Back to Reality

by Danielle Allen

  I let out a strangled breath as I listened to Dr. Summers. It felt as if she had punched me in the gut. I closed my eyes and gripped the armrests of the chair. That’s not true… that’s not true. Is it? I thought as the bubble of denial burst. I focused my breathing and replayed her words in my head. The silence in the room reached a deafening level. I opened my eyes and stared at the flickering candle. I found it increasingly difficult to meet Dr. Summers’ eyes. I could feel her analyzing me. When I gathered my courage to look at her, I was met with Dr. Summers’ kind face. Her eyes were knowing and thoughtful and I was suddenly flooded with the truth. She’s right, I admitted silently as I wiped my face with the balled up tissue in my hand.

  “Sahara… if you were to choose between the two, who would you choose?”

  “I—I don’t know,” I stammered and I dropped my eyes. “I can’t.”

  “Your indecision in your relationships speaks to a deeper, more profound conflict you are struggling with: what you want vs. what you deserve. You need to spend time figuring out what it is you want. Not just in relationships but what do you want out of your life. I want you to journal this week about what it is you want. I don’t want you to focus on what you think you deserve. Specifically write about what it is that you want.”

  How did I become this person? How did it get so bad? God…what is wrong with me? I thought as I nodded to acknowledge her assignment.

  “The crux of your anxiety is your feelings of guilt. Every time something has happened to someone you love, you assign blame to yourself and you punish yourself for it. You are singularly focused on punishing yourself which is why I want you to continue to remind yourself that everything is not always all your fault.”

  I nodded again, unable to speak. My mouth was suddenly dry. Although I didn’t feel warm, I could feel a thin layer of perspiration coat my body as my pink Alice + Olivia silk top clung to me.

  “Are you breathing Sahara? You need to breathe,” Dr. Summers calm voice forced the shallow breaths of air in and out of my lungs. My watery eyes met hers and she gave me a warm smile. “That’s good. We can end the session here. You know what you need to work on with your journal and I will see you next Friday.”

  Dr. Summers stood in her navy blue polka dotted dress and I followed her lead, not truly connecting with what I was doing. My mind replayed her words over and over as I followed her floating figure through her office to the front door of the building. She turned to me. Putting her hand on my shoulder, Dr. Summers looked as if she were about to impart some wise words on me.

  Before she could speak, I squared my shoulders and interrupted, “I’m choosing Ty.”

  Dr. Summers pressed her thin lips together and patted my shoulder. “Please bring your journal next week.”

  After saying goodbye and hailing a taxi, the cloudy haze of truth cloaked me until I reached the solace of my apartment. I peeled off my work clothes and headed to the shower. The hot water massaged my body and masked my tears. Talking to Ty in person will be better than it was this week, I promised myself as I thought about the two awkward conversations we’d had. It wasn’t argumentative, but it wasn’t anything like our conversations from before. He isn’t as open as he was. He never once told me what his injuries were. Every time I tried to ask about the accident, he would change the subject or cut me off. He’s guarded. And I know guarded when I hear it. I’ve perfected guarded. But I don’t want Ty to be that way with me. I don’t want Ty to be anything other than who he is. It kills me to think that what I did changed him.

  Getting out of the shower, I wrapped myself in a terrycloth towel and strode purposely to my bedroom. Glancing at the clock, I knew I didn’t have a lot of time. Quickly moisturizing my body and hair, I styled my hair in a curly up-do. With shaky hands, I applied my make-up.

  I don’t plan on sleeping with him, I told myself as I slipped into a brand new black lace G-string and a matching braless, backless bra. But I want to look good for him.

  After slithering into the black Alice + Olivia silk dress, my heart started racing from the nerves. Turning around in front of the mirror, I examined the leather T-strap exposing the smooth skin of my back. Ty always liked it when my back was out, I thought with a nervous smile. Stepping into the black and gold Tom Ford ankle padlock pumps, I grabbed my gold clutch and exited the apartment.

