Shattered Soul

by Jennifer Snyder

Ali reached out gently and touched the corner of my left eye. Her touch felt feather light and cool against my skin, unleashing a rush of excitement within me that settled in the pit of my stomach, butterflies. I watched her face carefully as she trailed her fingertips down my cheek and towards my busted lip. Concern entered her gaze and she bit her bottom lip.

  “Looks like it hurts,” she muttered, pulling her fingers away.

  I took a drag off my cigarette. “Nah, I’m fine.” A lie, I was still sore as shit, but I wasn’t about to admit it.

  Our eyes remained locked for a moment and the same little shy smile stretched across her face.

  “So, did your parents say anything when you came home Friday night?” I wondered, suddenly concerned about whether or not she’d gotten into trouble.

  “No, my mom was busy writing and my dad was glued to the TV watching some sports show,” she said, glancing around at all the others enjoying their morning cigarettes before the first bell rang.

  A small smirk broke free from me as I watched her eyeballing everyone while she nervously chipped away at her pale pink nail polish. Obviously, she wasn’t comfortable standing here with me at the smoking trees. I didn’t blame her for being uncomfortable, because in all honesty, she didn’t really fit standing here.

  It wasn’t because everyone was dressed all gothic or grunge-like and she wasn’t. Or even because she wasn’t smoking a cigarette, there were others who stood here every day that didn’t smoke.

  No, it was something else.

  There was just something about her that made her seem so out of place. Personally, I thought it was because she was too good, too pure, to be standing here.

  Ali’s bright blue eyes found their way back to mine. I took one more drag off my cigarette and tossed it to the ground, putting it out with my shoe.

  “Ready to walk up?” I asked, and relief washed into her features.

  “Sure.”

  “See you guys.” I nodded to Trip and Miranda as we started walking.

  “Later,” Trip said.

  “You shouldn’t throw your cigarette butts on the ground like that,” Ali scolded me once we were a few feet away from the trees.

  “And, why is that? Because it’s littering?” I teased.

  She smiled. “Yes, but because they don’t biodegrade.”

  I grinned. “I’ll remember that for next time,” I told her, and I would. I knew that would stick with me simply because it had come from her.

  A sudden thought sizzled through my mind. This girl might change me for the better, and I liked it.

  “Really, you shouldn’t smoke those things at all, people call them cancer sticks for a reason, you know.” She said it in a teasing tone, but I could sense the seriousness behind her words.

  “True. But, the way I see it, we’re all going to die sometime, so what’s it matter if my death happens to be from those?”

  “I guess…” she said trailing off, obviously not agreeing with me.

  We were at the front door of the main building before either of us spoke again.

  “I drove by your house yesterday,” she confessed, and my heart dropped to my stomach. “I didn’t stop or anything because I wasn’t sure you’d want me to…after what you’d said about your mom and all.”

  I sighed, relived. “I’m glad you didn’t, I wasn’t home. I spent most of the weekend at Trip’s house.”

  “Oh. Cool,” she muttered, her tone sounding strange, almost as though she was pissed I hadn’t been home.

  I cast a sideways glance at her, she was nervously chipping away at her nail polish again. “So, what were you stopping by for?” I asked with a crooked grin, and a sudden thought tingled in the back of my mind. Could Ali Carson really be that interested in me?

  “I wanted to see you, okay?” she answered, embarrassment flushing her cheeks. “I had fun the other night and I wanted to hang out again.”

  “Oh really? Well, how about today after school?” I asked feeling bold as we slipped into Mrs. Gilbert’s class.

  The first bell rang just as we made it to our seats. It was the first time in a long time that I’d made it to class without mere seconds to spare before the tardy bell.

  “Sure, after school,” she whispered as she took her seat. “Oh, here, I almost forgot.” She flipped open her binder and pulled something out.

  I slid into my seat and smiled wide once I realized what she was handing me. My lip split open again, but I didn’t care. It was the picture she’d taken of us in her car the other night. I stared at it hard. We both looked so happy, definitely messed up, but happy none the less.

