The Annotated Archy and Mehitabel

by Don Marquis

  Falling Upwards

  one of the most

  pathetic things i

  have seen recently

  was an intoxicated person

  trying to fall

  down a moving stairway

  it was the escalator at

  the thirty fourth street

  side of the

  pennsylvania station

  he could not fall down as

  fast as it

  carried him up again but

  he was game he kept on

  trying he was

  stubborn about it

  evidently it was a part of

  his tradition habit and

  training always to fall down

  stairs when intoxicated and

  he did not intend to

  be defeated this time i

  watched him for an hour

  and moved sadly away thinking

  how much sorrow

  drink is responsible for the

  buns by great men

  reached and kept

  are not attained

  by sudden flight but they

  while their companions slept

  were falling upwards

  through the night1

  AUGUST 14

  Headgear

  boss i wish you

  would get some sort of

  headgear for me so

  that my cranium would not

  get so sore

  through operating the

  typewriter or else oil the

  machine so the keys

  will work easier i have to

  hit every letter so hard that i

  am afraid i will get

  concussion of the brain and

  my literary style will suffer

  from it can you not

  fix up some device whereby i

  will be able to use

  punctuation i have been crit

  icised so frequently for not

  using any punctuation that i am

  becoming sensitive

  about it yours till

  we get the potsdam gas range

  AUGUST 24

  Smile When You Ride on the Subway

  boss i hold no brief

  for the new subway system1

  or the way it is operated or

  anything connected with it but

  fairness compells me to state

  that i find it no more

  difficult to get about town on

  the new system than on the

  old of course that may be because

  it was always difficult for me

  there has been so much knocking

  however that i

  think some one should call

  attention to at least one good

  feature and that is

  the air in the new seventh avenue

  line it is fit to breathe and

  there is plenty of it

  perhaps more people would find it

  easier to get about on the subways if

  they played my system

  too many people get on a subway in

  order to go somewhere of course

  if you do that you are bound to

  disappointment

  subway riding is not a game of

  skill at all it is a game of

  chance you should not get on a

  subway for the purpose of going

  somewhere

  you should just get on a subway train

  then if you go somewhere that is so

  much gain people should

  cultivate a delight in the

  unexpected there is no thrill of

  discovery in boarding a train that

  takes you somewhere you have counted

  on going to

  anyhow how can you tell

  whether you want to go to a place or

  not until you have tried going there

  get onto any train and get off again

  after a while and

  then look over the place you have

  come to with a sympathetic mind

  and an open heart and

  you will probably find something

  excellent and

  admirable in it the

  whole thing is in the

  point of view and the

  philosophic attitude which you

  bring to subway riding some

  people are discontented no

  matter where they are and

  other people find something

  good in all places one who is

  in harmony with the

  cosmic all as our

  friend hermione might say

  will find one place just as good

  as another for all

  places are equidistant from the

  spiritual centre of

  the universe if you

  apprehend my meaning

  think of that the next time you

  go into the station at

  times square and be happy

  smile when you ride

  on the subway but

  do not smile at any of the

  feminine guards or ticket sellers

  they might not

  understand it some of them

  seem to understand very little

  if you want to go

  anywhere in particular

  hire a taxi

  SEPTEMBER 16

  A Genuine Quip

  well boss i

  had a good joke all fixed

  up for your column and

  then a book worm

  came along and

  spoiled it for me i

  often have bad

  luck with my jokes

  especially with my puns

  but i will explain this

  one to you and

  you can see for your self

  that it would have been

  quite a joke if the

  latin language had been a

  little different my

  idea was to write a quip for

  you saying aut kaiser aut

  mihiel you see what i

  mean dont you a pun on

  the latin quotation aut

  caesar aut nihil and

  then along comes a book

  worm and says archy that

  quotation is not

  aut caesar aut nihil it

  is aut caesar aut nullus

  well boss better

  luck next time some day

  i hope to make a

  genuine quip for you1

  SEPTEMBER 26

  Tobacco Fund

  why not buy

  thrift stamps1 up to

  the place where

  you can get a

  liberty bond with them

  and then turn

  over the liberty bond to

  the sun tobacco fund2

  yours till hell

  recedes from earth

  OCTOBER 1

  The Advice of Your Little Friend

  few men who

  are chronically

  short are

  too short to get

  their chins

  above the rail

  of a bar

  cut out the

  booze and buy

  thrift stamps and

  put the stamps

  into a liberty

  bond is the

  advice of your

  little friend

  OCTOBER 26

  Jane Gad Fly

  A COMMUNIQUE

  at the front in France dear boss i really must speak to you about archy oh i know i am only an insect too but you are paying too much attention to one cockroach what i mean is that i have to hear too much of this archy of course the principle trouble is neysa you probably know that neysa mcmein1 has brought winsor mckays dinosaur gertie2 over here to bite the german infantry gertie is doing her bit which is large as you know that dinosaurs stand something like twenty feet
high at the shoulder but i want to speak to you about neysa more than gertie it is no longer being kept a secret from the kaiser that i am neysas manager but still you know boss how it is with these temperamental artists and how the biter gets bit really neysa runs me hand and foot and boss if i hadnt always read those communications from archy in order to keep in touch with current thought among my fellow insects, i wouldn’t mind but neysa trails about france with her uniform pockets stuffed with very ancient communications from archy which she insists upon reading aloud particularly in times of stress such as when a boche3 aeroplane is overhead and we have not yet found out which house in our block he is aiming his bomb at neysa is here as a y m c a entertainer and do you think she is rightly representing american womanhood to read old archys to me under those conditions i dont neysas sketches that she does for the pretty soldiers are not half bad though they get smeared all over due to lack of fixitive, but boss do you think that a young person who draws pretty girls ought to read aloud all the time to person who cant get away from her i dont i hope you can do something about this i have nothing personal against archy

