Confessions of Three Gay Boys: Journal One

by A. V. Zeppa

  JOURNAL ENTRY 11

  Chris

  Well, it’s been four days since I’ve smoked any bud and it’s driving me crazy. So yeah, I quit smoking. I thought people couldn’t get hooked on this stuff. I really wanna light one up, but I’m not going to. I promised myself. Ty hasn’t said anything about wanting to smoke, so I kind of think he was only smoking for my sake.

  I used to think weed made me extra horny, but I was wrong. I’m so fucking horny right now that even jerking it a couple of times a day isn’t enough. I know jerking off is a private thing, but this is a real-time journal, so . . . I wish Ty were here so I could take care of this relentless woody. I just hope my body settles down soon.

  Been listening to a lot of music lately. One Ok Rock, Young the Giant, Twenty One Pilots, Black Veil Brides, Panic at the Disco. Music makes me feel connected to everything around me. It’s just like being high, if you know what I mean.

  So, I’m getting mentally prepared for Fashion Week. I can’t wait to get on that runway with Jayden and Jamie. Lots of parties coming up too, which is always lit.

  School was interesting yesterday. Never a dull moment there, that’s for sure. The first thing that happened was a new memorandum being posted about how every student needs to adhere to the school’s honor code. Then we had a general assembly where we received a stern lecture from the headmaster. That is where we found out that four assholes got caught cheating on a biology test. They had used their phones to get answers from each other, and from someone who had taken the test earlier that day.

  Then a certain guy, I won’t say who, sent naked pics of himself to his girlfriend and she decided to show them to her friends. One of the deans who were cruising around the cafeteria saw them and immediately confiscated her phone and then escorted her to the office. Another dean went to find the guy who had sent them. He was suspended for ten days, and both their parents had to come to the school, which I’m sure was embarrassing for everyone involved.

  I’m guessing this relationship is probably over. All I know is that if I feel embarrassed for them, think how they must feel knowing the whole school knows. Girls were talking about it all day, saying how they wanted to see the pics to see how hung he is. I have gym with that guy, so I see him naked all the time and enjoy the view immensely. And yes, he is definitely hung.

  Then Ty told me that Jayden and Erica had a big fight. I got the whole story at lunch and couldn’t believe what had gone down. Erica’s boyfriend Devin, or I guess ex-boyfriend now, is gay. I felt bad for him when I heard that Erica had outed him in front of everyone. I realize that Erica was upset, but she shouldn’t have done that. Man, I still can’t believe Devin is gay. My gaydar definitely was fooled by another hotty.

  Next on the school drama list was the epic breakup news. Cody and Leah broke up. The whole school seemed like it had flipped sideways and fallen out of the universe. Jayden was really upset for some reason, especially since he couldn’t find Cody anywhere. He asked Jamie and I to help find him. I’m worried that Jayden is crushing on him way too much. I hope that isn’t the case because Cody is straighter than a ruler. Yeah, he’s hot, one of the hottest guys at school, but he is made for girls.

  Things got intense. We were standing outside in front of the school wondering where to start our search because Cody wasn’t answering Jamie’s texts. Jayden was asking some people near us if they had seen him, but just our luck, he asked the wrong ones. Cheryl, Abbie, and Rhea immediately got into our shit, saying Cody was an asshole for dumping Leah.

  Rhea made it personal. “All guys are assholes. And yeah, that includes gay boys.” Then she threatened us. “Get the fuck outta here before I kick your asses.” I laughed. Jayden called here a closet dyke. Rhea gave us the finger and walked away with her two faux thugettes. We never did find Cody.

  JOURNAL ENTRY 12

  Jamie

  I’ve been FaceTiming with Leo every night this week. I just wanna grab him through my iPad and kiss his full luscious lips. He’s such a nice guy. He has this dry sense of humor and he’s incredibly smart, but in an understated way. He doesn’t show off like some guys I know, you just know he’s smart, and unique. I love meeting people like that.

  We both like a lot of the same music. Groups like Florence and the Machine, Paramore, Young the Giant, Fall Out Boy, and of course, The Beatles. Leo said The Beatles introduced the sitar and Indian music to western culture in the 1960s. He loves mid to late twentieth-century music, and listens to every style imaginable.

