Shattered Soul

by Jennifer Snyder

  Yes, Ali was definitely more toasted than I was.

  “Can I drive?” I asked her, once we finally reached her car.

  “Do you even have a license?”

  “No, but that doesn’t mean I can’t drive,” I replied.

  “Fine. I don’t think I can drive, anyway,” she muttered, tossing me the keys as she flopped into the passenger seat.

  I climbed in and put the keys into the ignition, thankful for the munchies I’d bought and that we’d only smoked half the joint.

  “Hold on!” she shouted just as I reached to put it in reverse. I froze, startled.

  Ali opened the glove compartment and began rummaging around inside until she found what she’d been looking for, a pink camera. She held it up in front of her, a cheesy grin on her face.

  I laughed. “You always keep that in there?”

  She nodded. “You never know when something’s going to come along you might want to remember forever. Lean in.”

  I leaned in, her head fit perfectly against the hollow of my neck. I draped one arm around her and a lazy grin came on my face.

  “Smile,” she demanded, before clicking the button, freezing the moment forever.

  The drive to Ali’s house was a short one. Her parents had rented a historic looking place on Harrison Avenue.

  I pulled into the driveway behind a Honda Pilot and a police cruiser, the reality of her dad’s occupation settled in, and so did the fact I was the one bringing home his daughter wasted.

  I cut the engine and climbed out of the car quickly, hiding from the bright glow of the porch light, fearful her parents might glance out the window at some point. I walked to the passenger side where trees lined the driveway and I was hidden from view. I figured if anyone came out, mainly her dad, I could duck behind them pretty quickly.

  Ali stumbled as she got out of the car and closed the door gently behind her.

  “You ok?” I asked in a whisper.

  “Yeah.”

  An awkward silence hung between us and I didn’t know if I should kiss her or not.

  “Well, I’d better get inside before my dad starts peeping out the windows or something,” she said.

  “Yeah, I’d better get going, it’s kind of a long walk home from here.”

  “Is it? I’m sorry. But, thanks for driving.”

  “No problem.”

  Ali leaned in and kissed me. I was stunned by her boldness, but recovered in time to move my lips against hers. She pulled away first and began walking towards her house.

  I remained standing, watching her, and waiting for her to disappear behind her front door before I moved. Before she crept inside, she paused to glance at me one more time with a smile.

  I took my time walking home, knowing there would be no porch light on or anyone waiting up for me when I got there. Who was I kidding, nobody probably even realized I’d been gone.

  When I finally did make it home, there was a light on in the living room. I walked in to see my mom sitting on the couch with a half empty bottle of rum on the coffee table in front of her and a bowl of popcorn in her lap, watching a movie.

  “Seth, I’m so glad you’re home,” she said in one big slur of words.

  I almost laughed, this was what was waiting up for me at home, my drunken mother. I wondered what was waiting for Ali when she had walked through her front door.

  “Thanks, mom,” I mumbled on my way down the hall towards my room.

  I closed my door behind me and locked it, not wanting to be bothered by anyone in my pathetic excuse for a family. I pulled the half-smoked joint from my pocket and spread out on my bed.

  Chapter Five

  I woke the next morning to bright sunlight streaming in through my bedroom window and Calvin pounding his fist against my door.

  “Wake up, punk! Where’s my money?” Calvin shouted.

  I sighed and sat up in bed. I was still dressed and my alarm clock said it was 3:52 in the afternoon.

  I closed my eyes and ran my fingers through my hair, taking in a few breaths before opening the door and releasing the mad-man pounding behind it.

  “I’m getting ready to bust this damn door down, you’d better open up!” Calvin screamed.

  I reached underneath my mattress for the wad of cash I’d stashed yesterday. I slid off my bed in no hurry; Calvin was still going to be a jerk no matter how quickly I opened the door.

  I unlocked my door and Calvin burst through, pushing it open as hard as he could. I jumped back in time before being smacked in the face with it.

