Shattered Soul

by Jennifer Snyder

  “All right, suit yourself,” Calvin uttered. His eyes darted to mine and I caught a glimpse of annoyance directed towards me. I almost smiled at him, must be hard pretending to be someone you’re not all the time so people will like you.

  “Later.” I took Ali’s soft hand into my clammy one and started towards the front door.

  Car doors slammed shut behind us and the start of Mom’s engine relieved me. My relief only lasted a moment, because then I realized who was still home—mom. And right now, she’d definitely be smashed.

  “Your brother seemed nice,” Ali said, once we’d made it inside. “But, then I remembered the way you looked after he beat you…and I know he can’t be that nice.” I smiled at her, grateful she’d seen through him.

  “Umm…I should warn you, my mom’s home and she’s probably already downed half her daily fifth by now, so…” I trailed off.

  “Is she sleeping or something?” Ali asked glancing around the living room.

  I dropped her hand and wiped my sweaty palm across my shorts. “Probably. Come on, we can hang out in my room.”

  I sailed down the hall with Ali trailing closely behind me, completely zooted, and paranoid that she could tell. My door creaked as I opened it. I flipped on the light and closed the door behind us, maybe mom would think no one was home. Ali raised an eyebrow at me.

  I grinned, remembering her parents’ rule. “No door open rule in this house,” I said. Ali smirked and walked to sit at the edge of my bed.

  “So…this is your room, huh?” She leaned back on my bed, propping herself up with her palms, and examined my room.

  “Yeah, this is it,” I answered, absently tapping my hand against my thigh.

  “Hmm…” she breathed.

  I glanced around. My room was nothing special. I had a brown dresser against the wall to my left covered by a thick layer of dust, an overflowing ashtray filled with pot seeds and stems and old cigarette butts sat off to the side, and a mirror hung above. A dingy white closet door halfway open was beside that, and then there was my bed in the center, covered with a black and gray striped comforter.

  “It’s not much,” I said, comparing it to her bright and vibrant room in my mind as I bent to pick up a pair of boxers and some dirty socks. I tossed them into the closet and closed the door. “But, it’s a place to sleep.”

  “No, it’s nice. I like it,” she insisted.

  I swiped my hands across my shorts once more and flopped beside her on my bed. “Glad you like it,” I said, trying hard not to meet her eyes for more than a few seconds at a time, afraid she’d notice how dilated my pupils were and ask why.

  “Are you mad I stopped by or something?” she asked, with her eyebrows drawn together.

  “What? No!” I answered truthfully. I wasn’t mad. I just didn’t want her knowing what I was on. “Why?” I asked.

  She shrugged. “You seem…I don’t know…quiet or aggravated. Or something.”

  Paranoia surged through me. I reached into my pocket for the piece of gum Kerri had given me earlier and popped it in my mouth. “No, I’m fine,” I insisted, flashing her a grin that I hoped didn’t look too phony.

  “Okay.” She smiled, but I couldn’t shake the paranoia from my mind.

  “So…” I muttered, trying desperately to seem normal.

  “Is your mom going to check on you or anything?” She glanced at my closed door.

  “No, why?” I asked, my foot bouncing. I couldn’t lay still any longer, I had to do something.

  “I don’t know. I just don’t want her to be mad or anything if she opens the door and sees me in here.”

  “She won’t be,” I assured her.

  “Good,” she whispered, her fingers reaching for mine.

  In the next instant, we were kissing. Her lips felt so soft and they tasted of apples. Before I knew it was even coming, I was pinned beneath her. Her legs straddled me, her hands pressed against my chest, her lips crushed against mine. My hands gripped her hips and my heart pounded so hard in my chest it hurt.

  But I didn’t care. I’d dreamed of this before, us doing it. Hell, I’d even fantasized about it in class a few times. But, that didn’t mean I actually thought it would ever happen.

  I pushed one hand up the front of her shirt and began easing my way upwards to cup her breast.

