Kitty Katt 14: Alien Nation

by Gini Koch

  “Oh, but I do, I really and truly do. Unless we all work together, faster than we ever have before, what’s chasing the people fleeing here for protection will destroy us. Ergo, I’m going for more than a tad extreme—I’m going Full Monty Extreme, and if you don’t like it, then it point-blank sucks to be you, because I refuse to allow your clucking over meaningless crap to be the reason I, my husband, our nation, and our world aren’t ready for the biggest test we’ve ever had.”

  “And in this test,” Jeff said, “failure means the death of every living soul on this planet. So, should anyone else feel that Kitty’s overstating things, you can feel free to get the hell out. I want solutions and actionable plans, not roadblocks.”

  No one moved, no one spoke. Wondered if everyone was taking my sales wisdom to heart or if we’d just scared the crap out of them. Kind of hoped it was the latter, but was unwilling to bet on it.

  McMillan cleared his throat, breaking the tense silence. “I’ll send out the call to the Senate.”

  “And I will send the call to the House,” Nathalie Gagnon-Brewer added quickly. “I have more influence as Secretary of Transportation than I did as a Representative.” She looked at the other Cabinet members, who all nodded and said they’d help with calling all the various congresspeople.

  “I’ll get the military on high alert, but with the admonition that we cannot fire on these people,” Uncle Mort said. “However, we’ll need to have Jeff involved in all of that, because we’re going to have a lot of pushback.”

  “Tell them that it didn’t work when the Z’porrah invaded the last time, and it won’t work now,” I suggested. Of course, it hadn’t worked because of ACE. Had no idea if ACE could or should do that again—he’d been harmed by all he’d had to do, and I didn’t want him that near to his version of death again, let alone risking Jamie.

  Jeff nodded. “Whatever we need to do, Mort, let’s make it happen, because I don’t want us firing on innocents.”

  “I don’t want us wasting firepower we’re going to need the moment the Aicirtap arrive. With the Z’porrah fleet coming merrily behind them.”

  “Kitty’s point is the key one,” Chuckie said to Uncle Mort. “Make sure you make it clear that we do have enemies arriving, they’re just coming a little later than the friendlies who are fleeing from them.”

  “Guy, Thomas, and I will also make calls,” Lillian Culver said. “I can guarantee that you’ll have a full Congress before midnight.”

  “We will contact the Cleophese,” Bettini, the Head Spokespenguin for the Shantanu, said. “If they are willing to come, they will make formidable shock troops. However, it will take them time to arrive as they cannot travel as the rest of us do.”

  “Even one Cleophese would be a huge help. More would be wonderful.” Terrifying, since they looked like Cthulhu and his pals, but they’d helped us repel the Z’porrah from the Alpha Centauri system and that meant they could do it again.

  “We will have the rest of our system on alert and ready to fight,” Alexander said. The rest of the Planetary Council nodded. “Our ships can arrive quickly so we can hold them until such time as Earth is prepared for support to arrive.”

  “And that is why I like to work with all of you.”

  “However, you can’t leave the Alpha Centauri system unguarded,” Chuckie said. “Because the Z’porrah could easily make a detour and take over your system if all of your fighting forces are here, protecting Earth against the Aicirtap.” He jerked. “Oh. Oh no.”

  He and I looked at each other. “Crap. That’s exactly what they’re going to do, isn’t it?”

  “It’s a sound strategy,” Uncle Mort said. “Meaning that we can’t actually have the backup just discussed. The Z’porrah taking over the Alpha Centauri system is no more desirable than them taking over ours.”

  Looked at Wruck and the Turleens. “We need a rundown on all the races that are coming. Full workups, starting with what they look like, what they eat and drink, how they reproduce, what their political structure is, who they like and who they hate in the Greater Galactic Community, and anything else you can think of, specifically which of them can and are willing to fight, and how they do so. John, I don’t care if your data is out of date—it’s still more than any of us on Earth have.”

