Confessions of Three Gay Boys: Journal One

by A. V. Zeppa

  Yeah. So, I got to go on a date with Jayden. We went to Harper’s together on a bromance date. It felt great being with him and pretending we were boyfriends and pretending I was out to everyone. It felt so good. So real. The party was poppin as usual. I love hanging out with Harper because she’s original, nice, honest, and understands what I’m going through. She’s always been there to help me through all my endless drama with lusting females.

  Jayden and I got to the party a little late because Jayden wanted to look perfect, like he needs to. I mean he’s naturally perfect. So let me back up a minute. I was sitting on the commode watching him primp and worrying about how he looked. I was also enjoying his half naked body too. I wanted him. I wanted grab him and hold him and kiss his beautiful lips and ask him to be my boyfriend. At one point he caught me staring at his body and asked if I liked the view. I gave him an embarrassed smile. “I definitely like the view.” He wiggled his tight little tush in my face. “You’re just too cute,” he said, and then kissed me on the forehead.

  All right, back to the party. When we got there Harper and Julie answered the door and saw us holding hands. Harper smiled and gave this ‘what is going on?’ look, while Julie immediately started flirting with me. She refuses to leave it alone.

  “You guys look so cute together,” Harper said. Then out of nowhere Julie jumped on me and got all huggy, which I hate. She knocked my hand out of Jayden’s and he got upset. “Julie, you need to back off my man. Jamie and I are bromancing tonight.” Harper tried to help. “Julie, you need to let them be together.” I had to peel her off, causing her to give me a weird look. “I’m here with Jayden,” I said. She still didn’t get it, so Harper told her she would explain it to her. They headed to the kitchen and we headed to the great room.

  Within five minutes Julie was back with Emma and they were both hitting on me big time. They grabbed me and lead me out to the terrace against my will. As I was being kidnapped, I saw Chris chuckling and Jayden oblivious to my plight because he was talking to Cody.

  I was able to escape their clutches a few minutes later and headed back inside to be with Jayden, but he was gone. Chris said he had left with Cody. A Jealous ping hit me in the gut. I didn’t know why they left or what was going on, and still don’t. Why would he leave with Cody? I mean, they don’t even know each other all that well. I tried to get him to spill when he finally got back, but he got all secretive on me, so I didn’t push it.

  Anyway, things got back to semi-normal a few minutes later. Jayden even held my hand and was cuddly and attentive for the rest of the night. It felt really nice, and I didn’t care that certain people gave us looks. Maybe coming out is going to be easier than I think. I hope so.

  I’m leaving for ParkSlope in a few minutes and I’m really nervous about meeting Leo. We’re meeting up for lunch at an Indian restaurant he likes a lot. At least we have that in common. I love Indian cuisine. Any kind of food with curry in it makes my mouth water.

  I don’t know if this is a good or bad thing, but we’ve been FaceTiming every night. It seems like we like a lot of the same things. I don’t think I’ve been coming on as gay, but I know he is trying to find out just by certain conversations we have. He talks about being gay like it is perfectly normal, which it is, except to some straight people. I love that he is so comfortable being out, just like Jayden and Chris. I wish I could be that way. Well, it’s time to grab a cab. Man, I’m so nervous. Let’s hope for the best. Wish me luck.

  Later

  JOURNAL ENTRY 7

  Jayden

  My weekend was unbelievable. And weird. Nothing bad happened, it’s just that someone surprised me with their confession, and I thought I was being followed on Saturday. I’m not paranoid or anything like that, but I always seem to know when I’m in some kind of danger. My body lets me know when something’s fucked up. But other than that . . .

  I really needed a relaxing weekend after maneuvering through my first week of school. I actually came out of it almost in one piece. The best thing about school is that I’m finally a senior. It became apparent that us seniors are running things now agenda wise. I’m not running it of course, the jocks and self-proclaimed royalty are, but being a senior has given me certain privileges and slightly more respect. Unfortunately this respect comes with certain responsibilities I’d rather not partake in.