  “Hold on,” she breathed in between kisses and pulled away. I pulled my hand out from under her shirt and froze, hoping I hadn’t done something wrong. “Your cigarette pack is jabbing me in the leg,” she smirked.

  My head fell back against my pillow and a slow smile crept across my face. “Sorry,” I mumbled shifting underneath her to dig it out. I tossed it on the bed beside us. “Better?”

  “Much,” she whispered squeezing me between her thighs to prove it. Her lips pressed against mine again and we picked up right where we’d left off.

  I grabbed onto Ali's hips and rolled us over, pinning her beneath me. She giggled and I trailed my lips down her neck, nibbling here and there.

  “Ouch,” she chuckled in between kisses.

  I lifted some of my weight off her. “What’s the matter?”

  “Your dumb cigarette pack, again, it’s stabbing me in the back. Maybe it’s a sign you should quit,” she joked.

  Ali squirmed beneath me, while struggling to pull it out from underneath her. She held it up between us once she’d gotten it and grinned.

  “What’s this?” she asked, her eyes fixated on the crushed box.

  My thundering heart dropped to my stomach and I sighed. I knew exactly what she was staring at before she’d even flipped the box around for me to see, the stash Jade had forgotten about; the meth I’d selfishly not reminded her of.

  Now, karma was biting me in the ass for it.

  Chapter Thirteen

  I rolled off her and took the crushed box from her fingers. I didn’t need to look into her eyes to see the panicked shock pooling in their depths. I could feel it thickening the air surrounding us, which was enough for me. I laid flat on the bed beside her and stared up at my ceiling.

  “Seth?” she prompted, rising to brace herself against her elbows. “What is that?” she repeated.

  I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath. “Crystal meth,” I answered. No point in lying.

  Ali didn’t speak, she didn’t even move beside me. When I finally opened my eyes to get a glimpse at her face, she was staring at the box in my hand.

  “Are you on it right now?” she asked, shifting her eyes to mine. “Is that why you’re acting so strange?”

  “Yeah,” I admitted. I nervously flipped the box around in my fingers, unsure of which I wanted more at the moment, a cigarette or another line.

  She didn’t speak and neither did I. I continued to toy with the box between my fingers, waiting for the moment when she would get up and walk out of my room without looking back. But, that moment never came…the silence just continued to drag on between us for what seemed like forever.

  “What’s it like?” she asked, breaking the silence and shifting ever so slightly beside me.

  “Uh…” I grunted, stunned.

  I couldn’t believe Ali was asking me what it felt like to be high on meth. Hell, I couldn’t even believe she was still lying beside me. This should have been the very thing that finally made her realize she was too good for me. Instead, it had intrigued her, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel relieved by it.

  “How do you do it?” she probed even further when I didn’t answer right away.

  My gaze drifted to her face. “You snort or smoke it.”

  Her eyes rose to meet mine and locked on them intently. “Which way do you do it?”

  “Both.”

  “What does it feel like?” Her gaze dropped back to the box.

  I stood up, the pack still in my hand, unable to sit still for another second. I walked to the window and opened it before pulling out a cigarette and lighting it. I turned to face her and leaned against the wall.
<
br />   “Why do you want to know?” I wondered, feeling the nicotine enter my body and loving it.

  She shrugged. “Curious.”

  I stared at her, bouncing my leg, not believing we were having this conversation at all. I took another long drag before answering. “It feels good.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Of course it does, people wouldn’t do it if it didn’t make them feel good. I’m asking what else. What else does it make you feel besides good?”

  I wanted to blurt out it could make you feel amazing. I wanted to tell her how much energy it gave you, how it made you feel like you could do anything in the world…but, something kept me from saying anything. I was nearly finished with my cigarette before I answered her.

  “Awake, energized, talkative, happy. You’re not hungry at all and you couldn’t sleep even if you tried,” I said, taking the last drag off my cigarette. I walked to my dresser and put it out in the ashtray.

  “Sounds fun.”