  He lost me when he started talking about the jazz scene in the 1950s, but he explained how musicians like Jerry Mulligan, Miles Davis, and John Coltrane invented new genres of jazz the same way The Beatles invented new genres of rock. I don’t know anything about jazz, and told him so. So get this, he invited me to sleep over whenever I have a free Friday or Saturday so we can listen to a bunch of jazz. I can’t wait.

  I’ve decided it’s time to tell Jayden and Chris about Leo because I can’t hold it in any longer.

  So, I feel like I’m on a runaway train that is about to crash. Two more frantic oversexed females are chasing me around at school. Their names are Megan, or Morgan, I think, and Alyssa, who is kind of goth or rave or something. She scares the shit outta me. Now add Julie and Carla to this mix, it leaves me with nowhere to hide. They’re coming out of the woods like zombies in heat, which allows zero privacy with my friends. It’s time to come out and end this shit.

  Yeah, yeah, I know it’s all my fault, but . . . I have to figure out how to do it, and then handle the pressure, knowing it will affect my entire existence. I’m worried about my teammates and how they are going to react. Will they hate me? Will they be afraid to be around me in the locker room? Will my parents hate me? I’m scared. I’m really scared. I’m also going to let my coaches know soon and wonder if they are going to kick me off both teams. It really sucks thinking about the potential fallout. Fuck . . .

  Okay, so back to these two crazy females. I think they’re freshmen. It all started as soon as I got to school Monday morning. Jayden, Chris, and I were hanging out by our lockers when they walked up and started raping me with their eyes. They were definitely competing with each other to see who could get my attention the most. I felt like a prize bull. The guys thought it was amusing. I put an end to it as soon as they started touching me. I don’t like people invading my space, especially crazy giddy girls. Fortunately for me they were offended when I told them to back away. They walked away in a huff, thank god.

  Jayden laughed. “You better come out soon or these lusting females are gunna lose their minds trying to hook up with you.”

  “Leave it alone,” I said, feeling frustrated. “This really sucks.” Jayden put his arm around my shoulder. “You’re hot. I know it. They know it. Come out come out wherever you are,” he said, and then started tickling me.

  Oh yeah, some other crazy shit went on between third and fourth period that I was glad I missed when I found out who was involved. A couple of people in my Philosophy class said they had witnessed a huge love triangle fight in the east wing hallway. I know this sounds terrible, but I love to watch that kind of thing because it’s so entertaining. I was really happy I missed it though, because it involved Jayden, his sister Erica, and her boyfriend.

  Jayden gave a very diplomatic overview of what happened when we met up for lunch. Erica and her boyfriend Devin, or I guess ex-boyfriend now, were there too. I felt sorry for both of them. Erica looked really sad and out of it, and Devin looked like a scared puppy. Needless to say, it was a tense lunch. The long and short of it was that Erica accused Jayden of turning Devin gay, or something along those lines, which inadvertently outed him in front of a bunch of people. So painful for everyone involved. I couldn’t imagine what it would feel like to be outed like that. The look on Devin’s face said it all though. I really felt for him. Kind of makes me happy that I don’t have a girlfriend.

  I did my best to reassure them that being honest with each other was th
e best thing they could have done. Jayden gave me a sly look and said, “That is great advice. More people need to follow it.” I looked away totally ashamed.

  Finally, the other big news. Cody broke up with Leah today. All the guys were talking about it in gym. Jayden gave Chris and I all the juicy details during English. What was weird to me was how upset Jayden was about all of the nasty rumors going around. For some reason he wanted to make sure Cody was okay. I let him know that Cody was a big boy and would ride the storm out just fine, but he didn’t believe me. He asked Chris and I to help find him, and of course we did, no questions asked, because that’s what friends do. We came up empty.

  JOURNAL ENTRY 13

  Jayden

  Hardly got any sleep last night because Cody came over to talk. Yasss! Cody showed up at my house. It was nice getting to know him better without anyone else around. Talking to him at school sucks because people always stare at us. I know it’s because he’s the popular jock and I’m the fem flamboyant gay boy.