  “Translated into every language we can,” Chuckie added. “Because we’ll need to advise the other world leaders of what’s going on and they’ll need the same information.”

  “We can do that,” Dew said. “We have a star manual that already has most of this information in it.”

  “There is one issue,” Muddy said. “As soon as the Themnir land they will request to meet with you. And you will not be together.”

  “Means we can meet more of them as opposed to less of them, because we know they’re not all going to land in the same place. We call that a win-win. And before you argue that one, Muddy, trust me when I say that I need to get to the Middle East.”

  “Will the Themnir have anyone else on their ship?” Chuckie asked Wruck.

  “Unlikely.” Wruck sighed. “I’d hoped they wouldn’t be the first ones to arrive.”

  That got the room’s attention. “Why?” Jeff asked, Commander in Chief Voice on Full.

  “Not for any bad reason,” Wruck said. “Only . . . to humans . . . well . . .” He looked at the Turleens for confirmation.

  Muddy nodded. “I agree, but hopefully they can adapt.”

  “Well what?” I asked. “And adapt to what, whom, or how?”

  Wruck heaved a sigh. “To humans the Themnir will look like giant slugs.”

  CHAPTER 48

  LET THAT ONE SIT on the air for a bit. “Excuse me?” I asked finally.

  “Humanoid slugs with limbs,” Wruck confirmed.

  Couldn’t stop myself, I had to ask. “Squishy limbs?”

  “Slimy, too,” Muddy said. “They are a very peaceful race dedicated to the arts.”

  “Oh. Good.” Risked a look around the room. Sure enough, every human and Earth A-C now looked shocked-to-horrified. We were really batting a thousand on the shockeroonies tonight. “Um, yeah, John. I get why you were hoping they wouldn’t be the first to arrive.”

  “The Faradawn resemble willow trees and similar and are quite a lovely race, but the Themnir are very decent people,” Wruck said, sounding like he was about to try to start selling us on why our cousins should consider the Themnirs’ great personalities and overlook that they weren’t pretty on the blind date he was setting them up on.

  “I’m sure that we’ll manage to treat them as we treat all races we’ve met,” Jeff said, clearly in agreement that our cousins should marry the nice Themnirs instead of pinning their hopes on the pretty but flighty tree people.

  “Well, the giant walking honeybees are coming, too, right? That’s what the Lyssara are, correct?” Risked another look. Apparently honeybees were right up there with slugs in terms of what our assembled folks wanted to get up close and personal with.

  “Yes,” Wruck admitted.

  “I’m sure they’re great, too,” I said quickly, before he could try to fix up those dead set against dating a giant slug with a giant bee person as their alternative. “The Planetary Council has been met with what I’d be willing to call casual acceptance. I’m sure these others will be, as well.”

  “I wouldn’t say that, necessarily,” Alexander said carefully.

  “It’s easier for us, we look like giant cats,” Felicia the Feliniad said.

  “And giant dogs,” Wahoa the Canus Majorian added.

  “And we Iguanadons are like your lizards,” Jareen the Reptilian said. “The Shantanu are penguins and King Benny is an otter, two animals I’ve come to understand humans find completely adorable. Lakin is a Hawkman and so might be considered attractive by humanity. However, not everyone on this planet thinks lizards are great. Trust me when I
say that I’ve had my share of people looking at me and then running away.”

  “Okay! So sometimes it takes humanity a while to warm up to people who look different from us. But overall, we’ve managed it.”

  “With limited exposure and success,” Queen Renata of the Less Pissed Off Daily Amazons said. “I am quite happy that my daughters and I are able to shapeshift into what humans find acceptable.”

  “It doesn’t matter,” Mom said. She said it in a way I was used to—her “I’m done listening to you whine, you will do what I said and you will do it now” voice. I’d heard this voice a lot growing up, and it was a voice you did not argue with.

  Showing their intelligence, the Planetary Council subsided.

