The Annotated Archy and Mehitabel

by Don Marquis

  your literary slave no longer

  FEBRUARY 26

  Poetry Is

  Poetry is the chinking of a couple of unexpected coins in the shabby pocket of life.

  Poetry is a young deity who used to shake dice with Kit Marlowe to see who should pay for the next round.

  Poetry is a rather giddy young blighter Rudyard Kipling used to know.

  i could tell you what

  poetry is but

  why should i stir up

  feeling yours for

  vers d’archibald

  archy

  Poetry is a cast shoe from one of Apollo’s stallions. Societies and organizations pick it up and are just as likely to nail it onto a cow as onto a horse.

  MARCH 25

  Window Box War Gardens

  well boss i am

  going out of the shoe shining and

  typewriter cleaning business people

  arent spending as much

  money to have their shoes shined

  as before the war and they are

  economizing and cleaning

  their own typewriters or

  letting them stay gummed up i

  am now going in for making

  window box war gardens for

  apartment house dwellers i put my head

  down in the soil and revolve

  myself till i bore a hole to

  plant the seed and then i

  plant it and cover it up and my

  contract also calls for keep

  ing the weeds chewed off even with the surface

  of the soil i am working on

  the shares and hope to get enough to eat

  this spring and summer i cant say

  i ever got that much out of liter

  ature when i used to be one of your

  regular contributors yours till the

  kaiser comes to an huntimely end

  MARCH 30

  The Crippled Cockroach

  [In this column, Marquis’s character Fothergill Finch declares his intention to open a restaurant called The Golden Finch.]

  We also find on our desk the following communication from Archy:

  well boss i have just

  perused fothergill’s letter i

  think i will start a

  cafe of my own i have a

  lot of playmates who

  are familiar with the res

  taurant business in its most

  occult phases and i

  could depend upon them for

  attendance if not for col

  lections i shall call it the

  crippled cockroach and the

  motto shall be drop in boys the

  onion soup is fine the

  management will keep an eye

  on the hats and coats but

  refuse to be responsible

  for the food served this

  restaurant of mine will

  be different yours till

  they find a diet

  cure for the tropic of cancer

  MAY 24

  We Suspect Archy

  [In the “Sun Dial” column for April 5, Marquis announced his departure for a seven-week vacation. Upon his return, the column for May 24, under the title “Memoranda for a Gentleman Returning from His Vacation,” included, along with updates about damage to the office, this note:]

  Your typewriter fell off the desk one night and was broken in several new places. We suspect Archy.

  MAY 25

  Cockroachism

  a big brown cockroach

  came in to see me yesterday

  all flustered and

  exalted with a new win the

  war hunch archy he says

  i have the idea

  at last shoot little

  machiavelli i said archy he

  said will you be one

  of a hundred billion

  cockroaches to march into

  germany and eat every scrap of

  vegetation and every morsel

  of food the minute it is

  brought from russia just

  think he said growing more and

  more excited nothing could

  stop us nothing could

  hold us back neither trenches nor

  guns we could crawl through

  around under and over

  will you not put a piece in

  the sun dial seeking

  for transportation to europe what

  we want from you is

  publicity i will not i said

  slacker he cried pro german

  boche hun why will

  you not because i said if

  a hundred billion

  cockroaches crawled into

  germany the huns would

  say gott had sent them

  fresh meat and would live

  on them for a year i

  never thought of that he

  said a lot of you

  fellows with win the war

  schemes that yell pro german

  when they can’t get

  publicity have another think

  coming i said yours for

  constructive cockroachism

  MAY 28

  Named after the Washington Arch

  please deny for me

  that i was named

  for those anti

  aircraft guns on the west

  ern front they spell it

  archie1 i

  was named after

  the washington arch

  at the base of which my

  father and my

  mother first met and

  courted and i spell

  it with a y another one

  of those get peace quick

  fellows suggested to me

  that i eat poison and

  then go and die in

  the kaisers soup so he

  would perish

  shortly after nothing

  doing said i it

  would be usless to put poison

  in his meat he is

  the modern mithridates2 and

  they feed him

  noxious drugs by the

  handful to keep his

  hate up besides why

  allow the kaiser to die

  and escape the thing

  to do is to keep

  him intact uniform

  and all and make him

  run the elevator in a

  new temple of peace

  after the war yours

  for cruel and hun usual

  punishments

  MAY 31

  Aeroplane Mail

  Archy is clamoring to be sent to Washington by aeroplane mail. If we can get a motor to fit him we intend to turn him into an aeroplane and let him ramble.