  I’ve also been getting pressure from my school adviser and my parents about finishing my college apps and essays. I’ve been working on them for a couple of weeks now, which excites and scares the shit out of me. It scares me because it’s really happening; I’m about to become a real adult with real responsibilities, just like my parents. I have my reservations because I kinda like the idea of being young forever, like Peter Pan. But since that is an immature pipe dream, I guess I’m somewhat excited about what the future holds. I like that I’ll be independent and be able to do what I want.

  I’ve narrowed down my college choices to Princeton, Brown, and Columbia. My parents have scheduled campus tours for each. The Columbia tour is first, which is next Saturday. Chris and Jamie are going with me. Ohmygod, it’ll be fire if we end up going to college together. I just want to get those applications out of the way as fast as possible to get everyone off my ass so I can concentrate on my social life. I want this year to be a year I’ll always remember.

  Umm . . . yeah, so I already wrote about Harper’s party, my date with Jamie, and the whole Cody experience. What a way to start a weekend.

  I went shopping in SoHo with Chris and Harper on Saturday. It was a total party atmosphere down there as usual. Tons of hot guys and lots of street vendors selling everything under the sun. If there is a heaven, SoHo is it. The eclectic mix of boutiques gets my blood flowing the same way having sex does. Personally, shopping is the best orgasm in the world. Shit, I can’t believe I just wrote that. It might be true, I don’t know. I just love shopping, especially with my friends, because it always puts us in a good mood. I absolutely love it.

  So now, the paranoid part. It happened while we were shopping. I swear I saw Zack. It really freaked me out, like I was all of a sudden in a horror movie.

  Let me set the scene.

  We were on Prince Street with tons of other people going from vender to vender. It was a perfect sunny afternoon. We had just gotten ice cream cones and were standing in the middle of the street listening to some old black guys sing some doo-woppy type song, you know, they were singing a cappella. It sounded lit, so I asked Harper if she knew the name of the song. That’s when this dad type guy who was standing next to us said it was called “Up on the Roof” and that it was from the early 60s. I asked if it was from the 1860s just as a joke, but dad-guy looked at me like I was mentally challenged. “You’re one of those smart ass prima donna punks, aren’t you?” he snarled, and then walked away. “You really made that guy angry,” Chris said, with a slight chuckle. Harper needed to get her two cents in next. “Don’t you feel embarrassed?”

  “Not really? I was just joking around.” Some people have no sense of humor. To make myself feel better I put a hundred dollar bill in the singers’ tip jar.

  A couple of minutes later we were looking at jewelry when all of a sudden the hair on my arms stood up. Then came the goosebumps. That’s my warning sign that something bad is about to happen. I looked around to see what was causing it, but everything seemed okay. The feeling went away for a few minutes and then came back with a vengeance. I quickly looked into a crowd of people to my right and I swear I saw Zack duck behind two guys with bleached white hair. I backed into Chris, which made him bump into a table. I grabbed him before he fell on it.

  “I’m sorry,” I said. He apologized to the vender, then asked, “Are you all right?”

  “No. I think I just saw Zack.”

  “Where?”

  “Over there.” I pointed at the crowd. He took off with a look that could kill, disappearing into the crowd. He was back a couple of minutes later. “I didn’t see him, but I wish
I had.” Chris was breathing hard, like he had been running. I apologized. “I’m sorry. Maybe I’m just being paranoid, but I swear I saw him. I could feel his presence.” Chris hugged me. “Don’t be sorry. That fucker is crazy. I wouldn’t put it past him to stalk you.” From that point on I kept an eye on my surroundings.

  On the lighter side of this shit, Harper was so engrossed with trying on bracelets that she didn’t know what was happening. That was probably a good thing because she’d love to help Chris kick Zack’s ass. I tried to rationalize the whole thing, thinking it had to be someone who looked like him. I just hope he isn’t stalking me. That’s all I need.

  Now to the confession. It happened last night, and I’m still in shock.

