Back to Reality

by Danielle Allen

  “It means that I’m going to end up alone,” I sniffled, pushing myself off of her lap and wiping my face dry with the bottom of my T-shirt. I looked at her and shook my head slightly. “And it makes sense. Every man that’s ever meant anything to me, I’ve done nothing but hurt them. I’ve lied to them. I’ve hidden things from them. I’ve abandoned them. When they’ve needed me, I made sure they wouldn’t be able to find me. I knew it would hurt them, but I thought it would hurt less for me to leave than for the universe to do whatever it was going to do to them. I mean seriously, look at everything that happened to them because of me? Being with me only brought them heartache and pain.”

  “Okay…” Emily said slowly. “How much of that could’ve been avoided?”

  Swiping at my eyes again, I furrowed my brows in confusion. “What do you mean?”

  Giving me a patient nod, Emily clarified, “How much of that heartache and pain you caused could’ve been avoided?”

  “I don’t…” I started to respond and then trailed off. I don’t know, I realized. I really don’t know.

  “No, I want you to really think about it.”

  After a moment of silence, I said, “I don’t know. I think some of the more specific things could’ve been avoided; but overall, I think I still would’ve hurt them.”

  “Anyone could say that! Everyone has a past. Everyone has had their heart broken. Everyone has broken a heart. That’s life. You are so busy overcompensating for things you don’t even know will happen, you’re sabotaging yourself!” Emily threw her hands up in frustration.

  The truth of her statement stunned me into silence. Self-sabotage, I thought as I let the word roll around on my tongue. I took a deep breath. And then another. What is wrong with me that I keep doing this to myself?

  “I’m sorry I woke you up Em,” I apologized. “And I promise I’ll get myself together and I’ll be fine for the dinner tonight. Is there anything you need me to do?”

  “All I need you to do is let go and give yourself permission to live your life.” She stood up, still looking at me. “And to let me borrow that clutch you had last night.”

  I smiled at the unexpected request. I love that girl, I thought as I sunk back down under the sheets. She always knows just what to say. “Of course. Are you wearing it tonight?”

  “Hmmm… I should probably finalize what I’m wearing tonight huh?” Emily walked to the door, backwards. Still holding eye contact, she tilted her head to the side. “Will you be okay tonight…and tomorrow?”

  “I’m celebrating my best friend’s wedding day. I’m going to be fine!” It’s when I’m alone with my thoughts that it becomes a problem, I acknowledged silently.

  “I’m going to try to catch a few more hours of sleep. Wake me up if I’m not up by 9am!”

  “Okay, you officially have two and a half hours of beauty sleep before your wake up call.”

  “Thanks Sahara,” she said before she closed the door. Cracking it back open, she added, “I love you.”

  “I love you too Emily. Thanks for everything.”

  As soon as Emily closed the door, I pulled the pages from my journal and started writing again. Writing two letters at a time, I went back and forth between pages. I’m sorry I hurt you... I feel responsible for you being hurt in that accident and I’m sorry… You don’t understand how much you’ve changed my life… You’re an amazing man… You are perfect for me... From the bottom of my heart, I’m sorry… If I could rewrite history, I would make different choices… What I’m trying to do is mend the damage that I have done by giving you my truth… I slept with him not long after we fell apart… I’m not proud of it, but you needed to know… I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me… I can promise you that I won’t ever recklessly misplace your love and affection again… It was wrong, selfish and cowardly… I should’ve told you this from the beginning… Words will never suffice but I needed to confess… Because you are perfect for me… Because you are the love of my life… You are it for me… You brought me back to life… You make me happy… You make life worthwhile… I wanted this to work… I needed this to work… Please meet me… Please respond… I noticed how eerily similar the letters were as I glanced back and forth before diving into writing again.

  It was such a cathartic experience to just pour my entire soul, my entire lot of pain into my words without holding back. Even when I found myself getting teary, I wrote through the tears. When I found myself getting emotional, I wrote through the pain. I wrote my truth and it hurt. The truth hurts, I thought as I ripped the pages out of the journal. When I looked at the time, I decided to write one more letter. It was short, but just as heartbreaking. When I was done, I swung my legs off of the bed and slipped on my slippers to go wake Emily up.

