by Ella Edon
As if she read her mind, Lady Warwick said in a gentle tone, “All you have to think about is whether you are happy when you are with Jerome. If you are, then you have nothing else to worry about. All that matters is your own happiness, does it not?”
All that matters is my happiness…
Such simple words and yet Louisa could not see what it meant until now. Yes, she was happy with Jerome. She could relax with him, could forget her trauma and pain and simply live. She could explore unknown desires she’d never thought possible—without the fear that he would harm her or take advantage. It did not matter if it was love or not. It should not matter that she was beginning to rely on him. What mattered was whether she was happy or not.
“Thank you, Mother,” Louisa said softly as she rose. “You have given me a lot to think about.”
“That is what I am here for.” Lady Warwick stood as well and enveloped Louisa in a warm hug.
Louisa forced a smile onto her face and nodded. “I shall retire to my bedchambers. It has been a long morning.”
“I imagine it has been.” Lady Warwick said with genuine concern for her eldest daughter.
With that said, she turned and made her way out of the library.
Her thoughts remained on the conversation. She had been happy. And if she was happy with Jerome, then what use was there fighting it?
Even so, that left one remaining question: could it really be that easy?
Chapter Twenty-Six
It had been three days since Louisa left, and Jerome had not slept since.
For the most part, he spent his time in his study, working from morning to morning and only eating because he had to. He had to rid himself of all thoughts of Louisa, but even as he buried himself in his work, that was an impossible feat.
He dragged his hand through his hair, resisting the urge to yawn. Jerome gripped the letter in his hand more firmly, trying to read the words he’d been struggling to make out for the past few minutes. The words danced across the paper, blurring right before him. He rubbed his eyes, but it didn’t help his vision in the slightest.
With an annoyed grunt, he tossed the letter aside and leaned back in his chair, rubbing his hands over his face. He didn’t want to close his eyes because when he did, he thought of Louisa. And when he thought of Louisa, he pictured the shock and hurt in her eyes when he’d sent her away. It bothered him to no end.
The knock on the door of his study pulled his mind away for a moment. “Enter,” Jerome ordered gruffly.
Samson slipped into the room and approached his desk. “Good morning, Mr. Cooper. Would you like for me to have your breakfast brought to your study?”
Morning? Jerome frowned, glancing out the window. He hadn’t even noticed that he was no longer working by candlelight. He sighed, shaking his head. “There is no need.”
“You did not have dinner, Mr. Cooper,” Samson said. “Are you certain it is a wise idea to forgo breaking your fast as well?”
“I ate yesterday, I will be fine.” Jerome picked up the letter again. But the slight reprieve had not made it any easier to read. He struggled for a few seconds before he noticed that Samson was still watching him. “What is it?” he asked the butler.
“I am concerned for your health, Mr. Cooper,” Samson said, though his expression did not move. “You are not eating and it is clear that you have not slept. You have been like this since Lady Louisa left the manor.”
Jerome was too surprised to be annoyed. “Are you meddling in my affairs, Samson?” he asked.
Samson shook his head. “I am merely expressing my worry for you. If you continue like this, it will only lead to your detriment.”
A retort rushed to the tip of Jerome’s tongue, but he swallowed it. There was no reason to take out his frustrations on Samson. “Very well, then. Bring my breakfast. Surely that will ease your mind.”
Jerome had expected Samson to nod and do as he was told, but the butler did not move from his spot. He stood as rigid as a pole as he said, “For a moment, it will. But I believe that until you have sorted through the issues that have brought this on, I will only have more cause to worry in the future.” And then he nodded respectfully. “I shall have your breakfast brought to you right away.”
Jerome stared at the retreating form of his butler, his jaw slack. He must truly be in a deplorable state if it would bring Samson to comment on him like that. Jerome turned his gaze out the window, feeling exhaustion linger behind his eyes. He must look like quite the mess.
There is one woman to thank for that.
She haunted not only his thoughts but this manor. He saw her everywhere and, at nights, Jerome had to resist the urge to go to her bedchamber, if only to see what she might have left behind. He kept telling himself that she was not dead, that she was simply residing in another household and, if wished, he could visit her. But when he thought of how she’d purposely cut through him with her words, he couldn’t bring himself to.
Get yourself together, Jerome. He stood, patting his face to chase the grogginess away. You were quite fine without her, so you will not die while she is not here. You need only move on with your life.
Only he had not been in love back then. Before he came to know Louisa, he’d only had himself, had only occupied himself doing whatever he needed to get ahead in life. Now, every move he made was taken with her in mind. She was the reason he smiled lately, the reminder that there was good in this world and that he could truly have beautiful things. He only wished he could make him love her.