  yours for better behaved artists

  jane gad fly

  OCTOBER 28

  The Influenza1

  well boss i suppose you

  wonder what has become of

  me lately i have been

  quarantined or rather

  i quarantined myself

  voluntarily lest

  i help spread the

  influenza on the

  back of a cockroach

  no larger than

  myself millions of

  influenza germs may lodge i

  have a sense of responsibility

  to the public and i

  have been lying for two weeks

  in a barrel of moth

  balls in a drug store

  without food or water it

  strikes me as a good time to

  come across with that

  raise of salary you

  are always promising me

  NOVEMBER 9

  A Tall Story

  well boss i had a

  terrible adventure the

  other day it was the

  day that the news

  of the armistice came which

  afterward proved not to be

  true1 if you can

  remember that far

  back

  i was on one of the upper

  floors of the

  woolworth building2 and as

  you may have noticed it has many

  upper floors and some of the

  uppermost floors are

  very far up

  this floor was about six

  hundred feet above

  broadway

  i was hunting bits of

  sandwich in a waste

  paper basket when the

  paper shower began

  everybody began to

  hunt paper to tear up and

  throw out the window and to

  make a frightful story as

  mild as possible i

  was on one of the pieces of

  paper that was torn and

  thrown out of the

  window down down down

  i went whirling around and around

  for a hundred feet and

  screaming at the

  top of my voice but in

  all that noise what were the

  cries of one small cockroach

  i doubt if i was heard

  twenty feet away

  down and down i fell and just as i

  thought i might be dashed to pieces on

  some bald head two hundred yards below

  a gust of wind caught me up and up up up

  i went again to make

  a tall story as short as

  possible this kept up for

  nearly two hours i

  felt like a person who

  has climbed aboard an

  airplane thinking it is

  an automobile and who

  does not discover his

  mistake until he

  is above some brutal looking

  mountain range

  i finally came into contact with a

  piece of ticker tape3

  and crawled aboard it in

  midair it seemed bigger somehow

  but it evidently

  thought it was a snake it

  went wreathing and twining

  itself through the air

  and when it finally did come

  down it twined itself around the

  neck of an inebriated

  gentleman who saw me and

  whose first words were

  i do not see a cockroach i

  only think i see a cockroach

  o heaven if i only

  get over this attack i

  will never drink another

  drop yours as ever

  NOVEMBER 14

  Chief Janitor

  why not let the

  kaiser be chief janitor of

  the peace palace at

  the hague then

  when anything went

  wrong anywhere he

  could be called in and

  cussed yours for

  punishments

  NOVEMBER 23

  I Saw Archy

  well boss it is

  surprising how many

  gossips there are left in

  this world and how

  easy it is to ruin a

  person’s reputation

  a few days ago an

  alleged friend of yours

  remarked to another

  alleged friend i saw

  archy on a bun in

  a cafe down town the other

  day and the second alleged

  friend told another person

  that archy had been seen

  publicly intoxicated and

  the other person went

  around saying poor

