Back to Reality

by Danielle Allen

  His eyes squinted slightly and his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Please Sahara.”

  With all of the strength I had within me, I put my hands up to separate us and I looked away… away from Emanuel and away from Emily and Anthony’s curious eyes. “We are about to go to eat.”

  “Not to eavesdrop or stick my nose where it doesn’t belong but we already know the line is going to be long at the Pancake House so why don’t you two talk for a few minutes? We will get in the car and listen to music. No rush.”

  I whipped my head around and glared at Emily from behind my glasses. She couldn’t see my eyes, but I know she felt the heat because she quickly jumped into the car. Anthony immediately followed her lead. I looked back at Emanuel and my breath faltered.

  “I can’t...” My voice broke as the words burned my throat on the way out.

  “I love you,” Emanuel said, his voice burdened with emotions.

  Slowly, I shook my head no and looked down at his feet. “I love you too.”

  “Look at me beautiful.” His voice was so quiet, I barely heard him.

  I took a shaky breath and I met his eyes again. His face and his eyes displayed so much pain, so much hurt. I wish I could do something, anything to bring back the light in his eyes. Yesterday, his eyes were so full of love and life. And now..., I observed silently, letting my thought trail off. I discreetly wiped the corner of my right eye under the sunglasses. Maybe if he says he’s getting back with her fast, it’ll soften the blow. I was trying to get out of town and avoid this but maybe him saying he is going to resume his relationship with Ashlyn will hurt less in the long run. My stomach dropped at the thought.

  Wiping another tear, I found my voice. “Just say it,” I demanded softly. My breathing quickened because in my heart I knew whatever he said next wasn’t going to be good.

  He paused, seeming to brace himself for what he was about to say. “She said if I am with you, I won’t have any contact with our child.”

  I gasped, “What?”

  Emanuel swallowed hard before adding, “I’m going to fight her on it every step of the way. She will not get away with this. I just—.” He stopped short with his mouth agape. We stared at one another for a second before he squeezed his eyes shut and dropped his head back. His face contorted in pain and an aching growl exploded out of him.

  “You just what?” I whispered.

  “I need time to figure it all out. I just need time.” He ran his hands through his hair roughly.

  He needs time…meaning, he needs time to figure things out with her, I clarified silently. The only thing I could hear was my heart pounding in my chest. He needs time to build his family with…Ashlyn, I thought, just thinking her name left a bad taste on my tongue.

  He looked everywhere, but at me as he continued rambling, “I’m not letting her blackmail me. I’m not going to let her do this to me. To us. I’ll do everything possible to get sole physical custody. I did some research and since she’s the mother, the courts will be more inclined to rule in her favor. But just the fact that she’s blackmailing me has to count for something. If sole custody isn’t possible, we will have to settle for joint custody. But she will not just take my child away from me and she won’t keep you away from me. That’s not happening. It’s not happening Sahara.”

  My chest tightened as I heard the ‘but’ hang silently in the air. He hadn’t said it yet, but I knew it was coming. I couldn’t speak as the tightness in my chest worked its way up to my throat. I struggled to breathe under the weight of what he had yet to say. It felt like everything I’d ever wanted was dependent on what he was going to say next.

  “I want you and I want full custody of my child. And I will fight like hell to get what I want,” Emanuel said forcefully. The passion in his voice let me know that he would fight for what he wanted. But the uncertainty in his eyes let me know that he wasn’t sure if he would actually get what he wanted. “But until I can figure this out, I can’t—I have to...” His voice trembled slightly before he cut himself off and swallowed hard.

  “I get it,” I breathed weepily, rubbing the spot on my chest just above my heart. What else is there to say? He made his choice. And I don’t fault him. I don’t at all. His parents raised him to be a standup guy. He was raised by a great man who was a great father. So I know he’s going to be a great father. But he can’t become that if his child is being kept away from him, I reasoned with myself silently in an effort to stop the shattering of my heart from crippling me.