Jerome wandered over to the window, thinking on what Samson had said. Surely he did not intend to let this go on for much longer? With no sleep and barely eating? Would he truly allow Louisa to affect him that much?
The thought of truly losing her made him feel that much worse.
When Samson returned, Jerome’s appetite had returned with him. He thanked Samson for the food and ordered a bath and the carriage prepared while he ate. Then, alone once more, he downed what he could and chased away the hunger pains with a cup of tea.
He’d planned to keep his distance from Louisa for now. He’d hoped that, in the time they were apart, she would come to regret her words. Every time Samson knocked on the door of his study, Jerome’s heart would begin to race wondering if he was bringing news of Louisa’s return. But now he knew it was better to take matters into his own hands.
Once he was finished eating, he headed up to his bedchamber. He bathed quickly, washing the grime, sadness, and longing from his skin before quickly getting dressed. The food gave him the energy he had been lacking and now, as he made his way to the front doors, he no longer felt that burdensome exhaustion pressing down on him.
“To Rutherford Manor,” he ordered the coachman before climbing in.
If he could not get through to Louisa on his own, then perhaps the person closest to her would know how to.
The trip to Rutherford Manor took far too long for Jerome’s mounting impatience. He was already formulating a plan in his mind, driven by the desperate need to see Louisa again. Perhaps he was foolish for acting like this after all she’d said and done, but he was in love. He supposed that gave him all the excuse he needed to act as if he’d lost his common sense.
The butler announced his presence and showed him to the drawing room where Charlotte sat enjoying a cup of tea. She looked surprised by the sight of him. “You are alone? I thought Louisa would have been with you.”
“Unfortunately, she is unable to be here today,” Jerome said as he went to sit on the chaise lounge across from her. “It is good to see you again, Charlotte.”
“I am happy to see you as well,” she greeted, though confusion still shadowed her brown eyes. “Are you here to speak with Kenneth?”
“No, I will speak with him another time. I came to see you.”
“Me? Whatever for?”
“To put it bluntly, I would like to ask about Louisa.”
Charlotte blinked. She gently rested her cup and saucer on the t
able before her and looked back at him, studying his face. Jerome didn’t bother to hide how earnestly he needed to know this information. He wanted her to see how serious he was, so that he could learn everything he needed to know.
“That is quite a broad statement, Jerome,” Charlotte said after a moment. “Perhaps you could tell me what exactly you would like to know about Louisa?”
There were so many things, but he could learn them in time. For now, only one question stood out to him. “She has nightmares. Though they subside sometimes, I know they haunt her often. She will not tell me the cause of them. Which is why I came here to you.”
Charlotte shook her head and Jerome’s hopes deflated instantly. “I am quite close to her and yet even I do not understand the way she thinks at times. Something must have happened when she was younger—”
Charlotte looked distressed. She pushed her spectacles further up her nose. “Mind you, I am not very certain about what I am about to say but…”
“Tell me,” he urged, coming to the edge of his seat. “Anything will help.”
“She had always been quite high-spirited, and like many young girls she longed for the day she would debut in society. But suddenly, I believe when she was about seven, she grew withdrawn. She would refuse to leave her bedchamber, would hardly eat. And when I would go to her bedchamber at night to be with her, I would sometimes hear her crying.”
Charlotte’s eyes filled with tears as she spoke. Jerome felt his own chest cave in at the thought of a young girl with a head of blond ringlets crying in her bed at nights.
“I do not know what it is that brought on such a sudden change,” Charlotte went on, blinking her tears away. “And she slowly grew back into herself after a while. But ever since then, she’s been far more headstrong and would always speak against being married. Even though she would say it all the time, our mother would not take her seriously, believing she would grow out of her tantrums. But Louisa maintained that position…up until recently, of course. I believe something traumatic must have happened to her.”
“Do you have any idea what it might be?” Jerome asked. “Have you asked her about it before?”
“When I asked her why she was so against marriage, she would never give me a straight answer. At most, she would say that men are ruthless creatures who only take what they want without caring about others. Once, she got so upset that I was afraid she might do something, but it passed after a moment.” Charlotte shook her head sadly. “I have never pushed further than that, unfortunately. In truth, I was a bit afraid of what she might tell me if I did.” She lifted her teary eyes to him. “Can I ask you one thing, Jerome?”
“What is that?”
“Have you told her how you feel about her?”
He thought about it for a moment before he answered. “She knows that I care deeply for her.”