  After a day full of shopping, packing, and loudly singing, the early morning nightmare was no longer at the forefront of my mind. Instead, it creepily sat at the edge of my consciousness, teetering. It hung in the balance without any threat of tipping until we walked into The Smoke Room on Monday evening and I saw Emanuel again.

  Dressed in jeans, his signature black boots, and a fitted black T-shirt, Emanuel epitomized cool and oozed sexiness. He stood in a relaxed pose next to a couple of guys I’d never seen before. Just as I walked further into the room, he looked up and our eyes locked, stopping me in my tracks. The abrupt stop caused Janet to run into the back of me. I felt myself falling forward before I had a chance to react. Fortunately, Patti was next to me and quickly grabbed my arm, steadying me.

  “Thank you,” I mumbled, embarrassed, looking at her surprised face.

  “Don’t mention it. You spent all Saturday in those six inch heels, so I know flat boots aren’t giving you trouble,” Patti joked quietly before patting me on the shoulder and walking off.

  When I looked around, Emanuel was gone. Gathering my thoughts, I walked to the nearest bathroom. Taking off my coat, I adjusted my grey long sleeved charmeuse dress with the three inch leather belt. Turning around in the mirror, I pulled up my knee high Manolo Blahnik flat, black boots and then took a step back. At least I don’t look like the broken, emotional mess that I was this morning, I thought as I looked at myself in the mirror. Taking a deep breath, I walked out of the restroom.

  I noticed everyone gathered in a group, so I hung up my coat and slowly made my way toward them. The wedding planner was introducing herself to the group as I walked up.

  “You must be Sahara! I’m Jillian,” the woman with sharp features said.

  “Hi,” I said awkwardly, looking around until I located Emily. Emily was standing next to her father. Mr. Mills was standing next to Emanuel. Keeping that order in mind, I chose not to look past Emily for the next five minutes while Jillian gave a brief overview of where everything will be happening.

  When the group moved, we headed up to the roof. Once the double doors to the roof opened, everyone was taken aback by the sheer beauty of it. A large white heated tent with thirty rows of five chairs was already set up. White pillars with glass vases were positioned down the aisle and a white runner ran down the center. Two men were carefully stringing lights that were illuminating the space. Absolutely gorgeous, I thought as I soaked it all in.

  I looked at Emily and she was beaming. “This is perfect!” she squealed as she hopped excitedly.

  The entire rehearsal took about an hour. We walked through everything twice and Mr. and Mrs. Mills asked a lot of questions. They seemed just as excited as Emily, which made me happy. When everyone knew exactly what to do and where to stand, we went back into the building for the rehearsal dinner. After I went to wash my hands, I went to check my phone and saw that I received a text message.

  Tyree Barker: Give me a call. I want to talk to you about tomorrow.

  I read the text message three times before I fully grasped what it was asking. Something isn’t right, I thought as I put my phone back in my coat pocket. I stood in front of my coat for a minute before digging in the pocket again for my
phone.

  Sahara Lee: I’m at the rehearsal dinner. What’s going on?

  Tyree Barker: Call me when you leave. Have fun baby girl.

  Sahara Lee: Ok…?

  I held the phone in my hand for a minute waiting for his response. When the minute hand turned, I locked my phone and put it back into my pocket.

  Turning around, I saw that almost everyone had taken their seats. Everyone except me, Cassandra, and Emanuel, I thought as I scanned the table. There were two seats together and an individual seat between a groomsman I didn’t know and Brenda, who I didn’t care for. Sucking it up, I decided that sitting between Brenda and the guy would be a lot better than getting the cold shoulder from Emanuel. I knew how much he loved his sister; he wouldn’t be outwardly rude to me. He would just ignore me and shut me out completely. And I guess that would serve me right since that’s what I did to him, I thought unexpectedly.