  “Sure, that part is,” I agreed. “It’s the coming down part that sucks. When your whole body aches from being so tense for so long, and you feel horribly sick to your stomach because you know you need to eat something, but you can’t; absolutely nothing sounds good.” I watched her face in the mirror fall as she listened to me speak the truth.

  “Then, why do you do it?”

  I grinned and turned to face her. “Because it feels good.”

  “Right,” she snorted. “In the beginning.”

  I crossed the room and sat back down beside her.

  “Yep, and that’s all that matters,” I insisted.

  Ali sat up and folded her legs so she was sitting Indian style beside me. “I want to try it,” she muttered.

  A voice in the back of my mind told me not to let her touch it, not to bring her into this part of my world, but it was a tiny voice and my want, my need, for another line was louder. Stronger.

  “All right, if you’re sure.” My eyes locked on hers. I wasn’t really double checking, because the fact was, whether Ali did one with me or not, she’d just made it ok for me to have another one right here in front of her.

  “I’m sure,” she insisted with a crooked grin.

  I stood and walked to my dresser for my tin box. “You can’t go home tonight, I’m positive your parents will notice something. So, you’ll have to stay with me,” I told her.

  “No problem. I’ll call my parents and tell them I’m staying at Kinsley’s.”

  Ali bounced off my bed and out of my room, her cell phone in hand, already punching buttons.

  I shuffled around in my box before finding the tools I needed. Anticipation twisted in my gut while I crushed one crystal between a piece of paper and the end of my lighter. I could already taste it on the tip of my tongue, I wanted it so badly.

  The tiny voice in the back of my mind continued to plead with me not to let her taste my poison. But, while I continued chopping out our two lines…I ignored it, telling myself everything would be fine, that it would only be this one time and after this we’d never do it again.

  “Everything’s cool. My parents think I’m at Kinsley’s for a movie night sleep-over. I told them I’ll call sometime tomorrow and check in,” Ali informed me, stepping to my side.

  I scooted a razor around on a small mirror I have specifically for this purpose, making sure both lines were straight before I carefully licked the tip, enjoying the bitter taste on my tongue.

  “And they believed you?” I asked putting the razor back in the box.

  “Yeah, why wouldn’t they? I’ve never given them any reason not to…well, until now.” She chuckled.

  “You want to go first?” I offered.

  She shook her head. “No, you.”

  I didn’t hesitate, I picked up my own glass tube and began heating it. Then, I put it to my nose and snorted. When I came up, I exhaled a puff of smoke.

  “Whoa…how does it do that?”

  I sniffed and pinched my nose. “Magic,” I smirked. “Your turn.”

  “I’m kinda scared,” Ali admitted, while she watched me heat the tube again.

  “Don’t be. You’ll be fine. Promise,” I reassured her, feeling my brain tingle as my high jolted to life again.

  “All right,” she whispered, taking the tube from my fingers with a shaky hand.

  “Just put the unheated end to your nose, skim over the top as you snort hard, and blow out when you’re done.” I told her as I sucked down gobs of drainage. I watched her do exactly as I’d said, and couldn’t help but feel excited.

  With Kerri, I’d felt guilt-ridden and sickened by the whole scene, the only reason I could come up with was because of who she’d chosen to do her first time with and how she seemed to be completely blind to the snakes which rested inside of my brother and Brent.

  With Ali, it was different. Her first time was with me, and I’d never use her the way Calvin and Brent were sure to use Kerri, just as they used Jade.

  Besides, Ali was better than them. That I was sure of. Ali was stronger. She’d been through a lot and hadn’t let it break her. There was no way she’d ever turn out like either of them.

  “Ahh…it burns!” she choked out. She scrunched up the whole right side of her face and her eyes began to water like crazy.

  I chuckled. “Yeah, forgot to mention that.”

  She sniffled and made an awful gagging noise. “Oh…”

  I laughed. “Drainage…forgot to mention that, too. Want some water?”

  “Please!” she said, gagging again.