  Mom glared at the room. “In a few hours humanity is going to be reminded, once again, that we’re not alone in the galaxy. Despite having been attacked by hostile aliens and subsequently saved by other aliens, having a contingent of visiting aliens on the planet for the past several weeks, and learning that we’ve had aliens living here for decades, most of humanity has chosen to do what they always do when faced with something difficult to comprehend or accept—ignore it.”

  Chuckie snorted a laugh. “That’s so damn true.”

  Mom shot him a fond smile, then turned back to the rest of the room. “The issue isn’t that we have aliens that look like giant garden pests coming. The issue is that only the people in this room are aware of what’s coming. So, we solve that issue by doing exactly what Kitty said to do—get Congress and the rest of the Washington Political Machine to do some damn work for a change, no offense meant to present company.”

  “Oh, none taken,” McMillan said with a laugh that was shared by the rest of Jeff’s Cabinet.

  “We’ll have Jeff here,” Mom went on, “looking amazingly Presidential, standing guard against the invading hordes, and have Kitty go around the world to share why cohesion is in everyone’s best interests. Anyone not excited by those plans need not worry. By my guess, within a few hours things will have changed again and we’ll have to adapt again. And, the mere fact that we’re all sitting here—alive and well, despite what seems like constant invasion and world domination attempts made by aliens and our own homegrown lunatics—is proof enough for me that the people who need to handle this are the exact ones who are doing so.”

  “In other words, I’m here to look good while Kitty does the actual work,” Jeff said, easily at nine on the sarcasm meter.

  Mom shrugged. “Your words. We each play to our strengths, Jeff.” Mom looked at Antoinette. “You have a choice. You can work with the First Lady to get her very complex and fast-moving tour arranged, and accept that most of your plans will be shattered immediately if not sooner, or you can stay with the President, assisting him with the various protocol intricacies that are going to hit him from all sides.”

  “Ah . . .” Antoinette seemed at a loss.

  “I won’t be offended if you choose to help the President,” I told her. “At all. Nor will I be pissed off if you decide you’re helping me. If you want my vote, though, I say you stay here with Jeff, because what will be coming at me I’m used to, but what’s heading for him is new territory for all.”

  Jeff and Chuckie both shot me suspicious looks. Might have sounded far too confident about what was supposed to be a diplomatic mission.

  Antoinette saved me, though. “Honestly, I think I should be going with you.”

  Saw a couple of jaws drop in the room. “Why so?”

  “What’s coming for the President is indeed something none of us have experience with. However, I have a great deal of experience with what you’re going to be doing. I believe I’ll be more of an asset with you than with the President. In this instance.”

  “Huh. Well, welcome to Team Diplomacy, Antoinette. We’re probably leaving at dawn, based on how things are looking.”

  “My first suggestion would be that some of the Planetary Council members who don’t look like humans should go with us. As well as one of the Turleens. And, if they land before we leave, one of the Themnir, as well.” The entire room stared at her. Had to give it to Antoinette—she had the moxie when it mattered.

  “Again, why so?”

  She smiled at me. “I believe that the representative from Beta Thirteen is correct—humans are afraid of many things that don’t look like us or versions of animals we find cuddly. So, let’s allow these leaders to meet the aliens we already know are our friends, cuddly or not.” She shrugged. “It’s what we would have done if President Armstrong hadn’t been murdered. The turmoil caused by the attack that killed him and so many others hasn’t allowed us time to do this before now.”

  I was all for this, and not just because I hadn’t gotten to spend any real time with Jareen or the others, half of whom had been in my wedding. Basically, Antoinette was asking for us to bring some major butt-kickers along. Butt-kickers I knew would be all for helping me enact Mission: Stop The Mastermind Permanently.

  “Awesome spin, you’re definitely hired.” Looked at Mom. “You okay with that?”

  She nodded. “I am, and I agree with the Chief Usher’s assessments as well.”

  “Then let’s get the world party started. We’re burning moonlight and have no time to waste.”

  “You just want to be gone before the Themnir get here,” Jeff said to me as the rest of the room leaped into action.

