Leaves

by Lucy Caldwell

  Poppy stands up.

  Poppy What shall I say?

  Phyllis Just say –

  David Tell her we’re waiting for her.

  Clover But – (She stops abruptly.)

  David What’s that, Clover?

  Clover No. Nothing.

  David Away you go, Poppy.

  Beat.

  Poppy leaves.

  Long silence.

  Nobody meets anyone else’s eye.

  Poppy comes back in.

  Beat.

  Poppy She says she’s not hungry.

  Beat.

  She says she’s sleeping.

  Phyllis (to David) She has had a long day.

  David We’ve all had a long day.

  Phyllis Sit down, Poppy.

  Beat.

  I’ll take some food up to her later.

  David You will not. That’s the worst possible thing you could do. The sooner things are back to normal the better.

  Clover Dad’s right, Mum.

  Beat.

  (Suddenly.) Remember how you used to say that if we didn’t eat our dinner you’d give it to us for breakfast, and if we didn’t eat it at breakfast you’d put it in a Tupperware container and make us take it into school for break time?

  She starts giggling.

  Sorry, I –

  Poppy Clover!

  Clover carries on giggling uncontrollably.

  Clover Sorry, I can’t /

  I can’t help it, I –

  Phyllis / Jesus wept.

  David Get a grip, Clover.

  Clover is inarticulate with giggles, almost crying.

  Poppy Mum –

  What’s the matter with Clover –?

  Clover!

  Stop it, Clover!

  Clover (stopping giggling as suddenly as she started) I never saw how me eating my dinner would help the starving babies.

  But of course me eating my dinner doesn’t help them – it’s a question of –

  Respect –

  She stands abruptly.

  Clover I need a glass of water.

  Phyllis Please, Clover –

  Poppy Stay and finish your dinner.

  Clover I need some fresh air.

  She leaves.

  Phyllis Is this how things are going to be?

  Beat.

  This can’t go on.

  Poppy Mum.

  Phyllis I can’t go on like this.

  David It hasn’t even started yet.

  Phyllis I know. If this is the way things are going to be –

  Is it too much to ask that a family sits down and eats together?

  I’m asking you, is that too much to ask?

  Silence.

  Act Two

  SCENE ONE

  The garden.

  That unreal time between night and the break of day in the early hours of the morning.

  It is cold and dark and frosty, but still and windless; it feels as if the garden is somehow suspended outside of time. The branches of the apple tree are black and twisted and spindly, like charred limbs. There is no moon, or, if there is, it is hidden.

  Lori is wandering, smoking.

  A light goes on in a downstairs window, casting a muted pool of light over the lawn, which dissolves into the shadows.

  If Lori notices the light, she does not react, or she does not care.

  A moment later, Phyllis comes out of the house.

  Phyllis You’re smoking.

  I didn’t know you smoked.

  Beat.

  Since when do you smoke?

  Lori does not reply.

  Well, it’s your body.

  But I’m –

  Beat.

  Just don’t do it in front of your sisters.

  They look up to you too much.

  Lori No they don’t.

  / Not any more.

  Phyllis Oh, they do, you know.

  Silence.

  And the way they – rushed home from school to see you, oh, they couldn’t wait to see you. And you wouldn’t even so much as look at them.

  Lori Mum – I couldn’t.

  How could I, Mum?

  Beat.

  Phyllis Well, you can’t lie in bed all day. It isn’t healthy. You’re not going to get better by lying in bed all day.

  Silence.

  What are you doing out here?

  Lori Having a cigarette.

  Phyllis I can see that.

  Lori Well then.

  Phyllis Lori –

  She stops herself.

  Beat.

  Will you come inside? You’ll catch your death.

  Beat.

  I didn’t mean –

  Silence.

  Come on, pet. It’s too cold to be outside.

  Lori Then go in.

  Phyllis Sorry?

  Lori If you’re cold, then / go in.

  Phyllis Lori –

  Lori I didn’t ask you to come outside.

  I’m not asking you to stay outside.

  So go in. If you’re cold then go in.

  I’m not cold.

  Phyllis Don’t be silly, of course you’re cold.

  Lori I’m not cold.

  Phyllis Of course you’re cold.

  Silence.

  It’s the middle of winter. It’s freezing. Of course you’re cold.

  Lori Is that what you want, Mum, do you want me to agree with you, is it? If I say that I’m cold – and I’m not – but if I say that I am, will you leave me alone?

  Beat.

  Mum – please.

  I just want to be alone.

  Will you leave me alone?

  Will you do that, Mum, will you leave me alone?

  Phyllis I will do anything for you, Lori, anything.

  But I’m not leaving you alone, not like this, not now.

  All right? Do you hear me?

  Silence.

  Lori I shouldn’t be here.

  Beat.

  Phyllis What?

  Lori Here in Belfast, I mean.

  Jesus.

  Silence.

  It’s all wrong, me being back here.

  Phyllis I know.

  Lori Then why did you bring me back here? Why couldn’t I, why couldn’t I – I don’t know – it’s wrong, Mum – why couldn’t I’ve stayed across the water?