  I left the room, smiling from ear to ear. Now Ali and I had no secrets between us. She liked me for who I was, accepting both my strengths and my weaknesses.

  When I returned with Ali's glass of water, she was standing in the same place, only now her hand gripped the edge of my dresser.

  “You all right?” I asked, handing her the water.

  She took it and swallowed two greedy gulps before speaking. “Just trying so flipping hard to not gag again.”

  “It will pass in a second,” I promised. “So, you wanna play a card game?”

  “The only card game I know how to play is war.”

  “War is fine.” I dug out a pack of playing cards from in my sock drawer and sat down in the middle of my bed.

  Ali awkwardly sat in front of me, tucking her feet beneath herself. “I haven’t played this game since Jacob was seven,” she said, pulling on a stray thread of my comforter while I dealt the cards out.

  “I haven’t played in a while, either.” We fell into an awkward silence.

  By the end of the second game, Ali could hardly sit still and I was feeling anxious from being in my room for so long. We went to the living room for a change of scenery, completely forgetting my mom was home.

  “Wow, you guys have so many movies,” Ali said.

  “Well, when you have no cable or satellite…” I said.

  “Right,” Ali muttered. “That sucks.”

  I shrugged. “What do you wanna watch?”

  Ali picked something and handed it to me. I didn’t look to see the title because it didn’t matter, I wouldn’t be watching it anyway, and chances were, Ali wouldn’t be after the first five minutes, either.

  I grabbed a notebook and pen from on top of the DVD stand and flopped down at the coffee table to draw. It wasn’t long before Ali got bored with the movie she'd chosen and asked for a piece of paper and pen. We drew, uninterrupted and without talking, until Mom stumbled down the hall and into the kitchen, mumbling. I only managed to make out, “Damn TV.”

  “What should I do?” Ali whispered from beside me.

  “Nothing,” I said. “She’ll go back to her room in a minute.” At least I hoped.

  After clanking around in the kitchen for a while and muttering a slew of curse words about various things, Mom did eventually go back to her room, without noticing Ali at all. I was glad, because the last thing I needed was for her to start ranting about Ali being a little rich girl who’d realize sh
e was better than me soon.

  “Wanna do another one?” I asked.

  “Sure.” Ali smiled.

  We walked back to my room and I closed the door behind us. Ali and I used up all three crystals over the remainder of the night. Calvin and the others never came back; I assumed they had found some other place to continue their partying, and Mom never realized Ali was even there.

  It was around two o’clock the next afternoon when Ali finally decided she couldn’t put off going home any longer.

  After she left, I lay across my bed, watching shadows slide up and down the walls and roll across my ceiling. It had been two and a half days I’d been up, and now that I was seeing shadow people, I knew it was time to sleep.

  I hadn’t eaten anything during that time either, and my stomach wouldn’t let me forget it. Each grumble and growl hurt, like my insides were twisting into tight knots. My legs felt weak and restless, and my fingers and hands felt stiff and sore from drawing for so many hours straight. My head hurt, my jaw ached from chewing gum and clenching my teeth, and my mouth was incredibly dry.

  I felt like I was dying.

  I laid in my bed, tossing and turning, watching the shadows creep across my ceiling and down my walls, swearing I could hear people walking up and down the hall until I eventually drifted off to sleep.

  Chapter Fourteen

  I slept away my entire Sunday and woke around four a.m. Monday morning, but only because I had to pee. I sipped some ice water and munched on Tortilla chip crumbs from the bottom of the bag and a piece of bread. Once I’d gotten a shower, I felt one hundred times better, and by then it was time to walk to school.

  I thought of Ali the whole way there, hoping her parents hadn’t been able to tell how messed up she’d been when she got home. I couldn’t wait to see her.

  I crossed the street and stepped over the curb. It was already crowded underneath the smoking trees, something which irritated me. All I cared about was finding Trip and bumming a cigarette before heading to first period to see Ali. I got lucky, because the two of them were standing together, along with Miranda.