  JUNE 4

  Assisting at a Suicide

  well boss i have just

  been assisting at a suicide i think the

  gentleman who killed himself was

  quite right in doing so too

  i went into the kitchen of an

  up town hotel the other

  evening for a bite to eat and after

  i had dined i thought

  i would look the place over and if

  i found a room that appealed to me i

  would spend the night there

  the room i got into was already

  infested by a little old bald headed fellow

  with scared eyes and a face like

  a petrified turnip who was

  hunched up under a reading lamp

  reading a

  bible all of a sudden he gave a

  jump and said gawd gawd there it

  is again and i saw a puff of

  smoke floating across the

  table in front of him it seemed to come

  from nowhere in particular smoke

  smoke cried the old man i am

  haunted by smoke and as

  he spoke another puff of smoke
<
br />   suddenly appeared from nowhere on

  the table in front of him

  gawd gawd he cried spare me spare

  me do not persecute me this way

  and i will give all the money to charity

  i will give it to the red

  cross or any church you

  may designate i know

  i did wrong to burn down that

  building for the

  insurance money but how was i

  to know there was any one in it i

  did not plan a murder a third

  puff of smoke seemed to start out of

  his own shoulder and floated in

  front of his eyes and a fourth

  puff hit him on his bald head and made

  a little veil in front of his face

  gawd gawd he cried and threw

  himself on the rug and began to

  pray with his face hidden i

  thought to myself those

  puffs of smoke are peculiar there

  isnt anything on fire in

  here and then i got a whiff of it

  and it smelled like tobacco smoke

  then i saw something that looked

  like a gray globe floating from the

  direction of the bathroom door it

  drifted across the room and hit

  the reading lamp and vanished with a

  puff of smoke i looked at the

  bathroom door and i thought i

  heard some one chuckle over there and

  then i saw another gray globe of

  smoke forming at the keyhole it

  slowly grew and grew till it was as

  big as a baseball and then it

  detached itself from the door and

  floated across the room

  i crawled noiselessly under the bath

  room door it was one of those bath

  rooms midway between two sleeping

  rooms and there were a couple of

  chuckle headed young fellows sitting

  on the floor laughing to

  themselves both were about half

  soused and they were having a good

  time one of them had a slender hollow

  brass curtain rod and he was soaping

  the end of it and

  sticking it into the keyhole then he

  would fill his mouth with cigarette

  smoke and blow a soap bubble which

  drifted into the old mans room what

  is he doing now said one of them he

  is on the floor praying said the

  other taking the rod out of the

  keyhole and looking through let me

  blow a couple said the first young

  man you are too soused said the

  second one dont be selfish said the

  first one gawd gawd said the voice

  from the room i had just left i am

  haunted by ghostly smoke i will live

  right all the rest of my life if you

  only let me off this time

  give him another bubble said the

  first young man he has got it

  coming to him evidently so

  they gave him half a dozen more

  bubbles the noise

  in the haunted mans room ceased for

  some minutes what is he doing now

  said the first young man i cant see

  him said the second one just then

  there came a kicking kind of a noise

  on the wall i went into the

  haunted mans room and found his

  closet door was open i went in and he

  was just dying he had hanged himself

  to a hook on the wall with a trunk

  cord those two young fellows had

  just the wrong man for their little

  practical joke or

  just the right man if you want to

  look at it that way i

  went away from there at once not

  wishing to be on hand if there

  was any investigation yours

  for conscience and coincidence

  and may they never meet

  JUNE 6

  Not a Fish

  well boss i have

  been over to

  take a look at that 300

  pound mola mola fish1

  and it is my opinion that it

  should not be

