Back to Reality

by Danielle Allen

  Emily glanced back at Emanuel and then at me. “Are you going to read it now?”

  “I don’t know,” I answered anxiously. “I want to, but I’m a little nervous about what it might say.”

  “I think you should read it before we get to the airport so you can tell me what it says!”

  Emily always knows what to say and what to do to break up a serious moment, I thought with a laugh.

  Emily smiled and hugged me tightly. “I’m glad you came here this morning. It was time.”

  “I shouldn’t have gone this long,” I admitted with a shake of the head, squeezing her.

  Ending the hug, she grabbed my shoulders and said, “All that matters is that you’re here now.”

  As she walked to her car, I opened the envelope and pulled out a single sheet of paper. Taking a deep breath, I prepared myself for the worst.

  Sahara,

  From the moment I heard you singing in the gym, I felt a connection to you. When I read your letter last night, I’d never felt so disconnected to anyone as I did reading that. I got your calls and your text messages and I wanted to respond and be the bigger person… say everything would be okay. I wanted to call you and talk to you about our “relationship” but I ended up smashing my phone. After I went to the gym and calmed down, I read your letter again and I’m still pissed. But I’m not just pissed at you. I’m pissed at myself. You wrote that you loved me and I agree that our feelings were genuine. But I just don’t think it was ever enough and it was never going to be enough. We are alike in so many ways and we’ve both lost our parents at a young age. We both were in a point in our lives where we didn’t have family and we quickly developed a bond. When you wrote that our tragedies bonded us, I completely agreed with that. Not many people know what it’s like to grow up without your parents. We both experienced a lot of downs and still managed to be successful. Not a lot of people can say that.

  But our short relationship wasn’t all good. And I’m not going to sit here and act like it was all you. Like I said, I’m pissed at myself too. There were so many signs that I ignored because I thought you singing my grandfather’s song was a sign. It was like I thought my grandfather was sitting in Heaven, masterminding our relationship. But the reality is, you were just singing the next song that popped up randomly on your playlist and I happened to be there for it. After I got out of the hospital and found out you were gone, I wanted to hate you. But I didn’t. I should’ve let you walk out of my life for good at that time. But I didn’t. Instead, I felt like I failed. And I don’t fail. At anything. Period.

  Instead of seeing all the reasons why our relationship wouldn’t work, I just focused on how we made each other feel. Sahara when I tell you that you had my heart, believe me, I was determined to see this thing through. Even with it not working, I couldn’t deny my love for you. I thought if you moved back to Richland, we would get back to us. We would get back to where we were before the parole hearing. I thought we could make it work. You always say I’m perfect and I’m not, but I did feel like we had the potential to be perfect together. But it never fully connected. We loved each other and our attraction was crazy... But we weren’t on the same page. I don’t know if we ever were. I don’t know if we would ever be.

  We all have our crosses to bear so I don’t hate you. I wish you the best.

  Regards,

  Tyree

  Exhaling, I folded the letter back up and tucked it into my handbag. My throat felt tight as I thought about the words he wrote. He’s right. I loved him, but I was never going to be able to fully give my heart to him. Emanuel had it. He’s always had it, I thought as I looked up, surprised to find Emanuel staring at me. He sat on his motorcycle, patiently waiting for me to finish reading the heart clenching missive Ty wrote.

  I started walking toward Emanuel and I watched him watch me. Even in the crisp winter air, his eyes burned into my skin and I couldn’t help but smile. When I reached him, he pulled me against him and the side of the bike. Kissing me softly, he asked, “Are you ready for this?”

  Gazing up at him, I answered honestly. “I’ve been ready for this my whole life.”

  Epilogue

  Emanuel

  January 18, 2014

  “Hello?” I growled sleepily, not moving my arm from around her naked body. I knew I should’ve taken the call in the hallway, but it had been two weeks since I’d seen Sahara. It was going to take an act of God to get me out of bed with her, I thought as the phone rested on my face.

