Undefinable

by Renea Porter

  “Charlie, please don’t be concerned if you are going to hurt me. I’m a big girl,” I tell him sternly.

  He seems nervous. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to. It’s just, I like you and was wondering if you would go out with me sometime.”

  “You couldn’t wait to ask until after we’re done?” I try to make light of the situation.

  “I can’t even concentrate until I know,” he sayys.

  Charlie is not bad looking at all; he is a little dingy sometimes, but definitely looks good with his dark hair and bright blue eyes.

  “I’m sorry, Charlie; I just don’t think it’s a good idea.”

  “I understand. But will you at least think about it?”

  “Okay fine, I’ll think about it,” I lie.

  ***

  Christmas has fast approached and we are decorating the condo for the festivities and I am really missing Cash, still. He consumes me, day and night. Sometimes I find it hard to concentrate on things because I am thinking about him. Each day I am becoming more and more homesick, and Cash is home to me. This world I live now is not my world; it never was. And now I know what I want and where I belong. But I will put on a smiling face for the holiday, and I am thankful to be spending it with my mom and bestie.

  “Come on and help decorate this tree. Aren’t you excited about Christmas?”

  “I am,” I grab a string of lights and pass it around the huge tree.

  “What are we doing for New Years? Do you have any resolutions?” Van asks as we continue decorating.

  “I don’t have any plans. And resolutions are mostly unrealistic and I never stick to them. Maybe I will hang here and watch the ball drop on T.V with Mom.”

  “Kit asked me out!” Van squeals.

  “Shut up! Girl, he is so...” I can’t find the right word.

  “Intense,” she completes the sentence.

  “Yes, intense. He’s gorgeous, too,” I add.

  “Yeah, and I know it’s probably against the rules, but I don’t even care. I wasn’t going to turn a date down.”

  I am happy Van is getting some action. At least one of us could. She glows just talking about him and for a split moment I am jealous. But I am truly happy for her, and hope it works out if it was meant to be.

  “I don’t recall it being against the rules. Unless it’s some unwritten rule. Oh while we’re talking about it, Charlie asked me out about two weeks ago,” I admit.

  “You little shit and you didn’t even tell me.”

  “It wasn’t a big deal because I turned him down,” I declare.

  “Oh poor Charlie.” She pouts.

  “Because she still misses Cash,” Mom admits.

  “One of you two is going to have to make a move then,” Van says. “Because this moping around shit doesn’t look good on you,” she scolds.

  My mom agrees, shaking her head at the comment.

  “Look, A Christmas Story is on. Why don’t we settle in and watch my favorite Christmas movie?” I quickly change the subject because I don’t want to be a Debbie downer, but apparently I already am.

  “Okay fine change the subject, but you’re going to have to face the harsh reality sooner rather than later,” Van says.

  “I’ll go make the popcorn.” I don’tt want to hear any more about Cash.

  Cash and I still talk on the phone, but it is mostly earlier in the day and he apologized for saying the things he said when he was drunk. He still avoids the DNA question. And he still tells me he misses me and hopes I’m adjusting to life here. I’m not, but I don’t tell him that.

  “Okay, popcorn’s ready!”

  We all lounge in the living room watching A Christmas Story and I plant a smile on my face. I watch this every single year no matter what.

  But now I had these cherished memories I made with my mom. Even though I long to be with Cash, there is no replacement for a mother. And she came into my life at the most important time that I needed her. Sometimes we stayed up late talking until the wee hours. She wanted to know everything that had gone on in my life. And she told me stories about when she was younger. It was a special bond only a mother and daughter could share and understand. But we mostly don’t talk about the time she was in the hospital.

  It was a horrible mistake she didn’t want to relive.

  Chapter Twenty One

  Christmas has passed and now New Years is a few days away and I am pushing myself even harder at the gym. Charlie never asked me out again, I guess he got the hint or was still hoping I was thinking about it. The gym was almost a second home by now and Kit was still a beast, pushing me to the limits. My body was becoming stronger but still remained feminine.