  “You don’t know me.”

  “Hah. I know you too well.” He took my hand. “Just promise me that, when things get bad, you’ll call me or send me an emotional signal. I don’t like you going into action without me, baby, you know that.”

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  Jeff laughed. “And you say that I’m the one who can’t lie.”

  CHAPTER 49

  JEFF WAS GOING TO BE addressing Congress in their emergency session. His entire Cabinet were going as well, along with Mom, Raj, Chuckie, and Serene. He also had the lobbyists, Muddy and anyone from the Planetary Council who weren’t on my team, plus the majority of the military, including the flyboys. So, basically half of the room.

  The other half was with me. Thankfully we were the Loud and Proud Contingent, because stealth was out of the question.

  We’d coordinated as much as we could with Gower, then he’d gotten off the phone to do his own kind of wrangling. My gigantic entourage was busy prepping—making copies of the Turleen’s star chart, doing translations, and doing whatever Antoinette and Vance felt was necessary in terms of where we were going. Chose to leave most of this to them—I’d do what they told me when it mattered, but otherwise, I was focused on my real job, which was finding and stopping Cliff.

  I’d been given one member of the military—Butler. “I’m the most expendable,” he explained. “And I’ve been able to download information as well. I have comprehensive military knowledge, and can speak and read every language in the world now.”

  “Wow. John, that’s kind of awesome.”

  He gave me a sad smile. “Not as awesome as being fully human, but there are perks. This is my first important mission since . . . my transition. I hope to reward your faith in me.”

  Didn’t think about it, just gave him a hug. “You did that yourself. I helped and Chuckie and the others helped, too, but the manual override was all you.”

  He looked surprised, but hugged me back, very gently. “Thank you. I’ll do whatever you need. By the way, Mister Reynolds told me to be aware that you probably have an agenda that isn’t being shared with the general group and asked me to tell you to please include me in whatever, and I quote, insane commando idea you’re planning.”

  “Gosh, duly noted.” Would have said that I hated that both Jeff and Chuckie knew me this well, but reality said that if they already kind of knew, then I wasn’t lying to them. Moral quandary solved.

  Jeff grabbed me and we stepped ou
t of the LSR for a few moments. We spent the time making out, which was fine with me. “Come back to me safely,” Jeff said, as he stroked my face. “That’s all I’m asking. I don’t care about the rest of the world if you’re not in it.”

  Leaned my head on his chest and let his double heartbeats soothe me. “I’ll do my best, Jeff. I promise.”

  “Then everything will turn out just fine.” He kissed the top of my head. “Your mother feels that, under the circumstances, the kids need to stay here. And by here I mean in the Embassy, under lockdown, with their full security details with them twenty-four-seven.”

  “I’ll take the Worst Mother of the Year hit on that, because I think they’ll be safer here than with me.”

  Jeff heaved a sigh. “I’m not sure if anyplace will be safe. If the Aicirtap are what Muddy’s said they are, we’re in for a world of hurt.”

  “We’ll handle it. We always do.” Looked up at him. “So, technically, you really are the king of the world. Did you know your dad abdicated?”

  “No one tells me anything, my parents least of all, so no.” Jeff managed a small grin. “You chose well, baby, when you put Alexander on the throne. I do know that.”

  “Chose even better when I picked you.”

  “I feel exactly the same way.”

  We spent a couple more minutes making out. Then duty called and we went back into the LSR. Jeff and his team took a floater gate over to Capitol Hill. The room seemed normally full now.

  “You need to get some rest,” Antoinette said to me. “You look tired, and I’m sure you are. You’re the face of this entire operation, so do yourself and the mission a favor and catch a few winks.”

  “I want to see my children before we leave. They might be up, they’re having a slumber party.”

  “I’ve already contacted their nanny. They’re all in bed asleep, even your ward, but the nanny will wake them when I call her to tell her that we’re ready to leave. You’ll see them then. Right now, you need to focus on you.”