  “Manny, it’s time. She just got here. The contractions are just outside of six minutes apart so they haven’t formally admitted her, but she’s refusing to leave. You should get down here. Just in case,” Anthony’s voice rang loud and clear. The sound of the hospital in the background blared through the speaker.

  “Thanks man. I owe you one,” I said quickly, disconnecting the call. Suddenly more alert than I had been moments before, I tossed my phone back on the nightstand.

  Running my free hand across my face twice, I took a deep breath. I’m going to be a dad, I thought as I gently slid my arm from under Sahara’s body.

  She stirred and turned toward me. I hesitated for a minute before waking her. God she’s beautiful, I thought as I moved a few strands of hair off of her face. In the back of my mind, I knew this day would come; it had to. There is no one else but her. Even when I tried to shake my feelings for her, deep down I knew. She owned me. She owns me. And she feels the same way. But I’m not naïve. I know being a father is going to make things different. We talked about how things would change, but I couldn’t really gauge her reaction over the phone. I needed to see her again. I needed to touch her again. I needed to look in her eyes and know that she was okay with this. She wasn’t just signing up to be with me. She was signing up to be with my child. She was signing up to have continued contact with my child’s mother. And as pissed as Ashlyn—shit Ashlyn’s in labor now! I have to go!

  Interrupting my own thoughts, I gently shook Sahara until I saw her lashes fluttering. “Sahara, we have to get to the hospital,” I announced loudly. “Ashlyn’s about to go into labor.”

  Sahara jerked awake and pushed the sheets off of her body. “Now? It’s happening now?” Her voice sounded a little panicked as she jumped out of the bed.

  “Yes,” I said calmly even though I was starting to panic myself. Keep it together. Keep it together, I repeated to myself as I pulled on my boxers.

  She mumbled nervously as she worked her way into a pair of the smallest thongs I’d ever seen.

  I paused after I zipped up my jeans and watched the way her ass moved as she slid her tight jeans up her legs and over her rounded hips. Good God, I thought as she bent over to step into a pair of knee high black boots. I started to get hard all over again watching her until I remembered why we were up at 4 a.m.

  Pulling on an olive green T-shirt, I was dressed first. I went to brush my teeth and when I came out, Sahara was no longer upstairs. I grabbed my phone and my wallet and then ran down the steps. “Sahara?” I called out as soon as I reached the last step.

  “I’m ready, I’m ready. I just need to run this stuff upstairs,” she responded, carrying her toothbrush and a jar of coconut oil in her hands as she walked out of the downstairs bathroom.

  “Woah…” I breathed as I looked at her. I loved her hair wild and free and she had it pulled back with a headband. She had on a simple white T-shirt and jeans, yet she looked effortlessly better than any other girl I’d ever seen in my entire life. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her.

  “I added this scarf to dress it up a bit.” She gestured to the black, white and pink scarf draped around her neck. She almost looked uncomfortable. “I can change into something a little more…” Her sentence trailed off and ended with a shrug.

  “Sahara, you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen,” I assured her, taking the three steps it took to get to her. Pressing my forehead against hers, I backed her into the hallway wall and kissed her. He
r minty fresh breath and soft lips made my blood pump hard and fast for her. I’d never felt anything as strong as my love for her.

  “I just didn’t think I would be wearing jeans on the most important day of your life,” she murmured when I released her. Breathing heavily, she clutched her toothbrush and oil to her chest. “This is such an important day for you.”

  Taking the stuff out of her hands, I put it on the hall console and replied, “This is an important day for us.” My heart thrummed loudly as nerves started to get the best of me. Grabbing her hand, I continued, “There’s no me anymore. There’s only us: me, you and the kid. That’s my life.”

  I searched her eyes and waited anxiously for her to respond. I’ve never been this nervous about anything. This moment right here will tell me if she’s okay with this. Before we leave for the hospital, I need to know that she’s okay with this, I thought as my body got increasingly tense. If she’s not, if she can’t handle all of this… I shook my head in an attempt to shake away the thought. Losing her wasn’t an option.