  His hands gripped the shoulders of my t-shirt as he got in my face. “I said, where is my money?” he annunciated each word carefully.

  I flashed the wad in his face. “Right here.” I wanted to add, now get your hands off me, but knew better.

  Calvin released me with a little shove and snatched it from my fingers while glaring at me with a wicked grin. “It better be two thirty.”

  “It is,” I muttered, straightening out my shirt while Calvin counted his money.

  “Two thirty, all right. Do what you need to and be at the car in five minutes,” he ordered.

  Now Calvin had gotten all of his money, it was time to go to dope man’s house and drop off what he owed, which meant my presence was required. I didn’t argue, I knew it would do me no good. The last time I’d told him I didn’t want to go, I’d gotten my ass beat all the way to the car.

  Apparently, being brothers meant I had to have his back in such situations, even if he never had mine.

  I was at the car in five minutes, like Calvin had said, climbing into the back. Calvin slid into the driver's seat and tossed his backpack beside me. Brent climbed into the passenger seat, a huge grin on his face. I already knew Calvin had sent Jade home. He didn’t allow her to go to dope man’s house. Probably too afraid dope man would reel her in for himself by flashing her a bigger pile of meth than what Calvin had.

  “Hey, little dude. You ready for this?” Brent smirked at me, putting an unlit cigarette to his mouth.

  I nodded. “Yeah. Give me one of those,” I said, pointing to his cigarette.

  Brent handed me one and I took it, hoping neither of them noticed how badly my hands were shaking.

  I hated going to dope man’s house, especially to drop off money owed. These people were straight up Tweakers with a capital T. You never knew what might happen and there was always a good possibility of someone getting shot.

  Calvin started up the engine, Drowning Pool blared from the speakers.

  “All right boys, here we go,” he shouted over the music.

  I grinned, but it was forced because I could see Calvin eyeing me in the rear view mirror.

  Thirty-three minutes later we were starting down the long gravel driveway which led to a rundown single-wide trailer surrounded by woods. Dope Man’s house.

  Three vehicles already sat in the driveway when we pulled up. My heart rate spiked and my palms became slick with sweat.

  This could only mean one of two things.

  One, we were intruding on someone else’s pick up or drop off. Which, in either case, wasn’t a good thing because it added more paranoia for everyone in an already tense situation. The possibility of someone being an undercover cop was always real.

  Or two, dope man had been partying and these were the vehicles of his guests, which meant we’d be surrounded by strung out people who could snap at any moment.

  I didn’t much like either scenario.

  Calvin parked behind a beat up red Jeep Cherokee and cut the engine. He reached over the seat and pointed to his backpack beside me. I handed it to him with tense arms. My eyes darted to Brent; he was pulling out three handguns from inside the glove compartment, one for himself, one for Calvin, and one for me.

  This was what my brother meant when he said to have his back.

  Calvin took his with ease, and then Brent handed one over the seat to me. I tried not to hesitate in taking it from his fingers. This was no time to show weakne
ss and we had no time to waste. The longer we sat in the car, the more paranoid the Tweakers inside became.

  I wrapped my fingers firmly around it. It felt cold and heavy in my hot hand. I swallowed hard as fear uncoiled in my mind. I tucked it into the waistband of my shorts against my back and pulled down my t-shirt.

  My heart pounded inside my chest as I gripped the door handle. I stepped out into the blazing hot sun to walk behind my brother and his friend into, what felt like, the mouth of hell.

  We walked up the steps to the porch. It was moldy and in places completely rotted. There were t-shirts, tank-tops, and even a sock draped over the railing that had been sitting in the same spot for so long they were discolored and stiff looking.

  Calvin knocked; one slow, three fast, and then two slow. Heavy footsteps from inside started towards the door. My stomach twisted into painful knots and I stared out into the unmowed yard, not wanting to make eye contact with whoever opened the door this time. It wouldn’t be dope man, he never answered his own door; instead he always sent one of his druggie goons to answer for him.