  So, I was all snuggled up on the sofa in my favorite footy pajamas with a bowl of freshly popped popcorn waiting for the fifth season of American Horror Story to begin. I was as giddy as a Disney princess in heat waiting to see my hero, Lady Gaga, make her debut. I got all emotional when she appeared on the screen.

  My Facebook and Instagram went wild moments later. Everyone was inboxing everyone. I couldn’t believe how beautiful she looked. She plays the character Countess Elizabeth, a vampish bloodsucking vampire. Love it. Just love it! She’s everything gay boys love, and so much more. It’s fashion, blood, seduction, all things vampy and controlling. Sorry, I’m getting all worked up again.

  Anyways, I was about ten minutes into the show when my sister Erica and her boyfriend Devin came into the den and asked if they could watch too. I shushed them and pointed at the sofa. I scooted over to the far end to make room. Devin sat in the middle, while Erica gingerly sat down on the other end. I handed him the bowl of popcorn so they could share. He passed it to Erica, but she pushed it away. “No thanks. I don’t want to barf,” she said, with a slight moan.

  As soon as Countess Elisabeth was off screen I asked what was wrong. “It’s just the monthly curse. Cramps.” I felt sorry for her, and for Devin because she can be a real bitch when it hits. Shit, I would be too if I had to go through that every month. He was trying to be the caring boyfriend, but Erica just wanted to be left alone. Five minutes later she gave him a kiss and headed to bed.

  I was really into the show, but noticed Devin looking at me. He seemed nervous. Still completely riveted to Vampire Gaga, I said, “You don’t have to leave. You can watch the rest of the show with me if you want.” He smiled and leaned back. “Thanks. I love this show. I love Empire too.” I turned to him. “Me too.”

  We took turns naming some of our favorite shows. Gossip Girl, Vampire Dairies, Teen Wolf, Pretty Little Liars, and a few others. “You have great taste,” I told him.

  He smiled, “So do you.”

  Ohmygod, his gorgeous smile and those gorgeous dark eyes were making my body come alive. I needed to shut that down real quick because like I’ve said before, I never go after straight boys. I paused the show. “I’m going to make some more popcorn. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

  “Can I help?” he asked.

  “Sure. Are you hungry?”

  “Yeah, I’m always hungry.”

  “Cool. We can make some sandwiches instead. I’m hungry too.”

  We headed to the kitchen and raided the refrigerator. I’m not very comfortable with people I don’t know well, but I felt comfortable with him. Maybe it was because he’s younger than me, I don’t know. He is young though, a sophomore, and kind of quiet, like Jamie. He seems a bit shy too. But he is gorgeous hot, I mean stratosphere hot.

  So, we were standing at the island casually talking away while we made some awesome sandwiches. Then, out of the blue, he asked me the gay question. It was so cute because his voice was shaky nervous. “I-I hope I’m not being too forward, b-but when did you know that you were gay?” I wanted to have a little fun, so I put him on the spot. “How do you know I’m gay?” He looked down at the counter and got real quiet for a few seconds. “Umm . . . in July, after Erica and I started going out, a friend of mine said you were, so I asked her if it was true and she said yes.”

  I felt sorry for him. He looked like he was ready to bolt. “I’m definitely gay. I’ve known since sixth grade. Are you okay with it? I mean, are you getting any shit at school because I’m Erica’s gay brother?”

  “NO . . . no, not at all. It’s just . . . what does it feel like to be out? I mean, I think you are really brave.”

  “It was scary at first. I didn’t come out until tenth grade because I thought no one would like me, but I was so wrong. The best part of being out is that I can be myself.”

  I smiled. He smiled.

  “Well, I still think you’re brave.” We headed back to the den with our sandwiches and soda.

  I was just about to click the remote when Devin said, “Jayden, I need to tell you something personal.” It looked like he was going to start crying at any second, so I put the remote down and asked, “Are you okay?”

  “I . . . I’m gay . . . I’ve known for a long time and . . . I don’t how to deal with it. I’m really afraid.”