  allowed in any american

  aquarium at all

  it is not a fish

  take it from me it is

  some kind of a german

  pancake with fins eat

  it and the infernal thing

  will explode inside of you it is

  just as well to distrust any

  strange looking fish that may

  be caught off these coasts while

  the u boats are

  around beware the

  hunderhand methods of

  the enemy yours till the

  recording angel catches up with

  his story of

  hohenzollerns i have known

  JUNE 7

  At the Zoo

  speaking of the aquarium i

  was up at the zoo the

  other day and when i saw all

  the humans staring at

  the animals i grew thankful that

  i am an insect and

  not an animal it must be

  very embarrassing to

  be looked at all the time by an

  assorted lot of human beings and

  commented upon as if

  one were a freak the animals find the

  humans just as strange and silly looking

  as the humans find the

  animals but they

  cannot say so and the fact that

  they cannot say so

  makes them quite angry the leopard

  told me that was one thing that

  made the wild cat wild as for

  himself he says there is

  one gink that comes every day and looks

  and looks and looks at him i

  think said the leopard he

  is waiting to see if i ever really do

  change my spots

  JUNE 10

  Prohibition1 Rushes Toward Us

  i went into a

  speakeasy the other night

  with some of the

  boys and we were all sitting

  around under one of

  the tables making

  merry with crumbs and

  cheese and what not but

  after while a strange

  melancholy descended

  upon the jolly crew and

  one old brown veteran roach

  said with a sigh well

  boys eat drink and

  be maudlin for

  tomorrow we are dry the

  shadow of the padlock

  rushes toward us

  like a sahara sandstorm

  flinging itself at an oasis

  for years myself and my

  ancestors before me have

  inhabited yonder ice box but

  the day approaches

  when our old homestead

  will be taken away from

  here and scalded out

  yes says i soon there will

  be nothing but that

  eheu fugaces stuff2

  on every hand i

  never drank it says he

  what kind of a

  drink is it

  it is bitter as wormwood

  says i and the

  only chaser to it is

  the lethean water3

  it is not the booze itself

  that i regret so

  much said the old brown

  roach it is the

  golden companionship of

  the tavern myself

  and my ancestors have been

  chop house and tavern

  roaches for hundreds of
years

  countless generations back

  one of my elizabethan

  forbears was plucked from

  a can of ale in the

  mermaid tavern by

  will shakespeare and

  put down kit marlowe s back

  what subtle wits they were in

  those days said i yes

  he said and later

  another one of my

  ancestors was

  introduced into a larded

  hare that addison

  was eating by dicky steele

  my ancestor came

  skurrying forth dicky

  said is that your own

  hare joe or a wig a

  thing which addison

  never forgave yours is a

  remarkable family

  history i said yes he

  said i am the last

  of a memorable

  line one of my

  ancestors was found drowned

  in the ink well

  out of which poor

  eddie poe wrote the

  raven we have

  always associated with wits

  bohemians and bon

  vivants my maternal

  grandmother was slain by

  john masefield with

  a bung starter4 well well it

  is sad i said the

  glad days pass yes

  he says soon we will all

  be as dry as the

  egyptian scarab that

  lies in the sarcophagus

  beside the mummy of rameses and

  he hasn t had a

  drink for four thousand

  years it is sad for

  you he continued but

  think how much sadder it

  is for me with

  a family tradition such as

  mine only one of my

  ancestors cheese it i said

  interrupting him i do

  not wish to injure

  your feelings but i weary

  of your ancestors i

  have often noticed that

  ancestors never boast

  of the descendants who boast

  of ancestors i would

  rather start a family than

  finish one blood will tell but often

  it tells too much

  JUNE 19

  Income Tax Slacker1

  boss i see by the

  papers that there is

  one income tax slacker who

  owes 14 800 000 dollars lest

  there be any possibility of