  “Thanks.”

  “Welcome. I have one, too.” She held up her binder to show me the front.

  “Cool.”

  I sat back in my desk unable to wipe my smile off my face as I watched the others stream into class, scurrying to beat the tardy bell.

  Yep, Ali Carson was into me. I ruminated on the realization for the remainder of class.

  Chapter Nine

  My day seemed to drag on at a monotonously slow pace after first period. I couldn’t wait to see Ali again, and of course, constantly being asked what the hell had happened to my face by both peers and teachers bogged down my day even more.

  By lunch, I’d invented the lie of a dirt bike accident, even though I’d never even touched one before. It fooled the limited amount of teachers who cared enough to ask and gained me a few coolness points with some kids.

  Lying was becoming one of my specialties.

  Probably not something to brag about, but in most cases involving my life, lying was better than the truth. And the dirt bike lie was gold. It was an accident, but not one that made me look pathetic, unlike the truth. I couldn’t tell anyone that I’d gotten beaten up by my brother because I was scared shitless to fight back.

  I stuck with it throughout the remainder of the day, using it to replace the ‘I got in a fight with some guy over the weekend.’ Which was actually the truth, but didn’t make me look very good, considering how tore up I looked.

  By the end of the day, I couldn’t wait to reach the smoking trees, I was in dire need of a cigarette, that and a pain pill or two for my throbbing rib and tender face. Halfway to the trees, I began fishing out my cigarette pack. I pulled one out and put it to my lips. Three steps later, with the minty aroma of menthol tickling my nose, I lit it, not caring if I got caught.

  “Woo, look at you, Mr. Bad Boy,” A familiar voice purred.

  Sidney stood leaning against one of the trees, cigarette in hand, grinning at me as I walked up. I smirked, but didn’t speak. I stepped up over the concrete curb and underneath the shady trees to finish my cigarette while I waited for Ali.

  “Avoiding me like the other night, huh?” Sidney asked, coming to stand beside me.

  “Not really, just waiting on someone.”

  “Who, Ali?” she asked in a condescending tone I didn’t care for.

  I shifted to look her directly in the eyes. “Yeah,” I answered simply.

  She rolled her eyes and took another puff from her cigarette. “What are you even thinking hanging out with her?” she scowled at me, but I could hear the jealousy etched into her words. “I mean, look at you and what you do…and look at her dad and what he does for a living. He’s not going to like you dating his daughter, Seth, it’s just a matter of time before you end up getting busted for something because you’re dating her.” Her lips twisted into a wicked smile, as though telling me this was satisfying to her in some way.

  Sidney remained standing beside me with one hand resting on her hip, waiting for me to respond. I didn’t say a word. One, because I knew anything I said would only be fuel to flame the fire already burning underneath her ass; I must have really pissed her off the other night. And two, because she was right. Who was I kidding? The second her dad looked at me he’d know I was bad news.

  I glanced at Sidney, she was eyeing me with one of those annoying you-know-I’m-right looks. I took a long
drag off my cigarette and gave her a half-hearted shrug.

  “Whatever,” she snapped and stomped off behind me.

  A smug smile twitched at the corners of my mouth. I kind of enjoyed getting under her skin. I shifted my gaze back towards the front of the main building and spotted Trip cutting through the grass, headed towards the bottom of the steps. He leaned against the rail and pulled out his cigarette pack to tuck one behind each ear, obviously waiting on Miranda.

  I wanted to yell and ask my wing-man how he had gotten whipped so fast, but the moment I decided to speak, I saw Ali walk past him and every thought I had evaporated from my mind in an instant.

  I stared at her as she walked, watching her blue eyes scan the smoking trees searching for me. The moment Ali spotted me her face lit up, and the rush of excitement I’ve felt so often when I’m around her surged through me.

  “Hey,” she said once she’d finally made it to where I stood.

  “What’s up?” I replied with a grin.

  “Don’t smile too big, you’ll split your lip open again.” She reached out a finger and lightly touched my bottom lip.

