly. “And I don’t really need this sit under dryer right now.” She put the huge box back on the shelf.

  “Let’s focus on tonight and next time, we’ll stock up.”

  Nodding, Emily pushed our basket in the direction of the wigs. There were several that caught my eye, but it was difficult finding the right one. Our goal was to look different; however, we didn’t want to call too much attention to ourselves. I settled on a long wavy jet black wig. Emily picked a short blonde bob. We paid for our hair and planned our new looks over fresh baked cinnamon rolls in the food court.

  Three hours later, we pulled up into Emily’s driveway. Grabbing our shopping bags and my luggage, we rushed into the house. Even though I was still a little nervous, I was excited about seeing Emanuel perform. The rest of the afternoon passed quickly as we cooked and talked about Anthony. While Emily was in the shower, I insisted on cleaning the kitchen. It felt good to busy myself with the mindless task of cleaning because as soon as Emily left the room, flashbacks of what happened with Ty replayed in my mind. And then I recreated the moment in my mind, but instead of Ty dismissing me, it was Emanuel. Cleaning and listening to music helped keep me busy and focused.

  After showering and cornr
owing my hair, I stood in my panties and backless bra in front of my outfit for the night. The pieces were splayed out across the bed in the guest bedroom. Emily and I decided on rocker-chic looks because The Smoke Room was such an eclectic mix of people and the rocker look was a departure from our everyday style. Smiling at the outfit, I was quite pleased with what I had put together. This is going to be fun, I laughed to myself.

  It took some work to pull my Robert Rodriguez leather leggings up my thighs and hips. Once I finally got them up, I looked at how they made my butt look. I must find a way to work leather leggings into every outfit I wear from here on out, I thought as I stood in front of the mirror in just leggings. Fortunately, the scant piece of lace that was my G-string could not be detected through the skin tight material. The tight white backless shirt exposed my entire back. The front of the shirt had ‘heartbreaker’ in thick black lettering with a red heart split in two underneath the word. I slid on one of the fingerless black gloves on my right hand. After putting on my diamond studs and several strands of long silver necklaces, I stepped into my black studded Christian Louboutin ankle cuff sandals.

  Finishing my smokey eye makeup, I put on a pair of thick black glasses without prescription lenses. For the final touch I attached the wavy wig on my head. Turning around in a circle, I took in my appearance. Wow, I look totally different. This is hot! I acknowledged in silent approval.

  Picking up my spiked Louboutin clutch, I tossed in a few necessities and walked into the living room to wait for Emily. I’m going to see Emanuel in less than an hour, I thought as I paced the room. Shaking my arms out at my sides and rotating my head in a circle, I tried to calm myself down.