  The door swung open.

  “Calvin, what’s up?” A low male voice greeted my brother.

  “Nothing much, man. How’s it going?” Calvin chit-chatted as he walked inside.

  I glanced up to see who had answered the door this time, it was a red-headed guy named Justin I’d met the last time I came here, which was about three weeks ago. If I remembered correctly, he was still wearing the same clothes.

  I walked through the door last, but didn’t close it behind me because Justin seemed to be waiting for us to get inside. Once I crossed the threshold, I noticed him give a quick glance around outside before closing the door.

  The trailer smelled musky and was clouded with smoke, and not just cigarette smoke; a heavy scent of burning meth clung to the air. The inside of my mouth became coated, which made my heart pound even faster as remembered memories and want gripped me. I licked my lips and swallowed hard while glancing around the room. Five others sat inside besides Justin and us, we’d walked into a party.

  Justin flopped down on a love seat beside a brown-haired girl so skinny it almost made me sick to look at her. Dope Man was perched in the middle of his couch beside his girl of the week; a pale red-head with dark circles under her eyes, skimpy clothes, and bruised up legs. Two other guys sat in the back corner across from each other at a small dining room table playing cards. A silver tray rested in the center of the coffee table with short clipped straws, a small glass tube coated in white, and a few baggies of meth laying across it.

  The room fell completely silent the moment we walked in. I could feel everyone’s eyes skimming over me, Dope Man’s in particular. My eyes flicked to his and a twisted smile came on his face.

  He was one creepy looking dude; medium height, but extremely stocky, with tattoos covering every inch of his exposed skin I could see. He definitely didn’t dip into his personal stash too often; he was too muscular and well-built for that. From the looks of his company, his stash was his way of controlling them.

  A manipulator of the worst kind. Those were the drug dealers who always seemed to thrive.

  “Boys,” he said, nodding to Brent and I. “Calvin.”

  We all nodded in return.

  “You got my money?”

  “Sure do,” Calvin answered in an I’m-a-kiss-ass tone while he dug in the front pocket of his backpack. He found the wad of cash and handed it to him. Dope Man didn’t even bother to count it, he set it in his lap and smirked at us.

  “Good,” he said absently. He grabbed the white coated glass tube and a lighter from off the tray. “Need anything else?” He held the tube up and ran the flame of the lighter back and forth underneath.

  Every person in the room, including me, had their eyes on the tip of that tube, all waiting for the sweet tasting smoke to curl up into the air. The second it began smoking, Dope Man put it to his lips and inhaled.

  Want and need rippled through me as I watched, waiting for him to exhale.

  Calvin answered his question, but I couldn’t hear over the fast paced pounding of my heart.

  Dope Man handed the tube to the red-head beside him, she smiled as she took it from his fingertips. I noticed some of her teeth were discolored and some were missing. Obviously, she’d been a junkie for quite some time.

  Seeing that still didn’t stop me from craving what she held in her hand.

  Dope Man stood and motioned for Calvin to follow him into a back room. “Pass that around, should be enough for everyone. I’ll be back in a minute.” he said, walking towards the closed door to my right, Calvin right on his heels.

  My hands balled into fists at my sides and my stomach began to twist into knots. I wanted a taste so badly, but at the same time, I didn’t. My only hope was for it to all be gone by the time it reached me.

  The red-head finished taking her second hit and held the glass tube out to me, guess today wasn’t my lucky day.

  I shifted on my feet, anxiety and conflicting emotions shredding away at my insides. I had to take it from her, just like I had to take a hit. It was an unwritten rule.

  In a situation like this, when someone offers you a taste of something, you have to try it, because if you refuse, everyone automatically assumes you’re an undercover cop. Even being seventeen and the youngest person in the room, I still had to try it, because if I refused suspicion would creep into their glare. I wasn’t sure what they’d do to me, but I was pretty sure it wouldn’t be good.