  Stereotypes are so stupid. Even though I have a tiny crush on him, I honestly tried not to think about that because he was hurting. He needed someone to talk to, and I was happy that he felt like he could confide in me.

  Yesterday was one of the strangest days I’ve ever had. I’m not kidding. It started nightmarishly, and ended in nirvana. Facts! I got to know Erica, Devin, and Cody on totally new levels. So cool.

  It’s funny how situations and relationships can veer off in different directions and still be good. I guess that sometimes we have to go through a myriad of emotions in order to see what is really important in life.

  I thought it was nice that all three of them asked for my advice. My close friends always confide in me and ask for advice. I definitely take that as a compliment. But sometimes I need that kind of person to bounce my thoughts and emotions off of too. I mean, how will I ever know if I’m on the right track or not if I don’t have that? I’m just winging it most of the time.

  Everyone sees me as this empathetic, logical guy who rarely gets upset, but believe me, I’ve been upset plenty of times. I just internalize the negative shit and wait a while before I react. Then I react when no one is around. I’ve always been like that and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s just the way I’m wired, but getting upset over stupid little life details is a waste of time in my opinion. I am brutally honest when people ask for advice, and would love to get that kind of honesty back once in a while.

  But anyway, back to Cody. Here’s what happened. I had messaged him on Facebook after dinner to see if he was okay. I didn’t get a response until after 10 pm. “Hey Jayden, thanks for your concern about the whole Leah thing. I really appreciate it. I heard that you were looking for me today. I’m sorry, but I bolted during 4th period because I didn’t want to listen to the fallout.”

  I could tell he was depressed. I messaged back, “I understand completely. Breakups are always complicated. The gossip got pretty intense. I feel really bad for both of you.” There was no response, which had me worried. I thought I had upset him by bringing it up. All of a sudden his response popped up. “Can I come over to talk?” Holy fuck, I said to myself as I stared at the screen. I couldn’t type “Of course you can” fast enough. “Do you know where I live?” I asked.

  “I think on 73rd, right?”

  “Yeah, between Columbus and Central Park West.” I gave him my address and penthouse number. It was almost eleven when the front desk called to say that Cody was in the lobby. My mother answered the phone before I could get to it, and she wasn’t happy. “Jayden, this is a school night. You know you should not have guests over so late in the evening.”

  “I know, but this is kind of an emergency,” I explained.

  She gave me a curious look and then smiled. “I understand. Just make sure your friend doesn’t stay too long.”

  “Thank you for understanding. This is important.”

  I made a quick beeline to the bathroom to make sure my hair looked good and I smelled nice. I was trying my best not to think about him in a crush way, but hey, he’s just too cute. Five minutes later Cody was in my bedroom. Ohmygod, we were alone in my bedroom! Oh, the fantasies that were going on in my mind, but honestly, I didn’t let on for a second and was as angelic as a choir boy. I just wanted to be there for him as a friend.

  “Thanks for letting me come over,” Cody said. He definitely looked nervous as he looked around my room. I kind of panicked a little because my bedroom is slightly gay looking. No, let me rephrase that, it’s really gay looking, so I hoped he wouldn’t freak out.

  “I’m glad you came over. I was worried about you. So, how are you holding up?”

  “I’ve definitely been better. It’s been an emotional day, but I know I did the right thing.”

  I tried to reassure him. “You can’t listen to all the gossip, you know what’s true. Just trust your own feelings and forget about the white noise. And know that you have friends who care about you. I hope you consider me a friend.”

  “Yeah, I do. Jamie is always talking about you, so I feel like I know you pretty well. He says that he goes to you for advice whenever he’s feeling frustrated or depressed, so that’s why I wanted to talk to you. I know you won’t judge me.”

  “That’s nice of you to say. Jamie and I talk all the time. We’ve helped each other out endless times. We’ve been friends forever, and I’ve never judged him. So please know that I would never judge you.”

  Cody looked so lost, so sad, as he fidgeted with his hands. “Thanks, I appreciate that . . . I think you’re a very cool guy,” he said, without looking at me.

  “Awe . . . Thanks. I think you are too.”