  The excitement from seeing her turned into pure desire in two seconds flat from the feel of her touch. Seconds ticked away while we stood frozen, our eyes locked, her finger resting on my bottom lip, our faces inches apart. I wanted to kiss her, to feel her warm lips pressing against mine. I leaned in slowly, erasing inch by inch between us.

  “Get a room!” Sidney grumbled from behind me and some of the others standing around us laughed, crushing the moment.

  Ali’s cheeks reddened and she let out a tiny giggle before dropping her hand back at her side. I cleared my throat, silently wishing I could get a room with Ali, and turned to glare at Sidney for her snide remark. She was staring at Ali with tightly pursed lips and cold, hate-filled eyes.

  Disbelief barreled its way through me. Was Sidney seriously that jealous of Ali? All because I’d turned her down?

  My eyes passed between the two of them and I had to look down at my sneakers to hide my amused little smirk. Never in my life would I have imagined that I would have two girls so fine interested in me. This was every guys dream, a brunette and a blonde. My brain tingled. I raised my eyes to sneak glances at the two of them once more.

  They were exact opposites.

  Sidney, with her long dark brown hair and those big brown eyes. Her curvy hips and big boobs that made everything she wore look good. Sidney was sexy as hell, no doubt about it.

  And then there was Ali, with her long blonde hair streaked with gold when the sun hit it just right, and big blue eyes that made you feel like she could see directly into your soul. Her heart shaped butt and small, round boobs that couldn’t be more than a handful each. Ali wasn’t sexy, she was beautiful. Heart-stoppingly beautiful.

  I put my cigarette out on the bottom of my shoe and wrapped the butt in the cellophane from my pack. I glanced at Ali, hoping she’d noticed my good gesture, but realized she was picking at her nail polish.

  “Ready?” I asked.

  “Yeah.”

  We stepped off the curb and started towards her car. I reached out and took her hand in mine, it was soft and warm, and instantly threw my mind back into thoughts of finding a room.

  “So…what are we doing?” she said innocently.

  I hesitated in answering for a brief moment, struggling to clear all carnal thoughts from my mind first. I hadn’t given much thought to what we’d actually do after school today. I just knew I wanted to go home, get my bowl, and then spend as much time with her as possible.

  “I don’t know…what do you want to do?” I countered, stopping beside her car.

  Ali started around towards the driver seat and opened her door. “Got anything good at your house?” she asked point blank before ducking inside.

  I blinked, stunned. Her face seemed so innocent looking, but her words held one obvious meaning, she wanted to get messed up again. I smiled and got in.

  “All right…I’ve got some pot, are you sure you want to smoke?” I asked, double checking. I’d never want to pressure her into anything, and I’d hate myself if she ever got into trouble because she’d been off getting stoned with me.

  She put the keys into the ignition and cocked her head to the side, glaring at me. “Yes, it was fun. Is that okay with you?” Amusement flickered in her eyes.

  I chuckled. “Yeah, it’s cool. Swing by my house, I’ll run in and get us some.”

  Ali pulled into my driveway a few minutes later and parked beside my mom’s car, which meant Calvin was home. I cringed inside, my good mood deflated, and hoped they’d all be finished with their tweaking binge and passed out by now. There was no fucking way I wanted Ali to meet any of them, especially not when they were completely strung-out.

  “Be right back,” I muttered before she’d even shifted into park.

  “Hey, wait. I want to come with you,” she insisted cutting the engine off.

  “No, you don’t. Trust me,” I said, opening the door and stepping out.

  “Yes. I do. Seth, I don’t care about your mom being drunk or whatever it is you’re worried about me seeing.”

  My eyes flickered to my front door as she spoke. How could I explain to her that my drunk mom was the least of my worries? She didn’t know what she was asking to see. She didn’t know all the horrible things that could be going on behind that closed door, things I did not want her to see.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea. Just sit here, I’ll only be a minute,” I told her, closing the car door behind me before she could protest any further.