Charlotte was already shaking her head before he could finish his sentence. “That is not what I mean. I care deeply for my sisters. I care deeply for my parents. I care deeply for the governess who cares for my children. Those are all different feelings that do not necessarily mean romantic love. I mean, have you told her you love her?”
Jerome blinked at her and Charlotte giggled.
“You rush in here with such urgency asking why Louisa is so determined to push you away and you are surprised that I know of your feelings?” she asked.
“I…did not realize I was being so obvious,” he admitted. But he had no qualms with baring such emotions to Charlotte. He was glad to call her a friend. “I am afraid I have not had the courage to tell her, exactly. I’d hoped to wait until she’d grown more comfortable with her own emotions first.”
“I find that with Louisa, it is best to be honest from the very beginning. She respects anyone that can match her.”
“You’re right,” he said as he stood. He could only hope that she could forgive his omission of his need for an heir and accept his feelings for her. But conviction filled him. “I will go to her”
“I would suggest it,” Charlotte said with a giggle, also rising. “Allow me to walk with you.” Together, they left the drawing room and made their way back to the foyer. Coming to a stop, Charlotte said, “Have courage, Jerome. You are a strong man and you will need every bit of it to let my sister see the error of her ways.”
Jerome smiled and nodded then took his leave. There was a pep in his step now, pushing him into a near jog as he went back to the carriage. Now he had to find Louisa, and he had to bring her home.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
A chill rushed through Louisa even though it was very sunny outside. She paused along the trail she’d taken in the Warwick gardens, lifting her hand to her shoulders. She’d decided to go for a walk to clear her head, but instead, she was being bombarded by the memories she associated with this place.
Guilt rose up to choke her. Louisa shook her head, as if she could shake away what had happened all those years ago, and continued along. Lady Warwick and Selina had left for a carriage ride after a potential suitor had called upon Selina a few hours ago and Tereza was probably with her horses. The Earl of Warwick was somewhere in the manor. As for Uncle Benjamin…well, Louisa hoped he was not nearby. She wanted to be alone and he was the last person she cared to see.
As she set out on a path through the rows of hedges, she focused on the things her mother had told her. What do I want?
The answer came instantly: Jerome. She wanted to be with him, to share his bed and his life. To laugh and talk and pretend as if the world outside their manor did not exist. She…she wanted to bear his children, wanted to raise a family with him, to love children who shared his lovely features. Even as the thoughts rushed through her head, even as it shocked her into stopping for a moment, Louisa could not deny the truth in them. Right now, Jerome was the only thing she wanted.
Then what was she so afraid of? Louisa knew that answer as well. She was afraid of being hurt. She was afraid of letting her guard down only to find that all men were truly the same and that he had tricked her with sweet words and a gentle tone. She was afraid of putting herself in a situation that would bring up all the pain from all those years ago. It would be too painful putting herself back together after that. As strong as she believed she was, Louisa did not know if that would be possible.
Above all, she was afraid that he would find out the truth about her—about what she’d done that day. If he were to figure it out, he would only look at her with disgust.
She sighed, lifting her hand to run along the bushes to the side of her, an idle movement. She turned down another path, heading towards the tree that held the large swing she used to play on when she was child.
Arriving at the tree, she turned her back to the manor and sat on the swing. It was how she used to play when she was a child, preferring to swing towards the open sky as if she could break away and be free rather than contained by the imposing manor. She held on to the rope, letting herself sway back and forth as her mind whirred.
She could tell him how she felt. Now there was no longer denying it. She was truly in love. That was the only way she could explain all the needs rising in her, the longing to create a beautiful and happy family with this man. She loved him and she wanted to spend the rest of her life in his arms. Perhaps if she told him that, it would lead to her overcoming her fear? After all, he’d helped to chase away the nightmares. Even without him here, she’d slept without nightmares, as if he’d given her a part of himself that would remain as her protection forever.
Perhaps, if loved her too, he would be willing to forgive her transgressions? For the first time in a while, hope spread through her chest. If she were to bare her soul to him, would he really look favorably upon her?
Goodness, Louisa, you will not know if you linger around here feeling sorry for yourself, she chided herself. Go back home and tell him how you feel!
Louisa shot to her feet, curling her hands into fists. Her usual bravery melted away considering what she was planni
ng to do, but she knew she could not back down. If she wanted to have a chance at happiness, she had to do whatever she could to keep them together.
Louisa swiveled on her feet and froze. Standing behind her was Uncle Benjamin wearing his usual unsettling smile. “At long last, Louisa,” he said. “I have you all alone.”
Jerome did not want to alarm the occupants of Warwick Manor, but he didn’t think he was doing a very good job when he was admitted into the foyer.