  I was winning all my fights; the crowds were one hundred times bigger as they filled the arena. The fights back home were miniscule compared. By now I’m a world renowned fighter with this crazy long blonde hair and bright blue eyes. Sometimes people stopped me on the street and asked for an autograph, which shocked me every time. I was just little ole’ me. I wasn’t used to it, but Vanita ate it up like candy. Little girls were telling us that we were inspiring them and they looked up to us. It was crazy.

  But I don’t belong here, not the way Vanita belongs here. This is her world. She owns it like no one’s business. I know the longer I stay the harder it will be to go back. And part of me feels bad if I do go back, I’ll be shuffling my mom around once again and I worry how it will affect her. I know she is the strongest person I know and she will make it no matter what.

  I am puttering around my room, looking off into the distance and pondering my options when my mom comes into the room. She props herself on the bed and pats it for me to join her. I sit cross legged across from her.

  “Honey, are you still missing Cash? It’s not too late to turn this bus around and go back,” she admits.

  She knows me too well, and that is scary. I give her a weak smile and join her on my bed.

  “You’re my daughter and I know when something’s wrong,” she adds. “Something has been wrong for a long time.”

  “So many things are wrong, where do I even start?”

  “Just talk to me.” She pats my knee.

  “I can’t stop thinking about him and what he’s doing. I’m constantly depressed and I can’t even move on, yet I hold onto him. I just can’t let go even though he said it was okay if I wanted to. But I don’t want to. My hearts not here; it’s in Boston.”

  Admitting those seven words aloud causes my breath to catch.

  “Well, I guess you know what you need to do then. And I’m here to support your decision. I’m always here for you and I always will be.” She reaches over and lightly brushes my cheek with the back of her hand. “You’re my baby and I hate to see you hurting like this.”

  “What if I get there and it’s too late, what if he’s just been making me think he misses me?”

  “Isn’t the love you share worth the risk? That boy was madly and deeply in love with you and I can’t see that changing, even with the distance it being months since you last saw each other. But you both have been holding on for a reason. I think you know what you need to do.”

  I lean over and hug her tight. “I feel like a terrible daughter.”

  “Why?” She brushes my hair back.

  “I don’t want you to think I didn’t cherish the memories we’ve created. I have.”

  “Baby, you are the most amazing daughter. I’m so proud of the young woman you have become that sometimes it catches my breath. So don’t you dare think otherwise. Cash came into your life when no one else was there, and he sees exactly what I see, and he makes you see it, too. You glow when you are around him. Why don’t you let me take care of calling the airline and see when we can leave?” she suggests.

  “Okay. You’re the best.” I hug her and she turns to leave the room.

  “You’re doing the right thing, Sweetie,” she says.

  “Thanks Mom.”

  Was I really doing this? Was I really going to s
ee Cash soon? How would he react to seeing me?

  Those questions wouldn’t be answered just yet. The excitement of it all settles into my belly, causing the butterflies to flutter. I’m nervous about going back, about telling Les and Van. I know Van will support me. But this is what I have to do; I have to go back. Granted, I could take a few days and just go visit him but I know better. Once I feel his arms around me, I’ll never want to leave. So leaving is what I’m going to do. I’ll make sure to see Les first thing in the morning.

  ***

  CASH

  As much as I tried to push Cheyanne away, she wouldn’t budge. She said she would fight for us, if I wasn’t going to. How the hell does she do it; have this hold over me? I don’t want to let her go. But every time I reach out, our fingertips almost touch then one of us pulls away. Mostly it’s been me to pull back. I wish I could rewind the time, back to when she was still here in my arms. I greedily hold on to the hope that she’ll come back to me, but the longer she stays away, the farther I fall into this depressing fog I’ve been living in. Some things have been going on that Cheyanne doesn’t even know and that I’m not ready to talk about just yet.

