The Annotated Archy and Mehitabel

by Don Marquis

  These demands will be considered in the final adjustment.

  In the meantime, and pending the final adjustment, Archy returns on the basis of a 50 per cent increase in salary.

  It is our contention that a 50 per cent increase is a very liberal increase, indeed, and that this temporary settlement should be a permanent settlement.

  We admit that the public has been with Archy during the recent troubles. And it was only the pressure of public opinion that influenced us to take him back at all.

  But, having decided that we must yield, we determined to come across handsomely.

  THE 50 PER CENT INCREASE IN SALARY WAS OUR OWN SUGGESTION.

  AND, ON OUR OWN INITIATIVE, WE HAVE MADE THIS INCREASE RETROACTIVE.

  That is to say, not only does Archy get the 50 per cent increase during the week before the final adjustment, but we have volunteered to give it to him during the period covered by the strike, and for a term of two weeks prior to the strike.

  We print, below, Archy’s own comment upon the temporary settlement:

  A COMMUNICATION FROM ARCHY

  well boss you see

  where you stand now i hope the

  public cannot get along

  without me

  i have won a moral victory

  for you have agreed in

  principle that i

  should have a raise in

  salary i will have to

  think over it a

  long time however before i

  will consent to a 50 per cent

  raise as a permanent settlement

  and will have to take

  advice it seems like a very

  generous proposition on the

  face of it but at the same time

  i dont think it is

  altogether right the figures look

  good but i am puzzled you

  see i was not getting any salary at

  all when i quit work and if

  i got a raise of

  50 per cent above that the

  question is what do i get

  i would much rather have a

  little something to eat every

  week than all these figures but

  at the same time i

  must admit that a 50 per cent

  raise looks good

  on paper especially as you are

  willing to make it

  retroactive maybe the

  retroactive part means that i

  will get a little something

  to eat at any rate it is easy

  to see that i have won a most

  important victory i would be willing

  to make a permanent

  settlement on the basis of

  a 25 per cent increase and a half

  a piece of pie i never was any good on

  figures and maybe i am

  getting a lot as it is but i

  would rather have less

  of a victory and more to eat

  We print this communication in full in order to show the public the difficulty we have with Archy. We have yielded in principle, we admit that he has won a victory, and we have given him a 50 per cent raise. It seems to me that we have done even more than could have been expected, but he seems dissatisfied. And yet he must know that he is in the wrong, for even while he talks of a moral victory he reduces his former outrageous demands for food by one half. He has been on the job without any food at all, so far as we know, for four years, and this sudden demand of his for something to eat does not have the ring of sincerity to our ears. What did he eat before he worked for the column? There is a strain of sordid materialism in Archy, we are afraid.

  AUGUST 26

  Thank You for the Advice

  thank you for the

  advice to go and get

  some of this

  government food i do

  not want to start all

  over again

  any controversy that has

  been temporarily

  settled but may i not

  ask how

  AUGUST 27

  Darned Little Justice

  the cockroaches are not

  the only insects

  that are demanding more

  consideration

  i met a flea

  last evening who

  told me that he had come

  into contact with

  a great deal of unrest

  lately and a mosquito remarked

  to me only this

  morning there is darned

  little justice in this world the

  way the human beings

  run it seldom do i

  meet a person who will hold

  still long

  enough for me to get a meal

  AUGUST 28

  Archy Gets Restless Again

  dear boss after thinking

  over the terms of our temporary

  settlement i

  am forced to admit i

  got the short end of the

  deal you are a true diplomat and

  a modest one at that but i want

  you to know that your admission

  to your readers in conceding me

  a moral victory does not

  suffice to fill an empty

  stomach and nobody can work

  without food so i am forced to

  submit as the two chief subjects for

  consideration in the final settlement the

  necessity not only for deciding the

  amount of salary but also a generous

  allowance of food and good

  food at that because since i

  agreed to return to work i

  met an old friend who took me to

  a place where a lot of

  nice people of the community

  councils are distributing relief

  food and by simply hiding in the

  parcels that go out there are

  lots of chances to get into all

  kinds of fine homes we took a chance

  and sneaked into one box of canned

  goods and were placed in a fine

  automobile that took us

  to a swell house on the drive where

  they have a pastry cook of their own and

  we had the pastry all to our

  selves and feasted on delicacies of

  all sorts so half a piece of pie is

  no longer any treat for me and

  i can get acquainted with

  some very aristocratic

  cockroaches besides just by

  attending food sales and i

  am cultivating a taste for fancy

  eatables that neither pie nor

  25 per cent increase will satisfy

  It looks as if this Archy were getting ready to ask for more, no matter what we give him.