  archy he drinks like a

  water bug until my

  reputation is ruined you

  would think i was

  the habitual companion of

  the well known dipsas snake1

  and the truth of

  the whole thing is very

  simple your alleged friend did

  see me on a bun

  in a cafe it was a

  common ordinary bun such as

  you spread butter on

  and eat and i

  was eating at it

  just as i would sit on any other

  piece of bread and eat but

  now all my friends are

  saying to me

  did i see you on a

  bun or did i not

  answer yes or no and if i

  answer no they say

  prevaricator i saw you on a

  bun and if i answer yes they

  say i thought so and

  will not let me explain and

  if i do not answer

  at all they say

  aha too full for

  utterance sometimes i

  hate the world

  DECEMBER 3

  Peace Conference

  [Marquis’s column for December 3 begins with dispatches from both Hermione and Fothergil Finch, supposedly sent the day before by wireless from aboard the U. S. S. Orizaba, which is bearing them across the Atlantic to the peace conference then being held in Paris. Then Archy adds his note.]

  wireless to the sun dial

  u s s orizaba1 dec 2 all at sea

  well boss here am i

  your own archy

  i stowed away in

  fothergill finchs steamer

  trunk and shall

  act as his secretary i

  have already found several

  relatives and ship

  mates of former years on

  board the vessel the

  grub is probably better
/>   in some spots on this

  ship than in others but

  so far i have only

  struck the others

  DECEMBER 5

  More and More at Sea

  u s s orizaba dec 5 more and

  more at sea

  well boss i am sorry to

  tattle on anybody but the

  truth is that fothergill is

  filing stuff he wrote

  before he started he is

  too ill to write anything he

  is the color of the

  contents of a can

  of pea soup

  but there is not as

  much in him this

  morning he asked the

  steward how long people

  usually live after a ship sinks

  and the steward said

  only a few minutes it

  seems a long time said

  fothergil sadly and the

  steward said this is not

  rough weather wait until we

  catch some really rough

  weather

  why continued the steward i have

  crossed the ocean in

  december almost upside down

  that is nothing said

  fothergil i am crossing

  the ocean almost

  inside out

  DECEMBER 6

  Poet Overboard

  u s s george washington1 dec 5

  at sea kindness of assistant wireless

  operator to the sun dial

  well boss you will wonder

  how it is that i started away

  for france on the orizaba and

  am now sending you

  this despatch from the

  george washington that is you

  will wonder if this despatch ever

  gets through which it may not

  if mr creel2

  catches the wireless man sending

  it well boss to make

  a wet story as dry as possible it

  happened in this wise

  yesterday fothergil finch

  was leaning in a

  melancholy attitude over the rail

  spouting poetry like a

  bolsheviki triton3

  into the trough of the sea and

  i was by his right elbow

  listening for there is

  little sport for a

  cockroach aboard ship and he

  must dissipate his ennui as best he

  can when suddenly fothergil

  began to writhe and gyrate

  with a paroxysm of vers libre

  that came from his very

  solar plexus and inadvertently struck