  I wonder why she keeps holding on to what we had. Was she too scared to let go? Did she really love me the way she says? Were we a lost cause from the start? Was all this for nothing?

  She consumes me and my thoughts. Some days it is hard to get out of bed. I try to remember a time before her, but I can’t. If I try really hard I can still smell her on my bed, her lavender and vanilla infused scent. It haunts me. I try to push through the days, but every day is the same monotony. With her, things were different and I missed everything about her. Living without her doesn’t seem possible. I need her, to feel her on me, to touch her and to get lost in her baby blues and I want desperately to fist her hair and kiss her. Even I know that just a visit for a day or two wouldn’t be enough; it never was enough.

  ***

  Cheyanne

  Mom made the reservation for us to leave tomorrow morning and I am anxious. My nerves are shot as I make my way toward Les’ office. I made an appointment with his secretary earlier and luckily he was available to see me.

  “Hi, I’m here to see Les,” I say as I approached her.

  “Right down the hall on the right; you can go on back.”

  I take a deep breath before knocking on his door. I just need to get this over with. I knock twice before peeking my head inside.

  “Come in, come in,” he gestured with his hand. “What brings you in?” He leans back in his chair and clasps his hands behind his head.

  I sit in the chair across from him and sigh. “Well, I came here to tell you that I’m going back, back home. This is just not for me. I’m grateful for the opportunity, but I can’t get used to being away.”

  “Does this have anything to do the young man Cash I spoke to?”

  I look down, and my hands are fidgety then I look back up to him. “It does. I love him and I didn’t know how much until I was here. I’m so sorry to let you down, sir,” my voice cracks.

  I hate disappointing people; it makes me feel like a failure.

  “I’ll tell you what. Love does funny things to people, and I could clearly see how much he loved you and he let you go. Go back and get your man Cheyanne. It was really nice working with you and you take care.” He stands and holds out his hand.

  He is letting me go. I stand and shake his hand and bid him farewell. With a smile spread across my face, I walk back down to the SUV. Mom wanted to come with me, but I knew I had to do this on my own. This was my screw up and I had to fix it.

  I don’t plan on telling Cash; I want to surprise him. I want to see the look on his face when he knows I’m home for good. I want him to scoop me up in his strong arms and never let go.

  With talking to Les out of the way, I now have to break the news to Van. I know she’ll be happy for me. I can’t stop smiling knowing I am going home, knowing I am going back to Cash. Maybe he will talk to me face to face and tell me what’s going on.

  The driver pulls up to the condo and I make my way up, hoping to catch Van before she leaves to train. Walking inside, I find her in the kitchen while my mom is making lunch.

  “Just where were you, missy?” she asks with a hand on her hip.

  “I went to see Les.” I let that sink in for a minute.

  Van arches her eyebrow. “And?”

  “And I have news. My mom and I are leaving to go back to Boston.” I sit on the stool next to her. “I love you and all but this world is not for me. You shine bright in it, I need to go back. It’s just something I have to do.”

  “I understand. Hell, why aren’t you on the plane already?” she asks.

  “We leave tomorrow. And Cash doesn’t know so you can’t say anything,” I tell her. “I want to surprise him.”

  “Oh, I’m sure he’ll be surprised alright. What do you think about all this?” she asks my mom.

  “I’m happy she knows what she wants and she’s going after it. I support her and whatever happens, I’m very proud.”

  Tears well up in my eyes. But they are happy tears for once. I genuinely love these two ladies, one my mom and the other like a sister I never had. I quickly blink back the tears because I don’t want to be a sap.

  “I’m not ready to give up on us, I can’t let him go. Not until I look into his eyes and see him for myself.”

  “I’m glad I won’t see your moping face anymore.”

  “Shut up.” I nudge her as Mom plants food in front of us.