  How human some cockroaches are!

  AUGUST 29

  A Plum Plan

  well boss the time has

  arrived for our permanent

  settlement i propose

  a plum plan

  once a week i want a

  pint jar of plum preserves

  with bread and butter

  and all the fixings that

  go with them answer at once

  i refuse to arbitrate

  We yield. We consider ourself lucky that Archy does not demand full ownership and control of the column. We yield while the yielding is still good.

  SEPTEMBER 8

  Trying to Ruin Me

  well boss i notice that

  although you have taken me

  back to work on my own terms

  you are giving me no

  work to do you always were jealous

  of my popularity there

  never has been a time since i made

  my first appearance and

  carried all before me that you

  would not have gotten rid of

  me if you had dared but


  you have never dared

  now you are giving me no work to do

  in order to keep me

  from my public you are

  trying to ruin me why do

  you not give me an

  assignment now and

  then

  archy

  If Archy cannot think up something to write about he can stay out of the column permanently. We are tired of giving Archy assignments that he can do easily and then having him take the credit for originality. The impression has gone abroad that not only does Archy think up his own themes, but that he also tells us what to write. The exact reverse of this is true. It is time that Archy, and his infatuated followers also, should understand that he is our subordinate, our creature. We admit that he has a certain superficial knack; but all the heavier, more solemn, respectable, and serious humor in the column is our own. His statement that he would like to work is entirely hypocritical. Since he won the strike he has done nothing but eat and sleep; he is gorged with food; between his triumph and his victuals he has become stupid. We knew food would ruin him, and it was in the interests of his literary ability, such as it is, that we kept him starved. Lord Tennyson noticed the same thing about a throstle . . . or maybe it was a blackbird. Anyhow, Lord Tennyson wrote a poem about it. . . . It was a bird that gorged itself and lived easy and ceased to be a poet. We have always thought it an indication of very high purpose and resolution that Lord Tennyson did not succumb himself in a similar manner; but after he became laureate he sang just as well as before. We believe that he was already laureate when he wrote “Come into the Garden, Maud.” Max Beerbohm has a cartoon of Lord Tennyson reading his poems to Queen Victoria in which the laureate looks both well fed and lyrical. We wish that Daisy Ashford’s Mr. Salteena had met a laureate at court and given us additional light upon this subject. But we still insist that in spite of Lord Tennyson’s experience, the rule holds good in the majority of cases; feed a poet and ruin him. The only thing that can save Archy now is a course of voluntary fasting, and we doubt that he has the will power for it. Give a cockroach enough jam and he will tangle his feet.