  The ten minute taxi ride to the address Ty texted me was excruciating. I didn’t have time to search the address when I received it on the way to therapy. And after therapy, I was in a daze. So as we pulled up to the trendy restaurant, my mouth dropped open. Pandora’s Box. Really?! I thought as I fiddled with my clutch to pay the driver. Am I reading too much into this? I mean, Ty is Harvard educated. I know he knows the legacy of Pandora and her box. I know he knows the meaning behind the phrase regarding opening Pandora’s box. Is this his subtle way of telling me he’s done with me? Is he even going to show up? Is he—.

  “Ma’am?” the taxi driver was staring at me quizzically. “Are you okay?”

  Breathing rapidly, I placed my hand over my heart and held up a finger to indicate I needed one more moment. When I was able to get my breathing under control, I threw a forced smile over my shoulder and stepped onto the sidewalk. The loud buzz of the city soothed me: people laughing and talking, car horns blaring, tires squealing. Standing on the sidewalk, I took a few calming breaths before tentatively taking steps toward the front door. Brushing past groups of people waiting outside of the restaurant, I entered Pandora’s Box.

  The narrow hallway was painted a deep red with two door openings at the end of the hall. The lighting created an effervescent glow. My heels clicked on the black tiled floor and when I reached the end of the hall, I didn’t know whether to go left or right. Through the right door was a packed bar area and through the left door was the elegant restaurant. Music pumped through both areas and meshed together beautifully.

  “Welcome to Pandora’s Box. How can I serve you?” a woman with large catlike green eyes and thick red hair said in a demure voice.

  Swiftly shifting my gaze across the crowded room, I didn’t see Ty. “Um I—there should be a reservation under Barker,” I stammered nervously. My thoughts started racing, what if he doesn’t show? What if he never intended to show up?

  “Barker. Yes. Right this way ma’am.” Breathing a sigh of relief, I followed behind the redhead. Tucked deep in the back of the room were a row of three curtained off areas. Each red organza curtain functioned to box in a table and two chairs. Two of the three private areas were available and roped open to showcase the chandeliers that were suspended from the ceiling. Stopping in front to the only closed area, the hostess looked back at me and smiled. “Your dinner companion is right inside.”

  Pulling the curtain back, the hostess stepped back to allow me to enter the room. Stepping past her into the decently sized space, Ty was seated at the table with a drink in one hand and his cell phone in the other. When he looked up at me, I stopped in my tracks. I felt the organza curtain brush against my bare back as the hostess released it, giving us our privacy.

  Putting down his phone and his drink, Ty stood. Wearing a white button up shirt with the sleeves rolled up to the elbows and charcoal grey slacks, Ty looked ready for a business meeting or a photo shoot. My eyes traced his body, committing it to memory in case the dinner at Pandora’s Box was a goodbye dinner. When my eyes met his again, my lips parted but no sound came out. Just looking at him rendered me speechless.

  “Hey,” he addressed me, his voice composed yet soft.

  “Hi,” I whispered barely over the music floating in through the speakers. My voice sounded foreign to me and I opened my mouth to say it again, louder. But no words came out.

  He was the first to move. He walked around the table and pulled out my chair. Clearing his throat, he said, “Here, please. Have a seat.”

  “Thank you,” I responded, finding my voice as I sat down. As he scooted my chair under the table, his fingertips grazed my back on e
ither side of the leather strap. A mix of nerves and butterflies made my stomach and everything else clench tightly. Oh, I thought as the heat from the brief touch seeped into my skin and I exhaled breathily. When Ty took his seat, he picked up his drink and sipped it without saying a word.

  I let myself fall victim to his chocolate brown eyes. What is he thinking? And why is it suddenly so hot in here? I thought as my temperature rose in his presence.

  The curtains shifted and we broke eye contact in time to see our waiter, a tall, lanky blonde man with his hair back in a ponytail walk into the space. The smile on his face was infectious as he handed us our menus. “Good evening and welcome to Pandora’s Box, Ms. Lee. My name is Simon and I will be serving you today. Mr. Barker took the liberty of ordering this bottle of La Mission Haut-Brion Blanc.”

  I smiled back at Simon and listened. I let my eyes shift from Simon to Ty and was completely disarmed when I found Ty staring at me. He sat back in his chair with his glass in his hand. He wasn’t drinking from it, but the tumbler kissed his lips as he watched me. I tried to look away but I was unable to tear my eyes away from the beautiful man who sat across the table from me.