  “I’m going to ditch training and spend the last day we have together,” Van announced.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes. Besides, you two need to help me find a dress for New Year’s.”

  New Year’s is two days away and I hope I’ll be kissing Cash at midnight. A girl can dream and for now that’s what it is.

  The three of us go shopping and help pick out her dress, which is an emerald color with ruching that compliments her body. It is strapless with jewels decorated across the bust line.

  On a whim I try on a baby pink A-line Organza dress that touches just above the knee and the waist is adorned with a thick silver tone belt look to split the V-neck top and bottom. I just try it on for fun and my mom and Van insist on me buying it even though I doubt I’ll ever wear it. It does make me feel pretty and girlie in it.

  After some shopping, we eat downtown before heading back to the condo. We still need to pack and rest since we have a full day ahead of us tomorrow.

  “What will you do for a job when you go back?” Vanita asks.

  “It might seem silly, but I am thinking about opening up my own gym, for troubled kids. It’ll give them an outlet and a place where they can feel secure.”

  “That is a fantastic idea. And you’ll be able to relate to them and they can see how far you’ve come as well. It’s really a great thing. You’ll be great at it. But don’t you think you would be competing with Cash’s gym? Why not just expand his and you can work together?” She wiggles her eyebrows.

  “You think? I wouldn’t necessarily be competing with him because it would be more of an outlet for the kids. They wouldn’t be fighting at all. But the option will be there when they get older and then they can transfer over to Cash’s gym. Plus, I just want my own place; something that is mine.”

  “I get it. You’ll be great at it. And it’s a well thought out plan,” she confirms.

  Chapter Twenty Two

  “Are you sure you want to leave me?” Van asks while hugging me tight.

  Mom and I are about to leave for the airport. It is impossible to keep the tears at bay.

  “I’m sorry but I do,” I cry into her shoulder, squeezing her.

  “I know.” She breaks away and cups my face. “You make sure he knows what you gave up to come back home.”

  I nod through my teary eyes. Truth is, all the glitz and glamour isn’t worth it to me. Cash is what I need. And I already have an appoint
ment with the bank when I get there. If the warehouse building is still available, I want it for my gym and it isn’t far from my apartment. Thankfully, I kept my apartment in case I came back, since I am basically living rent free in Las Vegas.

  Mom and Van hug before we walk down to the car. Van insists on waving us off. Inside the car, Mom squeezes my knee. “Nervous?”

  “Yes, but I’m excited. And now I know what I want out of life.”

  “I’m proud of you. And now that I’m spoiled having my own bed, I think we need a bigger apartment or I need to get a job and get my own place. I don’t want to crowd you and you and Cash have to reconnect from being away from each other.”

  “Why don’t you come work at the gym? You can do the paperwork stuff and oversee stuff with me. Just think about it.”

  “Alright, I’ll think about it.” She smiles.

  At the airport we make our way to the boarding area, and it seems like it was yesterday that I left Boston to come here, yet it seems like a year ago as well. My nerves are kicking into high gear as we board the plane and I am nervous to see Cash. I wonder if he has changed at all or if he looks the same.

  Have you ever loved someone so much, you couldn’t live without them? That’s how I feel about Cash, like I can’t breathe without him near me. And I long for the warmth and comfort he always gives me.

  In five short hours, I’ll be there in Boston and it is a crazy thought. My life has changed so much from being homeless to a world renowned fighter. And especially having my mother here with me, who would have thought she would recover from a coma and we’d be bonding like this. She understands me, and sometimes I think she knows me better than I do. I hope to be as strong as her when I am her age.

  “Get some rest,” she says as we take our seats.

  I close my eyes, hoping to dream of Cash and imagine what it will be like to see him for the first time.

  Before I know it, we are landing in Boston and I am so elated I almost squeal and jump up and down. I can’t wait to see the look on Cash’s face. I hope to get to my apartment before he notices. Looking at the time, I know he would be either at the gym or on his way home.