  Phyllis For goodness sake, Lori –

  Lori No, I mean it, Mum, you shouldn’t have brought me back here.

  Phyllis And what were we supposed to do, eh, what were we supposed to do with you?

  Lori What were you supposed to do with me?

  Jesus, Mum.

  Phyllis I didn’t mean it like that.

  Lori What were you supposed to do with me?

  Phyllis For crying out loud, will you stop twisting my words around.

  Beat.

  I’m sorry.

  You’re ill.

  You don’t mean it.

  Lori Oh, Jesus, Mum –

  Would you not –

  Oh, Jesus, would you not –

  Phyllis Would I not? Would I not what?

  Beat.

  Would I not what, Lori?

  Lori Would you not –

  Would you not –

  Beat.

  I just want to be alone, Mum.

  Please.

  Phyllis What can I do, Lori?

  Lori Mum –

  Phyllis What are we going to do?

  Lori I –

  Phyllis Can you tell me that?

  What are we going to do?

  Where do we go from here, and how? How do we –

  Lori Mum, please, just leave it –

  Phyllis Where did we go wrong, Lori? Was it something we did or didn’t do? Because I’ve been trying and trying and I simply cannot understand –

  Lori This isn’t about you, Mum.

  Phyllis What?

  Lori I said / this isn’t –

  Phyllis I heard what you said, Lori –

  Lori Well then.


  Phyllis But I don’t understand –

  Lori It isn’t about you, Mum. It isn’t anything to do with you.

  Phyllis Well, Lori, I don’t know how you can say that because –

  Lori You’re embarrassed, aren’t you, Mum.

  See, you don’t even try to deny it.

  Phyllis Lori –

  Lori Too late, Mum it’s obvious, you’re embarrassed of me. Oh I can just imagine it, your, your coffee mornings, or golf, or book club, or whatever – ‘So how are your three, Phyllis?’ ‘Oh, my three are grand, well, two of them anyway, the other one tried to kill herself, bit embarrassing for all of us really’ –

  Phyllis You’re ill, Lori. You don’t know what you’re saying. This isn’t you talking.

  Silence.

  What happened to you, Lori?

  Did something bad happen to you over there?

  Lori No, Mum – listen – you can’t – there wasn’t any – one thing –

  Mum.

  Look, Mum –

  I think – thinking about it – I think it’s always been there, inside of me – the sadness – like a shadow – you know – and you can’t – you can’t – lose – your shadow you can’t – trick it away from you, or – or snip it off and bundle it into a drawer, you know? It’s not you, but it’s part of you, and –

  Don’t cry, Mum – Jesus –

  Mum, please –

  This is why, Mum –

  As Phyllis goes to hug her:

  Don’t touch me, Mum – please – go away from me – this is why I can’t – don’t you see – this is why I can’t –

  Phyllis How did we fail you?

  We fed, and clothed, and loved you – Christ we loved you – love you – love all of you – we read (past tense) stories to you at night – took you to the playground and pushed you on the swings – taught you to swim and to ride a bike – helped you with your homework, drove you to music lessons, to ice skating lessons, to your friends’ houses – and these sound like little things but they aren’t – we hoovered the monsters up from under the bed when you wouldn’t believe that they were gone – do you remember that? – laughed when you laughed, cried when you cried – were happy so long as you were happy – were happy whenever you were happy. You were everything to us. We did everything it was in our power to do for you. We gave you everything it was in our power to give to you.

  And I know that there have been times when – I mean not for one second am I saying that things have been in any way perfect, because of course there have been tears, and arguments, and –

  But – Lori – can you tell me – please can you tell me –

  Silence

  Lori does not say anything.

  Phyllis turns and walks away.

  (suddenly.) well if you’re not going to talk to me then let me tell you something, Lori.

  When you were born – (She chuckles despite herself.) – there was a woman in the bed across from me who’d just had twins. I can’t for the life of me remember her name, now. She was only a year or so older than I was, but they were her fourth and fifth, she had three others already, all under five I think – can you imagine! I didn’t for the life of me know how I was going to manage with just the one. With you. I was terrified. I was too scared to pick you up in case I dropped you. And one night I told this to your woman. And the following day she hatched a grand plan – and I don’t know how on earth she managed to persuade me to go along with it – but she did. She had lipstick and heated rollers in her overnight bag, and we dolled ourselves up, did our hair and what have you – and then when the nurses took the babies away to bath them, didn’t the two of us sneak out of the hospital and into the pub across the way. We had a Bloody Mary each, and your woman turns to me and says, you’re going to be all right, so you are, your baby’s not going to break. ‘Your baby’s not going to break.’

  Now why I’m telling you this, Lori, why I’m telling this to you –

  When we got back to the ward, visiting hour had begun, and your father was already there, and oh, he was furious with me for leaving you, absolutely furious. Anything could have happened, he said, anything – and I started crying, and – and I’m standing there, holding you, like this, just – looking at you, your fingers, and your toes, your eyelashes – everything about you, so – perfect, and I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve you, and I don’t know how I can ever, ever be – worthy of you. And all of a sudden I know that I would do anything for you. Anything. I will die for you, I will –

  And that’s something that never changes, something that never goes away, ever –

  Because there’s nothing that can break that bond, nothing, because – because I carried you inside of me, Lori, because – you were and are a part of me.