  I hurried towards the front door without looking back. My pulse quickened as I opened it slowly and stepped into the darkness of the living room. I closed the door behind me and stood blinking rapidly, waiting for my eyes to adjust, while feeling rushed with Ali sitting in the car.

  The second I could see I began tip-toeing to my room, passing Brent, who was sleeping in the recliner like always, and Calvin, passed out sitting up on the couch. Jade was curled into a tiny ball at the other end of the couch, her head resting on the arm rest.

  I couldn’t be happier Ali hadn’t come inside with me, because I wasn’t sure how in the hell I would have explained to her why they were all sleeping like babies at 3:30 in the afternoon. My eyes scanned the coffee table. Well, at least there wasn’t any paraphernalia sitting out.

  I made it to my room and rushed over to my dresser, pulling out my tin box and reaching inside for my bag and bowl. I shoved them both into my front pocket, put my box back and hurriedly began walking back down the hall. I froze halfway to the front door, my mom stood at the living room window in her pink bathrobe, peeping outside at Ali. My heart lurched in my chest.

  “Mom?” I whispered.

  “Is that your girlfriend out there, Seth?” she asked loudly.

  “Shhh,” I hushed her, not wanting her to wake the others. “Yeah,” I admitted, not only to her, but to myself for the first time as well.

  “She’s cute and she’s got a nice car. Must be a little rich girl,” she said in a slur of words. “Why don’t you invite her in?”

  “I don’t think so,” I snorted and headed for the front door.

  “Why not?” she snapped, turning to face me so fast she lost her balance and nearly fell over. “You ashamed of me or something? You ashamed of your brother?” she asked, her voice cracking with raw emotion as she flailed her arms about wildly.

  With my hand resting on the door knob, I looked her in the eyes and said the first thing that came into my mind, the truth.

  “Yeah, maybe I am.”

  Mom visibly tensed at my words.

  “Ungrateful, that’s what you are, an ungrateful little prick! You think you’re so much better than us,” she slurred in a raised voice, her hands thrashing again. “Just remember Seth, my blood is your blood, and Calvin’s is too, and that makes you no different from us! Look at you…you’re tainted with your own addiction. Isn’t that what
you came home for? Your bowl and weed?” she asked in a smug tone.

  I couldn’t speak, I was frozen, rooted in place by anger, shock…and hurt. I couldn’t believe my own mother was speaking to me this way.

  “She’ll realize sooner or later what a worthless piece of crap you are. She’ll get sick of you and move on, then you’ll be left with no one except me and your brother.” Her lips twisted into a heinous smile.

  Hot anger deeply rooted in hurt swirled through me and I clenched my teeth to keep in all the venomous words I wanted to spew her way. I opened the door and slammed it shut behind me. With my jaw tightened and my heart pounding forcefully in my chest, I stalked back to Ali’s car.

  “Are you okay?” I heard her ask as I opened the passenger door and slid in. “Was that your mom standing at the window?”

  “Yeah,” I muttered without any elaboration, keeping my heated gaze directed at the front door of my house.

  “Okay…” Ali said in a small voice. She sighed and started up the car.

  My eyes remained on the living room window as we backed down the driveway. My mother’s fingers parted the blinds, she stared after us as we pulled away.

  “She’ll realize sooner or later what a worthless piece of crap you are.” Her words echoed in my mind…tormenting me and mixing with my own fear that there might be some truth in them as we started down the street.

  Chapter Ten

  We drove to the bridge wrapped in thick silence, only breaking it when Ali needed directions. My mind reeled while I sat in the passenger seat, bouncing from one thought to another as my mother’s words echoed through my head. Somewhere along the drive, those words mixed with images of Calvin and the others snorting lines, Jade’s dirty dancing, and Calvin’s fists flying at my face repeatedly.

  My life was so screwed up and there was no way to fix it. If I had the guts to kill myself, I would have done it a long time ago.

  I patted my front pocket, searching for the rounded shape of my bowl and the squish of the bag I’d shoved in there. This was how I dealt with my life. Every time I snorted a line, popped a pill, or smoked a bowl I was dealing with it, coping with it the only way I knew how.