  Sahara tilted her head to the side and looked at me with watery eyes. Relief washed over my body. I saw the smile in her eyes before her full lips spread wide. She squeezed my hand before she said, “Let’s go see the kid.”

  We arrived at the hospital fifteen minutes later. Once we got to the labor and delivery floor, everything became more real. While I received information about Ashlyn, Sahara called my parents and Emily to let them know where we were. She was on the phone for only a couple of minutes with my mom. When she talked to Emily, she excused herself to go get us some coffee. As I watched her walk out of the waiting area, I couldn’t help but wonder if I should be worried. I know things are different this time, but the girl has a tendency to freak out and run, I thought as I brought my attention back to the nurse who had just come back with a chart. Ashlyn’s contractions were five minutes apart so they officially admitted her while we were in route.

  I sat down in the waiting area and I didn’t know what to expect. There were a few people milling around aimlessly. Some of them had balloons and teddy bears in their hands as they paced the floor. There was a nervous energy in the air that only added to the sinking feeling in my stomach. I’m about to be a father, I thought as I put my head in my hands. With Ashlyn.. I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself down.

  What was I thinking? Was I really in that bad of a place that I was going to go along with marrying her? I know she’s holding out hope that we’ll end up together, but that’s not happening. And the more I tell her that, the crazier she gets. What’s she going to do next? She already opted not to tell me the gender of the baby because I told her I didn’t want to get back together with her. I’ve nicknamed my child ‘the kid’ because I don’t know if I’m having a boy or a girl. Ashlyn would dangle information in front of me and then snatch it away when I told her I was never going to be with her. The only reason she gave me any information at all was because I wasn’t with Sahara. I don’t know what she’s going to do when she finds out we’re together. She’s really going to flip when I tell her I plan to move to Pennsylvania. But by that time, Mr. McMannus would’ve already worked something out in court, I thought as I shifted from frustration to hopefulness.

  As soon as the hope came, it went and the reality of the situation came crashing down on me again. Once the baby comes, I’m a full time parent. With being on call all the time, will I be able to handle it all? Will Sahara be able to handle that? I know that my dad was an excellent dad and I’ve learned a lot from him…but will I be a good dad? Will Ashlyn poison the kid against me? Against Sahara? Will I—, my thoughts were interrupted by the hand on my back.

  I looked to my left and Sahara’s almond shaped eyes were on me. There was so much love and warmth in them and I instantly felt at ease. Turning my body, I grabbed her neck and brought her forehead to mine. I wanted to be strong for her. I wanted to be confident that everything would be okay. But when I opened my mouth to say something, it was like I was paralyzed with fear. Fear of parenthood. Fear of the love I felt for a child I’ve never met. Fear of losing Sahara.

  As if she knew my thoughts, Sahara kissed me with those full lips. When she pulled away, she whispered against my lips, “You are a great man. You are so strong and smart and supportive. You’re kind and funny and forgiving. The reasons that I love you are the same reasons I know you will be a great father.” She kissed me again before handing me a cup of coffee.

  If I wasn’t already sure, in that moment, I knew I would spend the rest of my life with Sahara. “I love you, you know that?” I asked before sipping the strong blend.

  “I do,” she answered with a smile.

  I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and pulled her into me. Kissing the top of her head, I relaxed for two whole minutes before pandemonium broke out. Mom, Dad, and Emily stormed the waiting room with balloons and flowers. As soon as we said our hellos, Nurse Kim came out to tell us that Ashlyn’s contractions were coming closer together.

  “Would you like me to show you where you can get changed to go into the delivery room?” Nurse Kim asked me with her thick country accent.

  No, I thought immediately, squeezing Sahara’s hand. “Uh—yeah, okay. Can I have a minute though?”

  “Of course. I’ll go check on the family over there and I’ll be back by to get you,” Nurse Kim said before walking off to the other side of the waiting room.

  “You ready for this son?” Dad asked, slapping me on my shoulder roughly. “Children change your life. When we found out we were pregnant with you, we were a mess. Everyone said things would change, but we didn’t know how much until you actually got here.” He laughed before he said, “By time Emily came along, we were old pros! Right dear?”