  Beat.

  Lori There’s nothing that you can do, Mum.

  Please, just – go. Just leave me alone.

  There’s nothing that you or anyone can do, or say, or, or be, that will make things all right again.

  Just –

  Beat.

  Don’t you see, Mum. Every single word you say makes things worse. Every word you say is another word that can’t be – unsaid –

  Look –

  I can’t bear to be near you, Mum. Do you hear me? I can’t bear to see you, I have nothing to say to you, I just want to be alone. I’m asking you, will you please just – leave me be?

  Long silence.

  Phyllis turns and walks a few steps away.

  Lori is motionless.

  After a while she lights another cigarette.

  Phyllis turns around and watches her.

  Lori does not look at her mother.

  Phyllis Are you actually going to smoke another one?

  Lori Dad smokes.

  Phyllis Well, that’s his business. Your father is an adult.

  Beat.

  Well, you’re not to smoke in the house, understood?

  And I’d rather you didn’t do it in front of me.

  Lori (suddenly stamping on her cigarette) Fine. I’m going to go in now.

  Phyllis What? But –

  But Lori has left in the direction of the house.

  Phyllis stands for a second, and shivers.

  She bends and picks up the cigarette butts that Lori has left behind.

  She holds them clenched in her fist.

  She stands for a second, and then goes in.

  SCENE TWO

  Lori’s room.

  Lori is sitting on her bed. The curtains are open.

  Poppy has just come in.

  Poppy Lori.

  Beat.

  You’re awake?

  I heard voices. Outside. And it was you and Mum. And then I heard you coming up the stairs. So I waited for a bit and I didn’t hear anything else but I just thought –

  I couldn’t sleep either, Lori. And I know Mum said not to disturb you and if you want to rest I’ll go away or if you want I can just sit here.

  Because I can’t sleep either. I didn’t want you to be on your own.

  And I wanted to give you this –

  I found it –

  It’s a tape –

  Shall we play it? We can turn the volume right down so it doesn’t wake anyone else up. Or if you like I’ll just leave it here and you can play it in the morning but I thought –

  I mean, we don’t have to but I just thought you might like to hear it because –

  Silence.

  Lori What is it.

  Poppy The tape?

  It’s –

  Can I play it?

  Silence.

  Poppy goes to the CD player, kneels down and puts the tape in. She rewinds it.

  Silence.

  She presses play.

  I think it’s this side but it might be the other.

  But the music starts: it is ‘The Skaters’ Waltz’ from Emile Waldteufel’s Les Patineurs (Opus 183).

  Poppy watches Lori.

  Lori does not cry.
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  The two sisters listen in silence.

  The music finishes, and Poppy stops the tape.

  There!

  Beat.

  Lori?

  Did you like it?

  It’s ‘The Skaters’ Waltz’.

  You know?

  It always used to be your favourite, didn’t it?

  Remember when you –

  Do you remember?

  Lori (slightly flatly) God.

  The last time I –

  Poppy Do you like it?

  Hearing it again, do you like hearing it?

  I thought you’d like it.

  I thought it would be – to hear it – a nice surprise?

  Was it, Lori? Was it a nice surprise?

  Beat.

  Lori Yeah.

  Poppy I missed you, Lori.

  I missed you a lot.

  And I’m glad you’re back.

  I mean –

  I’m not glad that –

  But I’m glad you’re back and things are going to be better now you’re back.

  Silence.

  Can I – come and sit on your bed?

  Beat.

  Lori (suddenly) Is Clovey up?

  Poppy What?

  I – don’t know.

  Lori Will you see? Will you see if she’s up, too?

  Poppy Shall I wake her up, if she isn’t?

  Lori I don’t know. No.

  Yeah. Maybe.

  Just – go and see, will you.

  Beat.

  Poppy turns and scampers out of the room.

  Lori stays motionless.

  Poppy and Clover come into the room and Poppy closes the door carefully behind them.

  Beat.

  Clover and Lori look at each other and Poppy looks from one to the other.

  Poppy She wasn’t awake but I woke her.

  Silence.

  Clover What did you want?

  Beat.

  Lori Nothing.

  Just –

  To see you.

  Clover You had all day to see us.

  I was asleep.

  Beat.

  Lori Go back to bed then.

  Clover There’s no point now.

  I’m awake now.

  Beat.

  You had all day to see us if you wanted to.

  We came home from school early.

  I skipped music practice. I’m meant to have a solo in the Christmas concert. It’s a big deal, Lori. And I lied to Mum about it and we came home early.

  You had all day.

  And Mum cooked dinner – a special dinner – special for you – and –

  Lori I’m sorry.

  Clover So you should be.

  Poppy Clovey?

  Clover (without taking her eyes off Lori) Yeah.

  Poppy Please don’t. We’re here now. We’re all here. It’s all right now.