  “If you’re with me, she’s going to try to keep you away from your child,” I continued before I got choked up again. I exhaled and then bit the tip of my tongue. Once I had calmed down, I continued, “If she’s already blackmailing you, I have no doubt that she’s going to try to keep your child away from you. And she’s trying to use me to do it.” I shook my head. “I can’t let her do that. Not to you or your child.”

  “I’ve always wanted to be a dad… This isn’t the way it was supposed to be,” he grumbled angrily, running his hands through his hair roughly and clenching his jaw. “I’m supposed to be happy. I’m supposed to be celebrating. I’m supposed to be going to appointments and putting cribs together and doing all the shit… God!” he roared in frustration, causing me to jump.

  I wish I knew what to say to console him. I wish I knew what to say to console myself, I thought as I wiped the tears that gathered where my sunglasses met my cheeks. But there’s nothing that can be done. I have to be strong. For both of us.

  “I can’t lose my child Sahara…” His sentence ended abruptly.

  Sadly, I looked at his handsome face and those kissable lips and those steel grey eyes that I get lost in and I let out a shaky breath. “I love you. I’ve loved you my whole life Emanuel.” I had to stop speaking because the tightness in my chest was too much. I reached up and ran my hand through his hair. Even slicked back, it was so soft. My finger trailed the faint scar above his eyebrow before I pulled his face down to mine, kissing him tenderly. “You are an amazing man and you will make an amazing dad.”

  Leaning back, I gazed into his eyes for only a second before he grabbed the back of my neck and pulled my lips back to his. “I love you so much it hurts,” he whispered against my salty lips.

  “It hurts,” I whispered back weakly.

  Up close, I could see the dark circles under Emanuel’s eyes form lack of sleep. “I can’t walk away,” he uttered, gripping my arms. He looked at me pleadingly, begging me to understand.

  I shuddered as my stomach dropped, heavy with the truth. He’s not talking about walking away from me; he’s talking about his child, I realized. “So the only way to ensure that she doesn’t drag you through the courts is for me to walk away,” I murmured weepily.

  Emanuel squeezed his eyes shut as he said, “I told you the other night that I’m not letting you go again. I just…” His breathing was rough and unsteady as he struggled to come up with something to say. I took a step back and his hands dropped from my arms. As soon as his hands were off of me, my skin ached for his touch again.

  “It’s not about what we want anymore. You have a child to think about,” I choked out the words I heard Ashlyn utter the night before.

  Fisting his hair, he looked at me with glassy eyes. The internal conflict was playing out in the expressiveness of his eyes.

  He’s torn, I thought, shifting my weight from one foot to the other. I could make this easier for him. I love him enough to do this for him. I just have to open my mouth and say it. I just have to say it. But how can I get him to understand that I love him… I’m so in love with him… but I know what it’s like to grow up without a parent. I know what it’s like to lose parents. I can’t be the reason his child loses his dad. It’s not the same kind of loss but if Emanuel isn’t in his child’s life because of whatever revenge Ashlyn cooks up to spite him for choosing me, I wouldn’t be able to look at myself in the mirror. I can’t do that to him. I can’t do that to his child. I just can’t,
I thought as I shook my head no more fiercely than before.

  “If the only thing that stands between you being like our dads and you being an absentee dad is me…,” I trailed off, lifting my arms in the air in defeat. I opened my mouth to speak and a sob escaped. Clasping my hand over my mouth, I got myself together. “I won’t make this hard for you. I won’t be the reason things don’t work out for you. Again.”

  Emanuel took a step back, his eyes flashing with hurt and confusion. “Sahara, I don’t know what to do…” Gesturing between us, he continued, “But I’m not ready to let you go. I just.... I love you and I need you.”

  Breathing heavily, I closed my eyes and chewed at my lip. I have to do this. When he’s in court a year from now trying to win custody of his kid, he will grow to resent me. She is the mother of his child so they will always have to deal with each other. But me? I’ll just end up being the reason his kid sees him every other Christmas. He may not be able to see it now. But if I don’t give him the opportunity to fully be in his kid’s life now, she will take his baby from him and he will resent me. He will hate me for being the reason he doesn’t have a relationship with his kid and he’ll hate himself for choosing me, I thought as the bitter taste of guilt and hurt coated my insides.