  Cassandra was walking toward the table and she seemed to notice the available seating options as well. Looking over her shoulder to Emanuel who was only a few steps behind her, she said something I didn’t catch. The way she threw her hair over her shoulder automatically made her actions seem flirtatious. I don’t know why I cared or was interested, but I slowed to a stop to watch what Emanuel would do next. He gave her a tight smile and then his eyes surveyed the table. I didn’t think he was looking for me until he did it again and then looked up in the coat room direction. We locked eyes again and this time, I was able to move.

  “Cassie come sit beside me so the love birds can sit together,” Janet announced loudly, jarring me from my thoughts.

  “Okay,” Cassandra huffed overdramatically.

  Some of the people at the table giggled at Janet’s brashness. The Mills family and Anthony looked uncomfortable. Emanuel tore his eyes away from me and sat down in the first available seat and started drinking the water on the table. When I sat down next to Emanuel, he tensed. His entire body radiated heat and I could almost feel it billowing off of him.

  We didn’t say anything to each other the entire time we ate. I whispered ‘I’m sorry’ to him once and he gave me a look that shut me up. It was a mixture of hurt, anger, and boredom. And I couldn’t bring myself to say anything else to him over the course of the meal.

  After the rehearsal dinner, I cornered Emanuel by himself in the coat room. “Can we talk please?”

  “There’s nothing to talk about anymore Sahara.” He zipped up his leather jacket and pulled a pair of riding gloves from his pocket. I watched him put those on and then grab his helmet. “Will you get out of my way please?”

  “No. I feel like this will be one of the last times I’ll be able to get you alone to speak to you. Please hear me out.”

  Emanuel didn’t even acknowledge what I said. He easily picked me up and moved me out of his way. I didn’t fight him for two reasons. His touch was a shock to the system and it took me a minute to register what had happened. Also, I didn’t want to cause a scene at Emily’s event.

  “Emanuel please!” I called behind him as loud as I could without drawing attention to us. But he just kept walking.

  Trying to keep myself from crying, I decided I needed some fresh air. I put on my coat and then pulled my phone and earbuds out of my coat pocket. As soon as my feet hit the sidewalk out front, I hit play. ‘Doing It Wrong’ played symbolically and I let my head fall back. My eyes closed and I inhaled deeply. The words hurt as I felt like it was a sign. This feels like the truth. This feels like his truth. This feels like their truth, I thought as I fought the urge to break down and cry over both Ty and Emanuel. When it was over and the next song started, I repeated to myself, Tonight is not about you. Tonight is not about you, until the tears receded.

  Hearing a horn beep, I opened my eyes and looked. Isabella and two of the groomsmen were in a small SUV. “You okay?” Isabella asked from the passenger side after I pulled the earbuds from my ears.

  Quickly plastering a smile on my face, I answered, “Yeah, I’m good. Just getting some fresh air. See you tomorrow!”

  “See you tomorrow!” The other two guys waved and then they sped off.

  Walking back into the building, I saw Emily, Anthony, and both of their parents in a heated discussion with Jillian. As I got closer, I heard Emily’s tired voice emanate through the almost empty venue. “Listen, I’m just ready to go home so I can get up, get ready, and marry Anthony. All this other stuff is complete bullshit. Pardon my language, Mr. and Mrs. Diaz,” she concluded demurely.

  I used my hand to smother a laugh at Emily’s ability to be both crass and courteous in the same sentence. Hearing the noise, all eyes immediately fell on me. Emily winked as she knew what I was laughing at.

  “I’m ready to go. Are you?” Emily called out.

  “Whatever the bride says goes right?” I lightheartedly responded.

  “Right!” Emily laughed, hugging all the parents before pulling Anthony away for a private moment.

  “She’s stressed. Keep her head together Sahara. You were always so good at that,” Mr. Mills said as he hugged me.

  “See you tomorrow for our hair appointment, Sahara,” Mrs. Mills said as she embraced me. “So good to have you home sweetie.”

  “It’s good to be here,” I responded before turning to give quick, obligatory hugs to Mr. and Mrs. Diaz.