  I reached out and took it from her fingers, being careful not to touch the hot end. I swallowed hard and got my lighter out of my front pocket. I wiped the tip she’d touched her lips to off on my shirt and began torching the bottom with my flame. The scent filled my nose seconds later, making my insides tingle with excitement. I quickly pressed it to my lips and allowed the sweet smoke to pour into my lungs, filling them completely. I exhaled, watching the massive cloud of smoke come from my mouth and evaporate around me. A tingling sensation burst from my lungs and spread like a wildfire throughout me, tickling the back of my mind.

  I hated myself for enjoying the feel and taste so much. I hated Calvin for always placing me in this position. I hated the drug itself for being so good, because I knew this would be the beginning of a binge until Calvin’s personal was gone.

  I handed the tube to Brent, and then watched as it made its way around the room and back into the hands of the red-head again. Before she could take another hit, Dope Man and Calvin emerged from the back room.

  “Steph, chop out nine long skinny ones,” he told her.

  She moved quickly. My eyes focused on her hands, mesmerized, as she worked. When she was done, nine long skinny lines sat on the silver tray. Dope Man held the glass tube in his fingers, heating it up again.

  “Ladies first.” He handed the smoking tube to the red-head, Steph.

  My mouth watered with anticipation as she stuck the unheated end in her nose and the hot end to the first line. She snorted and came up fast, tipping her head back, to blow out a thick cloud of smoke. The sickeningly skinny brown-haired girl was next, then came Dope Man and so on.

  I was last in line.

  I put the tube in my nose and snorted hard as I skimmed over the line. I tipped my head back and exhaled the smoke that had magically filled my lungs. My nose burned and I tasted the first drip of drainage that slid down the back of my throat over the next five minutes. It was hard not to gag, but I suppressed it, enjoying the head rush and tingling of my body as meth traveled through my veins making me feel alive.

  We didn’t stay but a few short minutes after.

  Once we climbed back into the car, I gave Brent back the gun from my waistband and felt relieved when they were locked away inside the glove compartment again.

  Brent tossed me a cigarette and I lit it. I sat in the back, bouncing my legs, gazing out the window, enjoying my high immensely all the way home.

  Chapter Six

  I
t was around six when we pulled in the driveway. I walked into the house feeling completely jacked and was shocked to find Mom wide awake, sitting on the couch watching TV without a bottle of rum in sight. Calvin and Brent seemed to be just as shocked when they walked in behind me and froze also.

  “Can I have the keys to my car now, so I can use it?” she asked coldly. She didn’t ask how we were or what we’d been doing, she didn’t even mention how zooted I’m sure we all looked, all she wanted was her keys.

  “Sure, Mom,” Calvin answered, stepping forward and handing them over.

  Mom took them from his fingers, snatched her purse up off the couch, and stomped towards the door.

  “This place is trashed, clean it up,” she shouted before walking out, slamming the door shut behind her.

  Calvin and Brent chuckled, but I stood staring at the closed door, dumbfounded. Not because Mom had seemed so cold and irritated, but because it was the first time in weeks I’d heard her speak without slurred words and in a complete sentence. I knew it would be a couple of more weeks before I got another chance to see her like that again, because I knew where she was going. She’d needed the car to go to the liquor store, credit card in hand, to get herself another stock pile of rum.

  I glanced around. The place did look like a dump and smelled of stale cigarettes. If Mom had said to clean the house any other time, I probably wouldn’t have, but I had so much energy coursing through my veins and a sudden urge to do something, the thought of cleaning didn’t bother me at all.

  I walked to the kitchen for a trash bag. When I came back into the living room, Brent sat sifting through a pile of CDs on the floor in front of the stereo, and Calvin was already on the phone, probably with Jade.

  I began dumping over-flowing ashtrays into the bag and then made my way around for all the fast food cups, wrappers, and crumbled up cigarette packs that littered the floor.