  I couldn’t believe what I had just heard, but I heard it, and knew he was scared to death. I moved over and gave him a hug. “You don’t have to be afraid. There is nothing wrong with being gay.” He hugged me back. “Thank you for saying that. Somehow I need to be honest with myself and everyone else.” I took my napkin and wiped his eyes. “Just think, you took the first step, a very brave first step by telling me. I’m really proud of you.”

  “Thanks.” He gave me another hug. “I don’t know how to tell Erica. I’ve been lying to her all this time and I hate myself for it.” I knew that feeling all too well. “I know it’ll be hard to tell her, but I think she’ll understand, especially with me being her brother.” I was hoping like hell she wouldn’t freak out, but deep down I knew it going to hit her hard because she really likes him.

  We sat there for a couple of minutes in kind of a nervous quiet. I got a little concerned, so I finally nudged his shoulder with mine and asked, “How are you doing?”

  “I’m okay I think. Thanks for helping me with this.”

  “I’m right here anytime you want to talk. You know, you should come to the next GSA meeting.”

  “I’d love to.”

  “Cool. Are you ready to see what Countess Elizabeth is up to?”

  “Yeah.” It turned out to be an evening I’ll never forget.

  Jamie was acting weird at school today, but it seemed like a good kind of weird. He had this contented look on his face and was way more talkative then he’s been in a long time. At lunch I asked if he was okay. He laughed and said everything was great. “Where were you on Saturday? I kept texting you, but you were missing in action. We wanted you to meet us in SoHo. You had me worried all day.”

  “Sorry about that. I just had some things to do and I didn’t feel like talking to anyone.”

  “So, what was so important that you couldn’t talk to me?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it right now. Please don’t take it personally?”

  “Are you in some kind of trouble?”

  “No, no, it’s nothing like that. I’ll tell you when the time is right. So please just drop it for now, okay?”

  “Yeah, okay. I get it. Jamie’s got a secret from his best friend.” I was hoping to guilt him out of it, but he wasn’t biting. And that was that. Jamie has always been a little secretive about stuff. I’ll trick him into telling me, I swear . . .

  JOURNAL ENTRY 8

  Chris

  This real-time writing is unreal. Scary actually. Sometimes I don’t want to see the truth so up close. Sometimes I just want to forget what has happened, like what happened on Sunday. I wish I had a DeLorean Time Machine to rewind the situation. Man oh fucking man . . . I need to change the subject for a few . . .

  On the brighter side, school’s been lit. It’s all good for a change. It feels good knowing that I only have nine more months of that place. I can’t wait to go far, far away to college. I’ve always hated g
oing to a high school in my neighborhood because it’s unoriginal and boring. It’s been tolerable only because of Jayden and Jamie. I begged my parents to let me go away to this awesome boarding school in Connecticut, but they wouldn’t let me. They liked the idea of the legacy thing since they both attended my prep school.

  But I think it was far more than that spec of emotional attachment. Even though she would never admit it, I know my mother loves to keep a close eye on me, especially with my modeling career being so successful. I guess I don’t blame her, but I’ve always wanted to feel like I’m an independent person, and boarding school would have given me that independence to some degree. Don’t get me wrong, I love where I live, I love my life, I love my parents, I realize that I have advantages a lot of people my age only dream of, but it’s just . . . well, hopefully you know what I mean.

  I love modeling, and all the other aspects of the business. I basically model exclusively for my mother. So do Jayden and Jaime. Well, almost exclusively. We get mega offers from other designers and fashion magazines, but we only accept certain offers with my mother’s approval. She wants to make sure we maintain a pristine image, and that no one takes advantage of us, if you get my drift. She is the best agent anyone could ever have. I love her so much and really do understand why she has wanted me to stay in the city.

  Modeling and living in New York City has its perks for sure, but I’m definitely going to attend a university out of state. It will soon be time for that to happen and I have it all figured out. I’ll fly home on the weekends to do photo shoots and runway gigs. Hopefully she’ll understand my need to do this. I’ve always wanted to live in a dorm, meet new people with different backgrounds than mine, walk to classes on a campus that has those mystical Ivy covered buildings, and maybe even belong to a fraternity.