  Once we said our goodbyes, Emily and I got in her car and she went on a rant about how no one was in agreement of her idea to take all photos before the wedding when makeup was fresh and it didn’t impede the flow from ceremony to reception. By the time we pulled up in her driveway, I had talked her down and we agreed to take all photos except for the ones with her and Anthony prior to the wedding. After the resolution was reached, Emily seemed to immediately lose energy. She was fast asleep within fifteen minutes of returning to the house.

  I took the silence in the house as an opportunity to call and hash things out with Ty. He didn’t pick up when I called so I left a message. Reading over everything I had written since I got on the plane days earlier, I compiled three short stacks of paper. Finding three envelopes in the kitchen, I stuffed the pages in the letter sized envelopes. Writing their names on each, I placed them on the nightstand.

  After I put on my goodnight playlist, I felt my body start to give into the lack of sleep from the night before. As I was drifting asleep, I received a text message that I didn’t respond to.

  Tyree Barker: I’ll be leaving here within the next hour or so. Times like these, I wish you’d just move here already so I could come home to you. Like before. I’ll call you when I leave.

  Chapter 31

  The backstage of The Smoke Room had been transformed into a bridal suite. Makeup, hair products, and clothes were strewn everywhere. A wall made completely of mirrors catered to the vanity of the performers who frequented The Smoke Room and aided in the preparation of Emily’s big day.

  My dress was a form fitting tuxedo dress—black bustier top and fitted white skirt. The bridesmaids wore all white versions of my dress and the hostesses wore grey versions. We all had the same black Christian Louboutin pump to pull our outfits together. Emily wanted everyone to wear their hair up so everyone had some version of an up do. My hair was twisted into a mass of pretty curls with silver hair combs to give it sparkle. We all looked beautiful and chic.

  But Emily was truly stunning. When she slipped into the black Vera Wang wedding gown, she looked better than the model who wore it before her.

  “Anthony is going to flip his shit when he sees you,” Isabella said as soon as she laid eyes on her.

  We all agreed and after a few shed tears, we all redid our makeup and waited for our cue. The hostesses left first to help get everyone seated. Then Jillian poked her head into the room to let us know that it was almost our turn.

  “You ready?” I asked excitedly.

  “I am,” she replied calmly.

  She didn’t seem nervous at all. She seems so sure, I noted silently as my eyes watered.
<
br />   “I am so happy for you Em. You—”

  Emily interrupted, “Stop! You will not cry and mess up your fabulous makeup. And you will not make me cry to mess up mine!”

  Laughing, I dabbed the corners of my eyes. “You’re right. I’ll save it for the toast. But I will say you look absolutely beautiful.”

  “Thank you, so do you! You’re going to have men falling at your feet all night!”

  I raised my eyebrows offhandedly and shifted my gaze away from her face.

  Seeing the change, Emily asked, “He still hasn’t arrived yet?”

  “I don’t know. I haven’t checked my phone since we got here. I spent the whole time under the dryer at the salon trying to get in touch with him. The last message I got from him was this morning saying he would definitely see me at the wedding. But anyway, that’s neither here nor there. If I need someone to dance with, there are plenty of handsome strangers who could dance with the maid of honor. I’m kind of a big deal at this thing.”

  Emily laughed loudly, throwing her head back. “I agree wholeheartedly,” she agreed jokingly. “It totally goes bride, groom, maid of honor, best man, and then the others.”

  “Alright ladies, line up! It’s go time!” Jillian announced from the door. Getting in line, one by one, we each left the backstage bridal area. Before I left, I gave Emily another hug and whispered, “Let me be the first to say congratulations, Mrs. Diaz!”

  Mr. Mills came into the room as I was going out. The look on his face when he saw his only daughter in her wedding dress was priceless. Jillian and I looked at each other and smiled. As quickly as the smile crossed her lips, she scowled and pointed for me to walk down the aisle next.

  The door opened and it was my turn to walk. Holding a bouquet of black and white flowers, I carefully made my way down the aisle. The happiness I felt for Emily and Anthony gripped me and floated me down the aisle. I tried to focus on the minister who stood right behind Anthony. I tried to focus on the candles that were burning brightly from the unity candle. I tried to focus on anything but the man two men over from the groom. I tried not to look, but it was like a gravitational pull.