  Pouring the white wine into two wine glasses, he continued, “This is a blend of 79% Semillon and 21% Sauvignon Blanc revealing lovely lemon blossom, orange marmalade, candle wax, honeysuckle and hints of smoky oak. It has a full-bodied flavor and it is a sensational dry white. This is truly an exquisite wine.” Simon informed us before putting the bottle of wine in the sleeve on the table. “I’ll give you two a minute to look over the menus and I’ll be back shortly.”

  After the curtain closed behind Simon, the nerves that were keeping my belly aflutter intensified. I gripped the menu nervously and when I gathered my courage to speak, he beat me to it.

  “You look beautiful Sahara,” Ty broke the silence, his voice making my heart speed up.

  “Thank you. You look…amazing. As always,” I returned breathily as I struggled to find words to describe how good he looks.

  He licked his lips before a sexy little smile played on his lips. “Do you know what you want?”

  “The pepper and parmesan pasta looks good,” I nodded as I looked between the pasta and the steak options on the expansive menu. “Do you know what you want?”

  “Yes.” There was a beat of silence that caused me to look up from the menu at him. Once our eyes met, he continued, “I’m getting the filet mignon.”

  Polite conversation about the weather and the day’s activities ensued until Simon came back and we placed our orders. After taking away the dinner menu and leaving the dessert menu, he scurried off, leaving us alone again. The curtain hadn’t stopped swaying from Simon’s departure before I jumped on the opportunity to bring the old Ty back around. The Ty that wasn’t wounded by my actions, I thought as I gathered my courage by swallowing a gulp of wine.

  “Thank you for tonight. I know you have that late meeting at Jimmy’s so I appreciate you taking the time to stop here on your way back to Richland. I’m really glad that you did. I’ve wanted to have a real conversation with you in person,” I started shyly.

  “I’ve wanted to converse with you in person as well,” he responded slowly. He looked at me thoughtfully and my heart stopped.

  Oh God…is that good or bad? I thought nervously. He’s apologized. I’ve apologized. We’ve talked and talked about what happened before. Now all that’s left to talk about is what we want for the future. And if his voice is an indicator, he sounds like he has something on his mind. He’s so closed off, I can’t read him anymore. I can’t sit through an entire dinner like this. I’m jumpy. I’m incredibly nervous. My stomach is in knots. I need to know. I need to know now.

  “This feels so different,” I acknowledged warily. “I didn’t expect it to feel like this.”

  “What did you expect Sahara? Things are different,” Ty explained matter-of-factly. His head tilted slightly as he regarded me with an unreadable expression.

  “I just…I don’t know.” I shook my head and folded my hands in my lap. Looking at my tightly clasped hands, I said, “I’ve apologized for leaving and the whole situation with Emanuel.”

  “And I’ve apologized for not trying harder to tell you about my involvement with Chris Cole and his parole hearing in Thomasville.”

  We were both quiet for a minute before I looked up. Blinking rapidly I said, “I don’t know where we go from here.”

  Rubbing his hand down his gorgeous face, Ty started, “I—”

  “Before you say anything, can I please tell you something?” I pleaded with him as I leaned forward in my chair.

  Once he nodded, I continued, “You truly changed my life. You changed me. You changed me for the better. You made me stronger. You made me open up. You made me happy. And I hate that decisions that I made hurt you. You didn’t deserve what I did to you. You didn’t deserve it, Ty. And truth be told, I don’t deserve you.”

  My eyes welled with tears, but I refused to let them fall. The last thing I wanted was to become a blubbering mess before the meal was even served. Admitting my feelings and staring into his eyes was proving to be too intense. I pulled my eyes away from him and blinked back the tears. The truth in my statement weighed heavily on me and I had to close my eyes to collect myself. Taking a deep breath, I continued, “But I want to deserve you. I want you to look at me like you used to. I want you to talk to me like you used to. I want you to trust me again. I want what we had in New York. I miss you. I miss us. And I’ll do whatever it takes to get us back there.”