  He got quiet at that point, so I did my best to be patient. We were standing in the middle of my room just inches apart, and well, it was kind of awkward. I finally got my shit together and invited him to have a seat. He plopped down on the sofa, and I made myself comfy on my overstuffed leather chair. I let my legs dangle over the armrest while casually looking around my room so we wouldn’t have to make eye contact. I did that because I knew he felt uncomfortable being alone with me, a very gay boy, in my very gay bedroom.

  For some reason I started thinking about his jock friends, and that sent shivers down my spine. Cody has a stellar rep as the consummate hetero athlete, so I knew if they ever found out that he was hanging around with me, the gay rumor mill would explode like a supernova, and I’d probably get the shit beat out of me.

  A moment later I heard Cody’s voice, which brought me out of that nightmarish scenario. “Your bedroom is awesome.”

  “Thanks. My mom let me go wild decorating it. She even let me get every toy I wanted.”

  He was nervous. I was nervous. Small talk was good. I didn’t want to say anything that would make him bolt, so I played it safe. “Do you want to listen to some music?”

  “Sure.”

  I went over to my desk and pulled up iTunes on my iPad. I don’t know if I was fantasizing or not, by I swear I could feel Cody’s eyes on me while I was pulling up some songs. It made my skin tingle and heart race at the thought of his gorgeous eyes checking me out.

  “Do you like Five Seconds of Summer?” I asked.

  “Yeah. Anything you like is good with me.”

  “Cool.” I sat back down and decided to let him dictate how the conversation would proceed. Sometimes people who are hurting just want someone who will listen. Cody talked softly. “I couldn’t believe all of those bullshit stories going around school today. People saying I was cheating, that Leah was cheating, that I have three girlfriends at different schools. Where does this shit come from?”

  “I guess people love to gossip. A lot people enjoy other people’s pain. Some even thrive on it because they have no life of their own. It’s sad.”

  “Yeah, for sure. Breaking up with Leah was pretty intense at first, but at least we kept talking, and in the end, I think she understood where I was coming from. I know she’ll tell her friends what really happened
. I’m not worried about that. I just feel really lost right now. I feel like I’ve lost an important part of my life . . . you know what I mean?”

  “I think so. Leaving a relationship is hard. Trying new things is scary. But from my experience, the scary feelings, and feelings of loss, allows a person to eventually move on. To begin brand new. After Zack broke up with me I wandered around the city all day in an emotional daze. But by the end of the day I was able to put most of it into perspective. I realized that he was way too jealous, and I was pretending to be someone I wasn’t so I wouldn’t upset him. I was blinded by false love. You’ve done the right thing by being honest with Leah. Whatever it is you’re trying to figure out is worth all of the emotional uncertainty you’re experiencing right now.”

  “You’re right. And I know it is going to take some time to figure things out.” Cody looked so sad, which made me feel sad.

  Fortunately, we ended up talking about a lot of different topics, which allowed us to get to know each other better. We talked about the endless school drama, our dream colleges, sports, modeling, and surprisingly, he wanted to know what it felt like to be openly gay. I didn’t know if he was just trying to be nice by asking, but his questions made my gaydar go off like a nuclear explosion. It was a tricky conversation because I didn’t want to scare him or make him feel uncomfortable, especially if he was questioning.

  We eventually made our way to the kitchen to make a snack and then went back to my bedroom to watch a movie called The Way He Looks. I love this movie. It’s about this gay blind guy who falls in love with his best friend who is supposedly straight, and end up together.

  Cody and I were both sprawled out on the couch watching, and I discreetly looked at him out of the corner of my eye to see his reaction to watching a gay film. He seemed to really like it by the look on his face.

  After the movie was over we started talking about general stuff again. The lights were low and we were both sort of staring at the ceiling as we talked. It was nice. It eventually got quiet, that is until I heard a low snoring sound. Cody had fallen asleep. I didn’t want to wake him up and shoo him home, so I let him sleep. Then, I don’t know what happened. I must have fallen asleep too, because I was woken up to a persistent knocking on my door, and my mother’s voice. “Jayden, it’s time to get ready for school.”