  I swallowed around the lump in my throat before I responded, “Every time I let myself give in to what I feel for you. Every single time we almost happen, something comes between us. Something prevents it from happening. There’s always something that keeps us apart. So maybe….maybe…” I took a deep breath and licked my lips, tasting the saltiness of my tears. “Maybe it’s not meant to be,” I finished in a hushed whisper.

  “How can you say that?” Emanuel retorted in exasperation.

  My body trembled as the tears streamed down my face. I wanted to look away from him. I wanted to look away from the hurt that was exposed on his face. But I couldn’t.

  “I’m not letting you go.” Emanuel shook his head slowly in disbelief.

  “I’m not giving you a choice,” I replied hoarsely.

  He clenched and unclenched his jaw and his chest rose and fell quickly. “What are you doing Sahara?” he exhaled unevenly.

  We stood silently, staring at one another. The right thing? I don’t know, I thought as I just shook my head. If I can make him understand why I have to do this, maybe he won’t hate me for this. He’s stronger than me. He’s always been stronger than me. I don’t know how to even explain it to him. And whatever I say, he’s going to deny that he’ll resent me…He’ll say he could never resent me. But you can’t ever plan for resentment. And he’s never been a father before so he doesn’t realize what he’s getting into. Yeah, he’ll resent me, I concluded with renewed conviction.

  “I’m telling you I need you. I’m telling you that I love you. I told you… I told you I’d wait for you,” he paused and took a deep breath. “And I’m not ready to lose you.” His tone was pleading and ripped what little bit of restraint I had to shreds. I started to relent and then he said, “I just… I have a kid on the way…”

  My heart broke as the words left his mouth. “That’s exactly why I have to go,” I cried as I continued to shake my head. I put a hand on the door handle and gripped it tightly, maintaining eye contact the entire time.

  He was quiet for a long time before he said, “I love you. I just need to figure out how to get my child.”

  I nodded. The pain in his eyes matched what the sunglasses prevented him from seeing in mine. Swiping at the dampness of my face, I bit the tip of my tongue, but it didn’t work. Overwhelmed and quickly sinking into a panic attack, I pulled the car door open and slid into the backseat. Emily instantly turned the music down and I wished she hadn’t. The silence of the car only intensified the hurt so I put in my earbuds as I watched him saddle up on his motorcycle. He glanced at me with his helmet in his hand and everything stopped. I brought my hand to my chest and as if on cue, ‘Say Something’ started playing.

  After holding my gaze for thirty heart stopping seconds, he looked away and slipped on his helmet. Gunning the engine, he skidded out of Emily’s driveway. And out of my life forever, I thought dramatically as I sobbed into my hands.

  Chapter 18

  Emily Mills: How was therapy?

  Sahara Lee: Everything is not always all my fault.

  Emily Mills: I know…

  Sahara Lee: That’s how the session went. That’s what we did the entire time.

  Emily Mills: Ohhhhhhh. So I presume today was a good session?

  Sahara Lee: It was fine today. Better than last week.

  Emily Mills: Yeah… from the sound of it, last Friday’s session was intense. So glad that today was better.

  Sahara Lee: Yeah, between the sessions and the journal exercises, I’m all cried out.

  Emily Mills: Maybe that’s a good thing.

  Sahara Lee: Yeah. Last week we focused on letting go. Today we focused on moving forward.

  Sahara Lee: I want to be ready to move forward. It’s the letting go that’s hard.

  Emily Mills: Well it hasn’t even been a full two weeks since you left Thomasville. It’s okay to still be sad. You just have to throw yourself into something new. Fake it ‘til you make it. Are you still going to that thing with Ben?

  Sahara Lee: Yeah, I agreed to be his wing woman for tonight. I really haven’t talked to him since I told him not to pick me up from the airport last Monday. We’ve texted a few times, but I haven’t wanted to be around anyone. It’s easier that way.