  We all looked over at Mom who dabbed at her eyes with a handkerchief. “I’m going to be a grandmother,” Mom cried.

  “Mom, the kid isn’t even here yet?! Save your tears for the actual delivery!” Emily playfully teased, getting her to smile.

  “Oh hush,” Mom laughed and swatted at Emily. Turning to me, Mom said, “Come here Manny.” She pulled me away from the group. Without Sahara’s hand in mine, I felt the nerves slowly start to build back up. I looked back over my shoulder to make sure she was still there, still mine.

  Tearfully, Mom pointed out, “Although I think it’s important for a child to be born in a loving, two parent household, I support your decision to not maintain a relationship with Ashlyn. Because I see the love between you and Sahara… I see how happy she makes you. The most important thing is to raise a child in a house full of love. Doesn’t matter if the love is from a single parent, two parents, or a step parent…” She dragged out the word with raised eyebrows so I would get the hint before she continued, “A child needs love and needs to see love and I know when he or she is with you and Sahara, he or she will get that.”

  I hugged her hard. “Thank you Mom. I needed to hear that. You’re a good mother.”

  With a tearful smile, she said, “And you, my son, are going to be an excellent father.”

  We returned to the group and Mom went straight to Sahara and hugged her. Over Mom’s shoulder, Sahara looked like she was holding back tears as she hugged her back. Nurse Kim started heading back toward us so I pulled Sahara away from Mom. We walked a few feet away from my family. Our family, I corrected myself as I realized there was never a more perfect fit.

  Cupping her face, I just stared at her as if I was trying to memorize every detail. I gently rubbed my thumbs against her soft cheeks. “So soft,” I mumbled, mesmerized by her beauty. Clearing my throat, I whispered, “You are my life.”

  “I feel the same way about you, love.” Her eyes filled with tears before she promised, “I’ll be here when you get out. I’m not going anywhere. Ever again.”

  That was everything I needed to hear. I crashed my lips into hers and kissed her with enough passion to leave us both breathless. Impulsively, I picked her up. She moaned and when her mouth opened, my to
ngue met hers sending chills up and down my spine. When the kiss ended, I slid her down my body until her feet touched the ground.

  “I love you,” Sahara murmured, backing away from me.

  “I love you, too.”

  “Mr. Mills, I should get you into the room, are you ready?” Nurse Kim asked from my right.

  I was so wrapped up in Sahara, I didn’t hear the nurse walk up. “I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.”

  Three hours later, I walked out of Ashlyn’s birthing suite. I smelled the clean scent of soap as I rubbed my face with my hands. Walking down the hall toward the waiting room, I took a minute to process what I just saw. It was incredible. Gross, but incredible. I stayed near Ashlyn’s head so that she could grip my hand, per her request. But her mom watched the whole thing unfold. Maybe I would’ve been prepared for the different fluids spewing out of her had I been included on any of the doctor’s appointments. Cutting the umbilical cord was the highlight and seeing that happy, healthy baby cry choked me up. The special moment was spoiled by the court appointed DNA paternity testing we all gave samples for, I thought as I pushed through the door.

  Mom was the first to spot me, jumping up from her chair. Mom, Dad, Emily, Mr. McMannus, Mrs. McMannus, Mark and Q ran toward me. “Boy or Girl?” they asked immediately as if they had a bet going on.

  I couldn’t help scanning the waiting room for Sahara as I announced with a laugh, “Girl!”

  They screamed and congratulated me. When I finished high fiving, hugging, and shaking hands with each of them, I felt my heart rate spike.

  I looked up and everyone else faded to black. Standing behind the group, Sahara clutched two bags: one blue and one pink. I walked through the group to Sahara.

  “Congratulations,” she said as she smiled a heartbreakingly sweet smile.

  “Thanks,” I said, gesturing to the bags, “What’s this?”

  “Well I had some gifts delivered to Emily’s last week. I wasn’t sure when the baby was coming and if I wasn’t here, I still wanted the kid to have my gift to him or her.”