  OCTOBER 6

  To Settle the Controversy

  i am in a position

  to settle the

  controversy as to whether

  j m barrie

  wrote the young visiters

  or whether it

  was written by

  daisy ashford1 i have

  been making a

  very careful study of the

  matter using the

  method of the authorities

  who have proved

  that bacon wrote all of

  shakespeares plays2

  that were not written

  by marlowe beaumont

  and fletcher and ben jonson

  that is to say to wit

  namely the cipher

  method on page one

  of the young visiters i

  find the letter j

  on page nine i find

  the letter m and on

  page seventeen i find

  the letter b

  it is therefore clear that

  j m barrie wrote

  the stunt in nineteen

  seventeen and signed

  it with his initials

  i hope there will

  be no more idle chatter

  about this thing now

  that it is authoritatively

  settled

  OCTOBER 16

  Rheumatism

  boss i wish

  that some of your clever

  correspondents would

  devise a way to

  fit cockroaches

  with overshoes

  this continued damp weather

  is giving me rheumatism

  in three of my feet

  all three rheumatic feet

  are on the same

  side so when i

  walk i go round and

  round in a circle

  i am trying to use

  pieces of chewing gum for

  overshoes but it

  doesn’t work so

  very well i can get

  them on but i

  cannot get them off

  again and they are

  sticky on both sides sometimes

  they stick fast to

  the floor and i

  know how a fly

  feels on a sheet of

  tanglefoot paper

  see what you can

  do about it wont

  you please by the way

  just to settle the

  controversy i

  think i may as well

  announce that i

  wrote the young

  visiters myself in

  collaboration with

  mehitabel the cat

  DECEMBER 3

  This Monster Man

  one thing the human bean

  never seems to

  get into it is the

  fact that humans

  appear just as unnecessary to

  cockroaches as cockroaches

  do to humans

  you would scarcely

  call me human

  nor am i altogether

  cockroach i

  conceive it to be my

  mission in life to bring

  humans and cockroaches

  into a better understanding

  with each other to

  establish some sort of

  entente cordiale1 or

  hands across the kitchen sink2

  arrangement

  lately i heard a number

  of cockroaches discussing

  humanity one big

  regal looking roach

  had the floor and he spoke

  as was fitting in blank verse

  more or less

  says he

  how came this monster with the heavy

  foot harsh voice and cruel heart to

  rule the world

  had it been dogs or ants or elephants

  i could have acquiesced and found a

  justice working in the decree but man

  gross man

  the killer man the bloody minded

  crossed unsocial death dispenser of this

  sphere who slays for pleasure slays

  for sport for whim

  who slays from habit breeds to slay and

  slays

  whatever breed has humors not his own

  the whole apparent universe one sponge

  blood filled from insect mammal fish

  and bird

  the which he squeezes down his vast

  gullet friends i call on you to rise and

  trample down this monster man this

  tyrant man hear hear said

  several of the wilder spirits

  and it looked to me for a

  minute as if they

  were going right out and

  wreck new york city but

  an old polonius looking

  roach got the floor

  he cleared his throat three times

  and said

  what our young friend here

  so eloquently counsels against

  the traditional enemy is

  calculated of course to appeal to

  youth what he says

  about man is all very true

  and yet we must remember that

  some of our wisest

  cockroaches have always

  held that there

  is something impious in the

  idea of overthrowing man

  doubtless the supreme being

  put man where he is and

  doubtless he did it

  for some good purpose which

  it would be very

  impolitic yea well nigh

  blasphemous for us to enquire

  into the project of

  overthrowing man is indeed

&nbs
p; tantamount to a

  proposition to overthrow the

  supreme being himself and

  i trust that no one of

  my hearers is so wild or

  so wicked as to think

  that possible or desirable i

  cannot but admire the

  idealism and patriotism of

  my young friend who

  has just spoken nor do i

  doubt his sincerity but i

  grieve to see so

  many fine qualities

  misdirected and i

  should like to ask him

  just one question to wit

  namely as follows is it not

  a fact that just before

  coming to this meeting

  he was almost killed by a

  human being as he

  crawled out of an ice box

  and is it not true that

  he was stealing food from

  the said ice box and is it

  not a fact that his own

  recent personal experience has

  as much to do with

  his present rage as any

  desire to better the

  condition of the cockroaches of

  the world in general i

  think that it is the sense of

  this meeting that a

  resolution be passed censuring

  mankind and at the

  same time making it

  very clear that nothing like

  rebellion is to be attempted

  and so on

  well polonius had his way

  but it is my belief that the

  wilder spirits will gain the

  ascendancy and if the

  movement spreads to the other

  insects the human race is in

  danger as a friend of both

  parties i should regret war

  what we need is

  intelligent propaganda who is

  better qualified to handle

  the propaganda fund than

  yours truly

  DECEMBER 12

  The Cat Show

  i said to mehitabel

  the cat i suppose you are

  going to the swell cat

  show i am not archy

  said she i have as

  much lineage as any

  of those society

  cats but i never could

  see the conventional

  social stuff archy

  i am a lady

  but i am bohemian

  too archy i