  Emily Mills: Yeah, but don’t revert back to your old ways and shut everyone out. It’ll be good for you to get out of the house.

  Sahara Lee: That’s what Dr. Summers said.

  Sahara Lee: He called me again. I haven’t checked any of the messages. I’m scared. Have you seen him?

  Sahara Lee: Nevermind don’t answer that. I don’t want to know.

  Emily Mills: You already know what I think.

  Sahara Lee: My intercom is ringing. Ben must be early. Call me later and have fun tonight.

  Emily Mills: Fun in the hospital cafeteria for dinner?

  Sahara Lee: Yes. Fun with the hot doctor you’re engaged to!

  Emily Mills: I’m going to try to talk him into some Seattle Grace kind of fun ;)

  Sahara Lee: LOL! Talk to you tonight.

  Twenty minutes later, Ben and I pulled up to the valet attendant in front of an old building in downtown Philadelphia. The building was completely nondescript and looked like every other building around it. The only difference between the art gallery building and all the others was the massive line that circled it.

  “Wow, that’s a lot of people,” I remarked as Ben took my arm and helped me out of the car. I brushed imaginary wrinkles out of my short Rachel Zoe black and white color-blocked dress and I grabbed my black clutch.

  “Ay! She speaks!” Ben exclaimed sarcastically as he tipped the valet driver. He kissed the top of my head and continued, “I’m glad you’re feeling better.”

  “I just have a lot on my mind,” I countered as I halfheartedly attempted to shrug him off.

  Holding me tighter as we made our way toward the front of the line, he said, “Yeah. You’ve been a recluse since you returned from Thomasville—”

  “I like the way you say Thomasville. You make it sound classier than it is,” I remarked, interrupting his observation.

  “I know what you’re doing and I won’t be deterred. One of these days, you are going to tell me what happened down there.”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Well fine. I don’t want to talk about what happened to me this week either,” Ben quipped.

  I rolled my eyes. “Ben, don’t be an arse.”

  “Your accent is wretched,” he laughed.

  As we bypassed the line, I saw people peering at us curiously. Looking around, I removed myself from Ben’s grasp and slowed down. “What are we doing? The line ends back there.” I cocked my head toward the tail of the line.
>
  “Which is why we are headed this way,” Ben said smoothly as he put his hand on the small of my back and gently pushed me forward.

  “Ben! What’s going on, man? “ the bulky security guard asked as we approached.

  “Just coming to check out this show,” Ben replied as the two men shook hands. “It’s good to see you. How have you been?”

  “Good, good. Can’t complain,” the security guard eyes slowly roamed over my exposed flesh. “You look like you’re doing well,” he continued, nodding in my direction.

  “Hi, how are you?” I said politely, plastering a cheerful smile on my face. Fake it ‘til you make it, I thought determinedly.

  “Grant, this is Sahara. Sahara, Grant.”

  “The pleasure is all mine Sahara,” Grant flirted, making his voice drop an octave as he shook my hand.

  I cut my eyes at Ben and then removed my hand from Grant’s grasp. I gave him a tight smile in response and folded my arms.

  Ben barely stifled a laugh before he quickly interjected, “Chill Grant. When are they opening the doors to this thing?”

  Grant walked toward the door and spoke into an earpiece. Seconds later, he walked back toward us and told us to have a good time. Opening the door for us, I heard the group of people at the front of the line grumble over the music. I quickly walked through the door first when Grant called out to Ben.

  “Oh Ben! I saw your parents during lunch today. They said they might come out tonight.”

  I looked back in time to see how unsettled Ben seemed by the news. His usually relaxed demeanor seemed instantly tense. His easy smile dropped from his face. He immediately looked at me and then his expression changed. The smile was back but it didn’t reach his eyes. I drew my eyebrows together questioningly.

  Slipping the dapper smile on his face, he winked just as a wave of people started filing in through the front door. “Let’s go,” Ben said as he put his hands on my shoulder and guided me to the bar in the middle of the huge event space. I watched him drown two glasses of something strong and brown, before he spoke again.