  When I concluded my chest was rising and falling quickly as I put it all out on the table for him. The ball is in his court, I though as I looked at him through my lashes.

  Ty leaned forward in his chair and rested his elbows on the table. “I’ve gone back and forth with this since I read your letter last Friday.”

  And…? I thought in anxious exasperation as he reached for his wine glass. You’ve gone back and forth and now what? Please put me out of my misery. My shallow breaths came out in ragged puffs as I watched him take a sip of his wine. Focusing on his fingers on the stem of the glass, I went through my breathing exercises and quieted down my breathing. Although it was still unsteady, it wasn’t as loud.

  “When I got out of surgery and Bennett told me you were there…with him, that was rough. I blamed myself. I thought it was payback for not being honest with you about the parole hearing. But then when I got out of the hospital and got your goodbye note. I thought you were with him and just the idea of you with another man killed me. I knew I was wrong for what I did, but I didn’t deserve that. The whole thing didn’t sit well with me.” The distinct pauses breaking up his sentences were filled with gut wrenching emotion. It ripped me open and the first tear trickled down my cheek. Dabbing at the corners of my eyes, I looked down in my lap.

  “Look at me,” he commanded. My eyes met his immediately.

  “I spent a week in the hospital and a week on bed rest. I returned to Boston because Bennett’s mom refused to leave me in Thomasville with no one to take care of me. And it was in that conversation, in that moment, that I wanted to hate you. I’m not going to lie, I wanted to forget I ever met you. I wanted to be done with you. Once I was able to go back to work, I just stayed in Boston. I threw myself into the restaurants and made them my priority again.”

  “And how are you two?” Simon asked as he appeared through the opening of the curtain, interrupting the conversation.

  “Good, thank you,” Ty responded with a nod in Simon’s direction. I just sat there, my eyes never leaving Ty’s face.

  “Good. I brought you another refill of water. Your food will be ready shortly,” Simon stated as he filled Ty’s tumbler and then quickly exited the area.

  I watched as Ty put the tumbler to his lips. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. I swallowed thickly and waited.

  “Work used to be enough. Work used to be all that I needed. And then you showed up. Just like my grandfather sa
id would happened. And no matter how many times I tried to tell myself that work was enough this time around. It wasn’t,” Ty said, picking up where he left off. He put his glass down on the table and pushed his shirt sleeves up on his muscular arms. My heart rate increased as he leaned on the table bringing him a little closer to me.

  I was scared to speak. I was scared to breathe. I was scared to hope. I sat silently, hanging on to his every word.

  “I can’t shake you. Believe me, I’ve tried.” He shook his head and stared at the glass in front of him. Without meeting my eyes, he continued, “But there’s something about you. Something that I never thought I’d find.” Drowning the last of his wine, his eyes found mine when he concluded, “And I’m not ready to let that feeling go.”

  Releasing a rush of air from my lungs from a breath I didn’t realize I was holding, I gaped at him. “Does that mean…?”

  “Regardless of all the bullshit we’ve gone through, I care too much for you to just throw this away.”

  I gasped and placed my hand over my heart. “God, Ty,” I whispered as I felt my heart pounding in my chest. I wiped the corners of my eyes and sighed weepily, “That makes me happy. I know we have things to work through… but…just having you back in my life…I just… I’ve missed you. And I’m so glad you’re here.”

  A smile played on his lips as he gazed at me. “I’ve missed you, too. And I’m also glad I’m here.”

  “I know we can’t forget the past, but I would love to just start anew. Is that possible?” I asked almost wistfully.

  “No,” Ty said simply. “But we can forgive each other and that’s a start. That’s all we can do right now.” Ty’s serious expression was etched in pain.

  “I forgive you for your lie of omission. I know you tried to tell me,” I insisted.

  “And I forgive you for running away. I can imagine how difficult it must have been for you to know that I was in an accident.”

  We looked at each other and a sense of calm passed over me. Forgiveness, I thought in relief. Ty reached across the table and I instantly put my hand in his. As the first deliberate contact we’d had all night, butterflies fluttered through my belly. The pad of his thumb stroked my knuckles and I had to physically contain the smile that threatened to erupt on my face.